Hello, friend.

Greetings from Trinity College, Cambridge. To those I promised to write to but havn't yet, I WILL, soon. I've only just about settled down and am slowly getting into the rhythm of things. (Things being wake up, bathe, make breakfast, convince self to go out of warm room, do whatever, lunch, try as much as possible to go back to warm room in between doing things that must be done, figuring out how to do dinner if hall is closed and, for the last couple of nights, go for fresher social stuff. Which is as detailed as I'm going to be about my after-dinner activities. No, I havn't touched alcohol, and no, that hasn't caused any detriment to my social life. Am quite pleasantly surprised really.)

Let's start from the very beginning shall we? (A very good place to start. When you read you begin with etc.) Arrived in Cambridge Tuesday morning...slept most of the flight, and much of the coach ride too. Stayed in a b&b in milton for 2 nights, and moved in on thursday. My room's tiny, but it's cosy. It's kind of like a small rectangular box. My bed's on the length, and it just about reaches the door, which is centimeters from the end of the lenght, and my bed's just right for me. Anyone taller than 1.65m would probably have cold toes in the morning. Either that or a cramp in their back. So that's an illustration of the length. It's got white sheets, with a maroon duvet. Looks kinda like my bed at home, so I was comfortable there almost immediately. Next to my bed is a little table with a lamp on it, and next to THAT is a bookcase, which slowly but surely will be filled with books I'm discovering :) So that covers the breadth. Parallel to my bed is my writing desk, and a nice tub chair...kinda like a sofa, but for one person. There's a smaller desk next to it, that's where I usually put the mac when I'm working on it, cuz it's next to the window and I get some nice sunlight. So from where I'm sitting: behind me's the wardrobe, and next to that's a cupboard containing a sink, and shelves where I've put detergent and stuff. Oh and between the cupboard and wardrobe is a fridge and a couple of shelves. I now have expired milk and stale bread in each, respectively. Must remember to eat/drink things before they go bad.

There are 6 people on my corridor, 3 on each side...3 girls and 3 boys, but I hardly ever see one of the girls. It's pretty cool, we've had corridor dinners (one of which was side-splittingly disastrous) and stuff. It's been social after social since I arrived, so I do know quite a few people by name, and quite a few more by face. International freshers' week was brilliant, and it's probably the reason why I'm as comfortable here as I am. And whoever said the British weren't friendly probably never attended a uni freshers' week, cuz everyone's trying to make friends (being alone and feeling lost gives one great incentive to do so) and as such are almost unfailingly friendly. Almost. Of course, it helps when there's alcohol around, and it's usually pretty amusing, but even when sober...

Okay, so where things to do with the reason why I'm here (which is to study, yes) are concerned, I met my director of studies, also known as a DOS today. And lectures start friday, whoopeee. No I'm serious. After a week of fresher social stuff, it's stabilizing to actually have real work to do. And real work I do have, since I need to read the Iliad by Monday. Woot. Oh and analyse some pc stuff too. Yay lit.

Signed up for a thousand and one societies, but will probably end up just going for the Amateur Dramatic Club and Fisher Society, which is the Catholic society here. In fact auditions for plays start this sat, so things are happening pretty fast.

Still need to read Paradise Lost. Eek.

Alright, this part is for those of you who came to send me off at the airport on Monday. You guys have no idea how much it meant to me. Everytime I'm minutely down, I look at the pictures we took and cheer up. So for your viewing pleasure:









Gosh I've put on weight, havn't I. Oh well. Have lost some since I arrived. Must be all the walking I'm doing...Cambridge is a lot bigger than it sounds. For example. last night after a party at the Soul Tree Club we decided to walk a friend back to Newnham College despite warnings of its distance, because our adrenaline-pumped selves didn't think far would be QUITE that far. Feet havn't quite forgiven me yet. And my body clock hates me. Regardless of the time I actually fall asleep, it WILL wake me up at 7am. Sharp. And there's only so much lying in bed hoping to fall back asleep one can do before one gives up and rolls out of bed to bathe. Sigh.

I'm doing great you guys, so don't worry. I have rough days (sorry zid), but in general, it's a brilliant experience. And I'll live. And learn.



With love, from Cambridge.

Bop-shoo-bop-ba-bop-bop-shoo-wop

Marking is oooooooover. Yes I know it's my fault it took so long. But over it is, and that's the point. On my itunes radio search I found a Beatles radio station

And it's making me very happy :)

Right. So today I will clear up my study room, and actually officially pack my bags. (So that I can reclaim my paternally confiscated nano and books. I can't believe he did that. Pfft.)

Things I still need to do: Get my matriculation outfit, buy supply of stationary, transfer songs to my ipod, get photos of people I want photos of (which is harder than it sounds when you have camera-phobic bozos as people you want photos of), get all the letters and certificates and receipts I should get cleared cleared. And more. Which as of now I can't remember. Woot.

Heeeyyyy Juuuuuude

Post #200

"Welcome to unteenagedom". So says Alicia of the "argh noooo it's Val nooo go away" fame. Kinda miss 4/7, now that I think about it, heh.

Anyway. Aaron you FORGOT. I'm hurt, distraught, destroyed,miffed, shattered, etc.

Here's how my marking stands: I've finished ALL comprehensions, AQs and journal entries. I've only got 2 classes of essays left to mark. I'm very proud of myself. I still want that snow patrol cd.

I've only got 10 days left. That's not much time now,is it? Here's how I've spent my week. On monday I spent a beautiful beautiful day with tootsie. We explored arab street! And discovered this quaint little punk record store (haha quaint little punk). And had a flaming platter in Manhatten Fish Market, which I'll be bringing you to nessa. Argh why is there no end key on the mac. It's quite impossible to describe days out with toot. Things just happen and we're just there and it's just perfect. Haha yes babe actually we do sound like a couple when talking about this huh haha. I loooooooove you.


Tuesday I had lunch with aaron. Yes aaron, the ingrate who has ONCE AGAIN forgotten my birthday. How hard is it to remember you tell me? (Yes, you yazid.) I like Essential Brew. Everybody, if at a loss for new,reasonable place to eat in Holland V, go to Essential Brew. Oh and their cheesecakes are to DIE for. The clown has me hooked on Terry Pratchett. Bad timing, seeing as I've yet to start on any book in my reading list. Hoho ohh I'm screwed.

Then it was meeting family friends tuesday night, my godpa on wednesday, Mime wednesday night and Forbidden City as a treat for my birthday.

FORBIDDEN CITY.
BLOODY AWESOME.

Cute actors too hehe I'm keeping the programme.

Today? Today was spent marking what I hadn't finished marking intermittently on buses and trains in the last 2 weeks, and meeting Uncle Philip and Aunty Jenny, who've a daughter studying hospitality in Switzerland. I think it calmed my mum down a little. I hope. After that...marking again. Gonna have to leave to meet Hafiz and Dhana soon though.

Edit at 11.34pm: Hafiz and Dhana and Ivan and Alex and Royston and Yazid. Much fun :)

Eek chasing cars thankyoushanethankyoushane

You know, I havn't quite dealt with the fact that I'm leaving yet. I mean, I've been meeting people everyday, and will be till the day I leave. The time in between I'm marking (yes I know my fault I'm slow sighhh.) and running mini errands. I havn't packed, havn't compiled an address book. Havn't written notes I wanted to write, havn't bought books I need to buy. Don't have a matriculation outfit, havn't planned what I want to bring for my room. Havn't taken pictures, don't have many pictures. Havn't opened my nano or imported songs into my mac. Don't have accomodation for the first day I'm there since Trinity'll only be ready on the 27th. (That's a valid panicNOW point right there.) I'm not prepared. Mentally or physically or emotionally. There's this dull throbbing fear, in combat with a bright clear 'don't WORRY you'll be FINE'. Which is beginning to sound brightly, clearly brittle. My brain hasn't quite come to terms with the fact that, aside from the seniors and fellow freshers I've met at various cumsa things in the last couple of weeks, and that's not many and I'm bad at names/faces (most people are bad at names OR faces. I'm bad at BOTH.) I'll know no one there. Which is fine, really. I don't usually have too hard a time making friends. But. It's still scary. Scare stories of unfriendly british kids don't help either. OHwell I suppose it's not much good worrying. Life rockz et al.

