Comes with a health warning

Humour me.

I'm now going to see how many Abbey Road lyrics I can fit into a single, semi-intelligible paragrah:

Ohhhh darling, mean mr mustard should see polythene pam, in our little hideaway beneath the waves, because here comes bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...it's alright. Once there was a way to get back hoooome, but I'm out of college, money spent, see no future, pay no rent, all that money gone there's no place to goooo...come together!

Oh gawd.

Ribena with cranberry makes me insensibly high. Wonder if they sell any at 7-11...

for the rest of your lovely fluttery lacey little life.

My sister's prize insult of the day: "May you be blessed with no ability to do a math test for the rest of your lovely fluttery lacey little life."

You can tell the JCT blues have hit hard. Bwaha.


My blues...are floating at a comfortable distance for now.

Sushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

I'm gonna stop running. Now.

Because I refuse to let fear rule me. And I refuse to not live.

And I'll stop rationalising everything too.

Although that would be tough.

Cuz I'm rationalising this as I'm typing.

The backspace key is a terrible option. An erasure of honest thoughts.

And I'm a hypocrite, because I deleted my previous, very honest post.

But hey. I'm just starting. Cut me some slack here.

:)

Random

It's funny...

how, holding a bunch of colourful balloons on Orchard Road, you're suddenly the receipient of much attention, from kids and their smiling parents alike; once the balloons are all given out though, and all you have are the cards advertising the event, you're avoided like the plague by scowling parents pulling their children out of the way.

how just 22 minutes (we counted) with a bunch of my favouritest people can make your entire week. Adding to that the fact that they actually stopped my mum's car to convince her to let me go. Just for 22 minutes. And then walk me back. :)

how, within one afternoon, one's mood can swing from pensive to exhilarated, totally relaxed and at ease to tense and edgy.

how people who only have a shared experience in common still warm in the company of each other 3 years (gasp!) on.

how, when a 2 year dream is about to be actualised, it's not really excitement but a tinge of fear on anxiety one feels.

how at 12nn I decide that I realised I'm not really made for non-platonic relationships, and at 12.03pm I decide I take that back.

how someone I've known for years has become someone I don't know at all.

how the length of time you know a person doesn't affect in the slightest the amount of missing that will happen when the person's gone.

how I long for a deep relationship with one person, and yet never stick around long enough, emotionally, to let that happen.

how, when you ask me about this later, I'm gonna say I'm fine, really. And mean it.

Edit: Bf criteria has been cut down to 2. Emotionally stable and smarter than me. I need to look up to a guy in more ways than the one I have no choice with.

(Kick)

TEN FIRSTS:
First Best Friend: In Kindergarden? This boy. Bwaha.

First Nickname: Stinky :)

First Pet: AJ. This lovable mongrel, who died when he (and I) was 11 :(

First Piercing: First and only. Ears.

First Crush: Nick Carter. (Don't. I was only 10 :p)

First CD: The first BSB album. Bwaha. Again, I was TEN.

First Car: My parents drove me home from the hospital in a white toyota.

First Alcoholic Drink: White wine. On my 18th b'day. Heh.

First Kiss: Some things are best left unrecorded.

First Stuffed Animal: Jojo! This stuffed bear I gave my sister when she was born.

NINE LASTS:
Last Alchoholic Beverage: A marguerita at The Iguana in Clarke Quay. On my dad's b'day.

Last Car Ride: Back home from church.

Last Movie Seen: X-men 3!!!

Last Phone Call: Eugene. Late.

Last Song Played: Praise Him :)

Last Meal: Dosai for supper.

Last Time In Love: Ohhh about a week ago.

Last Time You Cried: Yesterday. X-men. Jean. Wolverine. Bah.


EIGHT "HAVE YOU EVERS":
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Nope.

Have you ever skinny dipped: Whassat.

Have you ever been on TV: Yeah.

Have you ever been drunk: Nope. Like I told (several people tonight), what IS the point of being so drunk you don't REMEMBER being high?

Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it: Yeah.

Have you ever been stoned: As in on drugs? No, duh.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING:
1) Favourite black skirt with pretty pink and white and green design
2) Peach blouse
3) Left pink earring
4) Right pink earring
5) Silver cross necklace
6) Erm. Underwear.
7) Does lip gloss count?

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY:
1) Checked my mail
2) Transcripted the Gloria (3 different versions)
3) Visited friend in hospital
4) Went for YMM practice
5) Played at Novena Mass
6) Blogged.

FIVE PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO:
1) God
2) Toot
3) Jordon, though he might fall asleep halfway :p
4) Uh. The confessor.
5) My parents? Most stuff, anyway.

FOUR FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER:
1) MUSIC! Playing the keyboards.
2) Loving and laughing. (Shane get your mind out of the gutter.)
3) Reading.
4) Just BEING.

THREE CHOICES:
1) Black or white: That's racist.

2) Hot or Cold: Cold in the day, hot at night.

3) Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) Fall in love, get married, and have 7 kids. Or become a nun. They're mutually exclusive, and I havn't quite decided. (Seriously.)
2) Teach the Faith.

ONE THING YOU REGRET:
Regretting anything at all.

Bah.

After a particularly frustrating day:

Me: I have shortened my boyfriend criteria.
1. Emotionally stable
2. Mentally stable
3. Spiritually stable
HOW HARD IS THAT, MAN?!

Shane: HAHAHAHAHHA
ummm....you realise that the only men who fit all that criteria are wearing robes and standing in front of altars?



Bahhhhh.


p.s. Just to make Ryan happy: I went cycling with Ryan to east coast yesterday, yay! See? I do talk about you in my blog :p

It's been a long time (since I left you)

Time's a funny thing. While you're in it it mulches along, squishily...but when it's over it just never seems to have taken very long. That's how the last two weeks felt, anyhow.

All those things I wanted to blog about don't seem so important anymore. Either that or I've lost the ability to convey feelings to words. (which is, you know, bad.) I need to write.

And, random TJ councillors lurking, Council Day is on the 15th of July, 6.30 - 10pm. Details are on the way.

I'm beginning to enjoy Chaucer. Took me long enough. But everytime I really sit down and read, I remember why I love Lit. Love. Not like. Looove.

I know. This is choppy.

the peril of a brilliant session

is that I can't get songs out of my head.

Take me there, Watermark

Take me there to the place where You are, take me there, take me there
I just wanna be where You are
Oh and hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, hide me here
I just wanna be where You are

You have buried my sin in the depths, oh Lord
And You've covered me from the furious storm
And You've kept me in the cleft of Your Rock
And You've loved me there right from the start

Take me there to the place where You are, take me there, take me there
I just wanna be where You are
Oh and hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, hide me here
I just wanna be where You are

You are here and I can feel You, I just love to be where You are
Hide me in Your shelter, hide me here, I just love to be where You are


Brilliant end to the week. And the hols are here. I am jobless.

I'm so sleepy. But I can't sleep. Think I'll go read.

Chaucer's slightly scary.


I've just wasted 2 hours doing absolutely nothing.



I've got no reason to feel the way I'm feeling now.

What more could I want?

A hand to hold


Encircled in arms


Breath on my ear


And eyes which say


I love you


I love you


I love you

Vocabulary Quiz

Two days ago I set a quiz for the kids. Based on about 70 words they were supposed to study over the last two weeks. Before giving it to them, I sent it to a couple of friends for feedback on how do-able it was. Here are some of (Shane's) answers:

1. The best way to do well in GP is to read ______________ (desiring or consuming great quantities, adj.)

Shane's Answer: Pornographic magazines.

3. Give an example of a paradox:

S.A: Singapore Elections

4. To plead urgently for aid or mercy:

S.A: Singapore Elections

7. An idiom meaning promising at the start but then disappointing:

S.A: Singapore Elections

8. If one is described as 'a man of few words', what is one word which can describe him?

S.A: retarded.

