Saturday, November 25, 2006


Because I have a 1055 page book to read by Monday and an essay to write on it by Tuesday, an audition to go for in an hour and the last show of Prometheus Bound in 7, I've decided now's the best time to put up (the good) photos of my first term. I'm hoping the coming week will produce much more, but for now:

Kay, Bhav and I before going to Soul Tree

Neha and I

Jon and I before the Great Court Run

Me, Debs and 2nd year Englishians, Matriculation Night

Darshan setting fireworks off outside our window on Diwali

Vidhi (yes she crashed), me and Nils on Halloween

Jan and I, Halloween. He had a cloak! And therefore was Legolas from LOTR.

Prometheus Bound...

After the show, 2nd night. That's jon on the right. He, Nils and Jan bully me all the time, sigh.

Right, that's all for now folks. This time next week I'll be in Heathrow, waiting for the flight home. See you soooooooooon :p

Friday, November 17, 2006


When really, I should be fretting over an essay. But all's good.

I've somehow managed to schedule myself a stupendously busy last two weeks...rehearsals every night till Monday, the play runs from Tuesday to Saturday, Advent Carol Service (which I'm serving in - I get to wear a server's robe woohoo!) on Sunday, Christmas Dinner on Monday, performing Handel's Messiah with the Trinity Singers on Wednesday, Fisher House Christmas Dinner on Thursday, PACK BAGS on Friday, leave Saturday morning, reach home Sunday.

The term's really flown by...but I feel like I've done a lot too, which is always a nice feeling.

What I meant to blog about was the fact that it's raining. Again. In fact, it hasn't stopped since I woke up (8.30. Too Early.) and doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon. It is the purrrfect weather for curling up with a mug of chocolate and reading FOR FUN. Not that reading anything isn't fun. Just something that doesn't require me to think every two sentences would be nice for a change. But nooo. Due to my crazy weekend, I need to start on my essay TODAY. The madness.

I think I'll take a shower first though. And make me the hot chocolate anyway. And maybe treat myself to some double chocolate fudge. Woot.

He for God only, she for God in him

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Things I've figured out thus far.

1. I'm still not really a clubbing person. In fact, I'm not a clubbing person at all.
2. I enjoy alcohol. And getting a bit high. I still don't ever want to get smashed.
3. No amount of rationalisation is going to make a fling make sense to me.
4. I'm not really very good at being alone. But that doesn't mean I won't not go clubbing since everyone else is/jump into a relationship which doesn't even feel like a real friendship.
5. People not being clear with motives, not making up their minds about things and acting differently at different times, in different places and with different people are not worth my time. Or emotions.
6. The nicest seeming guys sometimes turn out to be the biggest bastards.
7. If someone says he will do some thing and then doesn't, chances are he's going to repeat it again. Stop giving second chances.
8. I really, really like lit. I could read forever.
9. Homesickness never actually goes away.
10. Sticking to your principles is a lot harder when you're the only one who holds them. And never as fulfilling as they say it'll be. But in retrospect, (I hope), worth it.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


What I love about this course is the actual amount of reading I'm able to do. And in DOING that reading, the absolutely fascinating things I'm able to discover. Today, it's St. Augustine's Confessions:

"But how can the future be diminished or absorbed when it does not yet exist? And how can the past increase when it no longer exists? It can only be that the mind, which regulates this process, performs three functions, those of expectation, attention, and memory. The future, which it expects, passes through the present, to which it attends, into the past, which it remembers. No one would deny that the future does not yet exist or that the past no longer exists. Yet in the mind there is both expectation of the future and remembrance of the past. Again, no one would deny that the present has no duration, since it exists only for the instant of its passage. Yet the mind's attention persists, and through it that which is to be passes towards the state in which it is to be no more. So it is not future time that is long, but a long future is a longexpectation of the future; and past time is not long, because it does not exist, but a long past is a long remembrance of the past."

Confessions, Chapter XI, Bk 28

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


<ting>: so i heard best friend. am proud. really

gave me a thrill of joy more than any amount of cider, jd and coke, cognac or southern whiskey with lemon and lime ever could.

I love you toot :)
2 minutes ago, I was 900 words through a 1500 word essay, and on a roll. Why then, you ask, are you blogging? WELL. It's because I have a sudden craving for fish and chips (which I have yet to have in jolly ol' England, surprise surprise). But not just any fish and chips. Nooo. My cravings are wont to avoid craving for anything remotely attainable. I want fish and chips from Swensons. An American restaurant no one here has heard of. And not any Swensons, either. I want, quite desperately, fish and chips from the Swensons in Changi Airport.

It's rather inconvenient. And muchly distracting.


Saturday, November 04, 2006

Of ice IN my blood

I love how one day we're all in t shirts with sweaters hung carelessly round our shoulders, and the next (literally, 24 hours later) everyone's wrapped up in triple layers, hands in gloves, necks muffled in (pretty pretty trinity) scarves and EAR MUFFS. Which I don't own, but are attractive anyway. Come to think of it, I don't own a trinity scarf either. 30 pounds is almost 90 sing dollars, damnit.

But it really IS getting colder, and to quote a nice, sweet comforting 2nd year: it doesnt get warm again till ohhh...APRIL. *sob. I hope it snows, just because if I have to endure this cold, I should get at least THAT much of a reward, shouldn't I? Am contemplating bringing out my red winter jacket, but it's RED, see, and immensely bulky. We'll see tomorrow. At some point life is going to have to take precedence over style. Before I turn blue would be a good point. And for those of you who think it can't be THAT cold, we get winds from SIBERIA. SIBERIA. S.I.B.E.R.I.A. I jest not.

Cold, let me tell you, is not conducive to productivity. Mainly because when one realises it is cold outside, one realises one would rather stay inside. And if outside is just outside one's covers, one then realises that one would much definitely prefer to be WITHIN one's covers, and promptly turns the alarm clock off, rolls over and goes back to sleep. One overslept by 3 hours today, which is a record, even for one. Even upon recognising that one had 20 minutes to be ready for lecture, it took one amazing amounts of will power to get OUT of bed, in full knowledge that one's toes were going to freeze (which they did). I've never looked forward to hot showers so much. And yes, daddy, if you're reading this, I said SHOWERS. There's nothing like being very very cold to persuade one that a very very warm shower would be a very very good idea. We've taken to hogging the showers, which is quite amusing really. And even when I HAVE gotten myself out of bed, and am curled up relatively warmly dressed in my tub chair (which is becoming quite the favourite position), my FINGERS are cold and I'm reduced to sitting on them till I get up enough will power (again) to make myself hot chocolate and warm my fingers thus. Which, naturally, makes it quite impossible to do other stuff with them. Other things being reading books, typing essays, and writing plans. Not good.

What IS good though, are my plans for the weekend. I've weasled myself out of an early morning run with Fiona (it's waaay too cold to run, I'm sorry. I'll stick to pilates in thermals, track pants and a sweater.), but have promised to go for breakfast for her in hall, which is really good. Cooked, HOT breakfast. I have cereal, otherwise. After which I'm gonna do work till 11, at which point I'm heading over to the chaplain's place to help set up her daughter's doll house. It's so PRETTY, and it's got everything...even cutlery and tiny flowers and stuff. Then MORE work, and then rag raids at 2. Then back to work until 7, when I'm meeting a whole bunch of people at Great Gate and we're going to the Midsummer Commons to watch the Guy Fawkes fireworks whoopeeee. And if we're lucky we might just be able to crash the free dinner the Christian Union is giving. Free food's always welcome. Sunday it's choir practice at 930, and Mass with the Papal Nuncio at 1115, after which it's work again till after dinner. THEN I'm going for a concert by the Dante Quartet, which promises to be a brilliant evening with pretty brilliant company. Whoop.

Right. Then it's monday, at which point I would (under normal circumstances) be having a full blown essay crisis. I've had 3, for 3 essays, and I don't intend for it to happen again because it is NOT FUN. Therefore, I will now take my leave, and attempt to finish reading the Duchess of Malfi AND The Spanish Tragedy tonight. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :p

Oh and zid? I do NOT have an accent. Pfft.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Of ices and blood

Just got back from doing front of house for the anti-racist play of the year, In the Blood. It was...alright. Not too impressive...KC does a better job, really, but I'm just spoilt I think :p Basically it's about this woman who has 5 children with 5 different men, and ends up killing her favourite in a fit of anger and desperation. Uplifting stuff.

