And so it begins

I'm done with procrastinating. I'm starting in earnest tomorrow, and nobody, least of all me, is going to distract me from that. I've got too much to gain and too much to lose to trifle with time. And much to do too, although too much may be an overstatement. I can do this, and I will.

In the meantime, I'm not going to be blogging. I'm not going to be online during the day. I'm gonna focus solely on what I need to do. The list seems endless, but I'll get through it. Macbeth, King Lear, Othello, Julius Caesar, Hamlet, Twelfth Night, Midsummer Night's Dream, Much Ado About Nothing...The God of Small Things, Boey Kim Cheng, Thomas Hardy...Dracula, Frankenstein, Jekyll and Hyde, The Bloody Chamber, The Turn of the Screw, MR James...Pride and Prejudice, The Handmaid's Tale, Things Fall Apart, The Heart of Darkness...Foundations of Econs, PPD, Production and Cost, Market Structures, The Labour Market, Welfare Economics, Money and Banking, Economic Growth and Development, National Income Accounting, Keynesian Theory of Inflation and Unemployment, Monetary Mechanism, International Trade, Balance of Payments, Foreign Exchange, The Role of the Government...Functions, Trigo, Integration and Differentiation, IM, DE, Complex Numbers, Stats, Curve Sketching...it goes on, but it ends. And it will end too. 14 days.

Till the end of Nov though, here's what's gonna keep me going. Things I want to do after the As:

Read
Sophie's World
The Betrand Russel Basic Philosphy Series
The Odyssey
Middlemarch
The Virgin Suicides
Random chick fluff books

Play
Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue
Taufik's Me and Mrs. Jones
Missy Higgin's Scar
Coldplay's Trouble
Fever
Sarah McLachlen's Angel
Drums.
Edit: Add to the list Tommy Emmanuel's I've Always Thought of You on acoustic guitar.

Learn
French
Malay
Lindy Hop
Cooking (in time for Christmas)
Baking (ditto)
Roller blading
Driving

Lose
The knack of procrastinating
10 pounds

Hmm. The "lose" section I can afford to do before I get to the As. In the meantime, have a nice day. And good night.

3 Days Left of Real School

I remember watching the 0304 batch leave around this time. It doesn't seem to have been so long ago.

Anyway. Random TJ moments:

In the girls' bathroom
2 girls holding organic chem notes stroll in, obviously mugging for a test of some sort.

Science Student 1: "How do you tell the difference between brown bread and white bread?"

Long, expectant silence - during which I assumed the other girl was trying to remember the molecular structure of the aforementioned loaves.

Science Student 2: "I think...white bread is...white, so brown bread should be...brown."

Oh. Intelligent.

Classmate on a class-fund evading fellow classmate

"People become billionaires through entrepreneurship and innovation (aside: She definitely listened to PM Lee's speech); he's gonna become a billionaire through defaulting on payments."

I'm gonna miss everybody.

I just had to blog this. Talking to mp10-er about our combined desire for oxbridge:

azz-o: i know you want it as bad as i do so we have to. havetohavetohaveto.

me: if there was something we could get by sheer willpower babe, this would be it.

azz-o (in an apparent flash of insight): i pray for you you pray for me and we'll get TWO religions rooting for us, yeay!

The Week in Retrospect (According to my Desktop Calander)

Sunday, 14 August 2005
St. Pat's Alumni Concert @ VCH.
Genuinely entertaining, but also slightly disconcerting to have to smile at boys whose faces you used to crush on in yearbooks.

Monday, 15 August 2005
Return Library Books
(Amended to Renew Library Books when I realised I hadn't read them yet.)

Tuesday, 16 August 2005
Lit GOST Test. When Houston and I become the last ones still writing (waaaay after time is up), Mr. Rajesh goes: "Let's see who get's higher. " Oh the joy of competition.

Wednesday, 17 August 2005
Maths Lecture Test. Do-able.
Warwick Uni Talk on Warwick (duh) and How to Write a Personal Statement. Concretized its position on my ucas form.

Thursday, 18 August 2005
Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Friday, 19 August 2005
Girls Napfa 5 items. A for situps, B for sitandreach, C for pullups, D for shuttle run, F for broad jump.

Saturday, 20 August 2005
Complete Cambridge Form. An Agonizing Five Hour Chore.

