I'm tired though. Physically and mentally. And not sure if I'm doing the right thing (yes I know what you think aaron). But things can't be smooth all the time I guess, and I knew by doing what I did I was taking a risk. Am I willing to take another risk though, one that involves more than just me. And could I live with myself if I don't.
I want to learn to BLADE. And lose weight. I've lost 5k since the start of the year, according to my weighing machine, but I sure don't look it. If anything I look like I GAINED 5k. Which is more than vaguely depressing. Swim. I need to get back to swimming. And DANCE. Sy love I'm so sorry, but it just doesn't seem to be happening, does it. I'm gonna call YMCA on monday and ask them about their dance classes.
I feel like I'm on one of those travellators that we have in the airport. Even if I stand still I'm being moved forward, and to stay in the same place I have to walk backwards, to move back I have to run. It's tiring, and faintly frustrating. I know I've said this before...I just want to be. For one day. Just be. Stop. Consolidate. Enjoy the moment. Love. Laugh. Hope. Rest. Not always pushed forward, told to keep moving, worried at, rushed. Be. Alone. Or with whoever I want. Free.
Still, I know I'm blessed. And I can't forget to be thankful for everything I have, and don't have. It's Easter tomorrow, a time of joy and celebration. A new start, for everyone. Resurrection and Life. And as much as I'm tired, I'm excited too. The countless opportunities, possibilities, loves, lives, truths. It's like being in a band. As good as it feels sitting there and letting the music wash over you, it's infinitely more exciting, more enriching, more empowering, to be the one creating the music. Soothing others, touching others, loving others.
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury your pardon lord
Where there is doubt true faith in you
Where there is despair let me bring hope
Where there is darkness let me bring your light
And where there's sadness everlasting joy
O Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul
For it is in giving to all men that we recieve
In pardoning that we are pardoned
And in dying that we're born to eternal life
Prayer of St. Francis