Got this off Ondine's blog.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I'm an incurable procrastinator.

I havn't had as much fun jamming in ages as I had yesterday. And I can now play I will survive on acoustic bass, whoop *grinz.

Still havn't written the usp essay, although I've finally sent in my nus application. On tenterhooks for a call.

Brain not functioning smoothly. Probably a result of sleeping only 4 hours last night, and having to wake up to donkeys, cats, dogs and monkeys on my roof AND drag myself out of bed. There is no justice in this world. I've discovered a delight in caffeine. An iced mocha would be nice right about now.

Found on random blog-surfed blog:

"Right now, however, I sit here mourning my crumbling uterus walls and silently blaming Eve for her Original Sin of greed over one stupid apple. Women."

*bursts out laughing.

*recovers.

*apologises for potential trauma caused to male readers of blog.

Yesterday was a good day. I'd been looking forward to it all week, and have been duly rewarded. I like where we're going, and this is just a start. Decisions have been made, plans will be carried out.

*sends subtle brain signals to relevant government body. Calllll meeeeee.

I sound like a whale.
(stop that thought. NOW. stoppit.)

I think I kinda like where I am. Yes, I'm aware that I've just contradicted my last post. But I'm complex, see. On the cusp of everything (and nothing, but that's not affecting me today). Cusp. I like that word. It's so crisp, and full of potential and HOPE.

(Am procrastinating. Don't mind the randomness.)

I like having things to do. And feeling useful. And although some times it feels like it's all gonna cave in, it never actually does (yes Shane, it's because I have Friends in High Places). Salsa lessons sound fun. Or maybe lindy hop. Or jazz. Or hip hop. I want to dance.

Pensive

Last night was the closest I've come to a meltdown in ages. And it was sparked off, literally, by nothing. Nothing-ness scares me. Emptiness. Loneliness. Being alone in the midst of a crowd. There are times when all I want is to be alone. But I don't ever want to feel alone. It was nothingness crowded in. Like a shadow, with light enfringing jaggedly at its sides. And I don't know what I want. To stay in the cool comfort of the shadow - silent, content; or to let in blinding light, and lose forever a refuge.

There's this sense of desperation, and a slight tinge of panic. About what? I don't know. Perhaps it's the realization, the slow but certain realization, that things are changing. That I am changing.
That it's in my character to let go, to leave behind, but still want to cling on. Memories are never enough. And even the beautiful happy ones are painful, because ultimately they're over. Never to be experienced again. There's this tremendous sense of loss for what has been, and what could have been which jarrs with the hope of what could be. You know moments which you want to last forever? That you want to be fully drenched in? Even if I could wish that into reality, I wouldn't know which to choose. And there'll always be something else you could do, something else you could be. There is no best thing, no most desired. Only what's accepted and lived.

But in some things there is truth. Truth which compels decisions and action. Action which I'm not sure I'm brave enough to take. Or able to be committed enough. Or right enough.

I don't like this period of not knowing. Of being on ground where I have, until a decision is made, no control, not even capacity for control. Where all my decisions and choices are based on "if" and "unless". "If" especially annoys me. I feel like I'm not committing to anything - and I like committing. But for now all my plans have to be short term. I suppose that's just how things are.

We live by faith and not by sight for you.

what now

I'm back! Still tired, but slightly more rested. The trip was alright, fun in some places, not so in others but I'm not complaining :)

This song was playing in my head throughout the whole trip. And you know, what now is probably the most provoking, uneasiness causing question anyone could ask.

I saw the face of Jesus

In a little orphan girl

She was standing in the corner

On the other side of the world.

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my heart

Didn't you say you wanted to find Me

Well, here I am

Here you are

So what now

What will you do now that you've found Me

What now

What will you do with this treasure youv'e found

I know I may not look like what you expected

But if you'll remember

This is right where I said I would be

You found Me

What now

And I saw the face of Jesus

Down on Sixteenth Avenue

He was sleeping in an old car

While his mum went looking for food

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my soul

Didn't you say you wanted to know me

Well, here I am

And it's getting cold

So come and know

Come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

Oh, come and know

Come, come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

what now, Steven Curtis Chapman

What now? I don't know. Music ministry? Sure. But is that all? There's so much more I could do. We could do. And it's not that we dont know how. What now.

Eerily Romantic

I'll put a spell on you

You'll fall asleep

I'll put a spell on you

And when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you'll see

And you'll realise that you love me

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful

Didn't go to school today, went to the doctor again instead. Planned to clear out my study room - get all the papers sorted out, books arranged, files neatened. Instead I popped my medicine, and am now falling asleep on the keyboard. Think I should take a nap before I go for my driving lesson. Wouldnt be wise to crash the Ubi school car.

I just realised. It's so A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Midweek, end of term

And still sick.

Me: I'll do almost anything to get rid of this stupid flu.

Friend-who-shall-not-be-named: Kiss me and I'll take it away from you.

Sigh. If only it were that easy.

Went for my first driving lesson yesterday - it was more fun than scary (yes, I expected it to be mildly apprehension-causing). And I love the feel of the accelerator. Purrr.

I also sent in my PSC application yesterday. All of it. And my results, to Trinity. Now I just have to wait and pray.

Come to think of it, I did lots of things yesterday. Went to Siglap CC (which used to have lovely, if old, badminton courts...well at least playable, if not lovely, but which has now been renovated into a space occupying Arts and Cultural Centre) to enquire about the Salsa dance classes. Sy love they start in April and end in June - fine by me, still wanna go? Went for band too, which though marred by our human-ness, was still as always deeply refreshing. Just the music alone, melody filled worship, was good enough.

The kids are halfway through Orientation 2 now, and the sounds of enthusiastic albeit slightly hoarse cheers are wafting up into the staff room. Brings back memories it does - of my 1st Orientation in TJ, which was amazing fun (and where I had not a few crushes on several seniors); of Ohana 2 and the E-comm, those crazy mass dance sessions and cheer sessions and Pepsi TWIST; of Genesis, the long overnighters we had, the fights, the stupid crazy ideas, those bloody pebbles, the video, the KOI POND. Honestly, those poor fish.

It all seems so long ago, yet so recent. And yet if you think about it, it's my 4th year here. Almost as long as I spent in KC. Sure, it's different, being on the "other side", but it's still the same. I don't know what I mean by that.

In May though, I'll be off somewhere else. Missing the kids like hell, but hey, people have to move on. And I don't know what I'll do then. Continue with comm work of course, and the youth ministries. But as for work? Real work? I don't know. Teach for a month in a secondary school? Or get an internship somewhere. But doing what? Waitress? Perhaps. It would be eye-opening, and novel. AND a job. But I'm such a butterfingers I'll probably be fired on the first day.

By May too I'll know where I'll be in October. Whether it'll be my third month in stolid, reliable NUS, or whether it'll be my first week in adreamcometrue. That's the funny thing about dreams. You dream a dream longlongago, then forget about it for years as that dream part of you bows down and retires humbly in the expanding presence of ambition. And you tell yourself those were the dreams of naiive childhood. Then one day you realise that that naiivity told the truth, and you abandon ambition - or at least you think you do, for the dream. As you work for it though, you realise that the dream WAS true ambition, and the ambition of teenagehood was really pride. False pride, in the acknowledgement that society, and thus you, had fallen for the lie that Science would rule. And in the refusal to follow your heart, the tacit submission to the status quo - that "brighter" kids do Science. That really, other than the fact that you've loved every subject you've done, you didn't want to be stereotyped as "the Arts student", even though you knew there was nothing wrong with that. And now, in retrospect, you see how childish that truly was. And admire the courage of those who had chosen it from the start.

This is a very long post.

I've got a sudden hankering for Fish and Co. The platter for two. Yum. I'm making my mouth water. Ohhhhh those chips.

Dear Green Phlegm,

Please go away.

Thank you.

Bugged!