Sunday, 21 August 2005
A surprisingly enjoyable Homily, by Father Luke no less. According to him, church groups are like fruit cakes. Because fruit cakes are rich with butter and eggs and milk (aside: as are all cakes) and church groups are rich too, with faith and dedication etc. Also, fruit cakes contain a variety of flavours from raisins, sultanas and cherries; likewise, church groups contain a variety of flavours from the different types of people there are. Thirdly (yes, I know, no such word) fruit cakes contain intoxicating ingredients, such as liquor, brandy or sherry. Church groups contain intoxicating ingredients too - people with addictive characters and personalities (although sometimes they may be intoxicated.) But most importantly, church groups are like fruitcakes because both are full of nuts. No more free fruit cake from the canteen aunties for you, Father.
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I have NO LIFE. And I can't even blame the exams for it. Fellow examinees (like Libby) are evidence enough for that.

And it's not like I'm studying much either. I'm still stuck on Day 3 of my study schedule and it's DAY ELEVEN.

Ok that's it. I'm a lost cause. Excuse me while I go bury my head in the sand.

Edit: Upon intense contemplation, I realise that Libby has an unfair advantage. With the number of siblings she has, something has got to be going on at some point of time. I...have 3 dogs. Whose primary aim in life is mostly to keep their tails and paws out of the way, and fight for the coolest and quietest places in the house to sleep. Sometimes that includes fighting for prime space under the desk in my room, upon which I suffer bitten toes and scratched legs, but more often than not they (albeit reluctantly) retreat to the kitchen, whereupon all 3 lie on their backs, legs splayed, dignity disregarded. I want a pet giraffe.

I find it relatively amusing that my one and only breakdown in school was brought about by a stupid napfa test that has no bearing on anything else but my self esteem. Which isn't even really affected. *shrugz* Complicated.

There seems to be so much to do, so much demanded, so much expected, and so much needed. And saying yes to one thing is to say no to another - an answer which is questioned, and used to make me feel guilty, and hopefully to change my mind. But I can't, don't you see? There are too many variables in life to say yes to everything and hope it all goes well. Things just don't. There does not have to be a reason for failure. Or a reason for success. But as long as I have some form of control, I need to, and will use it. Selfish? Maybe. But flip the coin kiddo - aren't you being selfish by demanding things from me? How about sacrifice on your part too. I'm stretched so thin I can hardly see myself. Everybody has legitimate reasons for their demands. How can I say yes to all?

I need this, don't you see. The ability to work for this dream is the only thing I have been able to depend on, at least in a non-spiritual context. And I keep giving up that ability for things which, though perhaps equally important - argh I don't know where this argument is going. Except that I can't do it anymore.

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

Courtesy of tickle.com:

"Val, you're a Chihuahua

No bones about it, you're an energetic, devoted Chihuahua. For your breed, size definitely doesn't matter. After all, sometimes the best things (diamonds, car keys, Godiva truffles) come in small packages. Honest and straightforward, you're never afraid to speak up for what you believe in, especially if it's a cause near and dear to your heart. Having such a passionate personality can come with a few drawbacks, though. You can be moody at times, and people often find it hard to live up to your high standards. But once you make a friend, it's for life. Saucy and intense, your energy and unfailing loyalty make you a great companion. Woof!"

Brillianto. Not only yappy and annoyingly hyper, my canine alter-ego is vertically challenged too. Life is so unfair. *sulks*

Anyway, I'm blogging from the Hub. In College. Instead of following my jam-packed study schedule (which is currently being ruined anyway, by the plethora of tests and written assignments we are getting.) I'm actually supposed to be doing an Econs article - but, evidently, talking to myself (since nobody seems to tag) is more entertaining.

It's Week 8 people. 2 weeks left of actual lessons (since study break starts in week 10), 2 weeks of pure mugging at home, and it's the prelims. And after that, about 6 weeks to the A levels. It's enough to make anyone religious. I really am seriously contemplating going for morning Masses - and no, it's not just because of the upcoming exams. I've been reading stuff, as those of you who know, know. And the more I read, the more I'm convinced (although, technically, I was supposed to be convinced long ago - but we shan't be delusional about the state of catechetics in Singapore Churches shall we? I loved my catechism classes - and my catechists did try very hard to impart knowledge - but there is still so much more) that I'm in the right place. That the Church really is the true church set up by Christ; that every Mass we do take of His Body and Blood; that purgatory does exist; that Mother Mary and the Saints are interceding for us; that the Traditions and Teachings of the Church were handed down from the Apostles; that the body of intellectual debate and apologetics that I would never have expected have existed since the very first century; that the powers of hell will never prevail in a Church instituted by God Himself. And when you're convinced, first emotionally, then intellectually, then even more powerfully emotionally again - you want to be part of it all, all the time, every day. It's one of the factors that induced that message I sent out (so, you see, I was not suicidal).