It goes on, in like fashion. Funny boy.

My kids were decidedly less amusing, but probably more accurate. Gonna miss those I won't teach next term.

Disclaimer: Shane's answers do NOT reflect the author's opinions (esp. wrt Elections.)

Today I will:

1. Finish ALL my marking

2. Get the venue for Council Day semi-almost-confirmed

3. Fill in the Visa application form

4. Send in the MOE letter

5. Start on the exercise plan (I will. Will lose 5kg by the end of the June Hols. WATCH ME.)

6. Clear up my cupboards (which are currently a mess and overflowing with clothes. I've got waaay too many college/KC t-shirts, but I can't bear to throw/give them away. Sigh.)

7. Get my study room re-organised

8. Brush Rascal

9. Get all my scores organised...I'm finding them in the strangest places

10. Get started on the first book of the reading list. The Bible. Whoop! *grinz.

If I go on coughing at this rate, I'm not gonna need to go to the gym to get abs.

My stomach muscles hurt.

Bummer.

How on earth did "I'll finish all my marking over the weekend" become "Where the hell did the weekend go"?

I loved it though. The weekend. Not hell. Don't think I'd like hell much.

Made the decision that determines my geographical location for the most of the next 3 years. Won't be here. And it's not euphoric. It's kinda scary too. But it's a chance of a lifetime, and I'm beyond grateful for it.

It's Fridaaaaaaaaaaay!

Whoop! The week is OVER baby. Ooooover. As is my flu/sorethroat/fever/wobblyknees thing. Yippeeeeeeeeee.

And I've only got 1 more class of essays to mark. 2 classes of compres, but the summaries are done so that's easy. Then the extra paragraphs I made them write (that's right, extra homework given = extra homework to mark. sigh.) Should be able to finish most of it today though.

As for the weekend? Here's the schedule.

Tomorrow morning, at the ungodly hour of 8am, we've gotta report to LT1 (or was it 2) for College Day. Which starts at 10am. Why EIGHT?! Sigh.

Then lunch with the girls.

Then see how things go till 4.

Then housewarming bbq at Aunty B's new house.

Then it'll be Sunday!

Go for Mass.

And then the band is coming over. *grinz. (although. exactly what do we plan on doing? heh.)

The weekend sounds good to me :) And hopefully next week will be even better, what with it being the last week of school for the term and all. I'll be back next term though, so I've effectively spent THREE YEARS AND THREE TERMS in tj. Bloody hell. I guess it kinda grows on you though. The kids do, anyway.

Orite. Should go and start marking before I meet the baby. She'll be rather miffed if I'm late.

As an afterthought, I'm able to listen to Jars of Clay without significant adverse reaction again. Well done, me :)

miserable.

I don't like being sick. Particularly when I fall sick the day I'm allowed to go out for dinner with amazingly lovable people. Bah. (Happy Birthday Lavi!)

Anyway, I think the cotton wool brain thing was just a symptom of the full blown knee-buckling arm not behaving tongue kinda not functioning thing that's going on now. And the only identifiable 'sickness' I have is a particularly annoying sore throat. Sigh.

Am beginning to be excited about happenings in late Sept early Oct. :)

Cotton wool brains

Mine, yes.

In the last 5 days alone, I have:

1. earned myself 5 blue-blacks within an HOUR, by walking into STATIONARY objects.

2. tried to go up 3 down-escalators. One after another.

3. Missed the city hall interchange stop, because I took too long to snap out of a daze and get out of the damn train.

4. Got off the bus two stops too early, on my way HOME.

5. Nearly been run down by a bike, because for some inane reason I stepped onto the road while the red man was, well, red.

Scary stuff.

On the way home today I had to focus on walking. Something's definitely wrong...

And at the end of a long, scarily-tiring day...

who was it that said "When God closes a door, He opens a window"?

I think God's windows are infinitely more beautiful than the doors we could have ever imagined we wanted.

Am blessed. And happy :)

Waiting is all you can do, sometimes

Although you know the situation's getting slightly out of hand when you're checking your inbox for relevant mail every...oh, 8 minutes?

Happy Monday, by the way.

a wrinkle in time

mrs whosit, mrs whatsit, and i don't remember who the last mrs is.

this is going to be a pretty morose post, just so you know.

it's pretty depressing, you see, hearing about people getting overseas scholarships and stuff. and while you're very grateful for those you have, you still wonder why you weren't even given a shot. and you wonder if it's all part of a Plan, and if you should just stop trying so hard, swallow what you've got with a smile (because really, it's pretty good) and forget about the dream.

and on a seperate note, it's really depressing to see God-fearing people lose their focus, get sidetracked by the high, the success, the glamour of an idea, and shift perspective so that God is no longer the central tenet and overarching focus and goal (not just theme - how can Yahweh be a theme.) to their plan.

and to see the potential of that happening to yourself.

Fr. Paul gave a brilliant homily today. Holy anger, he called it. Blessed, blessed anger. "The Da Vinci Code" isn't just a book. It's an attack on my Faith. And the next person who tells me "but it makes a good read what", is going to have to sit down and listen to me explain, patiently and clearly, why it's a bunch of lies...and if you would refuse to hear someone insult your mother without stopping him/her, why shouldn't I refuse to hear someone insult my Father and His Son without retaliation? In more pragmatic terms, if you have the right to insult my Faith, I have the right to defend it.

made a sojourn to Chinatown on thursday. had much to say then, but too tired to talk about it today. tomorrow, maybe. just so you know though, it's a pretty damn cool place. i could have spent the ENTIRE day there.

Leaning, eyes half-closed, mind adrift.
Your masculinity looms over me
as you, stranger, use the wall behind me as a pivot point,
inclining your head so our eyes meet.
And thus you step out, and forever away...

But we hold our gaze.

Chinatown, 11 May 2006

Deja Vu

Suddenly the quest for whatever grinds
to a halt, and wakes
the mind to its loss. The Indians,
burdened with their lives' possessions,
troop off into the dark, homeward,
to chappatis and chai, and I forget
why I have come so far.
A masterstroke of oversight has landed me
in the middle of nowhere, an interim
of lost connections, an unplanned pause
between journeys, the cold desert air
gripping the old bones of the mind.

As in a dream, one is flying from lifetimes away, the open space
dissolving all hints of direction,
driven by mixed impulses
to lose and to find, and doubts
suddenly stagger the heart, freeze
the dreamer in his tracks,
the infinite pause in the air,
as if the will to go on
is snapped like a twig
by a careless step, one wakes
to a suspension of time and space
in an indefinite postponement of purpose.

BoeyKimCheng, DejaVu.


maybe I don't want to go after all.

I make perfect sense!

Don't I?

I'm Henry the Eighth I am

lalala. I love sunday band practices. Love, not like. Love.

Me, after a particularly bad session of angst: I'm gonna marry a guitarist missionary and move to Africa. No, Egypt.

My Sister: Stay in Africa, it's easier to get there than Egypt.

Me: SIA has flights to Dubai.

My Sister: That's in India!

Right. Dubai's in India.

Bwahaha.

Yes, I know this is my 3rd post in 24 hours

But sometimes some things can't be unsaid. Even if only I understand what I'm talking about.

Like the paradox of loving waking up each day to gorgeous sunrises, and relishing being alive, but being so tired through it all.

Like wanting to be a channel for touching and changing the world, but realising I don't dare to reach out to people so much closer to home.

Like being so at home and comfortable with people I've known for barely over 3 months, but growing more distant and uncomfortable with people I've known for years.

Like loving a bunch of kids so much it hurts.

Like inexpressible joy which manifests itself most of the time in "mooooooooorning" messages.