I'm sitting here enjoying my first ice cream since I GOT here (hazlenut toffee, free from the foh stint) and wondering how I'm gonna get through this week. Not that it's that much busier than the rest...just that now the more standard things are more or less settled in, lots of non-standard things are popping up. Like concerts and poetry readings, plays and dance classes (which I'm as yet undecided about), dinners and punting, wine and truffles, jd and coke.


So it's just about midterm, and I still feel like I just got here, but also that I've been here forever. The cruel thing about having really short terms is that we end up being here only 6 months a year, and that's hardly enough. Yet that also means I get 6 months back home (working, tis true, but I'll be home), or at least 6 months not studying.

And now for five people who've elbowed their way into my stream of consciousness. Vidhi darling, I would honestly have died this weekend without you. Toot, happy birthday and I'm so sorry the card isn't there yet. Ajyt, you've no idea how nice it was to hear your voice over the line. And I miss you too mr. 'uh. hah. yeah. there i said it.' Shane please don't kill anyone, even if they ARE being pussies, and Nessa baby i looove you.

Tis all rather truncated, as is this post, but things are beginning to fall into place.

"Consider the position of sex in Jacobean comedy." Joy oh joy.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

A day in the life.

Just so you can all laugh at me.

Woke up today at 7, turned the alarm clock off and slept till 9. Woke up in a panic and made it down IN TIME to meet the other englishians at the great gate for our lecture at 10. I was quite impressed with myself. Lectures were brilliant, as usual. We did Freud today in the Intro to 20th and 21st Century Lit Theory lecture, and the concept of England and Englishness in our Renaissance theme one. Then I head back for lunch in college.

The Plan was to work till 430, and then go punting (google it) with a bunch of the englishians. So we work, yes, then make our way to The Backs, where the punts are. Only to find that they've CLOSED it, because it LOOKED like it was going to rain. Pfft. So I go off to Deborah's room (I should really get down to uploading pictures, shouldn't I), and read till dinner. Which was...some fish thing. It being Friday.

And THEN I go back to my room to work again (I know, exhilarating.) till 9ish, when I go down to the college bar for a nice light drink. Light. Had 2. Was nice. And THEN fiona and I get convinced by these three silly boys, one from Trinity, one from Kings and one from Queens (these are all colleges in Cambridge, yes.) to go night punting. NIGHT PUNTING. So we did.

Which was fine, till silly boy from Trinity decides he wanted to punt. And only tells us after he's swapped with original punter (boy from Kings) that he's never done it before. So, naturally, at some point before Clares' bridge, he loses the punt pole. And we have to paddle with our HANDS to find it. Bear in mind, darlings, that it's FREEZING. And pitch black. Our HANDS. In unknown waters. We found it, amazingly enough. But were also very wet, because at some point the punt had tilted, and, again quite naturally, water had come in. So all our jeans were SOAKED. As you can imagine, it was cold. And wet. Did I mention cold?

Survived, though. And am now in my room, after a nice WARM bath, swaddled with a sweater and socks and a nice WARM mug of milk. I think I shall sleep early tonight. Going running tomorrow at 730 with Fiona. Should be fun.

The LAST time I went running here (day before yesterday) was NOT so fun, because stupid me agreed to go with jon and jon (yes, yes. pictures.). They tried to KILL me. Well no. Jon didn't. The other Jon did. Never again.

So yes. Sleep calls. My bed's looking deliciously WARM. And Vidhi's coming tomorrow, whoop! Halloween party tomorrow night as well. What should I go as...hmm.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Lord, how should I pray?

Our Father, Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done
on Earth, as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those
who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.


Monday, October 16, 2006

Someone please teach him proper spelling.

"In thee obseruation of quantitees of syllables, soom happlye wyl bee so stieflie tyed too thee ordinaunces of thee Latins, as what shal seeme too swarue from theyre maximes, they wyl not stick too skore vp for errours."


Saturday, October 14, 2006

Bloody Greeks.

Granted, this is Marlowe's take on the story. I'm much amused,and thus quite disturbed at myself.

Dido: Live, false Aeneas! Truest Dido dies;
Sic, sic juvat ire sub umbras. (So, so, it is my choice to go beneath the shades_

Throws herself into the flames.

Anna: O, help, Iarbas! Dido in these flames
Hath burnt herself! Ay me, unhappy me!

Iarbas: Cursed Iarbas, die to expiate
The grief that tires upon thine inward soul! -
Dido, I come to thee. - Ay me, Aeneas!

Kills himself.

Anna: What can my tears or cries prevail me now?
Dido is dead!
Iarbas slain, Iarbas my dear love!
O sweet Iarbas, Anna's sole delight!
What fatal Destiny envies me thus,
To see my sweet Iarbas slay himself?
But Anna now shall honour thee in death,
And mix her blood with thine. This shall I do,
That gods and men may pity this my death,
And rue our ends, senseless of life or breath:
Now, sweet Iarbas, stay! I come to thee.

Kills herself.

And the idiot Aeneas who caused this whole suicide orgy sails away to become the founder of Rome. Bah.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hello, friend.

Greetings from Trinity College, Cambridge. To those I promised to write to but havn't yet, I WILL, soon. I've only just about settled down and am slowly getting into the rhythm of things. (Things being wake up, bathe, make breakfast, convince self to go out of warm room, do whatever, lunch, try as much as possible to go back to warm room in between doing things that must be done, figuring out how to do dinner if hall is closed and, for the last couple of nights, go for fresher social stuff. Which is as detailed as I'm going to be about my after-dinner activities. No, I havn't touched alcohol, and no, that hasn't caused any detriment to my social life. Am quite pleasantly surprised really.)

Let's start from the very beginning shall we? (A very good place to start. When you read you begin with etc.) Arrived in Cambridge Tuesday morning...slept most of the flight, and much of the coach ride too. Stayed in a b&b in milton for 2 nights, and moved in on thursday. My room's tiny, but it's cosy. It's kind of like a small rectangular box. My bed's on the length, and it just about reaches the door, which is centimeters from the end of the lenght, and my bed's just right for me. Anyone taller than 1.65m would probably have cold toes in the morning. Either that or a cramp in their back. So that's an illustration of the length. It's got white sheets, with a maroon duvet. Looks kinda like my bed at home, so I was comfortable there almost immediately. Next to my bed is a little table with a lamp on it, and next to THAT is a bookcase, which slowly but surely will be filled with books I'm discovering :) So that covers the breadth. Parallel to my bed is my writing desk, and a nice tub chair...kinda like a sofa, but for one person. There's a smaller desk next to it, that's where I usually put the mac when I'm working on it, cuz it's next to the window and I get some nice sunlight. So from where I'm sitting: behind me's the wardrobe, and next to that's a cupboard containing a sink, and shelves where I've put detergent and stuff. Oh and between the cupboard and wardrobe is a fridge and a couple of shelves. I now have expired milk and stale bread in each, respectively. Must remember to eat/drink things before they go bad.

There are 6 people on my corridor, 3 on each side...3 girls and 3 boys, but I hardly ever see one of the girls. It's pretty cool, we've had corridor dinners (one of which was side-splittingly disastrous) and stuff. It's been social after social since I arrived, so I do know quite a few people by name, and quite a few more by face. International freshers' week was brilliant, and it's probably the reason why I'm as comfortable here as I am. And whoever said the British weren't friendly probably never attended a uni freshers' week, cuz everyone's trying to make friends (being alone and feeling lost gives one great incentive to do so) and as such are almost unfailingly friendly. Almost. Of course, it helps when there's alcohol around, and it's usually pretty amusing, but even when sober...

Okay, so where things to do with the reason why I'm here (which is to study, yes) are concerned, I met my director of studies, also known as a DOS today. And lectures start friday, whoopeee. No I'm serious. After a week of fresher social stuff, it's stabilizing to actually have real work to do. And real work I do have, since I need to read the Iliad by Monday. Woot. Oh and analyse some pc stuff too. Yay lit.