Still reading? I really should get back to that econs article. Just 2 more things: I really really really really miss my councillors (of course, they could always remedy that by, say, a birthday surprise. Or an after-prelim treat. Or something). And council day, was, aside from known regrettable factors, brilliant. It wasn't the games (which I wasn't there for), or the food (I only had a slice of pizza and one drumstick), or even the mass dance (although I do like that). Again, as always, it was the people. Predominantly my darling 27th of course, but also the 26th - I kinda miss having seniors around, and the 29th, who are, occasionally, quite adorable. As for the 28th, not having been there at ALL is chastise-able. So there. Count yourselves chastised.

Argh one period's almost over. I just love econs.

Bhachk.

It's time to officially proclaim the start of my intensive study schedule. Any earlier, I would burn out, any later, I would burn, period.

I've got 5 library books to cover by Sunday, 2 new novels for lit s, 3 econs s essays, 2 (3?) lit s essays, and a suitably outstanding personal statement due by the end of this month.

I'm tired of the politics involved in large groups, and frankly if friends are so easily forgotten or even given up on, then maybe the so called friendship isn't quite worth it. I'll just have to accept the fact that yes, although the disintegration of a close-knit group in any circumstance (and there are several circumstances) is sad, it's happened - and I'll just have to get over it. I refuse to spend time making up to people who don't actually need me around; and you know what, I realise I don't really need big groups either. I'm so much happier with people who are comfortable with just meeting up for lunch, one on one or maybe two or three; who don't need to talk to me everyday to feel like we're close; who can, even after months of not meeting or even msging, still call each other best friends, because we know that true feeling and yes even love is not determined by what we say, sometimes not even what we do, but what we know. I'm not going to make the effort, because I'm tired enough already, and because it's already backfired on me. I'll miss you, of course. But I would miss you soon enough anyway, and I've gotten over missing other people. I truly believe that real friendship is intimate, and that it, unfortunately, is confined to a select few. Perhaps not always the few that I would have selected, based on my own flawed judgement, but the few all the same - and the few I thank God everyday for.

I still love all my councillors though. Even when they DON'T reply spur of the moment, national day inspired, emo-filled sms-es. Hmph.

There are 33 days left to the Prelims. That statement is supposed to inspire slight panic and conscious movement towards my open econs notebook. Supposed to. There are 792 hours left to the Prelims. Ah. That did it. Alritey then.

I'll be back. Bach. Bahk.

Bachk.

*My Ox Duke*

By 18th Century Poet John Dyer

'Twas on a summer morn, in Stainsford mead

New mown and tedded, while the weary swains,

Louting beneath an oak, their toils relieved;

And some with wanton tale the nymphs beguiled,

And some with song, and some with kisses rude;

Their scythes hung o'er their heads: when my brown ox,

Old labourer Duke, in awkward haste I saw

Run stumbling through the field to reach the shade

Of an old open barn, whose gloomy floor

The lash of sounding flails had long forgot.

In vain his eager haste: sudden old Duke Stopped:

a soft ridge of snow-white little pigs

Along the sacred threshold sleeping lay.

Burnt in the beam, and stung with swarming flies,

He stood tormented on the shadow's edge:

What should he do? What sweet forbearance held His heavy foot from trampling on the weak, To gain his wishes? Hither, hither all, Ye vain, ye proud!

see, humble heaven attends; The fly-teased brute with gentle pity stays,

And shields the sleeping young. O gracious Lord!

Aid of the feeble, cheerer of distress,

In his low labyrinth each small reptile's guide! God of unnumbered worlds! Almighty power! Assuage our pride. Be meek, thou child of man: Who gives thee life, gives every worm to live, Thy kindred of the dust. - Long waiting stood

The good old labourer, in the burning beam,

And breathed upon them, nosed them, touched them soft,

With lovely fear to hurt their tender sides;

Again soft touched them; gently moved his head

From one to one; again, with touches soft,

He breathed them o'er, till gruntling waked and stared

The merry little young, their tails upcurled,

And gambolled off with scattered flight.

Then sprung The honest ox, rejoiced, into the shade.

The Catechism on War

Taken from Catholic Answers, www.catholic.com

2307 The fifth commandment forbids the intentional destruction of human life. Because of the evils and injustices that accompany all war, the Church insistently urges everyone to prayer and to action so that the divine Goodness may free us from the ancient bondage of war.

2308 All citizens and all governments are obliged to work for the avoidance of war.However, "as long as the danger of war persists and there is no international authority with the necessary competence and power, governments cannot be denied the right of lawful self-defense, once all peace efforts have failed" (Gaudium et Spes 79).

2309 The strict conditions for legitimate defense by military force require rigorous consideration. The gravity of such a decision makes it subject to rigorous conditions of moral legitimacy. At one and the same time:
- the damage inflicted by the aggressor on the nation or community of nations must be lasting,
grave, and certain;
- all other means of putting an end to it must have been shown to be impractical or ineffective;
there must be serious prospects of success;
- the use of arms must not produce evils and disorders graver than the evil to be eliminated.

