Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Substantially accurate. Haha.

Only in Singapore

Seen on the back of a moving van:

Pai Liao
Kettu Pochi
Hilarious. Only in Singapore I tell you.
And after several days of soul-searching and pillow-bashing, life is looking up. Cheers everyone.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

One Shot

more accurately, the last shot.

I'm tired of the feelings and emotions. The constant swing from high to low. I'm tired of being affected by words and non-words, of anticipation and disappointment. I refuse to be held hostage by my heart. It's been through enough, and I've sure as hell put others through enough. I don't claim any innocence in the situation, but from now on I claim indifference. Insouciance. Distance. Old wounds don't heal, they only crust over.

I'm not depressed. I'm angry. The kind of anger that seethes - productive anger, since it's been channeled into prep for JCTs. And while it is uncomfortable, and probably not very healthy, it's a happier alternative to wistful, wanful lethargy. I'm not about to ruin the one shot I have at gaining control. So if I seem to talk less and mug more, forgive me. Dreams are all that are keeping me afloat right now.

It's a complex spiral. The more I distance myself, the more I crave companionship. But when there's companionship...I crave solitude. More than anything however, I crave the kind of relationship I had with God in Sec. 3. I miss the ability to wake up every morning and smile because I actually felt Him by my side. I miss the ability to turn to Him every few minutes with a random thought or prayer. Of course, the capability is still there. He has never left. I've just never felt so far away from Him - possibly because before this, I've never felt so close.

And I suppose that's the crux of the whole situation.

What you give is yours for good. What you keep is lost forever.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Yesterday I realised that true friendship never changes. Friends may, as people and individuals - but the friendship - the reluctantly loving, teasing, eye-rolling occasionally embarassing relationship, never does. I realised that watching 5 people (who will remain un-named to protect their sanity) trying to tie cherry sticks into knots with their tongues, in a brave attempt to prove that they are great kissers. In an attempt to defend my delayed cherry-tying abilities, I was distracted by a couple of monkeys. AND the fact that my cherry stick kept breaking. You know these epiphanies you have sometimes - when you realise you can do infinitely stupid things in front of a bunch of people in general public, and not only will they not stop you, they'll do it with you. (Which is, in retrospect, not merely not quite a good thing, but also potentially rather dangerous - but nevermind.)

And to think I was afraid things might have changed. Well sure they have - it was quite strange watching my batch mates collect graduating prizes, and listen to the girls talk about work and uni, and still be worrying about the JCTs. The morning wasn't devoid of strange looks and whispered nudges either. But sitting in that row 3 rows from the top of the audi, I realised it didn't matter. Cuz we had, no matter what, been through 2 years together. And people who pretended they didn't know you after that really aren't worth bothering about. Besides, it's stimuli to be back next year. Collecting a Best in Something and a 3As award. That would be nice.

I can't wait to be free of all this. This constant pressure to prove myself, to prove that I didn't stay back for nothing after all. To prove that my decision was the right one. And that it was also my best one. The pressure to perform I know I'll always have, because the pressure's coming from me. I need to do well, because otherwise I don't see a point in doing anything at all. (This does not make me anal retentive Libby. I would still do things for fun, but only the fun things. Mugging for As is not one of them.) It's one of the reasons why I decided to switch combis. A decision I should have made much earlier perhaps - in the first 3 months of Year 1 I already knew I was going to struggle with Chem. But then there was pride - the refusal to admit I couldn't do something I put my mind to. And academics had rarely been a problem. When I failed it in June, I blamed it on the extra time I spent on Music and dropped it. Played around with the idea of switching combis then, but wasn't sure of myself enough to push my case. By the time the Promos came I knew I was in serious trouble, but I thought I was too far gone to be turning back. It took the combination of absymal JCT results, an unsympathetic person who will remain anonymous, several supportive Economics tutors, 2 darling wonderful bloody brilliant best friends who said they'll always be behind me AND a particularly decisive frame of mind to make the decision. I havn't regretted it, and I won't. Ever. Still, it has made the pressure to do well even higher, since now ammunition has been provided to naysayers. I'm gonna make sure that backfires.