I swear there's a bug going around. A sore-throat causing, grumpiness-inducing, crabby mood-inspiring bug. Half the youth min has it, and the kids at school are coming down with it too. I was feeling positively miserable yesterday, but have happily recovered enough to actually SPEAK (and thus whine, to my sister's misfortune) today, so all is good. *grinz.

While we're on the subject of my sister, she came home yesterday and presented me, her poor, sick, unwillingly silent sister a magnet/plaque reading:

I'm smiling because

you're my sister.

I'm laughing

because you can't do

anything about it.

And I'm ordered to thank her. Sheesh.

It's always like this you know. I never get sick before stressful events, only after. So while everybody is out partying and celebrating, I'm stuck at home. Bah. AND I'll have to miss Amplify prayer meet today. Double bah. Ohwell. Hopefully I'll be well enough to go for the Warwick reception tonight. And my cousin's baptism tomorrow. And the Lenten Vigil Music team's inaugral meeting after that. Please please pleeeeeeeease.

Alright. I WILL finish my essay. Right now.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

Buddies

These are the people I spend Tuesdays

(Shane has scary eyes) and Fridays

with.

Efforts in a certain crutial area are being thwarted by mindless bureaucracy. What happened to pen and paper?! Gah.

Looking forward to tonight.

Happy :)

Thrilled, and humbly grateful to Him I could have done nought without.

Into marvellous light I'm running

Productive.

Well, kinda. This weekend I:

1. Went for a UCL exhibition. Not too impressed, but convinced myself that it wasn't going to be one of my choices, so that's fine.

2. Chilled out with the Amplify music team. Am very comfortable, and it's nice to be one of the youngest for a change.

3. Played for Youth Mass. It was...brilliant. Still don't know who the priest was, and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with everything he did. But Mass was, as usual, recharging. And beautiful. Hair-standingly so :)

4. Went for softball practice at St. Stephens'. Never played softball before, glove hand hurts. And I now know I cannot pitch because I can't lob a straight ball. I can bat though. So all hope is not lost. Am also slightly browner hehe.

5. Met Aaron and PS for lunch at Essential Brew in Holland V. (Here's the shocker: I've never been to Holland V. At least not within living memory, although my mum insists we used to go there all the time when we were really young.) Explored, found quaint bead shop, saw places I want to go back to, and Aaron I do not sulk. Scowl.

6. Bought a Corrine May CD (Fly away) - my first CD purchase in three years. So you see, her putting her entire new album on her website was a stroke of genius. I fell in love with it enough to want to get her CD. Although conversely, a friend of mine just plans to rip the entire thing. (Which is wrong, just so you know.) I think I'll go back to buying my own CDs. Had forgotten how nice it was to have and to hold. *grinz.

See? Oh and I also slotted in doing whatever work I had planned to do in between. So my weekend was productive. Mainly to keep my mind off the impending opening of Pandora's Box. But also because I've decided to make full use of my time. With personal reasons. And am glad tis so. :)

"God's got me covered."

Nerves.

It's official. The 2005 A-level results will be released Wednesday, 1st March at 2pm.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

How to know when you've lost all hope of ever growing up in your mother's eyes

Me: XXX is cute.

Mum: He's got a girlfriend.

Me: I know. But he still makes for good eyecandy.

Mum (whilst walking out the house to go for some late night hokkien mee): Focus girl. PSLE.

Me: ?!?!?!?!

Dad (who previously cleverly abstained from commenting on aforesaid conversation): Guffaw.


Sigh. And for those waiting for rumours, rumour has it D-Day's next Wed. See you then.

yourdictionary.com's Word of the Day is...

gound. That's right, gound. And apparently it means: "The extraneous matter that collects in the corners of the eyes during sleep (often called "sleep" itself in the U.S.)" Hmm. That would be the icky sticky white stuff I get across my eyes sometimes in the morning. How's that for an excuse to call in sick: "I'm sorry, I can't come in today, I've got gound." Sounds like some nasty infection.

It's the post midweek lethargy. I came home today, sat on the couch and fell asleep without knowing it. Sat. Till my bumbling goof of a retriever comes bounding onto my stomach. Well at least he's somewhat useful. (I won't deny it's adorable though.) Still, I'm headed for CSC in about half an hour, and that's enough to make anyone high. *grinz.

Orite this is for the band. Tomorrow, 6pm, dinner at Dragon Valley. Yup, that's the one next to Phoenix Nest and opposite Serpents' Cove. (Chai Chee.) Then we'll go for practice ok? Yay for band bonding.

Dinner's served. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Since I've got nothing much to talk about, and everybody seems to be talking about the Johari's Window, I figured I'll just jump on the bandwagon.

Arena (known to self and others) friendly, idealistic, patient	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dependable, giving, helpful, independent, intelligent, introverted, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, nervous, observant, quiet, reflective, religious, searching, self-assertive, sentimental, shy, silly, tense, trustworthy, warm, witty
Façade (known only to self) accepting, happy	Unknown (known to nobody) adaptable, cheerful, dignified, energetic, extroverted, ingenious, kind, modest, organised, powerful, proud, relaxed, responsive, self-conscious, sensible, spontaneous, sympathetic, wise

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (0%) bold (10%) brave (20%) calm (30%) caring (10%) cheerful (0%) clever (10%) complex (20%) confident (10%) dependable (20%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (30%) giving (30%) happy (0%) helpful (20%) idealistic (10%) independent (10%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (10%) introverted (10%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (10%) logical (10%) loving (10%) mature (20%) modest (0%) nervous (10%) observant (10%) organised (0%) patient (20%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (20%) reflective (10%) relaxed (0%) religious (40%) responsive (0%) searching (20%) self-assertive (20%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (0%) sentimental (20%) shy (10%) silly (30%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (10%) trustworthy (10%) warm (10%) wise (0%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 27.2.2006, using data from 10 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view liferockz's full data.

Oh but I had the most wonderful time yesterday. And it was all thanks to these people:


Fifteen out of twenty-seven is a pretty good number I'll say. :) And aren't you proud that I got my curfew extended? 2 hours more is a looong time you know. AND I maintain that I did not look like a kid in that outfit. I like that outfit. *sulk.

Right. School tomorrow. Need sleep. Wish they would tell us when the results will be out. I hate this waiting.

Edit: I was supposed to credit someone for sharing the picture with all the bands with me, so here goes. Someone is....*drum roll* SHANE! One of the members of my church youth band, of which I will get a photo of this Tuesday. Hmm. Lots of ofs there.

omg are you falling in love again?

That's my best friend's reply to an innocent question regarding the identity of one of the many people she has linked on her blog. I'm scandalized!!!! Was it really that obvious?

But the blog was written beautifully. If I could fall in love with words...and I could...but you know, that's what scares me. Blogs are all about facades and appearances. You can craft what you say, what you want people to know. What you're reading now - you've no way of knowing if this is just what I think, or what I want you to think I think, or what I think I want you to think I think - or even what I think about you.

Come to think of it, isn't that true in more and more situations? When everything is written down, and sent after an interim period which allows for thought (think sms, msn, email), EVERYTHING is crafted. Even speech if you really think about it. The interjections we all have in our everyday lives (hmm, well, you know, i think..., ah...) give us time to become what we aren't. How do we know what we aren't? Do you? Do I? Maybe I'm so caught up in a persona, I don't know who I truly am. But isn't that a construct in itself? "Who I truly am." Someone has got to decide that.

"You're looking in all the wrong places lah dude."

p.s. Happy Birthday Aaron.

E V E R Y T H I N G I N I T S T I M E

Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo & Carole Bayer Sager

Copyright 2001 Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP) / All About Me Music adm. by Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp. (BMI)

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead

How long till my hunger is fed

They say it's hard to make it in this part of town

So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology

Some turn to crystal balls

To find an answer,

To get through it all

I just fall on my knees and I try to pray

In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind

Somebody must have moved that finish line

There are a thousand reasons

Why I should give up

But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan

One I still can't see

A little surprise, like your love in my life

Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides

Out to the ocean and under the sky

I promise you, the answer will come

Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

Everything in its time

Everything in its time

Had dinner today with someone I've known for a pretty long time...and it's true what they say. The old friends are the best. Had much fun :)

Is it a good thing to not be able to stay angry? I wonder.