The power of modern means of destruction weighs very heavily in evaluating this condition.These are the traditional elements enumerated in what is called the "just war" doctrine.The evaluation of these conditions for moral legitimacy belongs to the prudential judgment of those who have responsibility for the common good.

2310 Public authorities, in this case, have the right and duty to impose on citizens the obligations necessary for national defense.Those who are sworn to serve their country in the armed forces are servants of the security and freedom of nations. If they carry out their duty honorably, they truly contribute to the common good of the nation and the maintenance of peace.

2311 Public authorities should make equitable provision for those who for reasons of conscience refuse to bear arms; these are nonetheless obliged to serve the human community in some other way.

2312 The Church and human reason both assert the permanent validity of the moral law during armed conflict. "The mere fact that war has regrettably broken out does not mean that everything becomes licit between the warring parties" (GS 79).

2313 Non-combatants, wounded soldiers, and prisoners must be respected and treated humanely.Actions deliberately contrary to the law of nations and to its universal principles are crimes, as are the orders that command such actions. Blind obedience does not suffice to excuse those who carry them out. Thus the extermination of a people, nation, or ethnic minority must be condemned as a mortal sin. One is morally bound to resist orders that command genocide.

2314 "Every act of war directed to the indiscriminate destruction of whole cities or vast areas with their inhabitants is a crime against God and man, which merits firm and unequivocal condemnation" (GS 80).

A danger of modern warfare is that it provides the opportunity to those who possess modern scientific weapons—especially atomic, biological, or chemical weapons—to commit such crimes.

2315 The accumulation of arms strikes many as a paradoxically suitable way of deterring potential adversaries from war. They see it as the most effective means of ensuring peace among nations. This method of deterrence gives rise to strong moral reservations. The arms race does not ensure peace. Far from eliminating the causes of war, it risks aggravating them. Spending enormous sums to produce ever new types of weapons impedes efforts to aid needy populations; it thwarts the development of peoples. Over-armament multiplies reasons for conflict and increases the danger of escalation.

2316 The production and the sale of arms affect the common good of nations and of the international community. Hence public authorities have the right and duty to regulate them. The short-term pursuit of private or collective interests cannot legitimate undertakings that promote violence and conflict among nations and compromise the international juridical order.

2317 Injustice, excessive economic or social inequalities, envy, distrust, and pride raging among men and nations constantly threaten peace and cause wars. Everything done to overcome these disorders contributes to building up peace and avoiding war: "Insofar as men are sinners, the threat of war hangs over them and will so continue until Christ comes again; but insofar as they can vanquish sin by coming together in charity, violence itself will be vanquished and these words will be fulfilled: ‘They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more’" (GS 78; cf. Is. 2:4].

An interesting counter to the total pacificism advocated by Father Zabelka. Again, I'll comment later.

An extract from a speech by Father George Zabelka, at a Pax Christi Conference in August 1984, on the 40th Anniversary of the Hiroshima bombings

From the New Sunday Times, August 7 2005
"I worked with Martin Luther King Jr during the Civil Rights struggle in Flint, Michigan.

His example and his words of non-violent action, choosing love instead of hate, truth instead of lies, and non-violence instead of violence stirred me deeply.

This brought me face to face with pacifism - active nonviolent resistance to evil.

I recall his words after he was jailed in Montgomery, and this blew my mind.

He said: "Blood may flow in the streets of Montgomery before we gain our freedom, but it must be our blood that flows, and not that of the white man. We must not harm a single hair on the head of our white brothers."

I struggled. I argued. But yes, there it was in the Sermon on the Mount, very clear: "Love your enemies. Return good for evil."

I went through a crisis of faith. Either accept what Christ said, as unpassable and silly as it may seem, or deny him completely.

...

Ethical hairsplitting over the morality of various types of instruments and structures of mass slaughter is not what the world needs from the Church, although it is what the world has come to expect from the followers of Christ.

What the world needs is a grouping of Christians that will stand up and pay up with Jesus Christ.

What the world needs is Christians who, in language that the simplest soul can understand, will proclaim: the follower of Christ cannot participate in mass slaughter. He or she must love as Christ loved, live as Christ lived and, if necessary, die as Christ died, loving one's enemies.

...

As a Catholic chaplain I watched as the Boxcar, piloted by a good Irish Catholic, dropped the bomb on Urakami Cathedral in Nagasaki, the centre of Catholicism in Japan.

I knew that St. Francis Xavier, centuries before, had brought the Catholic faith to Japan. I knew that schools, churches, and religious orders were annihilated. Yet I said nothing.