How a discussion of cherry sticks turned into a rather boring self-affirmation passage I havn't a clue.

Guitar Concert is next week, and I've still got 2 tickets left to sell. $7 each, Friday night 7.30pm at TJ Audi. If anybody's interested just msg me.

Right. Gonna swim tomorrow. In the meantime, it's back to Sudder Street, Calcutta. Happy Vesak Day.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

15 minutes to post

and just about 11 minutes left

There were countless things to blog about, seeing that I havn't blogged in a while, but I won't say too much cuz I've only got about 10minutes left.

It's been hot. HOT. hot hot hot here. I don't know what the temperature is, or maybe it's just me, but it's so stifling. Your eyes just don't feel good, and your head starts throbbing, and you just don't feel like doing anything. Or maybe it's just plain laziness.

As usual, I've done nothing all weekend. Which is really nothing to be guilty about, since that's what the weekends are supposed to be for. Doing nothing. Still, seeing that I do almost nothing on weekdays too, i should probably aim to balance everything out. Probably.

Sunday nights are fun primarily because of 3 things: Kumars at No. 49, Oprah, and Parkinson. All talkshows, and all (usually) hilarious. Kumars because they are just simply so funny, Oprah because she bullies most of her guests into pure submission and Parkinson because it's British humour damnit. And no, I'm no anglophile. Although Cambridge is pretty.

It's interesting when you can be over your head with homework and studying and tests and rehearsals and meetings and stuff, and still be able to suddenly lean back, breathe in and go: Hey. There is so much more to this. And then shake yourself and get back into the daily grind. But you're surviving because you know there is so much more, so nothing quite gets you down. (That doesn't mean you can mess with me. Or my friends. Or whatever I'm doing. Just because I'm beyond getting annoyed doesn't make me above being annoyed. If you get that.)

I still think it's religion that holds everything together though. The ability to get through the week, with all it's annoyances and pitfalls, failures and downright frustrations, and still shrug it off the next day seems to come from the knowledge that there is a higher order, and the more patient I am with this order the closer I get to reaching the next. I havn't quite reached where I want to be, or even where I used to be in terms of closeness to God, but I'm getting there - with a lot of help from a Friend.

It's Pentecost Sunday today - hands up those who know what that is. No? Ah. Well, that's when the Holy Spirit came down on Jesus' disciples in the Upper Room. In the form of tongues of fire - and that's when they stopped being afraid of the Jews, and proclaimed to everyone the Good News, in all the languages of the people there, so that everybody, whichever nation they came from, understood what they were saying. I heard someone saying it's also known as the birthday of the Church, but I'm not quite sure how accurate that is - I'll check and get back to you.

Talking to my friends, it's kinda true that there are generally a lot of misconceptions about the Catholic Church. I know I keep saying I'll start posting about it, and I never do, but I will the next time I blog. Found this site too, that may answer some questions. www.catholic.com Check it out if you're interested, nevermind if you aren't.

As it is, my 15 minutes are up. Next week is gonna be...interesting. Week 9. Bring it on.

Monday, May 09, 2005

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there

Is it really? Do friends really turn on each other, hide things from each other, pull the rug out from under each others' feet? Do people really spitefully manipulate situations, so that they do not merely win, but that you lose? Am I really going to have to be more selfish, more reserved, less trusting, in order to survive?

I guess the answer is yes. As much as I don't like it. And as much as I wish it were different.

I guess I always knew that. As much as I deny it. And as much as I pretend to live in delusion.

I guess I always hoped that I would be wrong. Proven wrong. Without a doubt.

I guess I always knew that wouldn't happen. Never. Ever.

Some things jade you. Scar you. And you ignore them, until someone pours salt on the wound. And while they are at it, insult your stupidity for trusting them. Some things I never want to relive, ever again.