Signed up for a thousand and one societies, but will probably end up just going for the Amateur Dramatic Club and Fisher Society, which is the Catholic society here. In fact auditions for plays start this sat, so things are happening pretty fast.

Still need to read Paradise Lost. Eek.

Alright, this part is for those of you who came to send me off at the airport on Monday. You guys have no idea how much it meant to me. Everytime I'm minutely down, I look at the pictures we took and cheer up. So for your viewing pleasure:

Gosh I've put on weight, havn't I. Oh well. Have lost some since I arrived. Must be all the walking I'm doing...Cambridge is a lot bigger than it sounds. For example. last night after a party at the Soul Tree Club we decided to walk a friend back to Newnham College despite warnings of its distance, because our adrenaline-pumped selves didn't think far would be QUITE that far. Feet havn't quite forgiven me yet. And my body clock hates me. Regardless of the time I actually fall asleep, it WILL wake me up at 7am. Sharp. And there's only so much lying in bed hoping to fall back asleep one can do before one gives up and rolls out of bed to bathe. Sigh.

I'm doing great you guys, so don't worry. I have rough days (sorry zid), but in general, it's a brilliant experience. And I'll live. And learn.

With love, from Cambridge.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Marking is oooooooover. Yes I know it's my fault it took so long. But over it is, and that's the point. On my itunes radio search I found a Beatles radio station

And it's making me very happy :)

Right. So today I will clear up my study room, and actually officially pack my bags. (So that I can reclaim my paternally confiscated nano and books. I can't believe he did that. Pfft.)

Things I still need to do: Get my matriculation outfit, buy supply of stationary, transfer songs to my ipod, get photos of people I want photos of (which is harder than it sounds when you have camera-phobic bozos as people you want photos of), get all the letters and certificates and receipts I should get cleared cleared. And more. Which as of now I can't remember. Woot.

Heeeyyyy Juuuuuude

Friday, September 15, 2006

Post #200

"Welcome to unteenagedom". So says Alicia of the "argh noooo it's Val nooo go away" fame. Kinda miss 4/7, now that I think about it, heh.

Anyway. Aaron you FORGOT. I'm hurt, distraught, destroyed,miffed, shattered, etc.

Here's how my marking stands: I've finished ALL comprehensions, AQs and journal entries. I've only got 2 classes of essays left to mark. I'm very proud of myself. I still want that snow patrol cd.

I've only got 10 days left. That's not much time now,is it? Here's how I've spent my week. On monday I spent a beautiful beautiful day with tootsie. We explored arab street! And discovered this quaint little punk record store (haha quaint little punk). And had a flaming platter in Manhatten Fish Market, which I'll be bringing you to nessa. Argh why is there no end key on the mac. It's quite impossible to describe days out with toot. Things just happen and we're just there and it's just perfect. Haha yes babe actually we do sound like a couple when talking about this huh haha. I loooooooove you.

Tuesday I had lunch with aaron. Yes aaron, the ingrate who has ONCE AGAIN forgotten my birthday. How hard is it to remember you tell me? (Yes, you yazid.) I like Essential Brew. Everybody, if at a loss for new,reasonable place to eat in Holland V, go to Essential Brew. Oh and their cheesecakes are to DIE for. The clown has me hooked on Terry Pratchett. Bad timing, seeing as I've yet to start on any book in my reading list. Hoho ohh I'm screwed.

Then it was meeting family friends tuesday night, my godpa on wednesday, Mime wednesday night and Forbidden City as a treat for my birthday.


Cute actors too hehe I'm keeping the programme.

Today? Today was spent marking what I hadn't finished marking intermittently on buses and trains in the last 2 weeks, and meeting Uncle Philip and Aunty Jenny, who've a daughter studying hospitality in Switzerland. I think it calmed my mum down a little. I hope. After that...marking again. Gonna have to leave to meet Hafiz and Dhana soon though.

Edit at 11.34pm: Hafiz and Dhana and Ivan and Alex and Royston and Yazid. Much fun :)

Eek chasing cars thankyoushanethankyoushane

You know, I havn't quite dealt with the fact that I'm leaving yet. I mean, I've been meeting people everyday, and will be till the day I leave. The time in between I'm marking (yes I know my fault I'm slow sighhh.) and running mini errands. I havn't packed, havn't compiled an address book. Havn't written notes I wanted to write, havn't bought books I need to buy. Don't have a matriculation outfit, havn't planned what I want to bring for my room. Havn't taken pictures, don't have many pictures. Havn't opened my nano or imported songs into my mac. Don't have accomodation for the first day I'm there since Trinity'll only be ready on the 27th. (That's a valid panicNOW point right there.) I'm not prepared. Mentally or physically or emotionally. There's this dull throbbing fear, in combat with a bright clear 'don't WORRY you'll be FINE'. Which is beginning to sound brightly, clearly brittle. My brain hasn't quite come to terms with the fact that, aside from the seniors and fellow freshers I've met at various cumsa things in the last couple of weeks, and that's not many and I'm bad at names/faces (most people are bad at names OR faces. I'm bad at BOTH.) I'll know no one there. Which is fine, really. I don't usually have too hard a time making friends. But. It's still scary. Scare stories of unfriendly british kids don't help either. OHwell I suppose it's not much good worrying. Life rockz et al.

Right. That's about it then. Not vaguely poetic, this second centurial post. But then I'm not feeling vaguely poetic, just blog-ish. I shall go now. Toodeloo.

She's a must to avoid, a complete impossibility. ~The Herman's Hermits

Sunday, September 10, 2006


"The temptation to swear has never been so great. Amazing isn't it. Cut me off from online, virtual existence, and I wanna curse msn to extinction. Which would be cutting off my nose to spite my face, because then I'll never get back on msn. Bloody fish head curry mutton drain sweeper foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh. I know I'm plagiarizing, za. Sorry. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Growl."
(Me, September last year)



Friday, September 08, 2006


(no, shane, i did not.)

am blogging on my pretty new white macbook, yippeeee.

A couple of things irk me about it though. The lack of 'home' and 'end' keys, for one, and the glaring absence of the 'delete' key. My tendency to constantly rephrase things I type makes it very annoying to have to rely on the paltry arrow keys to move around in my document.

Tried safari for a couple of days, and decided I still prefer Firefox. Tabs are addictive.

I need to find those mac stickies. Or is someone pulling my leg again?

Time flies, doesn't it. It's the 9th tomorrow, and I'm spending most of it at Sentosa. Am struggling to finish marking the kids' scripts in time. I really do feel bad, I know how annoying it is to have done essays and not get them back quickly. No excuses, will finish it. *nods. (And that snow patrol cd bribe is working too, heh.)

I realised that I spent most of my life just experiencing, and am only now able to synthesize and make sense of 'life', in the general sense of the word. I remember reading a poem sometime last year that expressed it perfectly. Something about a girl and water...I think it was Plath. Or maybe not. Gahhhh it's bugging me.

Not really in a blogging mood...going to go finish off a class of essays now. whoop. sigh.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Free Fallin'

She’s a good girl,loves her mamma, loves je -sus, and america
She’s a good girl, crazy ‘bout elvis, loves horses,
and her boyfriend too.
And it's a long day, livin’ in
reseda, there’s a freeway, runnin’ thru the yard
And i’m a
bad boy, ‘cause i don’t even miss her, i’m a bad boy, for
breaking her heart
And i'm free, free falling.
i'm free, free falling.
And all the vampires
walkin' through the valley move west down ventura
And all the bad boys are standin' in the
shadows, and the good girls
Are home with broken hearts.

I wanna glide down over mulholland i wanna write her
name in the sky.
I'm gonna free fall out into
nothin', gonna leave this world for a while.

19 days to go Val.

Monday, September 04, 2006

September's Child

September's skies are sapphire hue;
Blue gentians star the woods at morn
Near crystal pools in woodland aisles -
In this bright month a Queen was born.

No silver fanfare filled the air
As angel wings flashed round the child;
No crown was placed upon her head,
But at her halo, Heaven smiled.

October's trees wear rosaries
Of gold and scarlet, green and brown,
And as the west wind fingers them
The Ave-leaves drift slowly down.