Thank God that today I'm able to speak out against war, all war. The prophets of the Old Testament spoke out against all false gods of gold, silver and metal.

Today we are worshipping the gods of metal, the bomb. We are putting our trust in physical power, militarism, and nationalism. The bomb, not God, is our security and our strength.

The prophets of the Old Testament said simply: Do not put your trust in chariots and weapons, but put your trust in God. Their message was simple, and so is mine.

We must all do something for peace. We must stop this insanity of worshipping the gods of metal. We must take a stand against evil and idolatory. This is our destiny at the most critical time of human history.

But it's also the greatest opportunity ever offered to any group of people in the history of our world - to save our world from complete annihilation."

This, obviously, isn't the whole speech. It isn't even the whole of what was printed in the New Straits Times (which my dad brought back from KL). But he did bring up lots of points of interest. Like pacificism.

Unfortunately, i've got to go now. So i'll come back to this later. Ciaoz peeps.

I don't know how to start this, because I don't know how it will end. What I do know is that things have gotten messy in between, and maybe it's my fault. In fact, it probably is, because the choices I've made are all my own. So I suppose the resulting recriminations are just that. Resulting.

Is it gone forever? What I know is that it'll never be the same.

The last shot, then maybe I'll know if it is time, finally (and as I knew, inevitably), to draw away. Maybe I do have a problem. But maybe I don't. I'm going, but I don't know how I'll feel - which is probably the worst part of it all. I hate this.

And you know, the next time you want to make racist jokes, bear in mind who you're with. Stereotypes may be fine, especially around friends who take it all with a pinch of salt. But calling some races dirty, and shuddering at the mention of a mixed relationship, is never acceptable. Maybe you forgot who, or what I am. And to you, who didn't make the joke, but laughed abashedly, as if you were afraid that if you didn't laugh, you would be laughed at, now I know your true colours. Do you know why I left when I did? Because it wasn't funny anymore. And because it hurt.

Yesterday I attended a beautiful wedding in kl. My mum's flowergirl was getting married. She's Indian, like most of my mum's side of the family - and the groom was Japanese. Remember that the next time you want to make or participate in a racial slur. I'm a product of mixed marriages. If you think we are "tainted", to use your word, then maybe you should stop hanging out with me. Or at least stop pretending to be my friend. Don't give me rubbish about liking me for the person I am, not the race I am - my race is part of who I am, and if you can't accept that, then well, I'm sorry for you. I have gotten past the stage, thankfully, where being called a mongrel to my face results in me dissolving into tears. I will never cry in front of you, or because of you, because your words don't mean anything to me.

The thing about the truth is, it's hardly ever what you want it to be.

Scar

He left a card, a bar of soap and a scrubbing brush next to a note which said

"use these down to your bones"

And before I knew that I had shiny skin, it felt easy being clean like him

and I thought"this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze into a circle

He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?

And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?

And so that I do remember to never go that far;

Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats;

She smelt like sugar and spoke like the sea

And she told me, don't trust them, trust me

Then she pulled at my stitches one by one

Looking at my insides clicking her tongue

and then she said"this will all have to come undone"

A triangle trying to fit into a circle

She tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver, the way things could have gone?

And doesn't it feel peculiar, when everyone wants a little more?

And so that I do remember to never go that far

Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time,

although my old self was so hard to find

You bathe me in your finest wine,

but I won't give you mine

'Cos I'm a little bit tired of feeling

like I'll be the bad fruit that nobody buys

Tell me, did you think that we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver, the way things could have gone?

Doesn't that feel peculiar, when everyone wants a little more?

And so that I do remember to never go that far

Could you leave me with a scar?

I do. Have scars. But for some inane reason I keep forgetting to look at them. Thanks for nothing.

Raffles Institution


The School That Suited You Most!
brought to you by Quizilla

Rofl. I don't know if I should be amused or insulted. Probably a little of both. Argh. I hate exams.

Blogging hiatus: 2 days

Time to read: Priceless

I am rediscovering the joys of reading, thanks to a Humanities day stint which required me to fish for books I loved, and passages I would love others to hear. My first choice was the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice:

On second thoughts, it's way too long to type out here, and I'm not sure if I'll be infringing copyrights.

The day before the event though, I found out that I couldn't do Pride and Prejudice because someone else had chosen it first, (and had chosen the exact same chapter too, as I discovered eventually) and so I had to choose something else. After exactly 4 minutes of brain storming, I remembered my pre-Austen all time favourite: The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint Exupery. I love the whole book, but as I had only about 4 minutes for my passage, I chose this one:

On the fifth day - again, as always, it was thanks to the sheep - the secret of the little prince's life was revealed to me. Abruptly, without anything to lead up to it, and as if the question had been born of long and silent meditation on his problem, he demanded:

"A sheep - if it eats little bushes, does it eat flowers, too?"
"A sheep," I answered, "eats anything it finds in its reach."
"Even flowers that have thorns?"
"Yes, even flowers that have thorns."
"Then the thorns - what use are they?"

