Sunday, May 22, 2005

Yesterday I realised that true friendship never changes. Friends may, as people and individuals - but the friendship - the reluctantly loving, teasing, eye-rolling occasionally embarassing relationship, never does. I realised that watching 5 people (who will remain un-named to protect their sanity) trying to tie cherry sticks into knots with their tongues, in a brave attempt to prove that they are great kissers. In an attempt to defend my delayed cherry-tying abilities, I was distracted by a couple of monkeys. AND the fact that my cherry stick kept breaking. You know these epiphanies you have sometimes - when you realise you can do infinitely stupid things in front of a bunch of people in general public, and not only will they not stop you, they'll do it with you. (Which is, in retrospect, not merely not quite a good thing, but also potentially rather dangerous - but nevermind.)

And to think I was afraid things might have changed. Well sure they have - it was quite strange watching my batch mates collect graduating prizes, and listen to the girls talk about work and uni, and still be worrying about the JCTs. The morning wasn't devoid of strange looks and whispered nudges either. But sitting in that row 3 rows from the top of the audi, I realised it didn't matter. Cuz we had, no matter what, been through 2 years together. And people who pretended they didn't know you after that really aren't worth bothering about. Besides, it's stimuli to be back next year. Collecting a Best in Something and a 3As award. That would be nice.

I can't wait to be free of all this. This constant pressure to prove myself, to prove that I didn't stay back for nothing after all. To prove that my decision was the right one. And that it was also my best one. The pressure to perform I know I'll always have, because the pressure's coming from me. I need to do well, because otherwise I don't see a point in doing anything at all. (This does not make me anal retentive Libby. I would still do things for fun, but only the fun things. Mugging for As is not one of them.) It's one of the reasons why I decided to switch combis. A decision I should have made much earlier perhaps - in the first 3 months of Year 1 I already knew I was going to struggle with Chem. But then there was pride - the refusal to admit I couldn't do something I put my mind to. And academics had rarely been a problem. When I failed it in June, I blamed it on the extra time I spent on Music and dropped it. Played around with the idea of switching combis then, but wasn't sure of myself enough to push my case. By the time the Promos came I knew I was in serious trouble, but I thought I was too far gone to be turning back. It took the combination of absymal JCT results, an unsympathetic person who will remain anonymous, several supportive Economics tutors, 2 darling wonderful bloody brilliant best friends who said they'll always be behind me AND a particularly decisive frame of mind to make the decision. I havn't regretted it, and I won't. Ever. Still, it has made the pressure to do well even higher, since now ammunition has been provided to naysayers. I'm gonna make sure that backfires.

How a discussion of cherry sticks turned into a rather boring self-affirmation passage I havn't a clue.

Guitar Concert is next week, and I've still got 2 tickets left to sell. $7 each, Friday night 7.30pm at TJ Audi. If anybody's interested just msg me.

Right. Gonna swim tomorrow. In the meantime, it's back to Sudder Street, Calcutta. Happy Vesak Day.

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