May raises high her blossom-shrines
Where bird-choirs sing their wood-notes wild,
But both these months pay homage to
A blue-gowned Queen - September's child.

Sr. Maryanna
Robert, Cyril. Mary Immaculate: God's Mother and Mine. Poughkeepsie, NY: Marist Press, 1946.

So September's here, and along with it a myriad of emotions. Keep me, dear Mother, in your care.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

You see, the problem with choice, in my case, is that I'm not very good at choosing. I feel bad for inanimate objects.

So here are my options.

Mark all essays first.
Mark all compres first.
Mark one batch of essays alternated with one batch of compres.

And then there's which batch should I start with. Seeing as I must MUST return it to the kids by (eek.) tomorrow.

Monday, August 28, 2006

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"


Ok back to marking.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

So I have a dream.

And in this dream we're actually doing something. Not talking about it, or wishing we were, or thinking about it, but doing something. And not on our own, subject to mood swings, bad judgement or lack of commitment, but with a mentor. A director who knows what he's talking about, and wants to give us that knowledge too.

We choose songs because they add to the Mass, not take away from. We play and sing to add to worship, not distract from. We worship.

We aren't just singing and playing. We are moving and changing. There's more to this Mass than a different type of songs. There is continuity, we look forward to the next.

We don't need to be avant-garde. Or to impress anyone. We serve in humility, and in the knowledge of Christ's Church's teachings.

We are spontaneous. Hierachy and its redtape exists only as much as we allow it to. We work organically, each person at least aware of the other. But we maintain a sense of awe, and the sacredness of the Mass is not compromised.

We aren't just about the music. We learn about our Faith. We learn about each other. We form a Christian community, where Christian is emphasised. We don't make fun of differences or weaknesses, or insist on conformity. Healthy relationships flourish.

We come from all over, all the Parishes. We are small, mobile and focused. We have a mission, and spread it. We are flexible, because our raison d'etre is the mission, not a person. Leaders are nurtured and given a chance. We keep our eyes on Christ.

We want to inflame, and ignite. We want to live the Truth. We want others to say, "Look at how they love each other". We want to be witnesses, just by being.


In exactly a month's time, it'll be the first day of Trinity's International Freshers' Week. And for the next three years, there won't be the permanancy common sense tells me is necessary to make dreams become reality. But almost nothing that's happened in my spiritual life thus far is common sense, and so I hold on to the hope that that isn't a mere dream.

Thus breaks the 3 month long spell of parched, starved, indifferent spirituality.

For as long as I shall live, I will testify to Love.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Sugar we're going down swingin'

Insightful, revolutionary conclusion of the day: Kissing is Therapeutic.

In other news:

I am officially panicked, because I've not read ANYTHING on anyone's english booklist. In fact, I havn't read anything, period, in the last 8 months.

I've got 4 days left of actual teaching. I forsee missing this, a lot.

I need more than 24 hours in a day, and more than 7 days in a week. Although, knowing me, that's still not going to be enough.

It's all about me, innit.

Edit: Do you think the kids might accept 'my dog ate your homework'? Sigh.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


"You have now been allocated to a Tutor who will be writing to you shortly.

Trinity College Admissions"

Woooooot I'm going they love me they didn't forget me I wasn't a horrible administrative mistake!

Ohhhhh gawd I havn't even finished Chaucer, don't own Paradise Lost, havn't touched Shakespear in three quarters of a year, and havn't finished a book (ANY book) from cover to cover since...I don't remember when!


Monday, August 21, 2006

Procrastinating (again)

Derek: You alright?
Meredith: I have a feeling.
Derek: I get those.
Meredith: Yeah?
Derek: Yeah.
Meredith: And?
Derek: If you wait long enough it passes.
Meredith: You promise?
Derek: I promise.

I love Gray's Anatomy.

On that point though, I've been getting 'feelings' lately. Poor shaun and shane can attest to that :p I think it's the realisation that:

1. I've got just over a month till I leave, and I havn't quite recognised the reality of that.

2. 2 weeks till the end of gp@tj. Mixed feelings about that...relieved that I survived, but sad about leaving. I learned helluva lot.

3. I'm STILL boy-less.

Depressing stuff, really.

But life rockz. Honest to goodness it does.

I want a letter from caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Bums, the lot of you.

At 10.30 am today, (bear in mind, please, that 10.30 is MORE than past half-morningness) I called EIGHT people, all (except one, who's phone, annoyingly enough, is always on silent in the mornings and therefore claims inculpability for his non-response) of whom brusquely and gruffly turned down a lunch date with yours truly, because they loved their BED more.


Edit: I lurrrrrrrrrrrve toot and she loves me toooooooooooooooooooo. Yay. I'm gonna go change now. Bwaha.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Here we go.

"Men can never get pregnant like women."

You don't say.

Monday, August 14, 2006


With a dozen roses.


The most romantic thing anyone could do for me right now, is to buy a box of tissue and put it on my desk.

Monday, August 07, 2006


No I havn't been drinking, but this is probably how it feels like. My brain feels like cotton wool, I've got a throbbing pain under my right eye, everything's a little hazy and all I want to do is put my head back down and sleep.

Which I can't, because previously-mentioned-bald-notbadatflirting colleague will throw a cushion at me. Again.

And no Shane, there's nothing I'm smoking you could possibly have.

Miffed at a class which bargains for a week's extension of a deadline and then ignores it.

I love National Day, for more than the normal patriotic (I am, ok) reasons this time round. Half day tomorrow, public holiday on wednesday, and bliss! School holiday on Thursday. (Hehe. Yes Shaun you may be almost midweek, but there's no way you can beat a 2seperatedby3holidaysworkingdayweek.)

Gahhhh my head hurts. Sleeping at 3am was probably not very intelligent. And asmuchas I think I wouldnt have been able to sleep earlier, I probably would've, if I had lied down. But I guess everyone needs some brooding time. Now that I've discovered the reason for the brooding (and anxietyattacks) things have taken a (psychological) upturn.

There are too many parenthesis(es? parentheses?) in this entry.

OH but I did ONE productive thing during the weekend. I catalogued ALL the books I owned, and checked if I had read all of them. I had, and also discovered that a lot of books I have read I didn't own. And most of my book-reading happened in KC, less due to the literary culture there than to the fact that I just couldn't do any more significant reading after. For FOUR YEARS. And here I am, off to do an English degree in Cam. And I havn't read anything particularly impressive since I was SIXTEEN. This would normally be the point in the entry where I vow to go home and finish the Wife of Bath, or start on Paradise Lost (which I was supposed to buy but didn't), but my realism (yes, it does show up now and then) tells me with the kind of consciousness I'm currently in possession off, read:barelyinpossession, that would hardly be possible, let alone plausible.

And as such, there are a few things left to say, before I go back to doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Toot: Next month, that fish place, ok?
Vid: You ARE decent you little idiot. MORE than decent. If you aren't decent where does that leave ME?
Shane: 3 days. Starbucks.
Shaun: I've got 2 days of work this week lalalaalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Jinx: let's go out. soon. with libbo.
sy: tomorrowwwwwwwwww. and i love you too.
Veera: After much consideration, I've come to the candid conclusion (oooh alliteration) that it is NOT my fault. *scowl.
Irwin: there you go. mentioned by name.
Marko: Cookieeeeeeeeeeee.
Aaron: I demand to know why I'm not in your will. I put up with you for FOUR YEARS, and I'm not in your will. I am HURT. DISTRAUGHT. DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. DESTROYED. SHATTERED. ETC. And thus you're treating come Tuesday.
Ajyt: Bahhh floorball. Scowl. You get to treat me too then.

Umm. I don't think anyone else reads this blog. Which is quite sad. But there we go. C'est la vie. Nowww to marking.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning

Sometimes the treacherous heart is yours. When you're idling, just sitting, waiting. And then a sudden rush of fear, out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason. Paranoia, I told the kids, is an unreasonable fear. But unreasonable is not the same as having no reason. Not exactly. Having no reason doesn't mean having no basis. There is a basis...a possible reason for the fear. But it's all what if. "I ask myself what if, consider the consequences, decide whether they're worth it, then never look back." So I say.