I did not know. At that moment I was very busy trying to unscrew a bolt that had got stuck in my engine. I was very much worried, for it was becoming clear to me that the breakdown of my plane was extremely serious. And I had so little drinking-water left that I had to fear the worst.

"The thorns - what use are they?"

The little prince never let go of a question, once he had asked it. As for me, I was upset over that bolt. And I answered with the first thing that came into my head:

"The thorns are of no use at all. Flowers have thorns just for spite!"
"Oh!"

There was a moment of complete silence. Then the little prince flashed back at me, with a kind of resentfulness:

"I don't believe you! Flowers are weak creatures. They are naiive. They reassure themselves as best they can. They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons..."

I did not answer. At that instant I was saying to myself: "If this bolt still won't turn, I am going to knock it out with the hammer." Again the little prince disturbed my thoughts:

"And you actually believe that the flowers - "
"Oh, no!" I cried. "No, no, no! I don't believe anything. I answered you with the first thing that came into my head. Don't you see - I am very busy with matters of consequence!"

He stared at me, thunderstruck.

"Matters of consequence!"

He looked at me there, with my hammer in my hand, my fingers black with engine-grease, bending down over an object which seemed to him extremely ugly...

"You talk just like the grown-ups!"

That made me a little ashamed. But he went on, relentlessly:

"You mix everything up together...You confuse everything..."

He was really very angry. He tossed his golden curls in the breeze.

"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over, just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!' And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man - he is a mushroom!"
"A what?"
"A mushroom!"

The little prince was now white with rage.

"The flowers have been growing thorns for millions of years. For millions of years the sheep have been eating them just the same. And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never of any use to them? Is the warfare between the sheep and the flowers not important? Is this not of more consequence than a fat red-faced gentleman's sums? And if I know - I, myself - one flower which is unique in the world, which grows nowhere but on my planet, but which one little sheep can destroy in a single bite some morning, without even noticing what he is doing - Oh! You think that is not important!"

His face turned from white to red as he continued:

"If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself: 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened...And you think that is not important!"

He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing.

The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment now was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:

"The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will - "

I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

And, on a related note, it is such a lonely place, the land of fears. (Back to me. Reality calls.)

Fears of falling: out of track. out of mind. in love. apart.
Fears of needing: comfort. people. more than what i have.
Fears of feeling: out of control. powerless. alone. needy.

Powerless-ness. I think most of us fear that. A situation where you can't do anything about anything. Yet somehow, it could be a liberating situation. One in which you have no choice but to put it all in His hands. And then you realise that it's been there all along. And then you are free.

In (predominantly wishful) anticipation of not blogging for a while, I've left several links below my Previous Posts sections. Probably worth checking them out. :)

And this is probably one of the most sublimally beautiful tragic love scenes in the history of literature:

They were strangers who had met in a chance encounter.
They had known each other before Life began.

There is very little that anyone could say to clarify what happened next. Nothing that (in Mammachi's book) would seperate Sex from Love. Or Needs from Feelings.

Except perhaps that no Watcher watched through Rahel's eyes. No one stared out of a window at the sea. Or a boat in the river. Or a passer-by in the mist in a hat.

Except perhaps that it was a little cold. A little wet. But very quiet. The Air.

But what was there to say?

Only that there were tears. Only that Quietness and Emptiness fitted together like stacked spoons. Only that there was a snuffling in the hollows at the base of a lovely throat. Only that a honey-coloured shoulder had a semi-circle of teethmarks on it. Only that they held each other close, long after it was over. Only that what they shared that night was not happiness, but hideous grief.

Only that once again they broke the Love Laws. That lay down who should be loved. And how. And how much.

Yet another excerpt from "The God of Small Things". Honestly, reading this book reminds me again and again why I love lit, and why I'll never regret doing an extra year for it. I would copy out the scene between Ammu and Velutha and the end of the novel, except that I suspect that would be a spoiler (as yet, those who havnt read the book wouldn't know who this particular scene is between). Also, I might horrify certain readers with the blatant eroticism and sexuality of an A-level text. Not that I'm complaining mind you. It's about time people stop seeing sex as dirty, or just plain fun, but as something beautiful. (As a pointed aside, the Catholic Church doesn't view sex as dirty. Sex, as an act of love (and thus pro-creation) is beautiful - as is sexuality.)

Right. Back to Ayemenem then.

