chelle and me 

tiang and me 

tuan and me 

vid and me 

mp10 - 2 + mrbalathecoolrapperdude 

3 days

to freedom.

Paper 4 and 5 was surprisingly enjoyable. Now for the S papers. And THEN...FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I just might enjoy that. I've already got it all planned. (Yes, I'm an incurable list maker.)

29th Nov: Harry Potter with the sister in the afternoon
30th Nov: Get all school stuff sorted out. Clear Study room, pick up dresses.
1st Dec: Clear bedroom. Start on Christmas Cards.
2nd Dec: Possibly PS's choir concert.
3rd Dec: Jason and Caroline's Wedding.
4th Dec: Possibly Love Circle Outing
5th Dec: Grad Nite!
6th Dec: Sign up for driving with Toot. Gift shopping.
7th Dec: Finish Christmas Cards. Lunch and a movie with vid and zid.
8th - 11th Dec: Youth in the Spirit Seminar
12th Dec: Gift shopping. Put up Christmas decorations.
13th Dec: Movie with Jannie (and Chris and Pris?)
14th Dec: Air Hunting!
15th Dec: Gift shopping.

Hmmmm. That's as far as I've gone. Although possibly an NYF party sometime...maybe after Christmas. And a zoo outing with the cat kids. (Well, we're all 19. But still.)

I can't wait. Whahahaha. Definitely not gonna be at a loss for things to do after a while. Speaking of which...

Things to do:
1. Sign up for driving lessons
2. Sign up for french lessons
3. Start with piano again
4. Sign up for jazz/tap lessons
5. Get that Fitness for Dummies book
6. Pick up a couple of jazz standards
7. Look for Catho lit books
8. Check out the National Library! Find some Chaucer, Pinter, and Greek plays.
9. Finish the books I've got but havn't read
10. Youth Min! Finally.
11. Get started on that story that's been running around in my head.

I've got about a thousand and one things more, like drama and learning malay too, and I've got a whole glorious 6-ish months! Add to that possible educational stints in certain favourite places which I won't name till it's confirmed, and it's gonna be FANTABULOUS!

Woot. Gonna go focus on the last two papers now. Later kids.

This post is a celebration of the discovery that I'm not the only one who procrastinates to the point of no return

which is really quite evil, because then we're ALL going to die. But there's always comfort in mass suffering isn't there?

Other than Azzah of course. Who isn't human. And thus isn't counted. Bah.

10 Things I have learnt in the last minute perusal of my Gothic file

1. I have small handwriting.

2. The more I talk about sex and violence, the higher my marks. (Deduce from that what you will.)

3. I was much more hardworking at the beginning of the year.

4. Edgar Allen Poe is a genius. His works are palpably evil, and I dread the pendulum nightmares, but credit must be given where credit is due.

5. Henry James' governess is annoying.

6. Gothic lit students either become depressed maniacs (mantra: nobody loves me everybody hates me i'm gonna eat some worms) or chipmunks on sugar (mantra: life rockz). It's a defence mechanism against the dark forces of opium-fueled minds.

7. I enjoy dark humour - guiltily.

8. The creepiest story I have read so far is still "O Whistle and I'll come to you".

9. "The Erl King" is eeriely hypnotising.

10. I still don't know how to write a structured essay.

Argh. I turn to pick up "Turn of the Screw" and there is a DEAD LIZARD on it. *sob* I don't want to touch that. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh. And Paper 5 on Friday. That's day after tomorrow ainnit. Woe oh woe. I've not touched GOST.

Junior. The 7-month old baby. A bit of a brat, but utterly adorable. Slightly smarter than he looks. 

Teddy. The middle child. Has Issues. 

Rascal! Mine. All Mine. 

I'm Back!

And yes, I know it's not quite December yet. But there's way too much time to the next paper, and I'm bored. So hello blogders, it's me again.

(Cool background music, yes? I wanted Katie Melua's Just Like Heaven, but I can't find it. If anybody does, pass it to me yeah.)

So about the As. Maths Paper 1 was fun, Paper 2 was madness (but primarily because I forgot the variance formula for uniform distribution, and was too peeved to focus properly after that.) I screwed up the GP essay - took 45 minutes on the bloody introduction, but compre was alright. Econs was surprisingly do-able, I actually FINISHED the case study. I've never done that before. Ne-ver. Lit PC on the other hand, was disappointing. Comparing poems was entertaining, but I feel like I didn't do the drama properly. Felt like too much narration, rather than argument. Next up? Gothic on Thurs, BoeyHardyRoy on Fri, Econs S on Mon and Lit S on Tues. Then...FREEDOM. (shut up all you sniggering finishedAlevel/finishingAlevelbeforeme people.)

So yes. And in anticipation of euphoria, I went out last night. (I heard the *gasp*. Stoppit. I'm not THAT much of a recluse.) Had jap dinner at ps's restaurant (no she doesn't own it but it's my blog so I get to call it what I want) then watched Just Like Heaven with ps, aaron, minghui and jeron. The movie's damn sweet lah. Perfect date movie. Unfortunately I wasn't on one, and havn't been on one for an uncomfortably long period of time. Hmm. After the As, I guess. I am, however, neither predatory nor whateveritistheycalledthegirldownstairs. I suppose I'm just gonna have to be patient. Morons.