Sometimes things happen, and I wonder if I really want to leave. Then I remind myself that I may never get the chance to. But then my mind tells me, "just assuming..." and I wonder.

Why do I push some people away, and want others closer to me, even when I know that the people I'm pushing away may be nicer than those I want close? I wonder.

Is there really someone for everybody? Matched up, in a Divine Plan. And are we sure to meet each other, be it through a match-made relationship or a hollywood-esque one? What if I keep looking for the One, and miss The one? I wonder.

You could be next to an angel in disguise.

Valentine's Day

and dateless. In a sense anyhoo. Not sure if I mind or not. Seeing that I don't actually have a crush on anyone right now (come to think of it, it's been a while since I've had a crush), I don't think I should feel that bad.

Anyway, someone shared this picture with me. And it's so cool, I decided to share it with you:

Now tell me. There are 75 bands/music artistes in this picture. How many can you name? Leave a comment. (And yes, this is a desperate attempt to make myself feel good about the number of people who do read my blog.)

I'll just leave it at this then. Going for YMM later. Come to think of it, I do have a date. 8 boys and keyboards. Ooooh nice. *wink.

Done.

Find infoblog here. Ok off to mark reflections now.

Brainwave

I was thinking about how I'm gonna remember all the stuff I've been reading, gp-related and otherwise. Then today in class, I had a brainwave. I'm gonna start an infoblog! And it'll have random or otherwise articles and editorials and information on it. Woot. Go me.

Help! My feet are falling off!

The underneaths of them anyway. The skin's all white-y and tear-y. Altogether now: Eeeeeeeeee.
My dad took one look at them and said, "Wet socks." I don't WEAR socks, because I havn't worn sneakers for the longest time. (Which reminds me. I'm so screwed for Friday.) Sigh. It's YICKY. How.

And then there's the issue of my essay. It's still not done. 3 weeks is the longest writer's block I've had ever. And it doesn't help that yesterday I deleted the whole essay because it read funny and run of the mill and boring. AND I just realised that on my JC testimonial my leaving date is recorded as 31st December 2004. Now I'll have to get it changed, and the signature will be the new principle's. Sigh.

I think the kids have finally figured out that I'd just graduated last year. They would have found out sooner or later, but I was hoping later rather than sooner. Ohwell. It's only about two weeks to the release of the A level results...that would have been a pretty obvious blow of my cover.

RESULTS. ARGH. You know what, of all the subjects I sat for, I'm most terrified of screwing up gp. Not only because that would seriously undermine my credibility in my current occupation, but also because I honestly feel like I may have. Oh, and maths too. I still maintain that Paper 1 was better than Paper 2, but I'm beginning to feel that maybe, just maybe, I did so badly in Paper 1 I didn't KNOW I was screwed. Let's not even talk about the S papers. I'm definitely going to be in need of some Ben&Jerry's therapy come D-Day. And some moral support too. I am NOT looking forward to sympathetic glances from tutors with prior knowledge on the morning of the release. SIGH.

For now though, all I can do is pray for the serenity to accept what I deserve, and be thankful for what I probably don't.

The whole issue of the respect for religion vs. freedom of speech has been playing on my mind ever since the Danish newspaper issue came to light. I guess it's in these kind of situations where you realise the value of having a responsible media. My stand on the issue? Respect for religion comes first, and foremost. There's a fine line between the right to freedom of speech, and the abuse of freedom of speech. Purposefully antagonising a group of people who already feel antagonised falls short of the intelligence, sensitivity and all else a cultured society the Europeans claim to have should possess. While I don't believe a whole country should be blamed for the irresponsible actions of a group of people, I do think leaders could have been more forthcoming in their reassurance of the Muslims. It's easy to feel oppressed when you feel like a minority. I think Singapore did a pretty good job of coming clean with their opinions on the issue. While I don't agree with the means of protest - violence never solved anything, and only turns potential sympathisers against you, I do see why they're protesting. Just because the western world, and face it, most Christians, have let our guard down against blasphemy against our God, it shouldn't blind us to the fact that people do feel strongly about their religion, and we should respect that. And it's not just my two cents worth either. "How do you feel about the murder of the Catholic priest in Turkey?" somebody asked me. "Doesn't it make you angry?" Of course it does. What makes me angrier is that extremists have the excuse, handed to them on a platter, to 'prove' that they are being oppressed, and should, thus, take revenge; that people have been given a reason to confuse an individual cartoonist, expressing his opinion, with a whole range of people: white, european, christian. My stand is clear. The Danish and other newspapers were wrong to have printed the cartoon. The cartoonist may have the freedom to express his feelings in his art, that's fine. But the newspapers, as influential media, have the responsibilty to prevent the worsening of an already precarious situation. I'm not advocating censorship. I'm advocating responsibility of the press in an already divided world. I'm not condoning violent retaliation and protests - I'm saying the agitation some world leaders are refusing to sooth with a full apology is understandable.

Doesn't it strike anybody as sad, no, more than that, terrible, that Christians rarely raise so much as a whisper when our God is blasphemed? That sometimes, we do it ourselves? Freedom of Speech was a concept created to respect the individual's rights. When it over-rides the most basic desire of most individuals, to respect and honour his God, does that not strike you as fundamentally and woefully wrong? Some things should remain sacred, and in my list, reckless, irresponsible and insensitive freedom of speech hardly comes up tops.

What is the clash between then? A kid in one of my classes put it well. It isn't a clash between civilisations, certainly not one between religions. It's freedom of speech vs. respect for religion. And I don't know about you, but I sure hope the latter wins.

I think I know what's wrong with my feet. TOE JAM. Yuck.

Random Quote: No milk today. It wasn't always so. The company was gay. ~Herman's Hermits.

Musings

so what am i, if i am not what i am

I actually had a lot to talk about. Then blogger loaded and my mind went blank. Maybe that has something to do with my glance to my unfinished psc essay, which I told myself I would finish before the end of the CNY holidays. Some time ago that was I think. Arghhh.

Anyway, I'm signing up for driving lessons tomorrow. Passed my btt last week, so next stop pdl. I love these acronyms.

Had a talk (well kind of) with a friend on what makes a person...well, a person. Or rather, what forms someone's identity. And I realised that, at least in the society we live in, a person's identity is very much molded by the category he is put in. I suppose I've always known that. The conversation just made it clearer. From the time we are kids we're told how we, as a category, should act. So kids in neighbourhood schools are supposed to be rougher and louder; girls from all-girls schools are supposed to be messed up, at least at some point in their lives; normal ac kids are supposed to have a chip on their shoulders; normal tech kids are hopeless and thus free to be delinquent; express kids should only have one aim, that is, jc and gep kids should only go to one jc. Maybe my perceptions are flawed, but this much is true. So many kids, up till now, when we're hardly kids anymore, are defined by who they were told they were at 9 and 12.

I'm too sleepy to finish this. Perhaps I'll pick it up again the next time I blog, perhaps not. For now, it's finish psc essay, look through reflections time. G'nite.

Things I noticed during CNY 2006

1. The roads are empty, other than the occasional car packed full of cheongsam/chinese motiff/generally red wearing 3 generational family, complete with maid(s).

2. The trains are empty, other than the occasional group of cheongsam/chinese motiff/generally red wearing 3 generational family, usually without maid(s).

3. The shopping malls are empty, aside from the lunch/in-between-visit-snack-break chionging clusters of somewhat cheongsam/chinese motiff/not always red wearing most of the time 2 generational (or young couple or group of friends) groups, almost always without maid(s).

4. The top floor of Tampines Mall, where GV is, is full. And all above-mentioned groups are well-represented. It was the first day of CNY! FAMILY VISITING people. Thanks to them I was stuck in the front row of the theatre watching I Not Stupid Too. Painful it was. The seat, not the movie. The boys have grown up quite nicely. And I cried. Having normal tech girls as friends make it all the more real.