Right. That's about it then. Not vaguely poetic, this second centurial post. But then I'm not feeling vaguely poetic, just blog-ish. I shall go now. Toodeloo.






She's a must to avoid, a complete impossibility. ~The Herman's Hermits

hsajfkhldsafhjklalhrwerewajdsfjadksvnjvjadsfa;jfiwejrlasjdflkjvlafmslkafjlkjag;lkfjaelwjrkljvcmv,andksfjal;kdfjlk;jeklwaejalk;djvcknz
jkl;adjsfkl;jdkl;fjl;kaejfl;kdjkl;dslfksdmkladsm;lkjasdgkl;fj;lskdfjkls;afj;lakdskjfakl;dj
sdkafhjkladshfkalsdjfl;afakal;jal;jekl;jfklds;mvlkmvlkamds;lfkdsj;lffkl;jals;dfjkl;adjsfl;kasdjf
fsadjkfsadkfjl;kadsjfl;kadfjlkd;ajfl;asdfjlds


"The temptation to swear has never been so great. Amazing isn't it. Cut me off from online, virtual existence, and I wanna curse msn to extinction. Which would be cutting off my nose to spite my face, because then I'll never get back on msn. Bloody fish head curry mutton drain sweeper foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh. I know I'm plagiarizing, za. Sorry. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Growl."
(Me, September last year)


Ditto.



argh.

Zippedeedoodahhhh

(no, shane, i did not.)

am blogging on my pretty new white macbook, yippeeee.

A couple of things irk me about it though. The lack of 'home' and 'end' keys, for one, and the glaring absence of the 'delete' key. My tendency to constantly rephrase things I type makes it very annoying to have to rely on the paltry arrow keys to move around in my document.

Tried safari for a couple of days, and decided I still prefer Firefox. Tabs are addictive.

I need to find those mac stickies. Or is someone pulling my leg again?

Time flies, doesn't it. It's the 9th tomorrow, and I'm spending most of it at Sentosa. Am struggling to finish marking the kids' scripts in time. I really do feel bad, I know how annoying it is to have done essays and not get them back quickly. No excuses, will finish it. *nods. (And that snow patrol cd bribe is working too, heh.)

I realised that I spent most of my life just experiencing, and am only now able to synthesize and make sense of 'life', in the general sense of the word. I remember reading a poem sometime last year that expressed it perfectly. Something about a girl and water...I think it was Plath. Or maybe not. Gahhhh it's bugging me.

Not really in a blogging mood...going to go finish off a class of essays now. whoop. sigh.

Free Fallin'

She’s a good girl,loves her mamma, loves je -sus, and america

too.
She’s a good girl, crazy ‘bout elvis, loves horses,
and her boyfriend too.
And it's a long day, livin’ in
reseda, there’s a freeway, runnin’ thru the yard
And i’m a
bad boy, ‘cause i don’t even miss her, i’m a bad boy, for
breaking her heart
And i'm free, free falling.
Yeah
i'm free, free falling.
And all the vampires
walkin' through the valley move west down ventura
Boulevard.
And all the bad boys are standin' in the
shadows, and the good girls
Are home with broken hearts.

I wanna glide down over mulholland i wanna write her
name in the sky.
I'm gonna free fall out into
nothin', gonna leave this world for a while.

19 days to go Val.

September's Child

September's skies are sapphire hue;
Blue gentians star the woods at morn
Near crystal pools in woodland aisles -
In this bright month a Queen was born.

No silver fanfare filled the air
As angel wings flashed round the child;
No crown was placed upon her head,
But at her halo, Heaven smiled.

October's trees wear rosaries
Of gold and scarlet, green and brown,
And as the west wind fingers them
The Ave-leaves drift slowly down.

May raises high her blossom-shrines
Where bird-choirs sing their wood-notes wild,
But both these months pay homage to
A blue-gowned Queen - September's child.

Sr. Maryanna
Robert, Cyril. Mary Immaculate: God's Mother and Mine. Poughkeepsie, NY: Marist Press, 1946.

So September's here, and along with it a myriad of emotions. Keep me, dear Mother, in your care.

You see, the problem with choice, in my case, is that I'm not very good at choosing. I feel bad for inanimate objects.

So here are my options.

Mark all essays first.
Mark all compres first.
Mark one batch of essays alternated with one batch of compres.

And then there's which batch should I start with. Seeing as I must MUST return it to the kids by (eek.) tomorrow.

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"





Teehee.

Ok back to marking.

So I have a dream.

And in this dream we're actually doing something. Not talking about it, or wishing we were, or thinking about it, but doing something. And not on our own, subject to mood swings, bad judgement or lack of commitment, but with a mentor. A director who knows what he's talking about, and wants to give us that knowledge too.

We choose songs because they add to the Mass, not take away from. We play and sing to add to worship, not distract from. We worship.

We aren't just singing and playing. We are moving and changing. There's more to this Mass than a different type of songs. There is continuity, we look forward to the next.

We don't need to be avant-garde. Or to impress anyone. We serve in humility, and in the knowledge of Christ's Church's teachings.

We are spontaneous. Hierachy and its redtape exists only as much as we allow it to. We work organically, each person at least aware of the other. But we maintain a sense of awe, and the sacredness of the Mass is not compromised.

We aren't just about the music. We learn about our Faith. We learn about each other. We form a Christian community, where Christian is emphasised. We don't make fun of differences or weaknesses, or insist on conformity. Healthy relationships flourish.

We come from all over, all the Parishes. We are small, mobile and focused. We have a mission, and spread it. We are flexible, because our raison d'etre is the mission, not a person. Leaders are nurtured and given a chance. We keep our eyes on Christ.

We want to inflame, and ignite. We want to live the Truth. We want others to say, "Look at how they love each other". We want to be witnesses, just by being.

~

In exactly a month's time, it'll be the first day of Trinity's International Freshers' Week. And for the next three years, there won't be the permanancy common sense tells me is necessary to make dreams become reality. But almost nothing that's happened in my spiritual life thus far is common sense, and so I hold on to the hope that that isn't a mere dream.

Thus breaks the 3 month long spell of parched, starved, indifferent spirituality.

For as long as I shall live, I will testify to Love.

Sugar we're going down swingin'

Insightful, revolutionary conclusion of the day: Kissing is Therapeutic.

In other news:

I am officially panicked, because I've not read ANYTHING on anyone's english booklist. In fact, I havn't read anything, period, in the last 8 months.

I've got 4 days left of actual teaching. I forsee missing this, a lot.

I need more than 24 hours in a day, and more than 7 days in a week. Although, knowing me, that's still not going to be enough.

It's all about me, innit.


Edit: Do you think the kids might accept 'my dog ate your homework'? Sigh.

Finally!

"You have now been allocated to a Tutor who will be writing to you shortly.

Trinity College Admissions"

Woooooot I'm going they love me they didn't forget me I wasn't a horrible administrative mistake!











Ohhhhh gawd I havn't even finished Chaucer, don't own Paradise Lost, havn't touched Shakespear in three quarters of a year, and havn't finished a book (ANY book) from cover to cover since...I don't remember when!






ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Procrastinating (again)

Derek: You alright?
Meredith: I have a feeling.
Derek: I get those.
Meredith: Yeah?
Derek: Yeah.
Meredith: And?
Derek: If you wait long enough it passes.
Meredith: You promise?
Derek: I promise.

I love Gray's Anatomy.

On that point though, I've been getting 'feelings' lately. Poor shaun and shane can attest to that :p I think it's the realisation that:

1. I've got just over a month till I leave, and I havn't quite recognised the reality of that.

2. 2 weeks till the end of gp@tj. Mixed feelings about that...relieved that I survived, but sad about leaving. I learned helluva lot.

3. I'm STILL boy-less.

Depressing stuff, really.