And in the train, an overpowering sense of alone-ness. A capsule I'm in the middle of. A bubble. Ignored, ignoring. Watching, watched. Unnecessary. Irrelevant. Just another curiosity.

Sitting in a darkened room, watching 3 girls bring to life what's in their minds, I wonder why I gave it up. Without more than a second thought. Without a fight. Like I did dance. And ballet. Even music, to a point. More of my regrets are not of giving things up, but of never even fighting for them.

Yet what point, this fighting. The reason for giving up sounds reasonable. Sensible. Pragmatic. The Best Thing At This Point. A solution. "I'm only sensible cuz I'm scared." Of making the Wrong Decision. Of being maverick. Of being a disappointment, even.

That hasn't stopped it, though, has it? Wrong Decisions are still made. Accusations of rebellion still thrown. And many times, I know, a disappointment.

But what point this, fighting.

"Why wait for true love," you say. "Nobody else waits. Why lose out?" And again, "Why think about all that? Why don't you just do what you feel like, and let people say what they want to?" This, when I tell you there are people I could fall truly madly deeply crazily in love with, only, I won't. Because. And I answer, I don't know. And you say, "You're gonna end up an old maid", and I laugh, but I fear too. Because I want, no, need, to love.

So 'Bright Lights' plays. And I remember 3 bands. One, the first time I ever played it. Heard and practiced two hours before the gig. Two, an ad lib thing, on a friend's stage. Three, with a band I can't imagine living without. Except that this month I will. So that next month, at least once, I'll be living within.

Ever noticed how, when you're in a certain kind of mood, everything is touched with a certain tinge of something? How there's this poignancy in words, rawness in songs, stillness in objects, reticence in self.

Baby baby baby
when all your love is gone
who will save me
from all i'm up against in this world

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

ben and jerrys

or lime sorbet. or vanilla ice cream or cheesecake. maybe a blueberry muffin. i might settle for banana though. cookies? COOKIE DOUGH. brownies. or cupcakes!

soya bean?

chin chow?

it's no fun when nobody's entertaining your cravings. *sulk.

Of hellos, goodbyes and seeyousoons

There've been more than I can count this year, and more to come. New places, new faces, new phases. It's funny how every hello is corollory with a goodbye, even if you don't know it yet. Every new friend marking a shift in the arrangement of the existing circle of friends, so that some are pushed back, some forward, and some just slightly to the side. All of us jostling (some less subtly than others "i want lunch.") for time and attention and love. The teasing that holds a faint hint of sullen accusation "yeah yeah, you're either at a practice or at a gig", and the accusations outright "you always say soon". And the realisation that, damn, it's august.

So here's how the rest of the month reads. This week I give back essays. Next week I give back compres. The week after that I give back another batch of essays, and the week after that their last batch of compres for the term. In between I meet the best friend (tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow!), alice and totsy, vid and the boys, aaron and ps, hopefully mp10, go for kids' carn, go for 2 freshers' parties, go for confluence 2006, go for class95's movies at the padang, go to zazu's sister's wedding, write a play AND finish all the chaucer I can.

Weeks whiz by.

And I've mastered the art of procrastinating with minimum guilt.

Which is baaaaaaad.

This month I WILL read "The Confessions of Max Tivoli". Because I've fallen in love with the first line: "We are each the love of someone's life."

Isn't that amazing. Think about it. That statement doesn't pre-require ANYTHING. It doesn't require us to love that someone back, or even to know who the someone is. It doesn't even require that someone to know it. It just says what it means. We are each the love of someone's life. Each of us. The love of a life. Yours, maybe, or mine. We may never find out who's. But it doesn't matter, because we are, regardless. It's a beautiful thing to hear.

you're the love of someone's life

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I feel like jell-o.


Random stranger: "Hey, you look familiar. Do I know you?"

Me: "Um, no, I don't think so."

Random stranger: "Oh. Oh well. I knew I was having a bad day."

'Twas mildly amusing, and alright, I admit, a tad flattering too. Haha so cassanovas don't ALL ignore me. (And here I put in the long-bugged-for mention of a particular currently bald colleague who's not bad at flirting himself. Heh.)

I'm having one of those days where you don't feel like doing anything at all, which is bad cuz I promised one of my classes they'll get their essays back tomorrow. And I'm supposed to fax Cambridge the accomodation form they say they havn't recieved (!). AND figure out a couple of songs for Friday. And actually get myself round to moving past the Wife of Bath. And finish setting the vocab quiz for the kids.

See it's so bad even looking at that list doesn't work.

The tinkling opening lines of O Praise Him are playing on my wmp. The amoeba lite band (har har) is missing a 4th musician, sigh. Bass drums and keys are fine, but there are some things we just can't do. SB why can't you join us online and in real time why why whyyy. Stomp! *grinz.

Toot you have no idea how much I miss you. Haha.

She listens like spring and she talks like june

Monday, July 24, 2006

And the beat goes on

Just two more pictures, I promise.

Rockstar/crooner/stealerofjcgirls'hearts Rahmat

The Vice-Presidents. We get cuter every year I tell ye.

It's almost August. July just flew by. Got dmy visa done today, and it'll be ready for collection by Thurs. I PASSED MY DRIVING!!! With a mere 12 points. *grinz. Got the bags I'll be bringing with me. Beginning to seriously look for a bargain for a MacBook. Getting nervous and slightly peeved with myself for not settling down and really reading the Chaucer books I've got in my cupboard. And being antsy about not having my reading list/any other sort of news from Cam yet.

Reading blogs of kids who've already left or whose departures are more impending than mine, I wonder how it's really gonna be like.

Nothing earth shattering to say today. Other than I wish they'd stop fighting. They encompassing everybody. If we can't bring ourselves to love, can't we at least bring ourselves to let live?

Sunday, July 16, 2006


You Are Rowlf the Dog

Mellow and serious, you enjoy time alone cultivating your talents.
You're a cool dog, and you always present a relaxed vibe.
A talented pianist, you can play almost anything - especially songs by Beethoven.
"My bark is worse than my bite, and my piano playing beats 'em both."
The Muppet Personality Test

Haha. Accurate-ish.

Thank you all for coming for council day, those who came for council day. I had a blast :)

And I like my costume:

That's me in the costume shop (Masquerade, on Bali Lane), with a bit of Tuan in a pirate costume. Oh what the heck. I'll give the guy a break:

Although he didn't come on the day itself. Now for the day itself:

Before the event...the reception girls. Wan Ni, child of Chucky (without the dagger) masquerading as a TASC 15 year old, Jing the wannabe Indian dancer, Ai Ling the Jap school girl, Hafi the gypsy and me the princess :p

The emcees. Yazid has pink FRILLS.

The Princess, The Gentleman and The Gypsy

The 27th, Hosts of Unmasked, the Masquerade. Scary Vampire lady is Zub (she kept appearing in people's photos). 60s chick is Han Nee.

Demo-ing the catwalk

The 30th's mass dance showcase. Brilliantly done.

mp10's surprise. Thanks guys, you gave the night extra magic :)

And it ended on a high. Sing along with Rahmat (No, that's still Yazid, pretending to be useful. Rahmat's on the other side of the cameraman).

And the reason is you.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Here's to the nights we felt alive

It was amazing. I reached there early, at 6, and walked into the playden, and it was AMAZING. It's kind of like a black box, but bigger - David Marshall's old rooms converted into a theatre which seats 145. The seats are in a U, so that the performers on stage, or rather, the floor, are surrounded on three sides. And the acoustics in there are brilliant.

Then the main show walked in. Three of the most friendly, gregarious and supportive-for-someone-who's-never-done-this-before-and-beginning-to-wonder-what-she-had-gotten-herself-into people I've ever met. They explained what it was they normally do, demonstrated, off the cuff, what the items were like, let me try some improv stuff with them, told me I'll be fine, and then it was time for the show to start.