You know, CNY is the one festival in Singapore which has the ability to make it effectively close down. It is only during CNY that I realise how majority the majority Chinese really is. Almost ALL my favourite stalls are closed, and the shopping malls are ghost towns. A little depressing, but I had people to visit too, so it wasn't too bad.

Talking about people to visit, I promised photos of my 3 new siblings, so here they are:

That's K, J and M, who are gonna kill me if and when they see this. *grin.

Of course there's more where that comes from (I'm under strict orders not to say exactly where that is). Think I'll just post a picture of the extended family.

I know the Youth Min is gonna revolutionise this year. And not just in our Church, but in churches everywhere.

It's the 2nd day of CNY, and I've done none of the things I told myself I'll do. I should just get started shouldn't I. Seeing that I'll be out most of tomorrow, and I anticipate a small distraction later today :p

Later then. Oh and nic, if you actually find this, leave a comment yeah? I havn't seen you in AGES.

Ahhh.

So much cleaner this skin, no? I know quite a few people would approve.

Anyway, I realised I havn't posted about my current state of employment. Currently it's from 7.30am to about 3ish in the afternoon, after which I come home to recuperate for a while before I'm off again, whether for music min or, in a couple of weeks, driving lessons. I'm happily enthused by my daytime occupation though, although I suspect it's still smooth going because of the lack of assignments currently due. We'll see by next week. 26+26+19+22 300-word reflections should be interesting.

Last night I watched Sing me a Story at the Esplanade - Lee Macdonald and George Chan, if my memory serves me correctly. Amazing fun. And not a few eye candy moments either, although there is a slightly higher than average possibility that they swing the other way. OH well. Would like to go for more of those though. My long-buried love for theatre is beginning to get restless. Wish I had never quit S&D. Wonder how hard it would be to get into the scene now...

Hmm. Rather truncated, that last paragraph. My words just aren't flowing, which is not good, considering the fact that I'm still not done with my psc essay. I'm actually struggling to finish the FIRST paragraph. I really really really need to start writing again. Oh and I'm so screwed for the duathlon. Gai darling we aren't really competing are we? I'll buy you a sundae when we lose I promise. I cycled 5k yesterday and it took me half an hour because my butt hurt. And then there's the road run. SIGH what was I thinking.

Right. Time for a bath, then painting my nails. No. Bath, dinner, and paint my nails during the movie, which M should be bringing. I now officially have, by the way, 4 other siblings. One's real, that's Babe, then there's M and J, the latter of which is Babe's twin, and K. I'm not sure where she fits in the hierachy, but there you go. Oh and of course Rascal, Teddy and Junior. I'll put up pictures soon enough.

Happy CNY y'all.

RANDOM QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm hungry. I want a banana." ~ Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks, "Japanese Banana".

p.s. Watching Memoirs on Tues. Havn't read the book (yes, there are books I havn't read) yet so it should be interesting. Plaza Singapura, ehque. *grin.

Priorities

I think at some point in their lives, everybody reaches a stage where the phrase "get your priorities right", previously translated into "stop playing, start studying" becomes a lot more complicated. It happens when responsibilities (and thus privileges) morph from scoring in exams (and going out with friends as a reward) to (almost) real work and many new groups of friends, and the need to maintain old groups of friends as well as responsibility to the family. And it's even more complex when friends feel like family, but you know they aren't. And that family is still family.

And sometimes what you should do isn't the same as what you want to do. Or worse yet, you want to know what you should do, but you also want to do something else at the same time. And you ask yourself, who makes the final decision. Do you finally do something because youhave to, or because you want to. Or do you make yourself want to do things you have to, so that you feel better about it. But then that would mean, eventually, that you're doing things other people want you to do. Which really isn't the best way to live your life. Unless it's God we're talking about, but that's really another issue altogether.

Taking all that into consideration, what happens when priorities clash. Like, when two issues are on the same priority level, and they both demand to be handled. What then? Choose a favourite? Or the one that would seem to need more help. Do we do things we like to do, or things we want to do. Is freedom in the choosing, or the choice? Or is it in what we do with what we have chosen. Is there really and truly freedom there at all?

Nobody ever said it would be a smooth ride.

And just so I remember. I'd rather be lonely single, than unhappily attached. Remind me.

Just because.

4 Jobs you've had in your life.

Research Assistant at Science Discovery Centre
Catechist in Church
Relief Teaching
Older Sister to numerous kids.

4 Movies you could watch over and over again.

The Sound of Music
Love Actually
Sister Act
Under the Tuscan Sky (or something like that)

4 TV shows you love to watch.

FBEye
CSI wherever
Friends (yes, I know it's over)
You know, I'm really not much of a TV person...

4 Places you've lived.

Norma Terrace, Singapore
Jalan Bangsawan, Singapore
3 hours from London in my aunty's house, England
In a motel opposite Disneyland, Los Angeles

4 Places you've been on vacation to.

Amsterdam
Zurich
Frankfurt
Las Vegas


4 Places you'd rather be.

Cambridge
Montmarde
Solvankg
That beach outside Macdonald's in Brisbane

4 of your favourite foods.

Fish and Chips
Mee Pok
Shepherd's Pie
BROWNIES.

4 of your favourite drinks.

Water
Iced Milo
Soya Bean
Ribena

4 Websites you visit daily.
Enroute
Neopets (Yes. Close your mouth. And put down those rakes.)
Yahoo!
The PSC Homepage (I know. Bordering on obsessive.)

4 people you're tagging.

toot
the red one
wz
ehque

There.

"You know there's something seriously wrong with your life when your ice cubes don't float in your water." ~My Sister.

My 100th post. And typical Vanessa line. Enjoy.

Caution: Random rambling ahead.

I'm not depressed. I'm just contemplative. And that usually leads to morose-like appearances.

It's hard to translate thoughts and feelings on how things should be into how things are. It's even harder when everybody agrees on how things should be, but hardly anybody agrees that's the way we want things to be. Knowing right, choosing left. And as frustrating as it is, I hardly have the courage to turn right on my own. I fear too much. I fear to lose too much. Even when I know there's so much more to be gained.

Am I a substitute person? Like, the person between people, who's there so that other people don't crash and burn, but have a safety net they bounce off. And away. But that never retains, because it's just reflex to let go. A safety mechanism. So that letting go doesn't sting, it actually feels right. Even if perhaps it isn't.

I think they call it growing pains.

and a spirit-filled 2006

Happy New Year you all :)

It's been a packed week, and I havnt slept earlier than 12 for the last 5 or so days. Of course the plus side was that I didn't wake up before 8 for most of those days, save Friday of course. I'm a teacher! Woot.

This isn't gonna be a take stock of 2005, here's what to come in 2006 post, but I can hardly avoid saying that we're now planted firmly at the beginning of a brand new, probably life-changing year. There's this sense of tentativeness, of not knowing really what's to come. Of wondering if I did myself justice in the exams that could decide where I go and what I do for the next couple of years, of moments of panic and impatience for the news to just be over and done with so I can start making concrete plans. But also of excitement, of the knowledge that I'm on the cusp of a brilliant life in His Plan even failure can't take away. Of great love, Love I can feel by my side, see in the faces and hear in the laughter and even tears of family and friends. Of great joy, just to be alive, to wake up in the morning to a sparkling day - and an old but new, potentially intimidating but just as exciting destination every Monday to Friday, starting this Tuesday. And just to make tootsie happy, here's my 10 things i want to do before i turn 25 (Random and totally relevant).

1. Drive.
2. Finish uni and be a fully-qualified teacher.
3. Go overseas on my own.
4. See the Youth Min in OLPS grow to fulfil what it's meant to do.
5. Learn to roller blade.
6. Fall in true, everlasting love.
7. Be in a dance troupe, at least for a while.
8. Go for World Youth Day, wherever it is held.
9. Visit Jerusalem.
10. Go to Vatican City, Rome.

Quite do-able really, if you think about it.

Much to do this year, and much to be. But secure in the knowledge that I'm never alone.