But life rockz. Honest to goodness it does.

I want a letter from caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

Bums, the lot of you.

At 10.30 am today, (bear in mind, please, that 10.30 is MORE than past half-morningness) I called EIGHT people, all (except one, who's phone, annoyingly enough, is always on silent in the mornings and therefore claims inculpability for his non-response) of whom brusquely and gruffly turned down a lunch date with yours truly, because they loved their BED more.

*sulk.

Edit: I lurrrrrrrrrrrve toot and she loves me toooooooooooooooooooo. Yay. I'm gonna go change now. Bwaha.

Here we go.

"Men can never get pregnant like women."






























You don't say.

Reality

With a dozen roses.

Relativity

The most romantic thing anyone could do for me right now, is to buy a box of tissue and put it on my desk.

Hungover

No I havn't been drinking, but this is probably how it feels like. My brain feels like cotton wool, I've got a throbbing pain under my right eye, everything's a little hazy and all I want to do is put my head back down and sleep.

Which I can't, because previously-mentioned-bald-notbadatflirting colleague will throw a cushion at me. Again.

And no Shane, there's nothing I'm smoking you could possibly have.

Miffed at a class which bargains for a week's extension of a deadline and then ignores it.

I love National Day, for more than the normal patriotic (I am, ok) reasons this time round. Half day tomorrow, public holiday on wednesday, and bliss! School holiday on Thursday. (Hehe. Yes Shaun you may be almost midweek, but there's no way you can beat a 2seperatedby3holidaysworkingdayweek.)

Gahhhh my head hurts. Sleeping at 3am was probably not very intelligent. And asmuchas I think I wouldnt have been able to sleep earlier, I probably would've, if I had lied down. But I guess everyone needs some brooding time. Now that I've discovered the reason for the brooding (and anxietyattacks) things have taken a (psychological) upturn.

There are too many parenthesis(es? parentheses?) in this entry.

OH but I did ONE productive thing during the weekend. I catalogued ALL the books I owned, and checked if I had read all of them. I had, and also discovered that a lot of books I have read I didn't own. And most of my book-reading happened in KC, less due to the literary culture there than to the fact that I just couldn't do any more significant reading after. For FOUR YEARS. And here I am, off to do an English degree in Cam. And I havn't read anything particularly impressive since I was SIXTEEN. This would normally be the point in the entry where I vow to go home and finish the Wife of Bath, or start on Paradise Lost (which I was supposed to buy but didn't), but my realism (yes, it does show up now and then) tells me with the kind of consciousness I'm currently in possession off, read:barelyinpossession, that would hardly be possible, let alone plausible.

And as such, there are a few things left to say, before I go back to doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Toot: Next month, that fish place, ok?
Vid: You ARE decent you little idiot. MORE than decent. If you aren't decent where does that leave ME?
Shane: 3 days. Starbucks.
Shaun: I've got 2 days of work this week lalalaalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Jinx: let's go out. soon. with libbo.
sy: tomorrowwwwwwwwww. and i love you too.
Veera: After much consideration, I've come to the candid conclusion (oooh alliteration) that it is NOT my fault. *scowl.
Irwin: there you go. mentioned by name.
Marko: Cookieeeeeeeeeeee.
Aaron: I demand to know why I'm not in your will. I put up with you for FOUR YEARS, and I'm not in your will. I am HURT. DISTRAUGHT. DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. DESTROYED. SHATTERED. ETC. And thus you're treating come Tuesday.
Ajyt: Bahhh floorball. Scowl. You get to treat me too then.

Umm. I don't think anyone else reads this blog. Which is quite sad. But there we go. C'est la vie. Nowww to marking.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning

Sometimes the treacherous heart is yours. When you're idling, just sitting, waiting. And then a sudden rush of fear, out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason. Paranoia, I told the kids, is an unreasonable fear. But unreasonable is not the same as having no reason. Not exactly. Having no reason doesn't mean having no basis. There is a basis...a possible reason for the fear. But it's all what if. "I ask myself what if, consider the consequences, decide whether they're worth it, then never look back." So I say.

And in the train, an overpowering sense of alone-ness. A capsule I'm in the middle of. A bubble. Ignored, ignoring. Watching, watched. Unnecessary. Irrelevant. Just another curiosity.

Sitting in a darkened room, watching 3 girls bring to life what's in their minds, I wonder why I gave it up. Without more than a second thought. Without a fight. Like I did dance. And ballet. Even music, to a point. More of my regrets are not of giving things up, but of never even fighting for them.

Yet what point, this fighting. The reason for giving up sounds reasonable. Sensible. Pragmatic. The Best Thing At This Point. A solution. "I'm only sensible cuz I'm scared." Of making the Wrong Decision. Of being maverick. Of being a disappointment, even.

That hasn't stopped it, though, has it? Wrong Decisions are still made. Accusations of rebellion still thrown. And many times, I know, a disappointment.

But what point this, fighting.

"Why wait for true love," you say. "Nobody else waits. Why lose out?" And again, "Why think about all that? Why don't you just do what you feel like, and let people say what they want to?" This, when I tell you there are people I could fall truly madly deeply crazily in love with, only, I won't. Because. And I answer, I don't know. And you say, "You're gonna end up an old maid", and I laugh, but I fear too. Because I want, no, need, to love.

So 'Bright Lights' plays. And I remember 3 bands. One, the first time I ever played it. Heard and practiced two hours before the gig. Two, an ad lib thing, on a friend's stage. Three, with a band I can't imagine living without. Except that this month I will. So that next month, at least once, I'll be living within.

Ever noticed how, when you're in a certain kind of mood, everything is touched with a certain tinge of something? How there's this poignancy in words, rawness in songs, stillness in objects, reticence in self.


Baby baby baby
when all your love is gone
who will save me
from all i'm up against in this world

ben and jerrys

or lime sorbet. or vanilla ice cream or cheesecake. maybe a blueberry muffin. i might settle for banana though. cookies? COOKIE DOUGH. brownies. or cupcakes!

soya bean?




chin chow?




it's no fun when nobody's entertaining your cravings. *sulk.

Of hellos, goodbyes and seeyousoons

There've been more than I can count this year, and more to come. New places, new faces, new phases. It's funny how every hello is corollory with a goodbye, even if you don't know it yet. Every new friend marking a shift in the arrangement of the existing circle of friends, so that some are pushed back, some forward, and some just slightly to the side. All of us jostling (some less subtly than others "i want lunch.") for time and attention and love. The teasing that holds a faint hint of sullen accusation "yeah yeah, you're either at a practice or at a gig", and the accusations outright "you always say soon". And the realisation that, damn, it's august.

So here's how the rest of the month reads. This week I give back essays. Next week I give back compres. The week after that I give back another batch of essays, and the week after that their last batch of compres for the term. In between I meet the best friend (tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow!), alice and totsy, vid and the boys, aaron and ps, hopefully mp10, go for kids' carn, go for 2 freshers' parties, go for confluence 2006, go for class95's movies at the padang, go to zazu's sister's wedding, write a play AND finish all the chaucer I can.

Weeks whiz by.

And I've mastered the art of procrastinating with minimum guilt.

Which is baaaaaaad.

This month I WILL read "The Confessions of Max Tivoli". Because I've fallen in love with the first line: "We are each the love of someone's life."

Isn't that amazing. Think about it. That statement doesn't pre-require ANYTHING. It doesn't require us to love that someone back, or even to know who the someone is. It doesn't even require that someone to know it. It just says what it means. We are each the love of someone's life. Each of us. The love of a life. Yours, maybe, or mine. We may never find out who's. But it doesn't matter, because we are, regardless. It's a beautiful thing to hear.

you're the love of someone's life

I feel like jell-o.

Eek.


*sob.

Random stranger: "Hey, you look familiar. Do I know you?"

Me: "Um, no, I don't think so."

Random stranger: "Oh. Oh well. I knew I was having a bad day."