Like pain unspeakable which manifests itself sometimes in "moooooooooorning" messages.

Like the way I often wonder what I really am. Cryptic? Open? Afraid? Embracing? Intelligent? Naiive? Sensitive? Un-savvy?

Like the way I know who I really am. But also the way I involuntarily but consciously hide it.

I don't want to be angsty. Angst isn't in any way logical. Or called for.

I'm just...thinking.

Very randomly, and just because I feel like it

An August Midnight

I
A shaded lamp and a waving blind,
And the beat of a clock from a distant floor:
On this scene enter - winged, horned, and spined -
A longlegs, a moth, and a dumbledore;
While 'mid my page there idly stands
A sleepy fly, that rubs its hands...

II
Thus meet we five, in this still place,
At this point of time, at this point in space
- My guests besmear my new-penned line,
Or bang at the lamp and fall supine.
'God's humblest, they!' I muse. Yet why?
They know Earth-secrets that know not I.

Thomas Hardy, Max Gate, 1899

That I could write like that. This is the first Hardy poem I really fell in love with. For about 4 months previous to that I had been struggling with really getting into it...but I had to analyse this during an exam, and that was it.

I love the way he sets a scene. You can actually see it happening...the whole play on time, and on the concept of a PLAY.

I think I'm beginning to fall for drama. Not just acting. Reading. Plays. Theatre.

Sigh, I've got enough issues already. :p

:)

I knew it. Wonder why the people who published that article didn't deem it necessary (or news-worthy, whichever their agenda) to publish this update.

Thursday pulled off pretty well. I'm very...the word is content, I think, today. Content.

Like a cat. Waving it's tail slightly, just being. Peace. Cream.

Ice Cream.

Chunky Monkey, whoop! *grinz.

Wednesday!

Midweek. Well, technically anyway. Un-technically it's only the second day of the week, and semi second-last day cuz Friday's a half day.

But still. MID-WEEK!!!

And about 93 essays and 98 compres to go, whoopee.

Band pract yesterday was pretty cool. I actually felt like I was jamming. Which is rare, in ymm *grinz. But I wuv you kids anyway. Yes, KIDS. My sources tell me you say I'm old. So KIDS you are :p (19 going on 20, by the way is NOT old. *scowl.)

This week is gonna be long. But is turning out fine, albeit expensive. Heh. $15 for a ticket to the zoo! And then almost $10 for the cab back to ang mo kio. And dinner tonight, although that's an expense I can live with :) Band tomorrow! Whoop. I forsee bad withdrawal symptoms in the near future, sigh. And YMM on Friday. Then cycling at ecp on Sat with the DTs (haha doesn't that seem so long ago?) followed by a CAR WASH at olps, then, if I can rush down in time, Shane's gig. And Sunday? Band in the afternoon again.

I love how my weeks revolve around making music.

I don't love so much though how my weeks seem to end before they actually begin (though I can't seem to wait for the weekend) without me doing the extra things I want to, like sign up for those darn salsa lessons, and reading the new Scott Hahn book my dad got me, and going down to the Esplanade to catch a lunchtime concert, and going blading every week so I finally learn how to STOP, and going to check out the gym in the new SIA club...ok THAT i'm gonna do tomorrow afternoon.

And I vaguely remember borrowing this book on quantum mechanics. I think it's overdue. Long overdue. Whoops.

Like a ballerina in a breakdancer's crowd.

scowl.

The one day I don't go for band practice, the rascals up and go to Siglap Cartel, and GUESS WHO THEY BUMP INTO?!





















Taufik.


GUESS WHERE I WAS?!





Next door, having supper with aaron and ps, in coffee club.


Bah.


Don't let me catch you saying God doesn't have a sense of humour. He's pulled several on me this week. Growl.

Today I...

1. Didn't go to work

2. Went for an interview which was pretty important to me (hence 1.).

3. Finished a whole bar of Cadbury's after said interview

4. Went for driving and didn't screw up by stalling/mounting random kerb/killing someone. Which warranted a "wah, your driving has improved ah" from instructor. Heh. (Not that I've killed anyone before. Not even almost. Nope. Not at all. Lalalala.)

5. Decided on course of action for tomorrow. This is gonna hurt.

6. Attempted (and failed) for the gazillionth time to start on a scholarship essay which is due on Sunday. I am SCREWED.

7. Did 100 situps and 50 jumping jacks. 200 skips and 30 push ups. Am. In. Pain.

8. Gave up trying for the gazzilion and one-th time to start on that scholarship essay. Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

9. Looked at diary of events for next two weeks and acknowledged defeat. I need to cut down on my 'things to do' list.

10. Realised the desk I cleared 3 days ago is a mess again. I give up.

What are the chances?

"Vatican 'may relax condom rules'"

I doubt it. And I hope not. But I really doubt it. The Church's unlikely to give in to a culture of permissiveness and selfishness at this (or any) point.

Before I get lambasted for my medievial, conservative and probably 'narrow-minded' views, I have to state: I just don't get what's so hard about abstinence. I don't. Maybe it is, but I can't understand why.

Alright, that's probably because I've never been in a situation where I've wanted to jump someone to the point where not to do so would be denying my human-ness and vice versa, but still.

As for AIDS-sufferers...call me incapable of empathy and understanding, but isn't having sex, even with a condom, with someone not infected (or infected) the epitome of selfishness? Pleasure at the risk of another's suffering and death - even if the person knows what he/she's getting into. Besides, if someone can still get pregnant (accidentally of course) while her partner's using a condom, isn't the risk of HIV getting through so much more? A condom's not impenatratable. (*cringe. That was definitely for lack of a better word.)

Giving out condoms to teen boys isn't gonna solve any problem I can think of either. Including and especially 'unwanted pregnancies'. It just increases the risk. Kids aren't gonna think, oh, here's a condom, I need to be careful cuz I might get/make her pregnant. Noooo. It's probably more along the lines of oh yay here's a condom it's SAFE! Let's have more sex.

Puhleease.

Besides, we aren't animals with uncontrollable instincts, as much as some scientists may like us to believe (ever wondered who their research was being sponsored by?) We're thinking beings, thinking being the operative word. I'm sure even the most uneducated society has figured out by now that if you have sex, chances are, you're gonna have babies.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's really the most 'educated' societies which have somewhat forgotten that. Sex doesn't quite equal babies anymore in most parts of the developed world, does it?

Aside from all that...I find the title of that article vaguely amusing. Like the Vatican has a rule book on condoms. Bwahaha. The closest we've got darls, is this book by Pope John Paul II called "The Theology of the Body". Which is a pretty good read I heard...should get down to reading it some time. But a rule book on condoms? Nahhhhhhh.

Tagged by Gai

A song by a Beatle / The Beatles:
Blackbird

A song featuring piano as the main instrument:
As Long As You Love Me (BSB)

A song with a woman's name in the title:
Mona Lisa

A song with a man's name in the title:
Henry the Eighth (bwahaha)

A song about money:
Money Money Money

A song with some form of weather in the title:
The Weatherman

A song with parentheses in the title (parentheses means brackets lah..):
You Never Give Me Your Money (She Came in through the Bathroom Window) I think...

A song made by a punk band:
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (They ARE a punk band, aren't they?)

A song with the word 'song' in the title:
The Thong Song by Sisco (why do I remember this)

A song that you love so much you stop and listen whenever you hear it:
Runaway, by the Corrs.

Breathe

I love these little islets of space and peace. When you can just relax, laugh, and not think about anything but the moment.

I also now realise why american kids take long loooong drives. If there were long looong highways in Singapore, I would too. There's such power and contentment sitting in the driver's seat. And control and confidence. I suppose I could always drive across the causeway (and get stuck in one of those infamous jams.)

The epiphany of the day? This quote I found on my friend's video-blog:

"There's only us

There's only this

Forget regret, or life

is yours to miss."