Grad. Gradgradgrad. It's on. No thanks to lots of isupposevarietymakestheworldgoround people. I've got the dress! And it's pweeeety. Now I need the shoes and the accessories. Post A retail therapy excuse. Hehe. Speaking of Post A, there's a ton of things I want to do. But lunch calls. Delicious curry chicken. Yay Mum. Ttyl darlings...ohhhh and be prepared for a new look. Soon. *grinz*

Good Luck for the As everyone. See you Dec! 

There are no more chocolates in the fridge.

Even the chocs have abandoned me. My life is over.

On a lighter note, I'm anti-relationship again. Whoop. Feel the liberation babes.

Things done today: 1 paper. 1 bloody paper. What did you say Val? Oh yes. My life is over.

Argh I've been tagged (Day 21)

Seven things I plan to do before I die:

1. Teach in a mission school in Africa
2. Fall madly in love, get married, and have 7 kids :) (And still be madly in love through it all)
3. Run barefoot on a beach, with the wind in my hair and the sound of crashing waves in my ears
4. Perform in a bona fide concert
5. Write a book
6. Learn the drums, saxophone, violin, congas (ok yes, i know I'm cheating.)
7. Impact someone's life

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

*erm. I don't have celebrity crushes.

Seven Often Repeated Words/Phrases:

1. Life
2. Rockz :)
3. Uhuh.
4. Ah...
5. *grinz*
6. Will you shut up. (predominantly to my sister. But also to 2 rather tall people.)
7. I'm FAT. *scowls*

Seven Physical Traits I Look For In The Opposite Sex:

1. Smile
2. Eyes
3. Not shorter than me. (Not hard to be.)

*I'm not really into physical. Not really.

Non-physical determinants?

Ah. He's gotta be able to make me laugh even when I want to cry. Definitely must be able to tolerate my sister, because otherwise he wouldn't last. We've gotta click, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Since I'm not really good at expressing my feelings, he's gotta have some amount of security and confidence - preferably more than I have. Funny, serious, sweet, gruff, loving, lovable, nuts, sane (no, he doesn't have to be perfect.) And we've gotta be best best bestest friends.

Seven People I'm Tagging:

1. Jannie
2. Toot
3. Aaron (humour me.)
4. Nessa (if she can find her blog.)
5. Weizhen
6. Dhanabanana
7. Linus. If only to get him to blog again.

Right. So that's that.

Farewell was today. Nice :) Pics will be up shortly.

Well. 21 days. Interview's in a week, exactly. I think I'm reading up more for the interview and written test than studying for the As. Haha. OHwell.

Y, if you actually do read this, take care of yourself yeah. Worry-er. Hmph. And have fun.
A, I know you read this. Tendonitis. Genius. Age shouldnt be the issue.
M, if you need to talk, msg anytime yeah.

Yam. Hmm.

Bye-o.





Once a TJcian, Always a TJcian.

Well, it's finally almost over isn't it. 3 years in TJ, 2 days to go. I'm never really any good at reminisces. They tend to get stuck somewhere between my heart and my throat. But every single person I've met at tj has affected me, somehow, in some way - whether it was a good or a bad experience. I've met tutors who've inspired me, and tutors whom I never want to be like. I've met friends I want to keep for a lifetime, and people whom I never want to see again. I've done things which I will remember always - and some things I just want to forget. No, wait. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. That I have done, that I want to forget. Every single person, every single action - even actions which I now wish I had done differently - has changed me in ways I never thought possible. And now, 2 days from Farewell (after all, we all know Grad is just an excuse to party), I want to put it on record that I've never, and will never, regret a single second of my JC life. I don't regret doing science for 1 and 3/4 years, then switching to arts. I don't regret doing music, and then dropping it. I don't regret (cannot regret) running for council and joining the guitar club, and making some of the best friends I have in my life. And there is no way I regret doing an extra year - if only for the beautiful people I got to know. mp10, the brat posse (a somewhat overlapping distinction, but nvm), dumbass utd, and everybody else from 3304 (tutors included - Mrs. Than, Mrs. Yong, Mr. Low, Mr. Hunter, Mrs. Lofthouse, Mr. Rajesh, Mrs. Lau, Mr. Walker, and even Mr. Bala and Mr. Thompson), vidhi, gayah, chong yang and gang, yasmin and faisal, aqil, prap, izzat, fiz, tiang and the rest of the 28th, raz, nadzira, sean and the other debators, the junior guitar club, the 29th...and everybody else. And then there's the fact that I've discovered what I really want to do. And my passion for lit. And grown more than I would have thought possible. I suppose I am blessed with an attitude which compels me to maximise the potential of the situation, no matter where I may end up, but TJ has given me a lot. And I'll have nothing but good memories of my years here. Even of the bad memories. If that makes sense to anyone at all.

So to all those I've known in TJ, thank you. Good luck. I'll miss you. And I love you - but you already knew that, didn't you? :)

Day 25

I got the interview. :)

And i think i'm getting old. I can't mass dance like I used to...my WHOLE body aches. pfft.