'Twas mildly amusing, and alright, I admit, a tad flattering too. Haha so cassanovas don't ALL ignore me. (And here I put in the long-bugged-for mention of a particular currently bald colleague who's not bad at flirting himself. Heh.)

I'm having one of those days where you don't feel like doing anything at all, which is bad cuz I promised one of my classes they'll get their essays back tomorrow. And I'm supposed to fax Cambridge the accomodation form they say they havn't recieved (!). AND figure out a couple of songs for Friday. And actually get myself round to moving past the Wife of Bath. And finish setting the vocab quiz for the kids.

See it's so bad even looking at that list doesn't work.

The tinkling opening lines of O Praise Him are playing on my wmp. The amoeba lite band (har har) is missing a 4th musician, sigh. Bass drums and keys are fine, but there are some things we just can't do. SB why can't you join us online and in real time why why whyyy. Stomp! *grinz.

Toot you have no idea how much I miss you. Haha.

She listens like spring and she talks like june

And the beat goes on

Just two more pictures, I promise.

Rockstar/crooner/stealerofjcgirls'hearts Rahmat

The Vice-Presidents. We get cuter every year I tell ye.

It's almost August. July just flew by. Got dmy visa done today, and it'll be ready for collection by Thurs. I PASSED MY DRIVING!!! With a mere 12 points. *grinz. Got the bags I'll be bringing with me. Beginning to seriously look for a bargain for a MacBook. Getting nervous and slightly peeved with myself for not settling down and really reading the Chaucer books I've got in my cupboard. And being antsy about not having my reading list/any other sort of news from Cam yet.

Reading blogs of kids who've already left or whose departures are more impending than mine, I wonder how it's really gonna be like.

Nothing earth shattering to say today. Other than I wish they'd stop fighting. They encompassing everybody. If we can't bring ourselves to love, can't we at least bring ourselves to let live?

unmasked.untarnished.

You Are Rowlf the Dog

Mellow and serious, you enjoy time alone cultivating your talents. You're a cool dog, and you always present a relaxed vibe. A talented pianist, you can play almost anything - especially songs by Beethoven. "My bark is worse than my bite, and my piano playing beats 'em both."

The Muppet Personality Test

Haha. Accurate-ish.

Thank you all for coming for council day, those who came for council day. I had a blast :)

And I like my costume:

That's me in the costume shop (Masquerade, on Bali Lane), with a bit of Tuan in a pirate costume. Oh what the heck. I'll give the guy a break:

Although he didn't come on the day itself. Now for the day itself:

Before the event...the reception girls. Wan Ni, child of Chucky (without the dagger) masquerading as a TASC 15 year old, Jing the wannabe Indian dancer, Ai Ling the Jap school girl, Hafi the gypsy and me the princess :p

The emcees. Yazid has pink FRILLS.

The Princess, The Gentleman and The Gypsy

The 27th, Hosts of Unmasked, the Masquerade. Scary Vampire lady is Zub (she kept appearing in people's photos). 60s chick is Han Nee.

Demo-ing the catwalk

The 30th's mass dance showcase. Brilliantly done.


mp10's surprise. Thanks guys, you gave the night extra magic :)

And it ended on a high. Sing along with Rahmat (No, that's still Yazid, pretending to be useful. Rahmat's on the other side of the cameraman).

And the reason is you.

Here's to the nights we felt alive

It was amazing. I reached there early, at 6, and walked into the playden, and it was AMAZING. It's kind of like a black box, but bigger - David Marshall's old rooms converted into a theatre which seats 145. The seats are in a U, so that the performers on stage, or rather, the floor, are surrounded on three sides. And the acoustics in there are brilliant.

Then the main show walked in. Three of the most friendly, gregarious and supportive-for-someone-who's-never-done-this-before-and-beginning-to-wonder-what-she-had-gotten-herself-into people I've ever met. They explained what it was they normally do, demonstrated, off the cuff, what the items were like, let me try some improv stuff with them, told me I'll be fine, and then it was time for the show to start.

About 50ish people, including my dad, toot (i lurrrve you), her friend and shane (blueberry muffin! and yes, sushi). Mostly expats, followers of the local and international improv scene, but quite a few locals and obvious first-timers as well. A little shy in the beginning, but nothing a little warm-up couldn't solve. I started off pretty tense, not quite sure when to do what and how, (and royally screwed up riverdance and the pirates. but to my defence...RIVERDANCE?! think i've gotta start listening to more styles. *grinz.) but, nevertheless, laughing my head off. Had the most fun playing for the musical segment, though again I think I need to work on range of styles. Oooh perfect excuse for getting random CDs whoopeeee~

The above doesn't do it justice. Twas amazing, I was amazed, and I can't wait to do it again. :)

On a more sober note...I miss mp10. Meeting sy today (let's go costume shopping babe), but missing the mp10 outing on saturday. And they'd all be there. *sulk. Eunice you're not helping either: "don't worry babe, lots of pressure :)". Sigh. I'll be around the area though, I'll drop by if I can.

There's not much time left, is there? And many promises to be kept. Though my mind keeps going, "it's only eight weeks! How bad could eight weeks be? And you WANT to be there!" And, in all honesty, I do. It's a dream come true, and though the real excitement hasn't set in yet (don't worry, I'll warn you when it does), there's this thrill of happiness every time I think about it.

I think I'm not naturally someone who forms close bonds, as sad as that may sound. I mean, I can get close to a person. And be close to a person. And miss him/her like hell when they're not around. But I don't collapse when it happens. I have moments of "what am I gonna do without her/him", but it's not dread. It doesn't mean I love any of you less though. The non-feeling scares me sometimes, but I guess it's something I'll have to get used to. Intellectually and gut-feelingly I know it's going to be tough as hell. But emotionally? No warning yet. Wonder if that's normal. Heh.

As for the title of this post. I felt alive last night. And I guess the more I feel that, the harder it'll be to move on. There's much wisdom in those lyrics. If you don't feel life you'll never feel death, although death is hardly what I'm moving on to. It's a brand new stage, and I can't wait...but like an old friend said, things won't be the same any more.

Here's to the times we knew we'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon

And smack in the middle of a rather bad week...

Me (reading off quiz paper): One of the largest asteroids brushed past Earth on 3rd July. Though many of them have gone past in the last few years, this has been one of the largest and it has also been classified as a...?

Boy, half-serious: Very Big Rock?


Sigh. I love the kids.

This time

This time last year, I had just recieved my jct results. They were alright. Not bad, but not fantastic either.

This time last year, I spent more time with mp10 then I did with family. Not because they just happened to be there, but because they were there. More comfort and support to me than they'd every guess.

This time last year, I was struggling to start on my personal statement for the UCAS application. And fretting about whether I should apply for Cambridge or not.

This time last year, music had faded into a painful, throbbing memory of 'I wish I could'.

This time last year, I told myself I don't want to do anything but teach.

This time last year, I couldn't imagine life without the people I was with. Or life after the As. Or drawing my own salary and spending my own money.

Now, I've just finished marking jct papers. And am writing reports. And am comforting distressed year ones (and twos, who probably have more to be distressed about).

Now, I spend most of my week with family. And it feels good. mp10 has, as all groups of friends do, dispersed; some into relative oblivion (or tekong), some into relative reclusiveness, and some only for a couple of weeks at a time, before demanding they see you again (hello sy =)).

Now, I'm trying to find a date for my visa application. And am coming up with a to bring list. And fretting about whether I'll be able to get a ticket through the ballot. And just remembered I may not have posted my accomodation application, eek.

Now, I'm in a band that's family. Am missing a band that's also family, albeit younger (you are, you know.) And have a gig, and potentially more, tomorrow.

Now, I still want to teach. But I want to act too. And dance. And LEARN.

Now, I still can't imagine life without the people I'm with. But I won't have to be imagining in about 10 weeks. Life after the As has been more than I could ask for. And I'm beginning to see the need to budget. Heh.

Time flies, doesn't it. I was talking to alice and totsy yesterday, trying to find a day to go out. And I said my July's packed, and so's the beginning of August. The end of August will be a flurry of marking and giving back papers. And then it's September. And they said yes. And then it's September. And in both windows there was a brief silence. And then: yeah. Yeah. then it's September. And once it's September, the days will fly by. And then that brief silence again.