From "rent". Well put.

Now to sleep.

Apt.

It's been raining every afternoon for as long as I can remember (thus effectively throwing my cycle/run/swim every day plan out of the window) and I've been trying to think of the word which succinctly describes the smell which wafts up from the road (other than tar) after the rain. Yesterday, my subscription to Word of the Day finally paid off. Petrichor: A pleasant, distinctive smell of rain falling on dry ground.

Yay :)

Back to marking. Whoop.

Drumroll

Introducing the Lenten Vigil worship team. Well, most of them anyway. From the left, that's shaun the bassist, leon the drummer, shelley the trumpeter, lavi the guitarist, me the keyboardist, ryan the guitarist, tammy and mel the worship leaders. They kept me alive last month, and probably will for the next couple of months too. Angels right beside me :)







I'm tired though. Physically and mentally. And not sure if I'm doing the right thing (yes I know what you think aaron). But things can't be smooth all the time I guess, and I knew by doing what I did I was taking a risk. Am I willing to take another risk though, one that involves more than just me. And could I live with myself if I don't.

I want to learn to BLADE. And lose weight. I've lost 5k since the start of the year, according to my weighing machine, but I sure don't look it. If anything I look like I GAINED 5k. Which is more than vaguely depressing. Swim. I need to get back to swimming. And DANCE. Sy love I'm so sorry, but it just doesn't seem to be happening, does it. I'm gonna call YMCA on monday and ask them about their dance classes.

I feel like I'm on one of those travellators that we have in the airport. Even if I stand still I'm being moved forward, and to stay in the same place I have to walk backwards, to move back I have to run. It's tiring, and faintly frustrating. I know I've said this before...I just want to be. For one day. Just be. Stop. Consolidate. Enjoy the moment. Love. Laugh. Hope. Rest. Not always pushed forward, told to keep moving, worried at, rushed. Be. Alone. Or with whoever I want. Free.

Still, I know I'm blessed. And I can't forget to be thankful for everything I have, and don't have. It's Easter tomorrow, a time of joy and celebration. A new start, for everyone. Resurrection and Life. And as much as I'm tired, I'm excited too. The countless opportunities, possibilities, loves, lives, truths. It's like being in a band. As good as it feels sitting there and letting the music wash over you, it's infinitely more exciting, more enriching, more empowering, to be the one creating the music. Soothing others, touching others, loving others.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury your pardon lord
Where there is doubt true faith in you
Where there is despair let me bring hope
Where there is darkness let me bring your light
And where there's sadness everlasting joy

O Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul
For it is in giving to all men that we recieve
In pardoning that we are pardoned
And in dying that we're born to eternal life

Prayer of St. Francis

Is this where evolution has gotten us?

Upon clicking 'post' to post a comment on a friend's livejournal blog:

Please prove that you are a human below.

*choke. splutter.

So I scroll down a fill in required box.

Incorrect response to spam robot challenge.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly introduce: Valerie Nunis, the spam robot.

SIGH.

(yes. my sense of humour has returned in full force. i forsee needing it constantly for the next couple of weeks.)

how now? if at all.

how do i say thy will be done, but still fight for what i want. how do i know if it's your will or mine.

ask and you shall recieve. that merges the two doesn't it. to ask i've got to decide what i want. saying i'll take whatever life throws at me...kinda feels like a cop-out then.

yet you have a plan nothing can thwart, for each of us.

have faith.

10 hours, a band and a Man on a Cross

Well, that's it folks, the culmination of 5 weeks of brilliant music, silly asides, a crash course in playing the bass, aftermidnight goofiness, more Macs than we should have, blown eardrums, pounding bass in the head for 3 hours after practice, declarations of beautiful sunrises, and an overdose of pure, simple joy. For 10 hours last night we played, sang and loved our hearts out...yet were reminded always by the Crucifix which hung above us that it'll never be enough to deserve His love. That, like Mel said, we can never take for granted what we had and have. That it's by God's grace that we had a perfect band, an awesome choir, a moved congregation and wonderful speakers. And that this Lenten Vigil has given me the confidence, support and assurance to go on.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Things are looking good :) (Other than hellish Thursdays, but that's pretty normal.) Can't wait for Lenten Vigil, though I don't want the jam sessions to end. And Easter's just round the corner...major celebrations in order, methinks.

And as a mark of my utter contentedness of what's happened so far, here's my all-time favourite poem:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The Road Less Taken, Robert Frost

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord!

God sends angels when you least expect them. And in the most wonderful ways. It's like a father teaching his kid how to cycle. He lets the kid go, even if the kid thinks she's gonna fall, lets her learn to strive on ahead anyway, and when she really is going to fall, he knows, and catches her. So that no matter how alone she thought she was, she could never have been safer. Or more lovingly and carefully watched over.

Even the sparrow.

I hate fighting. Conflict, arguments. Cold war. But it'll blow over, and I'll forget about it till the next time, won't I.

God, sometimes I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself.

"How much do you love me?" I asked.
"This much," He said. Then He spread out His arms and died.

How do I do Your will?

the mind

is a strange thing. And currently I don't quite understand mine. It's all over the place, everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Tiny snippets of everything, but memories of nothing. A backlash perhaps from doing too much of too many. Where I used to be able to multi-task, and quite comfortably so, I'm now just distracted. So the solution is to mono-task desperately - and reluctantly.

There aren't enough hours in a day, or days in a week.

Went for a wedding in the morning. Came home, went into my room, lay flat on my back in the aircon, stared at the ceiling, and realised I'm really very contented single. At this point in my life, I can't think of anything better than to belong to God and God alone. (No, I don't think I'm going to become a nun.) Sure it's nice to have someone there and all - but it's just not a neccessity right now. Or a longing, even. Today, and perhaps tomorrow, I'm contented to just be.

Although it would be nice if just being entailed going for a long walk by the beach, or just chilling with friends. Since that's currently a stress-causing issue though, I'll just be in my study.

Update: You know it's just not your day when your parents succeed in pulling an April Fool's joke on you.

V.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

~From V for Vendetta

I want to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bah.

On hindsight, that looks like something Yazid might come up with.

Apologies

To all the teachers I have ever given a hard time to, incited anyone to give a hard time to, ignored, rolled my eyes at, were bored at, made fun of, cracked jokes at, talked in class of, didn't pay attention to and was less than cooperative with:


I am truly heartily terribly most genuinely sincerely painfully regretfully a gazillion times sorry.

I don't believe in karma, but that should start me off on a clean slate, shouldn't it? Arghhhhh. I love the kids, I really do, but today was argh-ifying.

Thank God tomorrow's Friday. And that there's LV practice tonight. *breeeeeeathhhhe.

Got this off Ondine's blog.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I'm an incurable procrastinator.

I havn't had as much fun jamming in ages as I had yesterday. And I can now play I will survive on acoustic bass, whoop *grinz.

Still havn't written the usp essay, although I've finally sent in my nus application. On tenterhooks for a call.

Brain not functioning smoothly. Probably a result of sleeping only 4 hours last night, and having to wake up to donkeys, cats, dogs and monkeys on my roof AND drag myself out of bed. There is no justice in this world. I've discovered a delight in caffeine. An iced mocha would be nice right about now.

Found on random blog-surfed blog:

"Right now, however, I sit here mourning my crumbling uterus walls and silently blaming Eve for her Original Sin of greed over one stupid apple. Women."

*bursts out laughing.

*recovers.

*apologises for potential trauma caused to male readers of blog.

Yesterday was a good day. I'd been looking forward to it all week, and have been duly rewarded. I like where we're going, and this is just a start. Decisions have been made, plans will be carried out.

*sends subtle brain signals to relevant government body. Calllll meeeeee.

