scowl.

The one day I don't go for band practice, the rascals up and go to Siglap Cartel, and GUESS WHO THEY BUMP INTO?!





















Taufik.


GUESS WHERE I WAS?!





Next door, having supper with aaron and ps, in coffee club.


Bah.


Don't let me catch you saying God doesn't have a sense of humour. He's pulled several on me this week. Growl.

Today I...

1. Didn't go to work

2. Went for an interview which was pretty important to me (hence 1.).

3. Finished a whole bar of Cadbury's after said interview

4. Went for driving and didn't screw up by stalling/mounting random kerb/killing someone. Which warranted a "wah, your driving has improved ah" from instructor. Heh. (Not that I've killed anyone before. Not even almost. Nope. Not at all. Lalalala.)

5. Decided on course of action for tomorrow. This is gonna hurt.

6. Attempted (and failed) for the gazillionth time to start on a scholarship essay which is due on Sunday. I am SCREWED.

7. Did 100 situps and 50 jumping jacks. 200 skips and 30 push ups. Am. In. Pain.

8. Gave up trying for the gazzilion and one-th time to start on that scholarship essay. Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

9. Looked at diary of events for next two weeks and acknowledged defeat. I need to cut down on my 'things to do' list.

10. Realised the desk I cleared 3 days ago is a mess again. I give up.

What are the chances?

"Vatican 'may relax condom rules'"

I doubt it. And I hope not. But I really doubt it. The Church's unlikely to give in to a culture of permissiveness and selfishness at this (or any) point.

Before I get lambasted for my medievial, conservative and probably 'narrow-minded' views, I have to state: I just don't get what's so hard about abstinence. I don't. Maybe it is, but I can't understand why.

Alright, that's probably because I've never been in a situation where I've wanted to jump someone to the point where not to do so would be denying my human-ness and vice versa, but still.

As for AIDS-sufferers...call me incapable of empathy and understanding, but isn't having sex, even with a condom, with someone not infected (or infected) the epitome of selfishness? Pleasure at the risk of another's suffering and death - even if the person knows what he/she's getting into. Besides, if someone can still get pregnant (accidentally of course) while her partner's using a condom, isn't the risk of HIV getting through so much more? A condom's not impenatratable. (*cringe. That was definitely for lack of a better word.)

Giving out condoms to teen boys isn't gonna solve any problem I can think of either. Including and especially 'unwanted pregnancies'. It just increases the risk. Kids aren't gonna think, oh, here's a condom, I need to be careful cuz I might get/make her pregnant. Noooo. It's probably more along the lines of oh yay here's a condom it's SAFE! Let's have more sex.

Puhleease.

Besides, we aren't animals with uncontrollable instincts, as much as some scientists may like us to believe (ever wondered who their research was being sponsored by?) We're thinking beings, thinking being the operative word. I'm sure even the most uneducated society has figured out by now that if you have sex, chances are, you're gonna have babies.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's really the most 'educated' societies which have somewhat forgotten that. Sex doesn't quite equal babies anymore in most parts of the developed world, does it?

Aside from all that...I find the title of that article vaguely amusing. Like the Vatican has a rule book on condoms. Bwahaha. The closest we've got darls, is this book by Pope John Paul II called "The Theology of the Body". Which is a pretty good read I heard...should get down to reading it some time. But a rule book on condoms? Nahhhhhhh.

Tagged by Gai

A song by a Beatle / The Beatles:
Blackbird

A song featuring piano as the main instrument:
As Long As You Love Me (BSB)

A song with a woman's name in the title:
Mona Lisa

A song with a man's name in the title:
Henry the Eighth (bwahaha)

A song about money:
Money Money Money

A song with some form of weather in the title:
The Weatherman

A song with parentheses in the title (parentheses means brackets lah..):
You Never Give Me Your Money (She Came in through the Bathroom Window) I think...

A song made by a punk band:
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (They ARE a punk band, aren't they?)