And I'm torn between amusement at the sentimentality (from guys who claim rebel status/complete uniqueness), annoyance at the sentimentality (it's only 8 weeks!), and sentimentality itself.

I want to write music like Corrinne May.

Not being able to write what I hear makes me want to cry.

Oh and the lyrics help too.

This is not angst. This is...uh...I blame the waning of the moon.

if i kissed you

Have you ever wondered? I mean...we've all got crushes don't we? Ever wondered what would have happened if...yeah. Yeah.

Un-named friend: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me: Uh. What.

Un-named friend: Nothing. Seeing you online makes me happy. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!





Why. Me.

on my desk

there is...

a pretty deep deep blue chinese motif fabric purse acting as my pencil box. it was so pretty i couldn't resist.

there are...

way too many unmarked scripts, which i'm unfortunately proving very able to resist.

there is...

an empty marigold peel fresh apple & aloe vera juice carton, the remnants of my "councildaynextweekiwannawearaprettydress" diet lunch.

there are...

tiny crumbs of biscuit mixed with chocolate, the remnants of my "everybodyneedsabreakSOMETIME" not-so-diet thingabajing.

there is...

a red red rose given to me for valentine's day by my parents. my ONLY valentine's day present. how sad is that.

there are...

in my laptop at least, pictures of the kids, the band, the best friends, the non-kids (yes, mark and shane, ye who refuse to respond to kiddo) and the classmates. they make me happy :)

And, for the health education of the public, I hereby announce to you, in great concern, that according to one of the top 10 percentile of our nation's 17 year olds, the H5N1 virus CAN be transmitted by human-to-human contraception. See? The Church was right. Contraception kills.

No I did not suddenly become computer literate and upload this from my non-existent digital camera. I got it from mrbrown.

Two WHAT better?! I see it everyday at the chai chee bus stop. And it annoys the hell out of me. It's blatent innuendo which is so stark obvious it doesn't even COUNT as innuendo.

And then they wonder why our kids don't seem too innocent any more.

Comes with a health warning

Humour me.

I'm now going to see how many Abbey Road lyrics I can fit into a single, semi-intelligible paragrah:

Ohhhh darling, mean mr mustard should see polythene pam, in our little hideaway beneath the waves, because here comes bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...it's alright. Once there was a way to get back hoooome, but I'm out of college, money spent, see no future, pay no rent, all that money gone there's no place to goooo...come together!

Oh gawd.

Ribena with cranberry makes me insensibly high. Wonder if they sell any at 7-11...

for the rest of your lovely fluttery lacey little life.

My sister's prize insult of the day: "May you be blessed with no ability to do a math test for the rest of your lovely fluttery lacey little life."

You can tell the JCT blues have hit hard. Bwaha.


My blues...are floating at a comfortable distance for now.

Sushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

I'm gonna stop running. Now.

Because I refuse to let fear rule me. And I refuse to not live.

And I'll stop rationalising everything too.

Although that would be tough.

Cuz I'm rationalising this as I'm typing.

The backspace key is a terrible option. An erasure of honest thoughts.

And I'm a hypocrite, because I deleted my previous, very honest post.

But hey. I'm just starting. Cut me some slack here.

:)

Random

It's funny...

how, holding a bunch of colourful balloons on Orchard Road, you're suddenly the receipient of much attention, from kids and their smiling parents alike; once the balloons are all given out though, and all you have are the cards advertising the event, you're avoided like the plague by scowling parents pulling their children out of the way.

how just 22 minutes (we counted) with a bunch of my favouritest people can make your entire week. Adding to that the fact that they actually stopped my mum's car to convince her to let me go. Just for 22 minutes. And then walk me back. :)

how, within one afternoon, one's mood can swing from pensive to exhilarated, totally relaxed and at ease to tense and edgy.

how people who only have a shared experience in common still warm in the company of each other 3 years (gasp!) on.

how, when a 2 year dream is about to be actualised, it's not really excitement but a tinge of fear on anxiety one feels.

how at 12nn I decide that I realised I'm not really made for non-platonic relationships, and at 12.03pm I decide I take that back.

how someone I've known for years has become someone I don't know at all.

how the length of time you know a person doesn't affect in the slightest the amount of missing that will happen when the person's gone.

how I long for a deep relationship with one person, and yet never stick around long enough, emotionally, to let that happen.

how, when you ask me about this later, I'm gonna say I'm fine, really. And mean it.

Edit: Bf criteria has been cut down to 2. Emotionally stable and smarter than me. I need to look up to a guy in more ways than the one I have no choice with.

(Kick)

TEN FIRSTS:
First Best Friend: In Kindergarden? This boy. Bwaha.

First Nickname: Stinky :)

First Pet: AJ. This lovable mongrel, who died when he (and I) was 11 :(

First Piercing: First and only. Ears.

First Crush: Nick Carter. (Don't. I was only 10 :p)

First CD: The first BSB album. Bwaha. Again, I was TEN.

First Car: My parents drove me home from the hospital in a white toyota.

First Alcoholic Drink: White wine. On my 18th b'day. Heh.

First Kiss: Some things are best left unrecorded.

First Stuffed Animal: Jojo! This stuffed bear I gave my sister when she was born.

NINE LASTS:
Last Alchoholic Beverage: A marguerita at The Iguana in Clarke Quay. On my dad's b'day.

Last Car Ride: Back home from church.

Last Movie Seen: X-men 3!!!

Last Phone Call: Eugene. Late.

Last Song Played: Praise Him :)

Last Meal: Dosai for supper.

Last Time In Love: Ohhh about a week ago.

Last Time You Cried: Yesterday. X-men. Jean. Wolverine. Bah.


EIGHT "HAVE YOU EVERS":
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Nope.

Have you ever skinny dipped: Whassat.

Have you ever been on TV: Yeah.

Have you ever been drunk: Nope. Like I told (several people tonight), what IS the point of being so drunk you don't REMEMBER being high?

Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it: Yeah.

Have you ever been stoned: As in on drugs? No, duh.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING:
1) Favourite black skirt with pretty pink and white and green design
2) Peach blouse
3) Left pink earring
4) Right pink earring
5) Silver cross necklace
6) Erm. Underwear.
7) Does lip gloss count?

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY:
1) Checked my mail
2) Transcripted the Gloria (3 different versions)
3) Visited friend in hospital
4) Went for YMM practice
5) Played at Novena Mass
6) Blogged.

FIVE PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO:
1) God
2) Toot
3) Jordon, though he might fall asleep halfway :p
4) Uh. The confessor.
5) My parents? Most stuff, anyway.

FOUR FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER:
1) MUSIC! Playing the keyboards.
2) Loving and laughing. (Shane get your mind out of the gutter.)
3) Reading.
4) Just BEING.

THREE CHOICES:
1) Black or white: That's racist.

2) Hot or Cold: Cold in the day, hot at night.

3) Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) Fall in love, get married, and have 7 kids. Or become a nun. They're mutually exclusive, and I havn't quite decided. (Seriously.)
2) Teach the Faith.

ONE THING YOU REGRET:
Regretting anything at all.

Bah.

After a particularly frustrating day:

Me: I have shortened my boyfriend criteria.
1. Emotionally stable
2. Mentally stable
3. Spiritually stable
HOW HARD IS THAT, MAN?!

Shane: HAHAHAHAHHA
ummm....you realise that the only men who fit all that criteria are wearing robes and standing in front of altars?



Bahhhhh.


p.s. Just to make Ryan happy: I went cycling with Ryan to east coast yesterday, yay! See? I do talk about you in my blog :p

It's been a long time (since I left you)

Time's a funny thing. While you're in it it mulches along, squishily...but when it's over it just never seems to have taken very long. That's how the last two weeks felt, anyhow.

All those things I wanted to blog about don't seem so important anymore. Either that or I've lost the ability to convey feelings to words. (which is, you know, bad.) I need to write.