I sound like a whale.
(stop that thought. NOW. stoppit.)

I think I kinda like where I am. Yes, I'm aware that I've just contradicted my last post. But I'm complex, see. On the cusp of everything (and nothing, but that's not affecting me today). Cusp. I like that word. It's so crisp, and full of potential and HOPE.

(Am procrastinating. Don't mind the randomness.)

I like having things to do. And feeling useful. And although some times it feels like it's all gonna cave in, it never actually does (yes Shane, it's because I have Friends in High Places). Salsa lessons sound fun. Or maybe lindy hop. Or jazz. Or hip hop. I want to dance.

Pensive

Last night was the closest I've come to a meltdown in ages. And it was sparked off, literally, by nothing. Nothing-ness scares me. Emptiness. Loneliness. Being alone in the midst of a crowd. There are times when all I want is to be alone. But I don't ever want to feel alone. It was nothingness crowded in. Like a shadow, with light enfringing jaggedly at its sides. And I don't know what I want. To stay in the cool comfort of the shadow - silent, content; or to let in blinding light, and lose forever a refuge.

There's this sense of desperation, and a slight tinge of panic. About what? I don't know. Perhaps it's the realization, the slow but certain realization, that things are changing. That I am changing.
That it's in my character to let go, to leave behind, but still want to cling on. Memories are never enough. And even the beautiful happy ones are painful, because ultimately they're over. Never to be experienced again. There's this tremendous sense of loss for what has been, and what could have been which jarrs with the hope of what could be. You know moments which you want to last forever? That you want to be fully drenched in? Even if I could wish that into reality, I wouldn't know which to choose. And there'll always be something else you could do, something else you could be. There is no best thing, no most desired. Only what's accepted and lived.

But in some things there is truth. Truth which compels decisions and action. Action which I'm not sure I'm brave enough to take. Or able to be committed enough. Or right enough.

I don't like this period of not knowing. Of being on ground where I have, until a decision is made, no control, not even capacity for control. Where all my decisions and choices are based on "if" and "unless". "If" especially annoys me. I feel like I'm not committing to anything - and I like committing. But for now all my plans have to be short term. I suppose that's just how things are.

We live by faith and not by sight for you.

what now

I'm back! Still tired, but slightly more rested. The trip was alright, fun in some places, not so in others but I'm not complaining :)

This song was playing in my head throughout the whole trip. And you know, what now is probably the most provoking, uneasiness causing question anyone could ask.

I saw the face of Jesus

In a little orphan girl

She was standing in the corner

On the other side of the world.

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my heart

Didn't you say you wanted to find Me

Well, here I am

Here you are

So what now

What will you do now that you've found Me

What now

What will you do with this treasure youv'e found

I know I may not look like what you expected

But if you'll remember

This is right where I said I would be

You found Me

What now

And I saw the face of Jesus

Down on Sixteenth Avenue

He was sleeping in an old car

While his mum went looking for food

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my soul

Didn't you say you wanted to know me

Well, here I am

And it's getting cold

So come and know

Come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

Oh, come and know

Come, come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

what now, Steven Curtis Chapman

What now? I don't know. Music ministry? Sure. But is that all? There's so much more I could do. We could do. And it's not that we dont know how. What now.

Eerily Romantic

I'll put a spell on you

You'll fall asleep

I'll put a spell on you

And when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you'll see

And you'll realise that you love me

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful

Didn't go to school today, went to the doctor again instead. Planned to clear out my study room - get all the papers sorted out, books arranged, files neatened. Instead I popped my medicine, and am now falling asleep on the keyboard. Think I should take a nap before I go for my driving lesson. Wouldnt be wise to crash the Ubi school car.

I just realised. It's so A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Midweek, end of term

And still sick.

Me: I'll do almost anything to get rid of this stupid flu.

Friend-who-shall-not-be-named: Kiss me and I'll take it away from you.

Sigh. If only it were that easy.

Went for my first driving lesson yesterday - it was more fun than scary (yes, I expected it to be mildly apprehension-causing). And I love the feel of the accelerator. Purrr.

I also sent in my PSC application yesterday. All of it. And my results, to Trinity. Now I just have to wait and pray.

Come to think of it, I did lots of things yesterday. Went to Siglap CC (which used to have lovely, if old, badminton courts...well at least playable, if not lovely, but which has now been renovated into a space occupying Arts and Cultural Centre) to enquire about the Salsa dance classes. Sy love they start in April and end in June - fine by me, still wanna go? Went for band too, which though marred by our human-ness, was still as always deeply refreshing. Just the music alone, melody filled worship, was good enough.

The kids are halfway through Orientation 2 now, and the sounds of enthusiastic albeit slightly hoarse cheers are wafting up into the staff room. Brings back memories it does - of my 1st Orientation in TJ, which was amazing fun (and where I had not a few crushes on several seniors); of Ohana 2 and the E-comm, those crazy mass dance sessions and cheer sessions and Pepsi TWIST; of Genesis, the long overnighters we had, the fights, the stupid crazy ideas, those bloody pebbles, the video, the KOI POND. Honestly, those poor fish.

It all seems so long ago, yet so recent. And yet if you think about it, it's my 4th year here. Almost as long as I spent in KC. Sure, it's different, being on the "other side", but it's still the same. I don't know what I mean by that.

In May though, I'll be off somewhere else. Missing the kids like hell, but hey, people have to move on. And I don't know what I'll do then. Continue with comm work of course, and the youth ministries. But as for work? Real work? I don't know. Teach for a month in a secondary school? Or get an internship somewhere. But doing what? Waitress? Perhaps. It would be eye-opening, and novel. AND a job. But I'm such a butterfingers I'll probably be fired on the first day.

By May too I'll know where I'll be in October. Whether it'll be my third month in stolid, reliable NUS, or whether it'll be my first week in adreamcometrue. That's the funny thing about dreams. You dream a dream longlongago, then forget about it for years as that dream part of you bows down and retires humbly in the expanding presence of ambition. And you tell yourself those were the dreams of naiive childhood. Then one day you realise that that naiivity told the truth, and you abandon ambition - or at least you think you do, for the dream. As you work for it though, you realise that the dream WAS true ambition, and the ambition of teenagehood was really pride. False pride, in the acknowledgement that society, and thus you, had fallen for the lie that Science would rule. And in the refusal to follow your heart, the tacit submission to the status quo - that "brighter" kids do Science. That really, other than the fact that you've loved every subject you've done, you didn't want to be stereotyped as "the Arts student", even though you knew there was nothing wrong with that. And now, in retrospect, you see how childish that truly was. And admire the courage of those who had chosen it from the start.

This is a very long post.

I've got a sudden hankering for Fish and Co. The platter for two. Yum. I'm making my mouth water. Ohhhhh those chips.

Dear Green Phlegm,

Please go away.

Thank you.

Bugged!

I swear there's a bug going around. A sore-throat causing, grumpiness-inducing, crabby mood-inspiring bug. Half the youth min has it, and the kids at school are coming down with it too. I was feeling positively miserable yesterday, but have happily recovered enough to actually SPEAK (and thus whine, to my sister's misfortune) today, so all is good. *grinz.

While we're on the subject of my sister, she came home yesterday and presented me, her poor, sick, unwillingly silent sister a magnet/plaque reading:

I'm smiling because

you're my sister.

I'm laughing

because you can't do

anything about it.

And I'm ordered to thank her. Sheesh.

It's always like this you know. I never get sick before stressful events, only after. So while everybody is out partying and celebrating, I'm stuck at home. Bah. AND I'll have to miss Amplify prayer meet today. Double bah. Ohwell. Hopefully I'll be well enough to go for the Warwick reception tonight. And my cousin's baptism tomorrow. And the Lenten Vigil Music team's inaugral meeting after that. Please please pleeeeeeeease.