Attn all guys: This is NOT sweet

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way
Girl: What would you choose: your life..orme?
Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

Now, once and for all, let me make this clear. When a girl asks a guy if he likes her, it is NOT the time to be smart alec-y. SO not the time. The whole rubbish about the 'real' reasons sound more to me like polished attempts at reversing a break-up scenario. Not funny, not very smart. Feelings are not oratorical competitions you nitwits.

Right. All in the world is right again. I can't BELIEVE someone sent me that with the heading: so sweeeeeeeet. I'll like to see the girl in the scenario say the same. Sheesh.

On to more serious stuff. This is one of the most heart-rending passages I've ever read:

This was the stuff their dreams were made of. On the day that Estha was Returned. Chalk. Blackboards. Proper punishments.

They didn't ask to be let off lightly. They only asked for punishments that fitted their crimes. Not ones that came like cupboards with built-in bedrooms. Not ones you spent your whole life in, wandering through its maze of shelves.

Without warning the train began to move. Very slowly.

Estha's pupils dilated. His nails dug into Ammu's hand as she walked along the platform. Her walk turning into a run as the Madras Mail picked up speed.

Godbless, my baby. My sweetheart. I'll come for you soon!

'Ammu!' Estha said as she disengaged her hand. Prising loose small finger after finger. 'Ammu! Feeling vomity!' Estha's voice lifted into a wail.

Little Elvis the Pelvis with a spoiled, special-outing puff. And beige and pointy shoes. He left his voice behind.

On the station platform Rahel doubled over and screamed and screamed.

The train pulled out. The light pulled in.

Excerpt from "The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy

Really, really beautiful book. Word after word, line after line, passage after passage, page after page of heartbreak. So that you never want to read it again. But you do (and not just because I'm studying it for paper 5, although that IS a pretty good reason), simply because of the sheer beauty of her words, and the compulsive-ness of the story. If you've never read it, go and read it now. And if you've read it, go and read it again.

In this book I've discovered the most beautiful, and also most heart-rending word: Naaley. Tomorrow.

Back to the Grind

I suppose I should have been prepared for the realisation that nothing is ever over until it really is truly over.

Nobody would have understood that, don't beat yourself up over it.

Well my results were less than satisfactory, for me at least. I've got a long way to go to the results I'm aiming for for both the prelims and the blasted As. Still, it's a shorter way than what it was a month ago, and for that I'm thankful.

I love the ache my body feels after a good swim/run/climb/workout. When I arch my back there's this nice, stretched feeling that runs all the way from the base of my neck to my tailbone. Yes, I know it's called a spine.

Tailbone. A vestige of the tails of a Darwinian ancestor? Although I don't believe in his theory of evolution, there are amazing similarities between our monkey friends and us. Not the least being the incessant chattering one is surrounded with in a predominantly girl class ;)

I love my class. eunice azzah sy dora jac max wilson mos houston libby jinx wulan grass gardine camy janice eunice abel liying persis mel tania yintong. see what i mean by predominantly girl? But they're darlings, all of them. Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes they're brats. *grinz*

On a more sober note: God bless the souls of all who died in the London subway attack. And the souls of those who died and are dying all around the world. With all due respect, it irks me when only terrorist attacks on major (read: developed and rich) countries get major press attention. Did anybody notice the running thingy at the bottom of the tv on CNN last night? There are tragedies everywhere, manmade and natural. Of course it angers people that people kill people - but really by our every action (and non-action), we kill people too. When's the last time the Straits Times published a headcount of the people (Iraqis, not American) killed in Iraq? Why is it we only get updates on American casualties? How come a land that was supposed to be 'freed' is still under occupation? I have no sympathy for violent Muslim extremists. I don't even have sympathy for violent 'Christian' extremists. I say 'Christian' because Christianity is a religion of peace. A violent Christian is an oxymoron. I do however, have much empathy for the thousands of people who suffer because of them.

On a related note: When I heard about the blasts last night, I messaged a couple of friends telling them about it. One of them replied: "Do you think my people did it?" I said: "Your people? Like who?" And the next message was: "You know. My muslim brothers who get labelled as terrorists." I told him people who kill innocent people are nobody's brothers, changed the subject, and we let it go at that. Maybe he was kidding around. Maybe not. But it begs the question - if something like this happens here, in Singapore - how many of us will still hold 'my people' to be Singaporeans, and how many will switch 'my people' to being those who hold the same religious beliefs as we do? Will friend turn against friend, brother against brother (because I know of families with different religions), mother against child? Or will we stand together, back against the wall, banded against the attacker who no longer is part of 'my people', but the enemy? I hope I know the answer, but sadly, I don't quite know for sure. Maybe we wouldn't physically attack each other. But we may just turn away - and somehow, that will be so much more damaging for a society that is just only begin to turn towards.