And, random TJ councillors lurking, Council Day is on the 15th of July, 6.30 - 10pm. Details are on the way.

I'm beginning to enjoy Chaucer. Took me long enough. But everytime I really sit down and read, I remember why I love Lit. Love. Not like. Looove.

I know. This is choppy.

the peril of a brilliant session

is that I can't get songs out of my head.

Take me there, Watermark

Take me there to the place where You are, take me there, take me there
I just wanna be where You are
Oh and hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, hide me here
I just wanna be where You are

You have buried my sin in the depths, oh Lord
And You've covered me from the furious storm
And You've kept me in the cleft of Your Rock
And You've loved me there right from the start

Take me there to the place where You are, take me there, take me there
I just wanna be where You are
Oh and hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, hide me here
I just wanna be where You are

You are here and I can feel You, I just love to be where You are
Hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, I just love to be where You are


Brilliant end to the week. And the hols are here. I am jobless.

I'm so sleepy. But I can't sleep. Think I'll go read.

Chaucer's slightly scary.


I've just wasted 2 hours doing absolutely nothing.



I've got no reason to feel the way I'm feeling now.

What more could I want?

A hand to hold


Encircled in arms


Breath on my ear


And eyes which say


I love you


I love you


I love you

Vocabulary Quiz

Two days ago I set a quiz for the kids. Based on about 70 words they were supposed to study over the last two weeks. Before giving it to them, I sent it to a couple of friends for feedback on how do-able it was. Here are some of (Shane's) answers:

1. The best way to do well in GP is to read ______________ (desiring or consuming great quantities, adj.)

Shane's Answer: Pornographic magazines.

3. Give an example of a paradox:

S.A: Singapore Elections

4. To plead urgently for aid or mercy:

S.A: Singapore Elections

7. An idiom meaning promising at the start but then disappointing:

S.A: Singapore Elections

8. If one is described as 'a man of few words', what is one word which can describe him?

S.A: retarded.

It goes on, in like fashion. Funny boy.

My kids were decidedly less amusing, but probably more accurate. Gonna miss those I won't teach next term.

Disclaimer: Shane's answers do NOT reflect the author's opinions (esp. wrt Elections.)

Today I will:

1. Finish ALL my marking

2. Get the venue for Council Day semi-almost-confirmed

3. Fill in the Visa application form

4. Send in the MOE letter

5. Start on the exercise plan (I will. Will lose 5kg by the end of the June Hols. WATCH ME.)

6. Clear up my cupboards (which are currently a mess and overflowing with clothes. I've got waaay too many college/KC t-shirts, but I can't bear to throw/give them away. Sigh.)

7. Get my study room re-organised

8. Brush Rascal

9. Get all my scores organised...I'm finding them in the strangest places

10. Get started on the first book of the reading list. The Bible. Whoop! *grinz.

If I go on coughing at this rate, I'm not gonna need to go to the gym to get abs.

My stomach muscles hurt.

Bummer.

How on earth did "I'll finish all my marking over the weekend" become "Where the hell did the weekend go"?

I loved it though. The weekend. Not hell. Don't think I'd like hell much.

Made the decision that determines my geographical location for the most of the next 3 years. Won't be here. And it's not euphoric. It's kinda scary too. But it's a chance of a lifetime, and I'm beyond grateful for it.

It's Fridaaaaaaaaaaay!

Whoop! The week is OVER baby. Ooooover. As is my flu/sorethroat/fever/wobblyknees thing. Yippeeeeeeeeee.

And I've only got 1 more class of essays to mark. 2 classes of compres, but the summaries are done so that's easy. Then the extra paragraphs I made them write (that's right, extra homework given = extra homework to mark. sigh.) Should be able to finish most of it today though.

As for the weekend? Here's the schedule.

Tomorrow morning, at the ungodly hour of 8am, we've gotta report to LT1 (or was it 2) for College Day. Which starts at 10am. Why EIGHT?! Sigh.

Then lunch with the girls.

Then see how things go till 4.

Then housewarming bbq at Aunty B's new house.

Then it'll be Sunday!

Go for Mass.

And then the band is coming over. *grinz. (although. exactly what do we plan on doing? heh.)

The weekend sounds good to me :) And hopefully next week will be even better, what with it being the last week of school for the term and all. I'll be back next term though, so I've effectively spent THREE YEARS AND THREE TERMS in tj. Bloody hell. I guess it kinda grows on you though. The kids do, anyway.

Orite. Should go and start marking before I meet the baby. She'll be rather miffed if I'm late.

As an afterthought, I'm able to listen to Jars of Clay without significant adverse reaction again. Well done, me :)

miserable.

I don't like being sick. Particularly when I fall sick the day I'm allowed to go out for dinner with amazingly lovable people. Bah. (Happy Birthday Lavi!)

Anyway, I think the cotton wool brain thing was just a symptom of the full blown knee-buckling arm not behaving tongue kinda not functioning thing that's going on now. And the only identifiable 'sickness' I have is a particularly annoying sore throat. Sigh.

Am beginning to be excited about happenings in late Sept early Oct. :)

Cotton wool brains

Mine, yes.

In the last 5 days alone, I have:

1. earned myself 5 blue-blacks within an HOUR, by walking into STATIONARY objects.

2. tried to go up 3 down-escalators. One after another.

3. Missed the city hall interchange stop, because I took too long to snap out of a daze and get out of the damn train.

4. Got off the bus two stops too early, on my way HOME.

5. Nearly been run down by a bike, because for some inane reason I stepped onto the road while the red man was, well, red.

Scary stuff.

On the way home today I had to focus on walking. Something's definitely wrong...

And at the end of a long, scarily-tiring day...

who was it that said "When God closes a door, He opens a window"?

I think God's windows are infinitely more beautiful than the doors we could have ever imagined we wanted.

Am blessed. And happy :)

Waiting is all you can do, sometimes

Although you know the situation's getting slightly out of hand when you're checking your inbox for relevant mail every...oh, 8 minutes?

Happy Monday, by the way.

a wrinkle in time

mrs whosit, mrs whatsit, and i don't remember who the last mrs is.

this is going to be a pretty morose post, just so you know.

it's pretty depressing, you see, hearing about people getting overseas scholarships and stuff. and while you're very grateful for those you have, you still wonder why you weren't even given a shot. and you wonder if it's all part of a Plan, and if you should just stop trying so hard, swallow what you've got with a smile (because really, it's pretty good) and forget about the dream.

and on a seperate note, it's really depressing to see God-fearing people lose their focus, get sidetracked by the high, the success, the glamour of an idea, and shift perspective so that God is no longer the central tenet and overarching focus and goal (not just theme - how can Yahweh be a theme.) to their plan.

and to see the potential of that happening to yourself.

Fr. Paul gave a brilliant homily today. Holy anger, he called it. Blessed, blessed anger. "The Da Vinci Code" isn't just a book. It's an attack on my Faith. And the next person who tells me "but it makes a good read what", is going to have to sit down and listen to me explain, patiently and clearly, why it's a bunch of lies...and if you would refuse to hear someone insult your mother without stopping him/her, why shouldn't I refuse to hear someone insult my Father and His Son without retaliation? In more pragmatic terms, if you have the right to insult my Faith, I have the right to defend it.

made a sojourn to Chinatown on thursday. had much to say then, but too tired to talk about it today. tomorrow, maybe. just so you know though, it's a pretty damn cool place. i could have spent the ENTIRE day there.

Leaning, eyes half-closed, mind adrift.
Your masculinity looms over me
as you, stranger, use the wall behind me as a pivot point,
inclining your head so our eyes meet.
And thus you step out, and forever away...

But we hold our gaze.

Chinatown, 11 May 2006

Deja Vu

Suddenly the quest for whatever grinds
to a halt, and wakes
the mind to its loss. The Indians,
burdened with their lives' possessions,
troop off into the dark, homeward,
to chappatis and chai, and I forget
why I have come so far.
A masterstroke of oversight has landed me
in the middle of nowhere, an interim
of lost connections, an unplanned pause
between journeys, the cold desert air
gripping the old bones of the mind.