About 50ish people, including my dad, toot (i lurrrve you), her friend and shane (blueberry muffin! and yes, sushi). Mostly expats, followers of the local and international improv scene, but quite a few locals and obvious first-timers as well. A little shy in the beginning, but nothing a little warm-up couldn't solve. I started off pretty tense, not quite sure when to do what and how, (and royally screwed up riverdance and the pirates. but to my defence...RIVERDANCE?! think i've gotta start listening to more styles. *grinz.) but, nevertheless, laughing my head off. Had the most fun playing for the musical segment, though again I think I need to work on range of styles. Oooh perfect excuse for getting random CDs whoopeeee~

The above doesn't do it justice. Twas amazing, I was amazed, and I can't wait to do it again. :)

On a more sober note...I miss mp10. Meeting sy today (let's go costume shopping babe), but missing the mp10 outing on saturday. And they'd all be there. *sulk. Eunice you're not helping either: "don't worry babe, lots of pressure :)". Sigh. I'll be around the area though, I'll drop by if I can.

There's not much time left, is there? And many promises to be kept. Though my mind keeps going, "it's only eight weeks! How bad could eight weeks be? And you WANT to be there!" And, in all honesty, I do. It's a dream come true, and though the real excitement hasn't set in yet (don't worry, I'll warn you when it does), there's this thrill of happiness every time I think about it.

I think I'm not naturally someone who forms close bonds, as sad as that may sound. I mean, I can get close to a person. And be
close to a person. And miss him/her like hell when they're not around. But I don't collapse when it happens. I have moments of "what am I gonna do without her/him", but it's not dread. It doesn't mean I love any of you less though. The non-feeling scares me sometimes, but I guess it's something I'll have to get used to. Intellectually and gut-feelingly I know it's going to be tough as hell. But emotionally? No warning yet. Wonder if that's normal. Heh.

As for the title of this post. I felt alive last night. And I guess the more I feel that, the harder it'll be to move on. There's much wisdom in those lyrics. If you don't feel life you'll never feel death, although death is hardly what I'm moving on to. It's a brand new stage, and I can't wait...but like an old friend said, things won't be the same any more.

Here's to the times we knew we'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

And smack in the middle of a rather bad week...

Me (reading off quiz paper): One of the largest asteroids brushed past Earth on 3rd July. Though many of them have gone past in the last few years, this has been one of the largest and it has also been classified as a...?

Boy, half-serious: Very Big Rock?

Sigh. I love the kids.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

This time

This time last year, I had just recieved my jct results. They were alright. Not bad, but not fantastic either.

This time last year, I spent more time with mp10 then I did with family. Not because they just happened to be there, but because they were there. More comfort and support to me than they'd every guess.

This time last year, I was struggling to start on my personal statement for the UCAS application. And fretting about whether I should apply for Cambridge or not.

This time last year, music had faded into a painful, throbbing memory of 'I wish I could'.

This time last year, I told myself I don't want to do anything but teach.

This time last year, I couldn't imagine life without the people I was with. Or life after the As. Or drawing my own salary and spending my own money.

Now, I've just finished marking jct papers. And am writing reports. And am comforting distressed year ones (and twos, who probably have more to be distressed about).

Now, I spend most of my week with family. And it feels good. mp10 has, as all groups of friends do, dispersed; some into relative oblivion (or tekong), some into relative reclusiveness, and some only for a couple of weeks at a time, before demanding they see you again (hello sy =)).

Now, I'm trying to find a date for my visa application. And am coming up with a to bring list. And fretting about whether I'll be able to get a ticket through the ballot. And just remembered I may not have posted my accomodation application, eek.

Now, I'm in a band that's family. Am missing a band that's also family, albeit younger (you are, you know.) And have a gig, and potentially more, tomorrow.

Now, I still want to teach. But I want to act too. And dance. And LEARN.

Now, I still can't imagine life without the people I'm with. But I won't have to be imagining in about 10 weeks. Life after the As has been more than I could ask for. And I'm beginning to see the need to budget. Heh.

Time flies, doesn't it. I was talking to alice and totsy yesterday, trying to find a day to go out. And I said my July's packed, and so's the beginning of August. The end of August will be a flurry of marking and giving back papers. And then it's September. And they said yes. And then it's September. And in both windows there was a brief silence. And then: yeah. Yeah. then it's September. And once it's September, the days will fly by. And then that brief silence again.

And I'm torn between amusement at the sentimentality (from guys who claim rebel status/complete uniqueness), annoyance at the sentimentality (it's only 8 weeks!), and sentimentality itself.

Friday, July 07, 2006

I want to write music like Corrinne May.

Not being able to write what I hear makes me want to cry.

Oh and the lyrics help too.

This is not angst. This is...uh...I blame the waning of the moon.

if i kissed you

Have you ever wondered? I mean...we've all got crushes don't we? Ever wondered what would have happened if...yeah. Yeah.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Un-named friend: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me: Uh. What.

Un-named friend: Nothing. Seeing you online makes me happy. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Why. Me.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

on my desk

there is...

a pretty deep deep blue chinese motif fabric purse acting as my pencil box. it was so pretty i couldn't resist.

there are...

way too many unmarked scripts, which i'm unfortunately proving very able to resist.

there is...

an empty marigold peel fresh apple & aloe vera juice carton, the remnants of my "councildaynextweekiwannawearaprettydress" diet lunch.

there are...

tiny crumbs of biscuit mixed with chocolate, the remnants of my "everybodyneedsabreakSOMETIME" not-so-diet thingabajing.

there is...

a red red rose given to me for valentine's day by my parents. my ONLY valentine's day present. how sad is that.

there are...

in my laptop at least, pictures of the kids, the band, the best friends, the non-kids (yes, mark and shane, ye who refuse to respond to kiddo) and the classmates. they make me happy :)

And, for the health education of the public, I hereby announce to you, in great concern, that according to one of the top 10 percentile of our nation's 17 year olds, the H5N1 virus CAN be transmitted by human-to-human contraception. See? The Church was right. Contraception kills.

Friday, June 30, 2006

No I did not suddenly become computer literate and upload this from my non-existent digital camera. I got it from mrbrown.

Two WHAT better?! I see it everyday at the chai chee bus stop. And it annoys the hell out of me. It's blatent innuendo which is so stark obvious it doesn't even COUNT as innuendo.

And then they wonder why our kids don't seem too innocent any more.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Comes with a health warning

Humour me.

I'm now going to see how many Abbey Road lyrics I can fit into a single, semi-intelligible paragrah:

Ohhhh darling, mean mr mustard should see polythene pam, in our little hideaway beneath the waves, because here comes bang bang maxwell's silver's alright. Once there was a way to get back hoooome, but I'm out of college, money spent, see no future, pay no rent, all that money gone there's no place to goooo...come together!

Oh gawd.

Ribena with cranberry makes me insensibly high. Wonder if they sell any at 7-11...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

for the rest of your lovely fluttery lacey little life.

My sister's prize insult of the day: "May you be blessed with no ability to do a math test for the rest of your lovely fluttery lacey little life."

You can tell the JCT blues have hit hard. Bwaha.

My blues...are floating at a comfortable distance for now.

I'm gonna stop running. Now.

Because I refuse to let fear rule me. And I refuse to not live.

And I'll stop rationalising everything too.

Although that would be tough.

Cuz I'm rationalising this as I'm typing.

The backspace key is a terrible option. An erasure of honest thoughts.

And I'm a hypocrite, because I deleted my previous, very honest post.

But hey. I'm just starting. Cut me some slack here.


Saturday, June 24, 2006


It's funny...

how, holding a bunch of colourful balloons on Orchard Road, you're suddenly the receipient of much attention, from kids and their smiling parents alike; once the balloons are all given out though, and all you have are the cards advertising the event, you're avoided like the plague by scowling parents pulling their children out of the way.

how just 22 minutes (we counted) with a bunch of my favouritest people can make your entire week. Adding to that the fact that they actually stopped my mum's car to convince her to let me go. Just for 22 minutes. And then walk me back. :)

how, within one afternoon, one's mood can swing from pensive to exhilarated, totally relaxed and at ease to tense and edgy.

how people who only have a shared experience in common still warm in the company of each other 3 years (gasp!) on.

how, when a 2 year dream is about to be actualised, it's not really excitement but a tinge of fear on anxiety one feels.

how at 12nn I decide that I realised I'm not really made for non-platonic relationships, and at 12.03pm I decide I take that back.

how someone I've known for years has become someone I don't know at all.

how the length of time you know a person doesn't affect in the slightest the amount of missing that will happen when the person's gone.

how I long for a deep relationship with one person, and yet never stick around long enough, emotionally, to let that happen.

how, when you ask me about this later, I'm gonna say I'm fine, really. And mean it.

