Sunday, May 29, 2005

One Shot

more accurately, the last shot.

I'm tired of the feelings and emotions. The constant swing from high to low. I'm tired of being affected by words and non-words, of anticipation and disappointment. I refuse to be held hostage by my heart. It's been through enough, and I've sure as hell put others through enough. I don't claim any innocence in the situation, but from now on I claim indifference. Insouciance. Distance. Old wounds don't heal, they only crust over.

I'm not depressed. I'm angry. The kind of anger that seethes - productive anger, since it's been channeled into prep for JCTs. And while it is uncomfortable, and probably not very healthy, it's a happier alternative to wistful, wanful lethargy. I'm not about to ruin the one shot I have at gaining control. So if I seem to talk less and mug more, forgive me. Dreams are all that are keeping me afloat right now.

It's a complex spiral. The more I distance myself, the more I crave companionship. But when there's companionship...I crave solitude. More than anything however, I crave the kind of relationship I had with God in Sec. 3. I miss the ability to wake up every morning and smile because I actually felt Him by my side. I miss the ability to turn to Him every few minutes with a random thought or prayer. Of course, the capability is still there. He has never left. I've just never felt so far away from Him - possibly because before this, I've never felt so close.

And I suppose that's the crux of the whole situation.

What you give is yours for good. What you keep is lost forever.

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