G'bye for now folks, off to watch War and Peace. Happy New Year again, and may it be a spirit-filled one for all.

Cuz we're living for the glory of Your Name.

in love

Well there's been lots of love going around this last week. First there was Jase and Caroline's wedding...the party at penny black ROCKED. Ooh and I did get to wear that pretty lace blouse :) Then there was grad. Lots of love and extra to go around - everybody was gorgeous, but I didn't take enough photos.

But the highlight of it all, and by all I mean all year and possibly more, was Youth in the Spirit Seminar 2005 - Revolutionary Love. It was, and is, amazing. I've never felt such immense peace, overflowing joy and such sure-ness that God was, is and always will be there. And so many questions were answered too, so many insecurities and painful memories allayed. And you know what, unlike most camps, the feeling has stayed. It's been...9 days? And I still wake up with a smile on my face and an incomparable joy in my heart. The high has gone of course, but the substance has stayed. I don't know if I've changed, but there's just so much security, so much feeling of being loved, just for who I am, regardless of what I say or do. It's like - nothing anybody says can bring me down. Even if it does, I remember the love, and...I'm up again. And then there's the community I've found. The community of God-loving people, people I respect and want to emulate, people who make me laugh and aren't afraid to show they care. People who genuinely want to know more about God, who genuinely live out their faith. Who make mistakes, and tell us about them so that we don't make the same. It's like a whole new family. And I stand amazed.

And you know that song, "Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year. All I want is one thing. Tell me my true love is here. All I want, just for me, underneath my Christmas tree. I'll be waiting here - Santa that's my only wish this year." Well, I was in the car yesterday, and I heard it on the radio. And it suddenly struck me. My true love is here. He's been here since the day I was born. Since before, when I was formed in my mother's womb. He's here, and not just under the Christmas tree, but everywhere I go. Right next to me, as I blog. Sitting beside me on the train. Laughing with me as I play. And He came, in the flesh, 2000 years ago, in a little stable in Bethlehem, born to a simple virgin. And when He left to return to His Father in Heaven, He sent His Paraclete, the Holy Spirit...God too...the mystery of the Trinity. And He doesn't care how good we've been this year, or last year, or even next year. There's nothing we can do to deserve Him. He's made the ultimate sacrifice, dying on the cross for our sins. All He wants is for us to realise that He's here, to love Him to the best of our faulty human abilities, to live according to His Way. And that realization...was probably the best Christmas gift I could ever have.

So here's to all. Merry Christmas, and keep love in your hearts. Meet next year's challenges with the knowledge that you are, and always will be loved, no matter what. I'm gonna be too busy to blog for a while, and so here are my Christmas wishes for you, whichever religion (or non-religion) you belong to: May God bless and keep you. May God's face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace. Amen.

blackbird fly

The Beatles rock I tell you. And Herman's Hermits. And Sgt. Peppers. And Gilbert O'Sullivan. The list goes onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Like most of my plans, things to do for the last 3 days just did not come through. Fortunately though, they were a blast anyway. I've been...let's see. Shopping. Shopping. And oooooh Shopping. I've got this absolutely adorably pleated denim skirt, and this oh so feelgood white v-neck blouse with a lace back. Now to get my dad to let me wear it...

Then there's Jase's wedding tomorrow. I've finally decided on the list of songs to play for the reception, and the flutist came over yesterday so we've got the two performance songs worked out. Still really nervous though. Eeeeak so much for being comfortable in front of crowds. What I'm really looking forward to is the atmosphere. I love Eurasian weddings...everybody's determined to have fun. Then Clarke Quay at night, and the possibility of jamming...tomorrow's gonna be so nice.

What I'm actually supposed to be doing now is clearing up my study room. And when I'm done with that, my bedroom. Both don't look very appealing. Or do-able, for that matter. Exactly what am I supposed to do with 3 years of painstakingly crafted notes? Just THROW them away??? And what about all those messages (like Val, lifesuckz) and roar. and I rock (not me, usually). Disregard? *sob*

Well I should really get cracking, shouldn't I. And all those christmas cards to write. Christmas! I loooove christmas :)

p.s. the As are over. And I've got a job for next year. And 3 conditional offers. Woot. *grinz*

Two Papers to go

Two Papers I'm no where near ready for. I havn't even touched Lit S. Well, we'll see.As you'll realise from the photos you'll discover as you peruse this post further, I'm in a nostalgic mood. I really am gonna miss you guys you know. Ohwell. Back to Galbraith.

the last meal (*sob*) 

quite a squeeze 

chirag and me 

chong yang and gang 

aqil and me (the boy really is too tall) 

hafiz and me 

izzat and me (i still think i'm cuter) 

chelle and me 

tiang and me 

tuan and me 

vid and me 

mp10 - 2 + mrbalathecoolrapperdude 

3 days

to freedom.

Paper 4 and 5 was surprisingly enjoyable. Now for the S papers. And THEN...FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I just might enjoy that. I've already got it all planned. (Yes, I'm an incurable list maker.)

29th Nov: Harry Potter with the sister in the afternoon
30th Nov: Get all school stuff sorted out. Clear Study room, pick up dresses.
1st Dec: Clear bedroom. Start on Christmas Cards.
2nd Dec: Possibly PS's choir concert.
3rd Dec: Jason and Caroline's Wedding.
4th Dec: Possibly Love Circle Outing
5th Dec: Grad Nite!
6th Dec: Sign up for driving with Toot. Gift shopping.
7th Dec: Finish Christmas Cards. Lunch and a movie with vid and zid.
8th - 11th Dec: Youth in the Spirit Seminar
12th Dec: Gift shopping. Put up Christmas decorations.
13th Dec: Movie with Jannie (and Chris and Pris?)
14th Dec: Air Hunting!
15th Dec: Gift shopping.

Hmmmm. That's as far as I've gone. Although possibly an NYF party sometime...maybe after Christmas. And a zoo outing with the cat kids. (Well, we're all 19. But still.)

I can't wait. Whahahaha. Definitely not gonna be at a loss for things to do after a while. Speaking of which...

Things to do:
1. Sign up for driving lessons
2. Sign up for french lessons
3. Start with piano again
4. Sign up for jazz/tap lessons
5. Get that Fitness for Dummies book
6. Pick up a couple of jazz standards
7. Look for Catho lit books
8. Check out the National Library! Find some Chaucer, Pinter, and Greek plays.
9. Finish the books I've got but havn't read
10. Youth Min! Finally.
11. Get started on that story that's been running around in my head.

I've got about a thousand and one things more, like drama and learning malay too, and I've got a whole glorious 6-ish months! Add to that possible educational stints in certain favourite places which I won't name till it's confirmed, and it's gonna be FANTABULOUS!

Woot. Gonna go focus on the last two papers now. Later kids.

This post is a celebration of the discovery that I'm not the only one who procrastinates to the point of no return

which is really quite evil, because then we're ALL going to die. But there's always comfort in mass suffering isn't there?

Other than Azzah of course. Who isn't human. And thus isn't counted. Bah.

10 Things I have learnt in the last minute perusal of my Gothic file

1. I have small handwriting.

2. The more I talk about sex and violence, the higher my marks. (Deduce from that what you will.)

3. I was much more hardworking at the beginning of the year.

4. Edgar Allen Poe is a genius. His works are palpably evil, and I dread the pendulum nightmares, but credit must be given where credit is due.

5. Henry James' governess is annoying.

6. Gothic lit students either become depressed maniacs (mantra: nobody loves me everybody hates me i'm gonna eat some worms) or chipmunks on sugar (mantra: life rockz). It's a defence mechanism against the dark forces of opium-fueled minds.

7. I enjoy dark humour - guiltily.

8. The creepiest story I have read so far is still "O Whistle and I'll come to you".

9. "The Erl King" is eeriely hypnotising.

10. I still don't know how to write a structured essay.

Argh. I turn to pick up "Turn of the Screw" and there is a DEAD LIZARD on it. *sob* I don't want to touch that. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh. And Paper 5 on Friday. That's day after tomorrow ainnit. Woe oh woe. I've not touched GOST.