A song with the word 'song' in the title:
The Thong Song by Sisco (why do I remember this)

A song that you love so much you stop and listen whenever you hear it:
Runaway, by the Corrs.

Breathe

I love these little islets of space and peace. When you can just relax, laugh, and not think about anything but the moment.

I also now realise why american kids take long loooong drives. If there were long looong highways in Singapore, I would too. There's such power and contentment sitting in the driver's seat. And control and confidence. I suppose I could always drive across the causeway (and get stuck in one of those infamous jams.)

The epiphany of the day? This quote I found on my friend's video-blog:

"There's only us

There's only this

Forget regret, or life

is yours to miss."

From "rent". Well put.

Now to sleep.

Apt.

It's been raining every afternoon for as long as I can remember (thus effectively throwing my cycle/run/swim every day plan out of the window) and I've been trying to think of the word which succinctly describes the smell which wafts up from the road (other than tar) after the rain. Yesterday, my subscription to Word of the Day finally paid off. Petrichor: A pleasant, distinctive smell of rain falling on dry ground.

Yay :)

Back to marking. Whoop.

Drumroll

Introducing the Lenten Vigil worship team. Well, most of them anyway. From the left, that's shaun the bassist, leon the drummer, shelley the trumpeter, lavi the guitarist, me the keyboardist, ryan the guitarist, tammy and mel the worship leaders. They kept me alive last month, and probably will for the next couple of months too. Angels right beside me :)







I'm tired though. Physically and mentally. And not sure if I'm doing the right thing (yes I know what you think aaron). But things can't be smooth all the time I guess, and I knew by doing what I did I was taking a risk. Am I willing to take another risk though, one that involves more than just me. And could I live with myself if I don't.

I want to learn to BLADE. And lose weight. I've lost 5k since the start of the year, according to my weighing machine, but I sure don't look it. If anything I look like I GAINED 5k. Which is more than vaguely depressing. Swim. I need to get back to swimming. And DANCE. Sy love I'm so sorry, but it just doesn't seem to be happening, does it. I'm gonna call YMCA on monday and ask them about their dance classes.

I feel like I'm on one of those travellators that we have in the airport. Even if I stand still I'm being moved forward, and to stay in the same place I have to walk backwards, to move back I have to run. It's tiring, and faintly frustrating. I know I've said this before...I just want to be. For one day. Just be. Stop. Consolidate. Enjoy the moment. Love. Laugh. Hope. Rest. Not always pushed forward, told to keep moving, worried at, rushed. Be. Alone. Or with whoever I want. Free.

Still, I know I'm blessed. And I can't forget to be thankful for everything I have, and don't have. It's Easter tomorrow, a time of joy and celebration. A new start, for everyone. Resurrection and Life. And as much as I'm tired, I'm excited too. The countless opportunities, possibilities, loves, lives, truths. It's like being in a band. As good as it feels sitting there and letting the music wash over you, it's infinitely more exciting, more enriching, more empowering, to be the one creating the music. Soothing others, touching others, loving others.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury your pardon lord
Where there is doubt true faith in you
Where there is despair let me bring hope
Where there is darkness let me bring your light
And where there's sadness everlasting joy

O Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul
For it is in giving to all men that we recieve
In pardoning that we are pardoned
And in dying that we're born to eternal life

Prayer of St. Francis

Is this where evolution has gotten us?

Upon clicking 'post' to post a comment on a friend's livejournal blog:

Please prove that you are a human below.

*choke. splutter.

So I scroll down a fill in required box.

Incorrect response to spam robot challenge.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly introduce: Valerie Nunis, the spam robot.

SIGH.

(yes. my sense of humour has returned in full force. i forsee needing it constantly for the next couple of weeks.)

how now? if at all.

how do i say thy will be done, but still fight for what i want. how do i know if it's your will or mine.

ask and you shall recieve. that merges the two doesn't it. to ask i've got to decide what i want. saying i'll take whatever life throws at me...kinda feels like a cop-out then.

yet you have a plan nothing can thwart, for each of us.

have faith.