Well, it's back to the pseudo-reality of mugging, sighing, mugging and mugging again for me. I'm so glad I'm not prone to hormonal crushes on vampires and stationary. Not to mention ingredients in fish-head curry and tools of tictactoe. I can do without anguishing over semi-developed beings with heads so big they need to wear helmets for 2 years to keep them from imploding due to excess space on the inside. (I'm on a roll here, aren't I.) Thus free from alpha chimp-induced trauma, I WILL get those grades I need. And when those grades are done, (or, occasionally, in-between), I would probably enjoy a bit of alpha chimp attention. Till then though, I'm content with my court jesters. *grinz*

Till next time.

Let's talk about Sex

Got your attention, didn't I? This got my attention too:
It can be fun, dangerous, a total high and despite the fact that it can also break your heart, more and more women are doing it. It's that uninvolved liaison with a guy you go to bed with, but aren't committed to. Your one night stand.

Pops up on the MSN Today window every time I sign on to MSN. Well, no. Not the same article, but similar ones. Before I offer my opinion though, let's take a look at what the article is, or is not about.

"It wasn't always this way - even a generation ago, casual sex was relatively unknown for women. Men could sleep around and be regarded as 'sowing their wild oats' without a hint of criticism. But a woman who had casual sex was, and often still is, more likely to be labelled a 'slag' and seen as 'unnatural'."

Hmm. I notice a slight bias in the tone here.

"Casual sex is now more acceptable than it was because nowadays women have the freedom and opportunity for uninvolved lovemaking; we meet men through work, through friends or even through the Internet. We also have easy access to contraception and protection, making it far safer to have sex with no nasty repercussions."

Ah. Nasty repercussions like getting pregnant? I see. Funny. I thought getting pregnant was something of a miracle. Y'know. Gift from God.

"...in a survey in the States commissioned by the Oprah Winfrey Show, 50 per cent of respondents said that casual sex was worth it. They thought it exciting, enjoyable - and a statement of their sexual identity, a reflection of the fact that as a 21st century woman, they wanted to be free to have sex when and with whom they wanted."

So, if I am to be a 21st century woman, I should want to be free to have sex when and with whom I wanted? Oh dear.

"So that's the good news. Sadly, here's the bad. The other 50 per cent of Oprah respondents thought that casual sex wasn't worth it - and 80 per cent of them have had regrets. It isn't the morality, it isn't even a feeling of shame. The main reason that casual sex may not deliver is that we often want more than just the instant hit it offers - and even if we didn't want more when we started, we do when we finish."

Yes, that is bad news. 'That' being the fact that women didn't want to have casual sex not because of morality or a feeling of shame, but merely because it doesn't 'deliver' the way we want it to.

Admittedly, this is an msn article, and so is not a reflection of the singaporean woman the way a Today article, for example, would. But it is a reflection of the way more and more people are thinking. Or at least it would seem so, wouldn't it? The way this article is written, one would think almost everybody was dying for casual sex, and just cant figure out why it isn't 'delivering' for them. Which of course, in this world of almost negligible moral authority, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell everyone that everyone, deep down inside, wants to have a fling with the guy down the street, and everyone would probably belive, and eventually end up wanting it. Of course, I'm making gross generalisations. But this article really did annoy me. And before you accuse me of being narrow-minded and conservative, read the rest of the article here. And then let me state, for the record, that I am conservative, so accusing me as such wouldn't hurt much; I am not, I hope, too narrow-minded - but I do like having my own stand.

Sex is not something to be ashamed of; neither is sexuality - both are gifts from God. But sex isn't, and cannot, be casual. Even the article admits that "physiologically, sex creates a flood of hormones that naturally create a bond. Oxytocin (the same hormone that women release while breastfeeding) makes us feel close to a partner and dopamine makes us feel content in his company, both of which are released during sex." Does that sound like something casual to you? Sex is the ultimate, but not the only, act of making love between a husband and wife; it forms a bond probably nothing else can. Is that really something we want to do with every other male within a 500m radius?

I know for a fact that many girls don't take casual sex lightly. That most would wait for marriage before doing anything. Why then do we let the rest of the world have their, and only their opinion heard?

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against people involved in casual sex. I do, however, have something against the people and institutions which make these people believe that casual sex in not only alright, but to be desired - if we are confident enough. That's like saying...you don't wanna have casual sex? Aww...it's ok darling. You'll like it soon enough - it's just a matter of getting used to it. Don't worry, nobody will blame you...yet. Wait. That is what they're saying.

If ever articles like this make it to the mainstream newspaper (mainstream being stuff I read ;) like Today, Streats, TNP and Straits Times), I'm writing in. Morality isn't a disease.