Junior. The 7-month old baby. A bit of a brat, but utterly adorable. Slightly smarter than he looks. 

Teddy. The middle child. Has Issues. 

Rascal! Mine. All Mine. 

I'm Back!

And yes, I know it's not quite December yet. But there's way too much time to the next paper, and I'm bored. So hello blogders, it's me again.

(Cool background music, yes? I wanted Katie Melua's Just Like Heaven, but I can't find it. If anybody does, pass it to me yeah.)

So about the As. Maths Paper 1 was fun, Paper 2 was madness (but primarily because I forgot the variance formula for uniform distribution, and was too peeved to focus properly after that.) I screwed up the GP essay - took 45 minutes on the bloody introduction, but compre was alright. Econs was surprisingly do-able, I actually FINISHED the case study. I've never done that before. Ne-ver. Lit PC on the other hand, was disappointing. Comparing poems was entertaining, but I feel like I didn't do the drama properly. Felt like too much narration, rather than argument. Next up? Gothic on Thurs, BoeyHardyRoy on Fri, Econs S on Mon and Lit S on Tues. Then...FREEDOM. (shut up all you sniggering finishedAlevel/finishingAlevelbeforeme people.)

So yes. And in anticipation of euphoria, I went out last night. (I heard the *gasp*. Stoppit. I'm not THAT much of a recluse.) Had jap dinner at ps's restaurant (no she doesn't own it but it's my blog so I get to call it what I want) then watched Just Like Heaven with ps, aaron, minghui and jeron. The movie's damn sweet lah. Perfect date movie. Unfortunately I wasn't on one, and havn't been on one for an uncomfortably long period of time. Hmm. After the As, I guess. I am, however, neither predatory nor whateveritistheycalledthegirldownstairs. I suppose I'm just gonna have to be patient. Morons.

Grad. Gradgradgrad. It's on. No thanks to lots of isupposevarietymakestheworldgoround people. I've got the dress! And it's pweeeety. Now I need the shoes and the accessories. Post A retail therapy excuse. Hehe. Speaking of Post A, there's a ton of things I want to do. But lunch calls. Delicious curry chicken. Yay Mum. Ttyl darlings...ohhhh and be prepared for a new look. Soon. *grinz*

Good Luck for the As everyone. See you Dec! 

There are no more chocolates in the fridge.

Even the chocs have abandoned me. My life is over.

On a lighter note, I'm anti-relationship again. Whoop. Feel the liberation babes.

Things done today: 1 paper. 1 bloody paper. What did you say Val? Oh yes. My life is over.

Argh I've been tagged (Day 21)

Seven things I plan to do before I die:

1. Teach in a mission school in Africa
2. Fall madly in love, get married, and have 7 kids :) (And still be madly in love through it all)
3. Run barefoot on a beach, with the wind in my hair and the sound of crashing waves in my ears
4. Perform in a bona fide concert
5. Write a book
6. Learn the drums, saxophone, violin, congas (ok yes, i know I'm cheating.)
7. Impact someone's life

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

*erm. I don't have celebrity crushes.

Seven Often Repeated Words/Phrases:

1. Life
2. Rockz :)
3. Uhuh.
4. Ah...
5. *grinz*
6. Will you shut up. (predominantly to my sister. But also to 2 rather tall people.)
7. I'm FAT. *scowls*

Seven Physical Traits I Look For In The Opposite Sex:

1. Smile
2. Eyes
3. Not shorter than me. (Not hard to be.)

*I'm not really into physical. Not really.

Non-physical determinants?

Ah. He's gotta be able to make me laugh even when I want to cry. Definitely must be able to tolerate my sister, because otherwise he wouldn't last. We've gotta click, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Since I'm not really good at expressing my feelings, he's gotta have some amount of security and confidence - preferably more than I have. Funny, serious, sweet, gruff, loving, lovable, nuts, sane (no, he doesn't have to be perfect.) And we've gotta be best best bestest friends.

Seven People I'm Tagging:

1. Jannie
2. Toot
3. Aaron (humour me.)
4. Nessa (if she can find her blog.)
5. Weizhen
6. Dhanabanana
7. Linus. If only to get him to blog again.

Right. So that's that.

Farewell was today. Nice :) Pics will be up shortly.

Well. 21 days. Interview's in a week, exactly. I think I'm reading up more for the interview and written test than studying for the As. Haha. OHwell.

Y, if you actually do read this, take care of yourself yeah. Worry-er. Hmph. And have fun.
A, I know you read this. Tendonitis. Genius. Age shouldnt be the issue.
M, if you need to talk, msg anytime yeah.

Yam. Hmm.

Bye-o.





Once a TJcian, Always a TJcian.

Well, it's finally almost over isn't it. 3 years in TJ, 2 days to go. I'm never really any good at reminisces. They tend to get stuck somewhere between my heart and my throat. But every single person I've met at tj has affected me, somehow, in some way - whether it was a good or a bad experience. I've met tutors who've inspired me, and tutors whom I never want to be like. I've met friends I want to keep for a lifetime, and people whom I never want to see again. I've done things which I will remember always - and some things I just want to forget. No, wait. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. That I have done, that I want to forget. Every single person, every single action - even actions which I now wish I had done differently - has changed me in ways I never thought possible. And now, 2 days from Farewell (after all, we all know Grad is just an excuse to party), I want to put it on record that I've never, and will never, regret a single second of my JC life. I don't regret doing science for 1 and 3/4 years, then switching to arts. I don't regret doing music, and then dropping it. I don't regret (cannot regret) running for council and joining the guitar club, and making some of the best friends I have in my life. And there is no way I regret doing an extra year - if only for the beautiful people I got to know. mp10, the brat posse (a somewhat overlapping distinction, but nvm), dumbass utd, and everybody else from 3304 (tutors included - Mrs. Than, Mrs. Yong, Mr. Low, Mr. Hunter, Mrs. Lofthouse, Mr. Rajesh, Mrs. Lau, Mr. Walker, and even Mr. Bala and Mr. Thompson), vidhi, gayah, chong yang and gang, yasmin and faisal, aqil, prap, izzat, fiz, tiang and the rest of the 28th, raz, nadzira, sean and the other debators, the junior guitar club, the 29th...and everybody else. And then there's the fact that I've discovered what I really want to do. And my passion for lit. And grown more than I would have thought possible. I suppose I am blessed with an attitude which compels me to maximise the potential of the situation, no matter where I may end up, but TJ has given me a lot. And I'll have nothing but good memories of my years here. Even of the bad memories. If that makes sense to anyone at all.

So to all those I've known in TJ, thank you. Good luck. I'll miss you. And I love you - but you already knew that, didn't you? :)

Day 25

I got the interview. :)

And i think i'm getting old. I can't mass dance like I used to...my WHOLE body aches. pfft.

Right. Hitting the books. I've finally got a visible goal, and a lot is at stake.

Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.

Day 27

Fast, isn't it?

Maths Mock wasn't too bad. I think I'm finally building up speed. And the peace I get is here to stay :) Lost 5 pounds, whoop. And girls, we WILL dress up for grad, no matter what the others do, yes? Dress casual for grad...utter rubbish.

Now if I can just sort my feelings out. At least they're manage-able enough to put at the back of my head till after the As. Always be grateful for the small things.

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow found you and I collide.

Day 29

I was pretty productive today. Finished 3 maths papers and went to church. Then came back, had dinner, and spent an hour deciding on what song to put on blog (thank you wz)

So in order of decision (and subsequent change of mind)
1. How did I fall in love with you (too depressing)
2. Bounce Baby (too assertive)
3. Aphrodisiac (too suggestive)
4. Two Steps Behind You (sweet, but overplayed)
5. Some French Song (to quote za: "too houston-ish". no offence houston darling, but it WAS. heh.)
6. She's No You (jesse mccartney, almost perfect, but too happy)
7. Show me the meaning of Being Lonely (really too bloody depressing)
8. One Last Dance. (Probably the most depressing of the lot, but since it should not really strike a chord with me, I let it go. Besides. It's Taufik. *grinz*)

So, yeah. I've been doing way too much maths. And i still don't feel prepared for tomorrow. Ohwell.

wow.