Alright. I WILL finish my essay. Right now.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

Buddies

These are the people I spend Tuesdays

(Shane has scary eyes) and Fridays

with.

Efforts in a certain crutial area are being thwarted by mindless bureaucracy. What happened to pen and paper?! Gah.

Looking forward to tonight.

Happy :)

Thrilled, and humbly grateful to Him I could have done nought without.

Into marvellous light I'm running

Productive.

Well, kinda. This weekend I:

1. Went for a UCL exhibition. Not too impressed, but convinced myself that it wasn't going to be one of my choices, so that's fine.

2. Chilled out with the Amplify music team. Am very comfortable, and it's nice to be one of the youngest for a change.

3. Played for Youth Mass. It was...brilliant. Still don't know who the priest was, and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with everything he did. But Mass was, as usual, recharging. And beautiful. Hair-standingly so :)

4. Went for softball practice at St. Stephens'. Never played softball before, glove hand hurts. And I now know I cannot pitch because I can't lob a straight ball. I can bat though. So all hope is not lost. Am also slightly browner hehe.

5. Met Aaron and PS for lunch at Essential Brew in Holland V. (Here's the shocker: I've never been to Holland V. At least not within living memory, although my mum insists we used to go there all the time when we were really young.) Explored, found quaint bead shop, saw places I want to go back to, and Aaron I do not sulk. Scowl.

6. Bought a Corrine May CD (Fly away) - my first CD purchase in three years. So you see, her putting her entire new album on her website was a stroke of genius. I fell in love with it enough to want to get her CD. Although conversely, a friend of mine just plans to rip the entire thing. (Which is wrong, just so you know.) I think I'll go back to buying my own CDs. Had forgotten how nice it was to have and to hold. *grinz.

See? Oh and I also slotted in doing whatever work I had planned to do in between. So my weekend was productive. Mainly to keep my mind off the impending opening of Pandora's Box. But also because I've decided to make full use of my time. With personal reasons. And am glad tis so. :)

"God's got me covered."

Nerves.

It's official. The 2005 A-level results will be released Wednesday, 1st March at 2pm.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

How to know when you've lost all hope of ever growing up in your mother's eyes

Me: XXX is cute.

Mum: He's got a girlfriend.

Me: I know. But he still makes for good eyecandy.

Mum (whilst walking out the house to go for some late night hokkien mee): Focus girl. PSLE.

Me: ?!?!?!?!

Dad (who previously cleverly abstained from commenting on aforesaid conversation): Guffaw.


Sigh. And for those waiting for rumours, rumour has it D-Day's next Wed. See you then.

yourdictionary.com's Word of the Day is...

gound. That's right, gound. And apparently it means: "The extraneous matter that collects in the corners of the eyes during sleep (often called "sleep" itself in the U.S.)" Hmm. That would be the icky sticky white stuff I get across my eyes sometimes in the morning. How's that for an excuse to call in sick: "I'm sorry, I can't come in today, I've got gound." Sounds like some nasty infection.

It's the post midweek lethargy. I came home today, sat on the couch and fell asleep without knowing it. Sat. Till my bumbling goof of a retriever comes bounding onto my stomach. Well at least he's somewhat useful. (I won't deny it's adorable though.) Still, I'm headed for CSC in about half an hour, and that's enough to make anyone high. *grinz.

Orite this is for the band. Tomorrow, 6pm, dinner at Dragon Valley. Yup, that's the one next to Phoenix Nest and opposite Serpents' Cove. (Chai Chee.) Then we'll go for practice ok? Yay for band bonding.

Dinner's served. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Since I've got nothing much to talk about, and everybody seems to be talking about the Johari's Window, I figured I'll just jump on the bandwagon.

Arena (known to self and others) friendly, idealistic, patient	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dependable, giving, helpful, independent, intelligent, introverted, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, nervous, observant, quiet, reflective, religious, searching, self-assertive, sentimental, shy, silly, tense, trustworthy, warm, witty
Façade (known only to self) accepting, happy	Unknown (known to nobody) adaptable, cheerful, dignified, energetic, extroverted, ingenious, kind, modest, organised, powerful, proud, relaxed, responsive, self-conscious, sensible, spontaneous, sympathetic, wise

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (0%) bold (10%) brave (20%) calm (30%) caring (10%) cheerful (0%) clever (10%) complex (20%) confident (10%) dependable (20%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (30%) giving (30%) happy (0%) helpful (20%) idealistic (10%) independent (10%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (10%) introverted (10%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (10%) logical (10%) loving (10%) mature (20%) modest (0%) nervous (10%) observant (10%) organised (0%) patient (20%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (20%) reflective (10%) relaxed (0%) religious (40%) responsive (0%) searching (20%) self-assertive (20%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (0%) sentimental (20%) shy (10%) silly (30%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (10%) trustworthy (10%) warm (10%) wise (0%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 27.2.2006, using data from 10 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view liferockz's full data.

Oh but I had the most wonderful time yesterday. And it was all thanks to these people:


Fifteen out of twenty-seven is a pretty good number I'll say. :) And aren't you proud that I got my curfew extended? 2 hours more is a looong time you know. AND I maintain that I did not look like a kid in that outfit. I like that outfit. *sulk.

Right. School tomorrow. Need sleep. Wish they would tell us when the results will be out. I hate this waiting.

Edit: I was supposed to credit someone for sharing the picture with all the bands with me, so here goes. Someone is....*drum roll* SHANE! One of the members of my church youth band, of which I will get a photo of this Tuesday. Hmm. Lots of ofs there.

omg are you falling in love again?

That's my best friend's reply to an innocent question regarding the identity of one of the many people she has linked on her blog. I'm scandalized!!!! Was it really that obvious?

But the blog was written beautifully. If I could fall in love with words...and I could...but you know, that's what scares me. Blogs are all about facades and appearances. You can craft what you say, what you want people to know. What you're reading now - you've no way of knowing if this is just what I think, or what I want you to think I think, or what I think I want you to think I think - or even what I think about you.

Come to think of it, isn't that true in more and more situations? When everything is written down, and sent after an interim period which allows for thought (think sms, msn, email), EVERYTHING is crafted. Even speech if you really think about it. The interjections we all have in our everyday lives (hmm, well, you know, i think..., ah...) give us time to become what we aren't. How do we know what we aren't? Do you? Do I? Maybe I'm so caught up in a persona, I don't know who I truly am. But isn't that a construct in itself? "Who I truly am." Someone has got to decide that.

"You're looking in all the wrong places lah dude."

p.s. Happy Birthday Aaron.

E V E R Y T H I N G I N I T S T I M E

Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo & Carole Bayer Sager

Copyright 2001 Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP) / All About Me Music adm. by Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp. (BMI)

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead

How long till my hunger is fed

They say it's hard to make it in this part of town

So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology

Some turn to crystal balls

To find an answer,

To get through it all

I just fall on my knees and I try to pray

In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind

Somebody must have moved that finish line

There are a thousand reasons

Why I should give up

But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan

One I still can't see

A little surprise, like your love in my life

Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

Everything in its time

Everything in its time

Had dinner today with someone I've known for a pretty long time...and it's true what they say. The old friends are the best. Had much fun :)

Is it a good thing to not be able to stay angry? I wonder.

Sometimes things happen, and I wonder if I really want to leave. Then I remind myself that I may never get the chance to. But then my mind tells me, "just assuming..." and I wonder.

Why do I push some people away, and want others closer to me, even when I know that the people I'm pushing away may be nicer than those I want close? I wonder.

Is there really someone for everybody? Matched up, in a Divine Plan. And are we sure to meet each other, be it through a match-made relationship or a hollywood-esque one? What if I keep looking for the One, and miss The one? I wonder.

You could be next to an angel in disguise.