Edit: Bf criteria has been cut down to 2. Emotionally stable and smarter than me. I need to look up to a guy in more ways than the one I have no choice with.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


First Best Friend: In Kindergarden? This boy. Bwaha.

First Nickname: Stinky :)

First Pet: AJ. This lovable mongrel, who died when he (and I) was 11 :(

First Piercing: First and only. Ears.

First Crush: Nick Carter. (Don't. I was only 10 :p)

First CD: The first BSB album. Bwaha. Again, I was TEN.

First Car: My parents drove me home from the hospital in a white toyota.

First Alcoholic Drink: White wine. On my 18th b'day. Heh.

First Kiss: Some things are best left unrecorded.

First Stuffed Animal: Jojo! This stuffed bear I gave my sister when she was born.

Last Alchoholic Beverage: A marguerita at The Iguana in Clarke Quay. On my dad's b'day.

Last Car Ride: Back home from church.

Last Movie Seen: X-men 3!!!

Last Phone Call: Eugene. Late.

Last Song Played: Praise Him :)

Last Meal: Dosai for supper.

Last Time In Love: Ohhh about a week ago.

Last Time You Cried: Yesterday. X-men. Jean. Wolverine. Bah.

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Nope.

Have you ever skinny dipped: Whassat.

Have you ever been on TV: Yeah.

Have you ever been drunk: Nope. Like I told (several people tonight), what IS the point of being so drunk you don't REMEMBER being high?

Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it: Yeah.

Have you ever been stoned: As in on drugs? No, duh.

1) Favourite black skirt with pretty pink and white and green design
2) Peach blouse
3) Left pink earring
4) Right pink earring
5) Silver cross necklace
6) Erm. Underwear.
7) Does lip gloss count?

1) Checked my mail
2) Transcripted the Gloria (3 different versions)
3) Visited friend in hospital
4) Went for YMM practice
5) Played at Novena Mass
6) Blogged.

1) God
2) Toot
3) Jordon, though he might fall asleep halfway :p
4) Uh. The confessor.
5) My parents? Most stuff, anyway.

1) MUSIC! Playing the keyboards.
2) Loving and laughing. (Shane get your mind out of the gutter.)
3) Reading.
4) Just BEING.

1) Black or white: That's racist.

2) Hot or Cold: Cold in the day, hot at night.

3) Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

1) Fall in love, get married, and have 7 kids. Or become a nun. They're mutually exclusive, and I havn't quite decided. (Seriously.)
2) Teach the Faith.

Regretting anything at all.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


After a particularly frustrating day:

Me: I have shortened my boyfriend criteria.
1. Emotionally stable
2. Mentally stable
3. Spiritually stable

Shane: HAHAHAHAHHA realise that the only men who fit all that criteria are wearing robes and standing in front of altars?


p.s. Just to make Ryan happy: I went cycling with Ryan to east coast yesterday, yay! See? I do talk about you in my blog :p

Monday, June 12, 2006

It's been a long time (since I left you)

Time's a funny thing. While you're in it it mulches along, squishily...but when it's over it just never seems to have taken very long. That's how the last two weeks felt, anyhow.

All those things I wanted to blog about don't seem so important anymore. Either that or I've lost the ability to convey feelings to words. (which is, you know, bad.) I need to write.

And, random TJ councillors lurking, Council Day is on the 15th of July, 6.30 - 10pm. Details are on the way.

I'm beginning to enjoy Chaucer. Took me long enough. But everytime I really sit down and read, I remember why I love Lit. Love. Not like. Looove.

I know. This is choppy.

Monday, May 29, 2006

the peril of a brilliant session

is that I can't get songs out of my head.

Take me there, Watermark

Take me there to the place where You are, take me there, take me there
I just wanna be where You are
Oh and hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, hide me here
I just wanna be where You are

You have buried my sin in the depths, oh Lord
And You've covered me from the furious storm
And You've kept me in the cleft of Your Rock
And You've loved me there right from the start

Take me there to the place where You are, take me there, take me there
I just wanna be where You are
Oh and hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, hide me here
I just wanna be where You are

You are here and I can feel You, I just love to be where You are
Hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, I just love to be where You are

Brilliant end to the week. And the hols are here. I am jobless.

I'm so sleepy. But I can't sleep. Think I'll go read.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Chaucer's slightly scary.

I've just wasted 2 hours doing absolutely nothing.

I've got no reason to feel the way I'm feeling now.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

What more could I want?

A hand to hold

Encircled in arms

Breath on my ear

And eyes which say

I love you

I love you

I love you

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Vocabulary Quiz

Two days ago I set a quiz for the kids. Based on about 70 words they were supposed to study over the last two weeks. Before giving it to them, I sent it to a couple of friends for feedback on how do-able it was. Here are some of (Shane's) answers:

1. The best way to do well in GP is to read ______________ (desiring or consuming great quantities, adj.)

Shane's Answer: Pornographic magazines.

3. Give an example of a paradox:

S.A: Singapore Elections

4. To plead urgently for aid or mercy:

S.A: Singapore Elections

7. An idiom meaning promising at the start but then disappointing:

S.A: Singapore Elections

8. If one is described as 'a man of few words', what is one word which can describe him?

S.A: retarded.

It goes on, in like fashion. Funny boy.

My kids were decidedly less amusing, but probably more accurate. Gonna miss those I won't teach next term.

Disclaimer: Shane's answers do NOT reflect the author's opinions (esp. wrt Elections.)

Today I will:

1. Finish ALL my marking

2. Get the venue for Council Day semi-almost-confirmed

3. Fill in the Visa application form

4. Send in the MOE letter

5. Start on the exercise plan (I will. Will lose 5kg by the end of the June Hols. WATCH ME.)

6. Clear up my cupboards (which are currently a mess and overflowing with clothes. I've got waaay too many college/KC t-shirts, but I can't bear to throw/give them away. Sigh.)

7. Get my study room re-organised

8. Brush Rascal

9. Get all my scores organised...I'm finding them in the strangest places

10. Get started on the first book of the reading list. The Bible. Whoop! *grinz.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

If I go on coughing at this rate, I'm not gonna need to go to the gym to get abs.

My stomach muscles hurt.

Monday, May 22, 2006


How on earth did "I'll finish all my marking over the weekend" become "Where the hell did the weekend go"?

I loved it though. The weekend. Not hell. Don't think I'd like hell much.

Made the decision that determines my geographical location for the most of the next 3 years. Won't be here. And it's not euphoric. It's kinda scary too. But it's a chance of a lifetime, and I'm beyond grateful for it.

Friday, May 19, 2006

It's Fridaaaaaaaaaaay!

Whoop! The week is OVER baby. Ooooover. As is my flu/sorethroat/fever/wobblyknees thing. Yippeeeeeeeeee.

And I've only got 1 more class of essays to mark. 2 classes of compres, but the summaries are done so that's easy. Then the extra paragraphs I made them write (that's right, extra homework given = extra homework to mark. sigh.) Should be able to finish most of it today though.

As for the weekend? Here's the schedule.

Tomorrow morning, at the ungodly hour of 8am, we've gotta report to LT1 (or was it 2) for College Day. Which starts at 10am. Why EIGHT?! Sigh.

Then lunch with the girls.

Then see how things go till 4.

Then housewarming bbq at Aunty B's new house.

Then it'll be Sunday!

Go for Mass.

And then the band is coming over. *grinz. (although. exactly what do we plan on doing? heh.)

The weekend sounds good to me :) And hopefully next week will be even better, what with it being the last week of school for the term and all. I'll be back next term though, so I've effectively spent THREE YEARS AND THREE TERMS in tj. Bloody hell. I guess it kinda grows on you though. The kids do, anyway.

Orite. Should go and start marking before I meet the baby. She'll be rather miffed if I'm late.

As an afterthought, I'm able to listen to Jars of Clay without significant adverse reaction again. Well done, me :)

Thursday, May 18, 2006


I don't like being sick. Particularly when I fall sick the day I'm allowed to go out for dinner with amazingly lovable people. Bah. (Happy Birthday Lavi!)