10 hours, a band and a Man on a Cross

Well, that's it folks, the culmination of 5 weeks of brilliant music, silly asides, a crash course in playing the bass, aftermidnight goofiness, more Macs than we should have, blown eardrums, pounding bass in the head for 3 hours after practice, declarations of beautiful sunrises, and an overdose of pure, simple joy. For 10 hours last night we played, sang and loved our hearts out...yet were reminded always by the Crucifix which hung above us that it'll never be enough to deserve His love. That, like Mel said, we can never take for granted what we had and have. That it's by God's grace that we had a perfect band, an awesome choir, a moved congregation and wonderful speakers. And that this Lenten Vigil has given me the confidence, support and assurance to go on.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Things are looking good :) (Other than hellish Thursdays, but that's pretty normal.) Can't wait for Lenten Vigil, though I don't want the jam sessions to end. And Easter's just round the corner...major celebrations in order, methinks.

And as a mark of my utter contentedness of what's happened so far, here's my all-time favourite poem:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The Road Less Taken, Robert Frost

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord!

God sends angels when you least expect them. And in the most wonderful ways. It's like a father teaching his kid how to cycle. He lets the kid go, even if the kid thinks she's gonna fall, lets her learn to strive on ahead anyway, and when she really is going to fall, he knows, and catches her. So that no matter how alone she thought she was, she could never have been safer. Or more lovingly and carefully watched over.

Even the sparrow.

I hate fighting. Conflict, arguments. Cold war. But it'll blow over, and I'll forget about it till the next time, won't I.

God, sometimes I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself.

"How much do you love me?" I asked.
"This much," He said. Then He spread out His arms and died.

How do I do Your will?

the mind

is a strange thing. And currently I don't quite understand mine. It's all over the place, everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Tiny snippets of everything, but memories of nothing. A backlash perhaps from doing too much of too many. Where I used to be able to multi-task, and quite comfortably so, I'm now just distracted. So the solution is to mono-task desperately - and reluctantly.

There aren't enough hours in a day, or days in a week.

Went for a wedding in the morning. Came home, went into my room, lay flat on my back in the aircon, stared at the ceiling, and realised I'm really very contented single. At this point in my life, I can't think of anything better than to belong to God and God alone. (No, I don't think I'm going to become a nun.) Sure it's nice to have someone there and all - but it's just not a neccessity right now. Or a longing, even. Today, and perhaps tomorrow, I'm contented to just be.

Although it would be nice if just being entailed going for a long walk by the beach, or just chilling with friends. Since that's currently a stress-causing issue though, I'll just be in my study.

Update: You know it's just not your day when your parents succeed in pulling an April Fool's joke on you.

V.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

~From V for Vendetta

I want to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bah.

On hindsight, that looks like something Yazid might come up with.

Apologies

To all the teachers I have ever given a hard time to, incited anyone to give a hard time to, ignored, rolled my eyes at, were bored at, made fun of, cracked jokes at, talked in class of, didn't pay attention to and was less than cooperative with:


I am truly heartily terribly most genuinely sincerely painfully regretfully a gazillion times sorry.

I don't believe in karma, but that should start me off on a clean slate, shouldn't it? Arghhhhh. I love the kids, I really do, but today was argh-ifying.

Thank God tomorrow's Friday. And that there's LV practice tonight. *breeeeeeathhhhe.

Got this off Ondine's blog.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I'm an incurable procrastinator.

I havn't had as much fun jamming in ages as I had yesterday. And I can now play I will survive on acoustic bass, whoop *grinz.

Still havn't written the usp essay, although I've finally sent in my nus application. On tenterhooks for a call.