Valentine's Day

and dateless. In a sense anyhoo. Not sure if I mind or not. Seeing that I don't actually have a crush on anyone right now (come to think of it, it's been a while since I've had a crush), I don't think I should feel that bad.

Anyway, someone shared this picture with me. And it's so cool, I decided to share it with you:

Now tell me. There are 75 bands/music artistes in this picture. How many can you name? Leave a comment. (And yes, this is a desperate attempt to make myself feel good about the number of people who do read my blog.)

I'll just leave it at this then. Going for YMM later. Come to think of it, I do have a date. 8 boys and keyboards. Ooooh nice. *wink.

Done.

Find infoblog here. Ok off to mark reflections now.

Brainwave

I was thinking about how I'm gonna remember all the stuff I've been reading, gp-related and otherwise. Then today in class, I had a brainwave. I'm gonna start an infoblog! And it'll have random or otherwise articles and editorials and information on it. Woot. Go me.

Help! My feet are falling off!

The underneaths of them anyway. The skin's all white-y and tear-y. Altogether now: Eeeeeeeeee.
My dad took one look at them and said, "Wet socks." I don't WEAR socks, because I havn't worn sneakers for the longest time. (Which reminds me. I'm so screwed for Friday.) Sigh. It's YICKY. How.

And then there's the issue of my essay. It's still not done. 3 weeks is the longest writer's block I've had ever. And it doesn't help that yesterday I deleted the whole essay because it read funny and run of the mill and boring. AND I just realised that on my JC testimonial my leaving date is recorded as 31st December 2004. Now I'll have to get it changed, and the signature will be the new principle's. Sigh.

I think the kids have finally figured out that I'd just graduated last year. They would have found out sooner or later, but I was hoping later rather than sooner. Ohwell. It's only about two weeks to the release of the A level results...that would have been a pretty obvious blow of my cover.

RESULTS. ARGH. You know what, of all the subjects I sat for, I'm most terrified of screwing up gp. Not only because that would seriously undermine my credibility in my current occupation, but also because I honestly feel like I may have. Oh, and maths too. I still maintain that Paper 1 was better than Paper 2, but I'm beginning to feel that maybe, just maybe, I did so badly in Paper 1 I didn't KNOW I was screwed. Let's not even talk about the S papers. I'm definitely going to be in need of some Ben&Jerry's therapy come D-Day. And some moral support too. I am NOT looking forward to sympathetic glances from tutors with prior knowledge on the morning of the release. SIGH.

For now though, all I can do is pray for the serenity to accept what I deserve, and be thankful for what I probably don't.

The whole issue of the respect for religion vs. freedom of speech has been playing on my mind ever since the Danish newspaper issue came to light. I guess it's in these kind of situations where you realise the value of having a responsible media. My stand on the issue? Respect for religion comes first, and foremost. There's a fine line between the right to freedom of speech, and the abuse of freedom of speech. Purposefully antagonising a group of people who already feel antagonised falls short of the intelligence, sensitivity and all else a cultured society the Europeans claim to have should possess. While I don't believe a whole country should be blamed for the irresponsible actions of a group of people, I do think leaders could have been more forthcoming in their reassurance of the Muslims. It's easy to feel oppressed when you feel like a minority. I think Singapore did a pretty good job of coming clean with their opinions on the issue. While I don't agree with the means of protest - violence never solved anything, and only turns potential sympathisers against you, I do see why they're protesting. Just because the western world, and face it, most Christians, have let our guard down against blasphemy against our God, it shouldn't blind us to the fact that people do feel strongly about their religion, and we should respect that. And it's not just my two cents worth either. "How do you feel about the murder of the Catholic priest in Turkey?" somebody asked me. "Doesn't it make you angry?" Of course it does. What makes me angrier is that extremists have the excuse, handed to them on a platter, to 'prove' that they are being oppressed, and should, thus, take revenge; that people have been given a reason to confuse an individual cartoonist, expressing his opinion, with a whole range of people: white, european, christian. My stand is clear. The Danish and other newspapers were wrong to have printed the cartoon. The cartoonist may have the freedom to express his feelings in his art, that's fine. But the newspapers, as influential media, have the responsibilty to prevent the worsening of an already precarious situation. I'm not advocating censorship. I'm advocating responsibility of the press in an already divided world. I'm not condoning violent retaliation and protests - I'm saying the agitation some world leaders are refusing to sooth with a full apology is understandable.

Doesn't it strike anybody as sad, no, more than that, terrible, that Christians rarely raise so much as a whisper when our God is blasphemed? That sometimes, we do it ourselves? Freedom of Speech was a concept created to respect the individual's rights. When it over-rides the most basic desire of most individuals, to respect and honour his God, does that not strike you as fundamentally and woefully wrong? Some things should remain sacred, and in my list, reckless, irresponsible and insensitive freedom of speech hardly comes up tops.

What is the clash between then? A kid in one of my classes put it well. It isn't a clash between civilisations, certainly not one between religions. It's freedom of speech vs. respect for religion. And I don't know about you, but I sure hope the latter wins.

I think I know what's wrong with my feet. TOE JAM. Yuck.

Random Quote: No milk today. It wasn't always so. The company was gay. ~Herman's Hermits.

Musings

so what am i, if i am not what i am

I actually had a lot to talk about. Then blogger loaded and my mind went blank. Maybe that has something to do with my glance to my unfinished psc essay, which I told myself I would finish before the end of the CNY holidays. Some time ago that was I think. Arghhh.

Anyway, I'm signing up for driving lessons tomorrow. Passed my btt last week, so next stop pdl. I love these acronyms.

Had a talk (well kind of) with a friend on what makes a person...well, a person. Or rather, what forms someone's identity. And I realised that, at least in the society we live in, a person's identity is very much molded by the category he is put in. I suppose I've always known that. The conversation just made it clearer. From the time we are kids we're told how we, as a category, should act. So kids in neighbourhood schools are supposed to be rougher and louder; girls from all-girls schools are supposed to be messed up, at least at some point in their lives; normal ac kids are supposed to have a chip on their shoulders; normal tech kids are hopeless and thus free to be delinquent; express kids should only have one aim, that is, jc and gep kids should only go to one jc. Maybe my perceptions are flawed, but this much is true. So many kids, up till now, when we're hardly kids anymore, are defined by who they were told they were at 9 and 12.

I'm too sleepy to finish this. Perhaps I'll pick it up again the next time I blog, perhaps not. For now, it's finish psc essay, look through reflections time. G'nite.

Things I noticed during CNY 2006

1. The roads are empty, other than the occasional car packed full of cheongsam/chinese motiff/generally red wearing 3 generational family, complete with maid(s).

2. The trains are empty, other than the occasional group of cheongsam/chinese motiff/generally red wearing 3 generational family, usually without maid(s).

3. The shopping malls are empty, aside from the lunch/in-between-visit-snack-break chionging clusters of somewhat cheongsam/chinese motiff/not always red wearing most of the time 2 generational (or young couple or group of friends) groups, almost always without maid(s).

4. The top floor of Tampines Mall, where GV is, is full. And all above-mentioned groups are well-represented. It was the first day of CNY! FAMILY VISITING people. Thanks to them I was stuck in the front row of the theatre watching I Not Stupid Too. Painful it was. The seat, not the movie. The boys have grown up quite nicely. And I cried. Having normal tech girls as friends make it all the more real.

You know, CNY is the one festival in Singapore which has the ability to make it effectively close down. It is only during CNY that I realise how majority the majority Chinese really is. Almost ALL my favourite stalls are closed, and the shopping malls are ghost towns. A little depressing, but I had people to visit too, so it wasn't too bad.

Talking about people to visit, I promised photos of my 3 new siblings, so here they are:

That's K, J and M, who are gonna kill me if and when they see this. *grin.

