Monday, May 09, 2005

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there

Is it really? Do friends really turn on each other, hide things from each other, pull the rug out from under each others' feet? Do people really spitefully manipulate situations, so that they do not merely win, but that you lose? Am I really going to have to be more selfish, more reserved, less trusting, in order to survive?

I guess the answer is yes. As much as I don't like it. And as much as I wish it were different.

I guess I always knew that. As much as I deny it. And as much as I pretend to live in delusion.

I guess I always hoped that I would be wrong. Proven wrong. Without a doubt.

I guess I always knew that wouldn't happen. Never. Ever.

Some things jade you. Scar you. And you ignore them, until someone pours salt on the wound. And while they are at it, insult your stupidity for trusting them. Some things I never want to relive, ever again.

Sometimes the smallest things can become the thorn in the side which causes the stampede. The minutest slip of tongue or memory. The most trivial happening. And once the avalanche begins, there's no stopping it.

Yes, it is competition. And that of the most painful kind. Yet somehow I still believe in that cocoon of friends. And I thank God that at least this comfort I have. Even if that comfort consists of berating, scolding, and nagging, and constant refrains of "grow up."

Even if I don't want to.

Thank God I have friends who tell me what I don't want to hear. And who don't expect me to be anything but me. Even if that me is rather annoying sometimes. =)

And finally. Dear God, please give me the courage to run this race. And the strength not to win by losing. Thank You.


syed said...

hello valerie.. do you remember me? your FREAKING son? you FREAKING mother.. haha.. been quite some time eh? catch real soon yea?

livestone said...

SYED! yeah duh i remember you :p how've u been kiddo?