It just hit me that if everything goes as planned, this time next year I'll be into my 2nd week in Cambridge.

Wow.

Val, your subconscious mind is driven most by Curiosity

This means you are full of questions about life, people, and the potential of your future. You spend more time than others envisioning the possibilities of your life — things that others are too afraid to consider.Your curiosity burns with an almost physical need to know and do more. It's only through new experiences that you feel a greater understanding of yourself or the world — which ultimately is the greatest way for you to feel satisfied.

It is possible that the underlying reason for your drive towards curiosity is a deeply rooted fear of boredom. That means that you are probably more susceptible than others to feel like you're falling into a rut when life slows down into a comfortable routine. You need to make sure you have stimulation in your life — that makes you feel like you're innovating or being exposed to the ideas and experiences that truly inspire you.

With such a strong orientation towards curiosity, you're also prone to a rebellious quality that shows up when you feel you are just going through the motions, and are unable to really influence the world around you. But interestingly enough, your drive towards novel experiences also indicates an openness others don't have, but wish they did. Unconsciously, your curiosity presses you to learn more, experience more, and get the most out of life.

"Study, Valerie Anne Nunis."

i love you i love you i love you ~ Baby Kochamma

Lit is just downright depressing. At least, the lit we're doing now. But all I've really been doing this week is maths - I havn't even TOUCHED econs. I'll start that today.

30 days kids. We'll ace this one together - and throw 3304 a huge party once it's over, ok? Aside from grad, which looks like it's gonna happen :) So it'll be grad, and then a 3304 celebration. What say you?

I came online with things to say, but I can't remember what. (So it's not just you, aaron.) Which really doesn't bode well for my fact retention abilities does it. This is a far cry from secondary school when my classmates and I could pretty much easily memorize 3 page chinese essays. Argh. Speaking of which, I really should brush up on my mandarin. I havn't spoken written or read it in ages, and I really don't want to waste 10 years of working up to A1 standard.

And sy (and the other girls) I've decided where guys are concerned, I'm gonna leave it till after the As. Too much to brood about, and like I said the exams are depressing enough without adding in guy problems. or as it stands, non-problems.

My background song is beginning to depress me. Hold on while I take it off.
(Edit: New background song is also Jesse Mccartney. Because You Live.)

OK. Much better. Here's today's things to do then:
1. MJ paper
2. VJ paper
3. Boey essay
4. International Trade
5. OLPS Feast Day

I can do anything in Him who sustains me.

Warning: This post will be rather complex.

First off. I went to take a look at the TJ forums for the first time in over a year - drawn there by previous whinging on the state of our grad night, I decided to see what the (usually) enthu and opiniated forummers had to say. Well, nobody had new ideas, and the complaints were the same as what we all hear: too expensive, prom wasn't good so grad won't be, and most annoyingly, nobody's going. I was annoyed, to say the least, and posted a spur of the moment reply. Here's hoping it doesn't backfire on me:

"oh honestly. I'm sorry if this is offensive, but I can't for the life of me see why some people can save to spend over a $100 on clothes and stuff, and can't save $85 for a night to remember. I've got friends who are scholars too - at least last year, and sure they had to save. But because they wanted to go, they saved *shrugz*. As would we all. And to clarify things, there will NOT be mass dance. The herd mentality IS annoying, and what's more annoying is that those who do want to go for grad won't be able to if not enough people sign up. Come on TJcians. Grad can only be what you make it. We could have Coldplay (or Jay Chou for the otherwise inclined) come down for grad, but if everybody is as determined to NOT ENJOY IT as they seem to be, it'll be a flop. Stop comparing, and start figuring out how YOU can make it the best night of your jc life. Don't go for the SC. Don't go for the tutors. Go because it's YOUR grad. The culmination of 2 (or 3) yrs in jc. Go because if you don't, you'll never ever have experienced a graduation night. Go because it's your last night EVER as a TJcian. And if you didn't enjoy TJ, go because it'll give you fodder to whine more about it. But for goodness sakes, GO."

Yeah.

Now for other things. I'm not panicked anymore. 34 days, schedule off-kilter, but I'm not panicked. I'll do what I must and leave the rest up to Him.

I've been going for Mass everyday - predominantly because the Redemptorists are doing a novena to the Eucharist this week, and they never fail to draw me. I'm glad I'm going too - there's an infinite sense of peace at Mass - a sense of peace that never really does leave me. So don't worry jinx, I'm in good hands :) I'll probably keep going, even after they finish the novena, because I'm beginning to realise how much I need it. And I'm happy.

"Infinnate Joy." ~Rahel

I've just been hit by a panic attack. I don't know when's the last time I've felt so scared. Staring at questions where I don't even know where to start. And dealing with the plethora of what-ifs. I'm no worse off than most of you, but it scares me all the same.

There's just no limit to the extent to which I could let myself down.

Help.

Let's make this clear straight off, ok?

• I will not tolerate gay/guy/les/girl bashing on my tagboard
• I will not tolerate racist/sexist insinuations on my tagboard
• I will not get involved with any fights you kids have with each other

Got it? So any posts which fall into the above categories will be deleted, and if repeated, banned.

Owkie. The econs symposium wasn't quite as boring as we feared it would be, and I had just about the best 2 days (discounting of course my abysmal econs and maths results). I've got the two bestest girl friends in the world. I've been staring at the screen for about 10 minutes, and still havn't found the words to sufficiently describe how much i love and appreciate them. And those who know me know I'm rarely at a loss for words. So I guess that would have to suffice. :)

Should I get a webcam? It looks like fun. Hrm.

Well the study schedule has started. 38 days. Full steam ahead people.

For the curious, prelims was an ACE. Disappointing, but what I deserve I guess. Aside from econs, which I totally screwed up, having failed all my essays (and landing on the recieving end of a "Study, Valerie Anne Nunis", courtesy of Mrs. Beetsma). It's probably the most frustrating result, because I sacrificed studying both lit AND maths (and for maths it showed, for lit too...paper 5 could have easily killed my A) to do econs. A highly unrewarding endeavour let me tell you. But enough. There's only so much which is really within our control - so that which is within my control, I'll keep control of.

Bon jour mon cheries (cherries. hrm.) - nydc is just a day away MWAhahaha.

And thanks, jinx.

Credits: Song in background is Jesse Mccartney's Take Your Sweet Time. Not only is the music unbelievably hypnotic, his voice melt-worthy, but the words are - perfect. Would that someone had said this, long time ago.

My maths results were so bad, they were almost laughable. And laugh I did, at lunch with vidhidarling, which was wonderful. We ate so much. I've never eaten so much EVER. Calamari and lamb chops (me) fried mushrooms and sticky chewy chocolate sundae (vidhi) mint ice cream fries an EARTHQUAKE. Amazing.

Lit tomorrow I hope. My study timetable has started. 42 days. We'll survive kids. We always do.

Maybe that someone should have been me.

Here we go

Well the prelims are almost over. I've just got 2 s papers on Monday and that will be that - although after Monday we have exactly (sorry jinx) 42 days to the As, so I suppose I shouldn't relax toooo much. Still, taking no break now would be suicidal, and so I have lined up the following calender of events:

1) Tuesday, 27th Sept: Lunch and ice cream with vidhi darling. Who never fails to make me laugh, even when I want to cry. (And that, love, will have to suffice for a testimonial. At least till after the As.)

2) Wednesday, 28th Sept: Open slot, but I think a class lunch would be nice, what do u guys say? *grinz*

3) Thursday, 29th Sept: Lunch (and very possibly dinner) with tootsie. Whom I absolutely adore, and who has kindly proposed VOLUNTARILY to treat me. (Pay attention other lunchees :p)

4) Friday, 30 Sept: Lunch with jannie, my other bestie from kc. I havn't seen her in AGES. Honestly. Miss ya babe. Maybe a late movie with zid and wz. Maybe.