Of course there's more where that comes from (I'm under strict orders not to say exactly where that is). Think I'll just post a picture of the extended family.

I know the Youth Min is gonna revolutionise this year. And not just in our Church, but in churches everywhere.

It's the 2nd day of CNY, and I've done none of the things I told myself I'll do. I should just get started shouldn't I. Seeing that I'll be out most of tomorrow, and I anticipate a small distraction later today :p

Later then. Oh and nic, if you actually find this, leave a comment yeah? I havn't seen you in AGES.

Ahhh.

So much cleaner this skin, no? I know quite a few people would approve.

Anyway, I realised I havn't posted about my current state of employment. Currently it's from 7.30am to about 3ish in the afternoon, after which I come home to recuperate for a while before I'm off again, whether for music min or, in a couple of weeks, driving lessons. I'm happily enthused by my daytime occupation though, although I suspect it's still smooth going because of the lack of assignments currently due. We'll see by next week. 26+26+19+22 300-word reflections should be interesting.

Last night I watched Sing me a Story at the Esplanade - Lee Macdonald and George Chan, if my memory serves me correctly. Amazing fun. And not a few eye candy moments either, although there is a slightly higher than average possibility that they swing the other way. OH well. Would like to go for more of those though. My long-buried love for theatre is beginning to get restless. Wish I had never quit S&D. Wonder how hard it would be to get into the scene now...

Hmm. Rather truncated, that last paragraph. My words just aren't flowing, which is not good, considering the fact that I'm still not done with my psc essay. I'm actually struggling to finish the FIRST paragraph. I really really really need to start writing again. Oh and I'm so screwed for the duathlon. Gai darling we aren't really competing are we? I'll buy you a sundae when we lose I promise. I cycled 5k yesterday and it took me half an hour because my butt hurt. And then there's the road run. SIGH what was I thinking.

Right. Time for a bath, then painting my nails. No. Bath, dinner, and paint my nails during the movie, which M should be bringing. I now officially have, by the way, 4 other siblings. One's real, that's Babe, then there's M and J, the latter of which is Babe's twin, and K. I'm not sure where she fits in the hierachy, but there you go. Oh and of course Rascal, Teddy and Junior. I'll put up pictures soon enough.

Happy CNY y'all.

RANDOM QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm hungry. I want a banana." ~ Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks, "Japanese Banana".

p.s. Watching Memoirs on Tues. Havn't read the book (yes, there are books I havn't read) yet so it should be interesting. Plaza Singapura, ehque. *grin.

Priorities

I think at some point in their lives, everybody reaches a stage where the phrase "get your priorities right", previously translated into "stop playing, start studying" becomes a lot more complicated. It happens when responsibilities (and thus privileges) morph from scoring in exams (and going out with friends as a reward) to (almost) real work and many new groups of friends, and the need to maintain old groups of friends as well as responsibility to the family. And it's even more complex when friends feel like family, but you know they aren't. And that family is still family.

And sometimes what you should do isn't the same as what you want to do. Or worse yet, you want to know what you should do, but you also want to do something else at the same time. And you ask yourself, who makes the final decision. Do you finally do something because youhave to, or because you want to. Or do you make yourself want to do things you have to, so that you feel better about it. But then that would mean, eventually, that you're doing things other people want you to do. Which really isn't the best way to live your life. Unless it's God we're talking about, but that's really another issue altogether.

Taking all that into consideration, what happens when priorities clash. Like, when two issues are on the same priority level, and they both demand to be handled. What then? Choose a favourite? Or the one that would seem to need more help. Do we do things we like to do, or things we want to do. Is freedom in the choosing, or the choice? Or is it in what we do with what we have chosen. Is there really and truly freedom there at all?

Nobody ever said it would be a smooth ride.

And just so I remember. I'd rather be lonely single, than unhappily attached. Remind me.

Just because.

4 Jobs you've had in your life.

Research Assistant at Science Discovery Centre
Catechist in Church
Relief Teaching
Older Sister to numerous kids.

4 Movies you could watch over and over again.

The Sound of Music
Love Actually
Sister Act
Under the Tuscan Sky (or something like that)

4 TV shows you love to watch.

FBEye
CSI wherever
Friends (yes, I know it's over)
You know, I'm really not much of a TV person...

4 Places you've lived.

Norma Terrace, Singapore
Jalan Bangsawan, Singapore
3 hours from London in my aunty's house, England
In a motel opposite Disneyland, Los Angeles

4 Places you've been on vacation to.

Amsterdam
Zurich
Frankfurt
Las Vegas


4 Places you'd rather be.

Cambridge
Montmarde
Solvankg
That beach outside Macdonald's in Brisbane

4 of your favourite foods.

Fish and Chips
Mee Pok
Shepherd's Pie
BROWNIES.

4 of your favourite drinks.

Water
Iced Milo
Soya Bean
Ribena

4 Websites you visit daily.
Enroute
Neopets (Yes. Close your mouth. And put down those rakes.)
Yahoo!
The PSC Homepage (I know. Bordering on obsessive.)

4 people you're tagging.

toot
the red one
wz
ehque

There.

"You know there's something seriously wrong with your life when your ice cubes don't float in your water." ~My Sister.

My 100th post. And typical Vanessa line. Enjoy.

Caution: Random rambling ahead.

I'm not depressed. I'm just contemplative. And that usually leads to morose-like appearances.

It's hard to translate thoughts and feelings on how things should be into how things are. It's even harder when everybody agrees on how things should be, but hardly anybody agrees that's the way we want things to be. Knowing right, choosing left. And as frustrating as it is, I hardly have the courage to turn right on my own. I fear too much. I fear to lose too much. Even when I know there's so much more to be gained.

Am I a substitute person? Like, the person between people, who's there so that other people don't crash and burn, but have a safety net they bounce off. And away. But that never retains, because it's just reflex to let go. A safety mechanism. So that letting go doesn't sting, it actually feels right. Even if perhaps it isn't.

I think they call it growing pains.

and a spirit-filled 2006

Happy New Year you all :)

It's been a packed week, and I havnt slept earlier than 12 for the last 5 or so days. Of course the plus side was that I didn't wake up before 8 for most of those days, save Friday of course. I'm a teacher! Woot.

This isn't gonna be a take stock of 2005, here's what to come in 2006 post, but I can hardly avoid saying that we're now planted firmly at the beginning of a brand new, probably life-changing year. There's this sense of tentativeness, of not knowing really what's to come. Of wondering if I did myself justice in the exams that could decide where I go and what I do for the next couple of years, of moments of panic and impatience for the news to just be over and done with so I can start making concrete plans. But also of excitement, of the knowledge that I'm on the cusp of a brilliant life in His Plan even failure can't take away. Of great love, Love I can feel by my side, see in the faces and hear in the laughter and even tears of family and friends. Of great joy, just to be alive, to wake up in the morning to a sparkling day - and an old but new, potentially intimidating but just as exciting destination every Monday to Friday, starting this Tuesday. And just to make tootsie happy, here's my 10 things i want to do before i turn 25 (Random and totally relevant).

1. Drive.
2. Finish uni and be a fully-qualified teacher.
3. Go overseas on my own.
4. See the Youth Min in OLPS grow to fulfil what it's meant to do.
5. Learn to roller blade.
6. Fall in true, everlasting love.
7. Be in a dance troupe, at least for a while.
8. Go for World Youth Day, wherever it is held.
9. Visit Jerusalem.
10. Go to Vatican City, Rome.

Quite do-able really, if you think about it.

Much to do this year, and much to be. But secure in the knowledge that I'm never alone.

G'bye for now folks, off to watch War and Peace. Happy New Year again, and may it be a spirit-filled one for all.

Cuz we're living for the glory of Your Name.