Anyway, I think the cotton wool brain thing was just a symptom of the full blown knee-buckling arm not behaving tongue kinda not functioning thing that's going on now. And the only identifiable 'sickness' I have is a particularly annoying sore throat. Sigh.

Am beginning to be excited about happenings in late Sept early Oct. :)

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Cotton wool brains

Mine, yes.

In the last 5 days alone, I have:

1. earned myself 5 blue-blacks within an HOUR, by walking into STATIONARY objects.

2. tried to go up 3 down-escalators. One after another.

3. Missed the city hall interchange stop, because I took too long to snap out of a daze and get out of the damn train.

4. Got off the bus two stops too early, on my way HOME.

5. Nearly been run down by a bike, because for some inane reason I stepped onto the road while the red man was, well, red.

Scary stuff.

On the way home today I had to focus on walking. Something's definitely wrong...

And at the end of a long, scarily-tiring day...

who was it that said "When God closes a door, He opens a window"?

I think God's windows are infinitely more beautiful than the doors we could have ever imagined we wanted.

Am blessed. And happy :)

Monday, May 15, 2006

Waiting is all you can do, sometimes

Although you know the situation's getting slightly out of hand when you're checking your inbox for relevant mail every...oh, 8 minutes?

Happy Monday, by the way.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

a wrinkle in time

mrs whosit, mrs whatsit, and i don't remember who the last mrs is.

this is going to be a pretty morose post, just so you know.

it's pretty depressing, you see, hearing about people getting overseas scholarships and stuff. and while you're very grateful for those you have, you still wonder why you weren't even given a shot. and you wonder if it's all part of a Plan, and if you should just stop trying so hard, swallow what you've got with a smile (because really, it's pretty good) and forget about the dream.

and on a seperate note, it's really depressing to see God-fearing people lose their focus, get sidetracked by the high, the success, the glamour of an idea, and shift perspective so that God is no longer the central tenet and overarching focus and goal (not just theme - how can Yahweh be a theme.) to their plan.

and to see the potential of that happening to yourself.

Fr. Paul gave a brilliant homily today. Holy anger, he called it. Blessed, blessed anger. "The Da Vinci Code" isn't just a book. It's an attack on my Faith. And the next person who tells me "but it makes a good read what", is going to have to sit down and listen to me explain, patiently and clearly, why it's a bunch of lies...and if you would refuse to hear someone insult your mother without stopping him/her, why shouldn't I refuse to hear someone insult my Father and His Son without retaliation? In more pragmatic terms, if you have the right to insult my Faith, I have the right to defend it.

made a sojourn to Chinatown on thursday. had much to say then, but too tired to talk about it today. tomorrow, maybe. just so you know though, it's a pretty damn cool place. i could have spent the ENTIRE day there.

Leaning, eyes half-closed, mind adrift.
Your masculinity looms over me
as you, stranger, use the wall behind me as a pivot point,
inclining your head so our eyes meet.
And thus you step out, and forever away...

But we hold our gaze.

Chinatown, 11 May 2006

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Deja Vu

Suddenly the quest for whatever grinds
to a halt, and wakes
the mind to its loss. The Indians,
burdened with their lives' possessions,
troop off into the dark, homeward,
to chappatis and chai, and I forget
why I have come so far.
A masterstroke of oversight has landed me
in the middle of nowhere, an interim
of lost connections, an unplanned pause
between journeys,
the cold desert air
gripping the old bones of the mind.

As in a dream, one is flying from lifetimes away, the open space
dissolving all hints of direction,
driven by mixed impulses
to lose and to find, and doubts
suddenly stagger the heart, freeze
the dreamer in his tracks,
the infinite pause in the air,
as if the will to go on
is snapped like a twig
by a careless step, one wakes
to a suspension of time and space
in an indefinite postponement of purpose.

BoeyKimCheng, DejaVu.

maybe I don't want to go after all.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I'm Henry the Eighth I am

lalala. I love sunday band practices. Love, not like. Love.

Me, after a particularly bad session of angst: I'm gonna marry a guitarist missionary and move to Africa. No, Egypt.

My Sister: Stay in Africa, it's easier to get there than Egypt.

Me: SIA has flights to Dubai.

My Sister: That's in India!

Right. Dubai's in India.


Friday, May 05, 2006

Yes, I know this is my 3rd post in 24 hours

But sometimes some things can't be unsaid. Even if only I understand what I'm talking about.

Like the paradox of loving waking up each day to gorgeous sunrises, and relishing being alive, but being so tired through it all.

Like wanting to be a channel for touching and changing the world, but realising I don't dare to reach out to people so much closer to home.

Like being so at home and comfortable with people I've known for barely over 3 months, but growing more distant and uncomfortable with people I've known for years.

Like loving a bunch of kids so much it hurts.

Like inexpressible joy which manifests itself most of the time in "mooooooooorning" messages.

Like pain unspeakable which manifests itself sometimes in "moooooooooorning" messages.

Like the way I often wonder what I really am. Cryptic? Open? Afraid? Embracing? Intelligent? Naiive? Sensitive? Un-savvy?

Like the way I know who I really am. But also the way I involuntarily but consciously hide it.

I don't want to be angsty. Angst isn't in any way logical. Or called for.

I'm just...thinking.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Very randomly, and just because I feel like it

An August Midnight

A shaded lamp and a waving blind,
And the beat of a clock from a distant floor:
On this scene enter - winged, horned, and spined -
A longlegs, a moth, and a dumbledore;
While 'mid my page there idly stands
A sleepy fly, that rubs its hands...

Thus meet we five, in this still place,
At this point of time, at this point in space
- My guests besmear my new-penned line,
Or bang at the lamp and fall supine.
'God's humblest, they!' I muse. Yet why?
They know Earth-secrets that know not I.

Thomas Hardy, Max Gate, 1899

That I could write like that. This is the first Hardy poem I really fell in love with. For about 4 months previous to that I had been struggling with really getting into it...but I had to analyse this during an exam, and that was it.

I love the way he sets a scene. You can actually see it happening...the whole play on time, and on the concept of a PLAY.

I think I'm beginning to fall for drama. Not just acting. Reading. Plays. Theatre.

Sigh, I've got enough issues already. :p


I knew it. Wonder why the people who published that article didn't deem it necessary (or news-worthy, whichever their agenda) to publish this update.

Thursday pulled off pretty well. I'm very...the word is content, I think, today. Content.

Like a cat. Waving it's tail slightly, just being. Peace. Cream.

Ice Cream.

Chunky Monkey, whoop! *grinz.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Midweek. Well, technically anyway. Un-technically it's only the second day of the week, and semi second-last day cuz Friday's a half day.

But still. MID-WEEK!!!

And about 93 essays and 98 compres to go, whoopee.

Band pract yesterday was pretty cool. I actually felt like I was jamming. Which is rare, in ymm *grinz. But I wuv you kids anyway. Yes, KIDS. My sources tell me you say I'm old. So KIDS you are :p (19 going on 20, by the way is NOT old. *scowl.)

This week is gonna be long. But is turning out fine, albeit expensive. Heh. $15 for a ticket to the zoo! And then almost $10 for the cab back to ang mo kio. And dinner tonight, although that's an expense I can live with :) Band tomorrow! Whoop. I forsee bad withdrawal symptoms in the near future, sigh. And YMM on Friday. Then cycling at ecp on Sat with the DTs (haha doesn't that seem so long ago?) followed by a CAR WASH at olps, then, if I can rush down in time, Shane's gig. And Sunday? Band in the afternoon again.

I love how my weeks revolve around making music.

I don't love so much though how my weeks seem to end before they actually begin (though I can't seem to wait for the weekend) without me doing the extra things I want to, like sign up for those darn salsa lessons, and reading the new Scott Hahn book my dad got me, and going down to the Esplanade to catch a lunchtime concert, and going blading every week so I finally learn how to STOP, and going to check out the gym in the new SIA club...ok THAT i'm gonna do tomorrow afternoon.

And I vaguely remember borrowing this book on quantum mechanics. I think it's overdue. Long overdue. Whoops.

Like a ballerina in a breakdancer's crowd.