5) Saturday, 1 Oct: If late movie doesn't work out, maybe lunch. (I don't like maybes. Pfft. But there's still after the As, yes I know. In the meantime work on your affection handling skills darling.)

6) Sunday, 2 Oct: Lunch and a movie with aaron and ps. I want to watch Cinderella Man! Grr.

Yes. So as you can see, Next week would be an almost no-study period. Almost. I'm hoping to slip in some studying so that when I actually do get down to studying on the 3rd, I wouldn't have forgotten EVERYTHING completely. I can hardly believe it's slightly more than a month to the As. It's been 3 years coming, so I guess it's only natural for it to still seem to be forever away.

I honestly honestly can't wait for the As to be over. Not only because of all the things I will be able to do once it is over, but also because I feel like I'm not paying enough attention and giving enough time to things I should be paying more attention and giving more time to. There's Youth Ministry of course, and the lounge linus and I were thinking about. But there's also an idea milling around in my mind - and it has been milling around for some time, about an apologetics youth magazine. You know, kinda like useful defense (and occasionally attack) ammunition. We'll see. And of course 4/7, who have had numerous class get-togethers already this year, but none of which I could go for. I feel immeasurably guilty, and thus propose a Christmas party. Whoop. Whay say you girls? Haha.

My guitar and piano skills have almost totally blown. Apart from angst filled Mozart Sonatas (yes, that is possible) everytime I get thoroughly pissed off at the As or random people, and pounding Beethoven Impromptus which drive my sister and Rascal up the wall, I have hardly been playing. As for guitar - I think it's been reduced to random GCGeDbE patterns, which are hardly any fun alone. I tried to play Classical Gas yesterday and nearly bled myself. Speaking of self-induced pain, I've finally gotten an epilator. I don't think the boys will know what it is, but the girls who do...OUCH. Like major ouch. Sigh, the things we do for vanity.

Right. Back to Shakespeare then. I've got a dread feeling I might actually do better for S paper then Lit and Econs itself, which is in itself horrendously funny, but of no practical use. Ohwell. So is life. I could quote Gloucester here and say "As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; They kill us for their sport", but I have more faith in my God, and to Him my life is owed. There are many things I don't and will never understand, (and this extends far beyond Keynes and Conrad) but because He lives, life rockz.

Whoop. That just says it all, doesn't it.

Now I won't do a rundown of the prelims, because it'll be depressing for me, and just dead boring for you. So, in summary, it was abysmal. BUT the whole idea is to peak at the As, yes? So peak I will.

Got my first letter from Cambridge today. All it said was to sign a form for data-release, but it felt good anyway, seeing the stamp "airmail" and "CAMBRIDGE". Nice.

My darling senior got me a meego *grinz* and it's really pretty. BUT i can't find it on my msn. As in, according to meegos.com it's been installed, but according to my msn, it isn't. *scowls*

I'm 19 years and 6 days old. Old. "What a funny word old was on its own, Rahel thought, and said it to herself. Old." Ditto.

And on an almost totally unrelated but somewhat linked note, there's so much to be lived. To do, and to be. Life Rockz.

I smell like body shop vanilla bath. *big smile*

Right. My opinion that I screwed up Maths Paper 1 has been confirmed by someone in the know. After about half an hour of trying to calm myself down, I've decided there's no point in stressing over it. Paper 2, prepare to be demolished.

Finished Gothic today. Like, wow. I actually finished something I planned to do. Did a bit of stats too - for an odd reason however, I still don't feel like I'm in the middle of my prelims. Anybody with me on that?

Nothing much happened today really. So I'll stop blogging now.

Plans

Well ok, it wasn't so bad. I screwed up Maths Paper 1, but there's still Paper 2. Might have answered the second PC question wrong (darn prose), but there's still Papers 4 and 5. AND, the ultimate aim is the As.

So here is my plan, and I'm so gonna stick to it.

While the prelims are on, I'll focus on the prelims. Roy today, and Gothic and Stats tomorrow. Boey on Friday, and Hardy and Stats on Saturday. IM DE and Vectors on Sunday, and a thorough revision of all Macro topics too. Revision of all Maths and Econs on Monday, and on Tuesday I'll do Lit Paper 5 Revision again. Wednesday I'm gonna mug Econs micro in earnest, getting all the theories down. Thursday it'll be Shakespeare, Friday Macro. Saturday the novels, and Sunday whatever notes I may have made. Monday's the last of the prelim papers, and I'm giving myself the rest of the week off. Hint here to ppl who owe me NYDC. Person, actually. Oh and to darling Tootsie and Jannie, yes we'll go out then. And Yazid and Weizhen, I still wanna watch Lords of Dogtown.

1st October though, will spell the beginning of my intensive A level schedule. I mean intensive. Yes I'll still be blogging, yes I might come online sometimes. But I'll still focus - I've finally managed to find a way to stop myself from daydreaming.

In the meantime though, I'll be exercising. 5 pounds off by the end of this month - I'm down 2 already. Jogging really does help. AND it gives me this adrenaline rush. I've still got flabby arms though, but the weight lifting might help.

And by the end of my As, preferably I would have dropped at least 8 pounds. I saw this gorgeous dress which is so mine for Grad - I can fit it already, it's just a bit tight around my hips. So that would be redeeemed, and the dress will be miiiinne. *enter evil laughter*

Right. That's it for today. Good luck everybody for prelims, and overdue uni projects, and mood-swingy selves. It's gonna be a great 19th year.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

This is an attempt to breathe.

I don't believe I'm blogging the night before prelims. This obsession has got to stop.

I am majorly screwed.

And it's all my fault.

The temptation to swear has never been so great.

Why do they have to start us off with the most horrendous papers? (Ok. Most horrendous for non-history economics students.)

I hate me.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Humour me.

I want kinder buenoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Ok, I admit it. I can't abstain from blogging for nuts. There. Now I shall make a new resolution: Never again to resolve to abstain from blogs.

Pilfered off my best friend's blog (i love you tootsie :)). See what you do is play your media player on random, and pick the first 11 songs. Chronologically. Be honest.

1. What do you think of me, Random Music Player?
Perfect - Simple Plan. Nice.

2. Will I have a happy life?
Ditty - Paper Boy. Erm.

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Give It All Up - The Corrs. I'm not sure if that's a good thing...

4. How can I make myself happy?
We've Got it Going On - Backstreet Boys. Haha. I forgot to add: LEGALLY.

5. What should I do with my life?
Testify to Love - Avalon. Amen.

6. Can you give me some advice?
Why Not - Hillary Duff. That was a rhetorical question. What I was really asking for was...oh nevermind.

7. What do you think happiness is?
Dare You to Move - Switchfoot. I have no idea what to make of that.

8. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Witch Doctor - Cartoons. Ooo eee ooo ahh ahh ching chang wala wala bing bang? Owwwkie.

9. A song for me?
Hey Mama - Black Eyed Peas. Brilliant. Mum again.

10. What will tomorrow be like?
Don't Stop till You Get Enough - Michael Jackson. Even inanimate objects seem to think I havn't studied enough.

11. What will next year be like?
Still Dreaming - Koan. Oh. Dear.

Haha that was fun. Ok back to the books. I'm surprisingly unpanicked. Not sure if that's a good sign.

In my study room, during an oestrogen-filled discussion of our crushes:

Ness: (to me) You look happy. You look like you're in luuuurrve.

Me: *glares*

Ness: Romance isn't just about boy-girl relationships. You can have a romance with what you're studying. I, for one, am intimate with my book.

Me: That is wrong. That is just so wrong.

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

You're a Shy Kisser

You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out But you've got plenty of intensity in return

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I repeat. NOT blogging. So what if I'm suddenly into kisses huh.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 86% Pure

You've hardly ever been kissed But the kisses you've given are very missed

Kissing Purity Test

Doing random rubbish tests online and posting them on a blog does NOT count as blogging.