Sometimes the smallest things can become the thorn in the side which causes the stampede. The minutest slip of tongue or memory. The most trivial happening. And once the avalanche begins, there's no stopping it.

Yes, it is competition. And that of the most painful kind. Yet somehow I still believe in that cocoon of friends. And I thank God that at least this comfort I have. Even if that comfort consists of berating, scolding, and nagging, and constant refrains of "grow up."

Even if I don't want to.

Thank God I have friends who tell me what I don't want to hear. And who don't expect me to be anything but me. Even if that me is rather annoying sometimes. =)

And finally. Dear God, please give me the courage to run this race. And the strength not to win by losing. Thank You.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

And the countdown begins

The Countdown to the JCTs that is.

For any Yr 1 who happens to read this post, this is for you: Take the first major exam of your JC life very very seriously. Don't believe the seniors who tell you it's ok to fail it, don't bother everybody does. Cuz the truth is, fail this exam, and you lose a lot of opportunities you could have had. Things I wish my seniors had told me.

But it's too late for wishing, so the only option left is acting. There are exactly 45 days left to the very first paper - Lit Paper 4 (Boey Kim Cheng & Thomas Hardy). I have done nothing all weekend, and am thus currently indulging in a guilt-induced ice-cream eating session. Which of course does nothing for my weight-loss campaign. If only I could lose weight just by being stressed. Just check out next week's schedule:

Monday: Hardy Test. Lit S PC due (well, not much, but I'm still working on it. Have been for the last month. Doh.)

Tuesday: AiryFairy MuggerToot Day. Well ok, not stressful. But - ahhhh no buts.

Wednesday: Maths Test. Guitar practice till 5, then fulldress rehearsal with Choir till 8. 8-ish.

Thursday: Meeting at NYC. Fun. But stressful.

Friday: Choir Concert.

You know, looking at it this way, it doesn't seem much. But it feels much. I was looking at my calender of events for May, and the much just overwhelmed me. Maybe I am taking on a little more than I should. Yes zid I don't feel like I'm doing nothing anymore. Heh. That's a good thing. Right? Right.

And having a fixed goal helps I guess. And boy do I have a fixed goal. Fixed as in applications in by 20 Sept fixed. Fixed as in I'm gonna have to ace my JCTs to get a decent referral fixed.

My blog is so self-centered. Sometimes I don't even like myself. If the persona on my blog is the real me, then I'm selfish, goal-orientated, cold, purely ambition-driven, and occasionally psychotically emo. Not a nice me.

I've done nothing. NOTHING. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Life goes on

Alright, time for updates.

Meet the Parents session: Went well, as did my progress report. On my way to what I want whoopee.

Guitar SYF: TJC's the only college to get Gold with Honours this year. *grinz*

Council Campfire: Was nice. Really. Well, the performances left some things to be desired somewhat, but hey it doesn't really matter - I was there for the company anyway. Dhanaaaaaaaaa why didn't you tell us you were coming earlier huh? haha. And Wan Ni love, I'm sorry about your birthday cake, but you did not confirm you were coming. heh. I don't like my curfews. *sulks*

I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend, and I've only done one essay. There's a myner on the table in front of me with what looks like Junior's puppy biscuit in his mouth. And while we are at random statements, aaron takes more than 36 hrs to reply a msg.

I'm supposed to be participating in some Cambridge online seminar on the 5th, but the person in charge hasn't contacted me about exactly what's gonna happen. Yet. Haiz.

I'm finally done with my "Literature is erotic because it is always concerned with seducing the reader, Discuss." essay. Now I've got "Can men ever write successfully about women or vice versa?" Argh. Not to mention that Econs essay. I love school.

Me: So. What you doin?
Wan Ni: Nothing. :D
Me: That's probably the most annoying respons you could have come up with.
Wan Ni: No, i could have used this smiley (insert evil grinning smiley) or , i could have said something along the line of "i'm so bored! i've got nothing to do!"

Grr. Gonna go be annoyed and do my essays. Adios mon cheries!

(ahh. the beauty of transnational language.)

Live life till it hurts.