Brain not functioning smoothly. Probably a result of sleeping only 4 hours last night, and having to wake up to donkeys, cats, dogs and monkeys on my roof AND drag myself out of bed. There is no justice in this world. I've discovered a delight in caffeine. An iced mocha would be nice right about now.

Found on random blog-surfed blog:

"Right now, however, I sit here mourning my crumbling uterus walls and silently blaming Eve for her Original Sin of greed over one stupid apple. Women."

*bursts out laughing.

*recovers.

*apologises for potential trauma caused to male readers of blog.

Yesterday was a good day. I'd been looking forward to it all week, and have been duly rewarded. I like where we're going, and this is just a start. Decisions have been made, plans will be carried out.

*sends subtle brain signals to relevant government body. Calllll meeeeee.

I sound like a whale.
(stop that thought. NOW. stoppit.)

I think I kinda like where I am. Yes, I'm aware that I've just contradicted my last post. But I'm complex, see. On the cusp of everything (and nothing, but that's not affecting me today). Cusp. I like that word. It's so crisp, and full of potential and HOPE.

(Am procrastinating. Don't mind the randomness.)

I like having things to do. And feeling useful. And although some times it feels like it's all gonna cave in, it never actually does (yes Shane, it's because I have Friends in High Places). Salsa lessons sound fun. Or maybe lindy hop. Or jazz. Or hip hop. I want to dance.

Pensive

Last night was the closest I've come to a meltdown in ages. And it was sparked off, literally, by nothing. Nothing-ness scares me. Emptiness. Loneliness. Being alone in the midst of a crowd. There are times when all I want is to be alone. But I don't ever want to feel alone. It was nothingness crowded in. Like a shadow, with light enfringing jaggedly at its sides. And I don't know what I want. To stay in the cool comfort of the shadow - silent, content; or to let in blinding light, and lose forever a refuge.

There's this sense of desperation, and a slight tinge of panic. About what? I don't know. Perhaps it's the realization, the slow but certain realization, that things are changing. That I am changing.
That it's in my character to let go, to leave behind, but still want to cling on. Memories are never enough. And even the beautiful happy ones are painful, because ultimately they're over. Never to be experienced again. There's this tremendous sense of loss for what has been, and what could have been which jarrs with the hope of what could be. You know moments which you want to last forever? That you want to be fully drenched in? Even if I could wish that into reality, I wouldn't know which to choose. And there'll always be something else you could do, something else you could be. There is no best thing, no most desired. Only what's accepted and lived.

But in some things there is truth. Truth which compels decisions and action. Action which I'm not sure I'm brave enough to take. Or able to be committed enough. Or right enough.

I don't like this period of not knowing. Of being on ground where I have, until a decision is made, no control, not even capacity for control. Where all my decisions and choices are based on "if" and "unless". "If" especially annoys me. I feel like I'm not committing to anything - and I like committing. But for now all my plans have to be short term. I suppose that's just how things are.

We live by faith and not by sight for you.

what now

I'm back! Still tired, but slightly more rested. The trip was alright, fun in some places, not so in others but I'm not complaining :)

This song was playing in my head throughout the whole trip. And you know, what now is probably the most provoking, uneasiness causing question anyone could ask.

I saw the face of Jesus

In a little orphan girl

She was standing in the corner

On the other side of the world.

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my heart

Didn't you say you wanted to find Me

Well, here I am

Here you are

So what now

What will you do now that you've found Me

What now

What will you do with this treasure youv'e found

I know I may not look like what you expected

But if you'll remember

This is right where I said I would be

You found Me

What now

And I saw the face of Jesus

Down on Sixteenth Avenue

He was sleeping in an old car

While his mum went looking for food

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my soul

Didn't you say you wanted to know me

Well, here I am

And it's getting cold

So come and know

Come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

Oh, come and know

Come, come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

what now, Steven Curtis Chapman

What now? I don't know. Music ministry? Sure. But is that all? There's so much more I could do. We could do. And it's not that we dont know how. What now.