As in a dream, one is flying from lifetimes away, the open space
dissolving all hints of direction,
driven by mixed impulses
to lose and to find, and doubts
suddenly stagger the heart, freeze
the dreamer in his tracks,
the infinite pause in the air,
as if the will to go on
is snapped like a twig
by a careless step, one wakes
to a suspension of time and space
in an indefinite postponement of purpose.

BoeyKimCheng, DejaVu.


maybe I don't want to go after all.

I make perfect sense!

Don't I?

I'm Henry the Eighth I am

lalala. I love sunday band practices. Love, not like. Love.

Me, after a particularly bad session of angst: I'm gonna marry a guitarist missionary and move to Africa. No, Egypt.

My Sister: Stay in Africa, it's easier to get there than Egypt.

Me: SIA has flights to Dubai.

My Sister: That's in India!

Right. Dubai's in India.

Bwahaha.

Yes, I know this is my 3rd post in 24 hours

But sometimes some things can't be unsaid. Even if only I understand what I'm talking about.

Like the paradox of loving waking up each day to gorgeous sunrises, and relishing being alive, but being so tired through it all.

Like wanting to be a channel for touching and changing the world, but realising I don't dare to reach out to people so much closer to home.

Like being so at home and comfortable with people I've known for barely over 3 months, but growing more distant and uncomfortable with people I've known for years.

Like loving a bunch of kids so much it hurts.

Like inexpressible joy which manifests itself most of the time in "mooooooooorning" messages.

Like pain unspeakable which manifests itself sometimes in "moooooooooorning" messages.

Like the way I often wonder what I really am. Cryptic? Open? Afraid? Embracing? Intelligent? Naiive? Sensitive? Un-savvy?

Like the way I know who I really am. But also the way I involuntarily but consciously hide it.

I don't want to be angsty. Angst isn't in any way logical. Or called for.

I'm just...thinking.

Very randomly, and just because I feel like it

An August Midnight

I
A shaded lamp and a waving blind,
And the beat of a clock from a distant floor:
On this scene enter - winged, horned, and spined -
A longlegs, a moth, and a dumbledore;
While 'mid my page there idly stands
A sleepy fly, that rubs its hands...

II
Thus meet we five, in this still place,
At this point of time, at this point in space
- My guests besmear my new-penned line,
Or bang at the lamp and fall supine.
'God's humblest, they!' I muse. Yet why?
They know Earth-secrets that know not I.

Thomas Hardy, Max Gate, 1899

That I could write like that. This is the first Hardy poem I really fell in love with. For about 4 months previous to that I had been struggling with really getting into it...but I had to analyse this during an exam, and that was it.

I love the way he sets a scene. You can actually see it happening...the whole play on time, and on the concept of a PLAY.

I think I'm beginning to fall for drama. Not just acting. Reading. Plays. Theatre.

Sigh, I've got enough issues already. :p

:)

I knew it. Wonder why the people who published that article didn't deem it necessary (or news-worthy, whichever their agenda) to publish this update.

Thursday pulled off pretty well. I'm very...the word is content, I think, today. Content.

Like a cat. Waving it's tail slightly, just being. Peace. Cream.

Ice Cream.

Chunky Monkey, whoop! *grinz.

Wednesday!

Midweek. Well, technically anyway. Un-technically it's only the second day of the week, and semi second-last day cuz Friday's a half day.

But still. MID-WEEK!!!

And about 93 essays and 98 compres to go, whoopee.

Band pract yesterday was pretty cool. I actually felt like I was jamming. Which is rare, in ymm *grinz. But I wuv you kids anyway. Yes, KIDS. My sources tell me you say I'm old. So KIDS you are :p (19 going on 20, by the way is NOT old. *scowl.)

This week is gonna be long. But is turning out fine, albeit expensive. Heh. $15 for a ticket to the zoo! And then almost $10 for the cab back to ang mo kio. And dinner tonight, although that's an expense I can live with :) Band tomorrow! Whoop. I forsee bad withdrawal symptoms in the near future, sigh. And YMM on Friday. Then cycling at ecp on Sat with the DTs (haha doesn't that seem so long ago?) followed by a CAR WASH at olps, then, if I can rush down in time, Shane's gig. And Sunday? Band in the afternoon again.

I love how my weeks revolve around making music.

I don't love so much though how my weeks seem to end before they actually begin (though I can't seem to wait for the weekend) without me doing the extra things I want to, like sign up for those darn salsa lessons, and reading the new Scott Hahn book my dad got me, and going down to the Esplanade to catch a lunchtime concert, and going blading every week so I finally learn how to STOP, and going to check out the gym in the new SIA club...ok THAT i'm gonna do tomorrow afternoon.

And I vaguely remember borrowing this book on quantum mechanics. I think it's overdue. Long overdue. Whoops.

Like a ballerina in a breakdancer's crowd.

scowl.

The one day I don't go for band practice, the rascals up and go to Siglap Cartel, and GUESS WHO THEY BUMP INTO?!





















Taufik.


GUESS WHERE I WAS?!





Next door, having supper with aaron and ps, in coffee club.


Bah.


Don't let me catch you saying God doesn't have a sense of humour. He's pulled several on me this week. Growl.

Today I...

1. Didn't go to work

2. Went for an interview which was pretty important to me (hence 1.).

3. Finished a whole bar of Cadbury's after said interview

4. Went for driving and didn't screw up by stalling/mounting random kerb/killing someone. Which warranted a "wah, your driving has improved ah" from instructor. Heh. (Not that I've killed anyone before. Not even almost. Nope. Not at all. Lalalala.)

5. Decided on course of action for tomorrow. This is gonna hurt.

6. Attempted (and failed) for the gazillionth time to start on a scholarship essay which is due on Sunday. I am SCREWED.

7. Did 100 situps and 50 jumping jacks. 200 skips and 30 push ups. Am. In. Pain.

8. Gave up trying for the gazzilion and one-th time to start on that scholarship essay. Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

9. Looked at diary of events for next two weeks and acknowledged defeat. I need to cut down on my 'things to do' list.

10. Realised the desk I cleared 3 days ago is a mess again. I give up.

What are the chances?

"Vatican 'may relax condom rules'"

I doubt it. And I hope not. But I really doubt it. The Church's unlikely to give in to a culture of permissiveness and selfishness at this (or any) point.

Before I get lambasted for my medievial, conservative and probably 'narrow-minded' views, I have to state: I just don't get what's so hard about abstinence. I don't. Maybe it is, but I can't understand why.

Alright, that's probably because I've never been in a situation where I've wanted to jump someone to the point where not to do so would be denying my human-ness and vice versa, but still.

As for AIDS-sufferers...call me incapable of empathy and understanding, but isn't having sex, even with a condom, with someone not infected (or infected) the epitome of selfishness? Pleasure at the risk of another's suffering and death - even if the person knows what he/she's getting into. Besides, if someone can still get pregnant (accidentally of course) while her partner's using a condom, isn't the risk of HIV getting through so much more? A condom's not impenatratable. (*cringe. That was definitely for lack of a better word.)

Giving out condoms to teen boys isn't gonna solve any problem I can think of either. Including and especially 'unwanted pregnancies'. It just increases the risk. Kids aren't gonna think, oh, here's a condom, I need to be careful cuz I might get/make her pregnant. Noooo. It's probably more along the lines of oh yay here's a condom it's SAFE! Let's have more sex.

Puhleease.

Besides, we aren't animals with uncontrollable instincts, as much as some scientists may like us to believe (ever wondered who their research was being sponsored by?) We're thinking beings, thinking being the operative word. I'm sure even the most uneducated society has figured out by now that if you have sex, chances are, you're gonna have babies.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's really the most 'educated' societies which have somewhat forgotten that. Sex doesn't quite equal babies anymore in most parts of the developed world, does it?

Aside from all that...I find the title of that article vaguely amusing. Like the Vatican has a rule book on condoms. Bwahaha. The closest we've got darls, is this book by Pope John Paul II called "The Theology of the Body". Which is a pretty good read I heard...should get down to reading it some time. But a rule book on condoms? Nahhhhhhh.

Tagged by Gai

A song by a Beatle / The Beatles:
Blackbird

A song featuring piano as the main instrument:
As Long As You Love Me (BSB)

A song with a woman's name in the title:
Mona Lisa

A song with a man's name in the title:
Henry the Eighth (bwahaha)

A song about money:
Money Money Money

A song with some form of weather in the title:
The Weatherman

A song with parentheses in the title (parentheses means brackets lah..):
You Never Give Me Your Money (She Came in through the Bathroom Window) I think...

A song made by a punk band:
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (They ARE a punk band, aren't they?)

A song with the word 'song' in the title:
The Thong Song by Sisco (why do I remember this)

A song that you love so much you stop and listen whenever you hear it:
Runaway, by the Corrs.

Breathe

I love these little islets of space and peace. When you can just relax, laugh, and not think about anything but the moment.

I also now realise why american kids take long loooong drives. If there were long looong highways in Singapore, I would too. There's such power and contentment sitting in the driver's seat. And control and confidence. I suppose I could always drive across the causeway (and get stuck in one of those infamous jams.)

The epiphany of the day? This quote I found on my friend's video-blog:

"There's only us

There's only this

Forget regret, or life

is yours to miss."

From "rent". Well put.

Now to sleep.

Apt.

It's been raining every afternoon for as long as I can remember (thus effectively throwing my cycle/run/swim every day plan out of the window) and I've been trying to think of the word which succinctly describes the smell which wafts up from the road (other than tar) after the rain. Yesterday, my subscription to Word of the Day finally paid off. Petrichor: A pleasant, distinctive smell of rain falling on dry ground.

Yay :)

Back to marking. Whoop.

Drumroll

Introducing the Lenten Vigil worship team. Well, most of them anyway. From the left, that's shaun the bassist, leon the drummer, shelley the trumpeter, lavi the guitarist, me the keyboardist, ryan the guitarist, tammy and mel the worship leaders. They kept me alive last month, and probably will for the next couple of months too. Angels right beside me :)







I'm tired though. Physically and mentally. And not sure if I'm doing the right thing (yes I know what you think aaron). But things can't be smooth all the time I guess, and I knew by doing what I did I was taking a risk. Am I willing to take another risk though, one that involves more than just me. And could I live with myself if I don't.

I want to learn to BLADE. And lose weight. I've lost 5k since the start of the year, according to my weighing machine, but I sure don't look it. If anything I look like I GAINED 5k. Which is more than vaguely depressing. Swim. I need to get back to swimming. And DANCE. Sy love I'm so sorry, but it just doesn't seem to be happening, does it. I'm gonna call YMCA on monday and ask them about their dance classes.

I feel like I'm on one of those travellators that we have in the airport. Even if I stand still I'm being moved forward, and to stay in the same place I have to walk backwards, to move back I have to run. It's tiring, and faintly frustrating. I know I've said this before...I just want to be. For one day. Just be. Stop. Consolidate. Enjoy the moment. Love. Laugh. Hope. Rest. Not always pushed forward, told to keep moving, worried at, rushed. Be. Alone. Or with whoever I want. Free.

Still, I know I'm blessed. And I can't forget to be thankful for everything I have, and don't have. It's Easter tomorrow, a time of joy and celebration. A new start, for everyone. Resurrection and Life. And as much as I'm tired, I'm excited too. The countless opportunities, possibilities, loves, lives, truths. It's like being in a band. As good as it feels sitting there and letting the music wash over you, it's infinitely more exciting, more enriching, more empowering, to be the one creating the music. Soothing others, touching others, loving others.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury your pardon lord
Where there is doubt true faith in you
Where there is despair let me bring hope
Where there is darkness let me bring your light
And where there's sadness everlasting joy

O Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul
For it is in giving to all men that we recieve
In pardoning that we are pardoned
And in dying that we're born to eternal life

Prayer of St. Francis

Is this where evolution has gotten us?

Upon clicking 'post' to post a comment on a friend's livejournal blog:

Please prove that you are a human below.

*choke. splutter.

So I scroll down a fill in required box.

Incorrect response to spam robot challenge.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly introduce: Valerie Nunis, the spam robot.

SIGH.

(yes. my sense of humour has returned in full force. i forsee needing it constantly for the next couple of weeks.)

how now? if at all.

how do i say thy will be done, but still fight for what i want. how do i know if it's your will or mine.

ask and you shall recieve. that merges the two doesn't it. to ask i've got to decide what i want. saying i'll take whatever life throws at me...kinda feels like a cop-out then.

yet you have a plan nothing can thwart, for each of us.

have faith.

10 hours, a band and a Man on a Cross

Well, that's it folks, the culmination of 5 weeks of brilliant music, silly asides, a crash course in playing the bass, aftermidnight goofiness, more Macs than we should have, blown eardrums, pounding bass in the head for 3 hours after practice, declarations of beautiful sunrises, and an overdose of pure, simple joy. For 10 hours last night we played, sang and loved our hearts out...yet were reminded always by the Crucifix which hung above us that it'll never be enough to deserve His love. That, like Mel said, we can never take for granted what we had and have. That it's by God's grace that we had a perfect band, an awesome choir, a moved congregation and wonderful speakers. And that this Lenten Vigil has given me the confidence, support and assurance to go on.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Things are looking good :) (Other than hellish Thursdays, but that's pretty normal.) Can't wait for Lenten Vigil, though I don't want the jam sessions to end. And Easter's just round the corner...major celebrations in order, methinks.

And as a mark of my utter contentedness of what's happened so far, here's my all-time favourite poem:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The Road Less Taken, Robert Frost

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord!

God sends angels when you least expect them. And in the most wonderful ways. It's like a father teaching his kid how to cycle. He lets the kid go, even if the kid thinks she's gonna fall, lets her learn to strive on ahead anyway, and when she really is going to fall, he knows, and catches her. So that no matter how alone she thought she was, she could never have been safer. Or more lovingly and carefully watched over.

Even the sparrow.

I hate fighting. Conflict, arguments. Cold war. But it'll blow over, and I'll forget about it till the next time, won't I.

God, sometimes I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself.

"How much do you love me?" I asked.
"This much," He said. Then He spread out His arms and died.

How do I do Your will?

the mind

is a strange thing. And currently I don't quite understand mine. It's all over the place, everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Tiny snippets of everything, but memories of nothing. A backlash perhaps from doing too much of too many. Where I used to be able to multi-task, and quite comfortably so, I'm now just distracted. So the solution is to mono-task desperately - and reluctantly.

There aren't enough hours in a day, or days in a week.

Went for a wedding in the morning. Came home, went into my room, lay flat on my back in the aircon, stared at the ceiling, and realised I'm really very contented single. At this point in my life, I can't think of anything better than to belong to God and God alone. (No, I don't think I'm going to become a nun.) Sure it's nice to have someone there and all - but it's just not a neccessity right now. Or a longing, even. Today, and perhaps tomorrow, I'm contented to just be.

Although it would be nice if just being entailed going for a long walk by the beach, or just chilling with friends. Since that's currently a stress-causing issue though, I'll just be in my study.

Update: You know it's just not your day when your parents succeed in pulling an April Fool's joke on you.

V.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

~From V for Vendetta

I want to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bah.

On hindsight, that looks like something Yazid might come up with.

Apologies

To all the teachers I have ever given a hard time to, incited anyone to give a hard time to, ignored, rolled my eyes at, were bored at, made fun of, cracked jokes at, talked in class of, didn't pay attention to and was less than cooperative with:


I am truly heartily terribly most genuinely sincerely painfully regretfully a gazillion times sorry.

I don't believe in karma, but that should start me off on a clean slate, shouldn't it? Arghhhhh. I love the kids, I really do, but today was argh-ifying.

Thank God tomorrow's Friday. And that there's LV practice tonight. *breeeeeeathhhhe.