Right. Hitting the books. I've finally got a visible goal, and a lot is at stake.

Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.

Day 27

Fast, isn't it?

Maths Mock wasn't too bad. I think I'm finally building up speed. And the peace I get is here to stay :) Lost 5 pounds, whoop. And girls, we WILL dress up for grad, no matter what the others do, yes? Dress casual for grad...utter rubbish.

Now if I can just sort my feelings out. At least they're manage-able enough to put at the back of my head till after the As. Always be grateful for the small things.

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow found you and I collide.

Day 29

I was pretty productive today. Finished 3 maths papers and went to church. Then came back, had dinner, and spent an hour deciding on what song to put on blog (thank you wz)

So in order of decision (and subsequent change of mind)
1. How did I fall in love with you (too depressing)
2. Bounce Baby (too assertive)
3. Aphrodisiac (too suggestive)
4. Two Steps Behind You (sweet, but overplayed)
5. Some French Song (to quote za: "too houston-ish". no offence houston darling, but it WAS. heh.)
6. She's No You (jesse mccartney, almost perfect, but too happy)
7. Show me the meaning of Being Lonely (really too bloody depressing)
8. One Last Dance. (Probably the most depressing of the lot, but since it should not really strike a chord with me, I let it go. Besides. It's Taufik. *grinz*)

So, yeah. I've been doing way too much maths. And i still don't feel prepared for tomorrow. Ohwell.

wow.

It just hit me that if everything goes as planned, this time next year I'll be into my 2nd week in Cambridge.

Wow.

Val, your subconscious mind is driven most by Curiosity

This means you are full of questions about life, people, and the potential of your future. You spend more time than others envisioning the possibilities of your life — things that others are too afraid to consider.Your curiosity burns with an almost physical need to know and do more. It's only through new experiences that you feel a greater understanding of yourself or the world — which ultimately is the greatest way for you to feel satisfied.

It is possible that the underlying reason for your drive towards curiosity is a deeply rooted fear of boredom. That means that you are probably more susceptible than others to feel like you're falling into a rut when life slows down into a comfortable routine. You need to make sure you have stimulation in your life — that makes you feel like you're innovating or being exposed to the ideas and experiences that truly inspire you.

With such a strong orientation towards curiosity, you're also prone to a rebellious quality that shows up when you feel you are just going through the motions, and are unable to really influence the world around you. But interestingly enough, your drive towards novel experiences also indicates an openness others don't have, but wish they did. Unconsciously, your curiosity presses you to learn more, experience more, and get the most out of life.

"Study, Valerie Anne Nunis."

i love you i love you i love you ~ Baby Kochamma

Lit is just downright depressing. At least, the lit we're doing now. But all I've really been doing this week is maths - I havn't even TOUCHED econs. I'll start that today.

30 days kids. We'll ace this one together - and throw 3304 a huge party once it's over, ok? Aside from grad, which looks like it's gonna happen :) So it'll be grad, and then a 3304 celebration. What say you?

I came online with things to say, but I can't remember what. (So it's not just you, aaron.) Which really doesn't bode well for my fact retention abilities does it. This is a far cry from secondary school when my classmates and I could pretty much easily memorize 3 page chinese essays. Argh. Speaking of which, I really should brush up on my mandarin. I havn't spoken written or read it in ages, and I really don't want to waste 10 years of working up to A1 standard.

And sy (and the other girls) I've decided where guys are concerned, I'm gonna leave it till after the As. Too much to brood about, and like I said the exams are depressing enough without adding in guy problems. or as it stands, non-problems.

My background song is beginning to depress me. Hold on while I take it off.
(Edit: New background song is also Jesse Mccartney. Because You Live.)

OK. Much better. Here's today's things to do then:
1. MJ paper
2. VJ paper
3. Boey essay
4. International Trade
5. OLPS Feast Day

I can do anything in Him who sustains me.

Warning: This post will be rather complex.

First off. I went to take a look at the TJ forums for the first time in over a year - drawn there by previous whinging on the state of our grad night, I decided to see what the (usually) enthu and opiniated forummers had to say. Well, nobody had new ideas, and the complaints were the same as what we all hear: too expensive, prom wasn't good so grad won't be, and most annoyingly, nobody's going. I was annoyed, to say the least, and posted a spur of the moment reply. Here's hoping it doesn't backfire on me:

"oh honestly. I'm sorry if this is offensive, but I can't for the life of me see why some people can save to spend over a $100 on clothes and stuff, and can't save $85 for a night to remember. I've got friends who are scholars too - at least last year, and sure they had to save. But because they wanted to go, they saved *shrugz*. As would we all. And to clarify things, there will NOT be mass dance. The herd mentality IS annoying, and what's more annoying is that those who do want to go for grad won't be able to if not enough people sign up. Come on TJcians. Grad can only be what you make it. We could have Coldplay (or Jay Chou for the otherwise inclined) come down for grad, but if everybody is as determined to NOT ENJOY IT as they seem to be, it'll be a flop. Stop comparing, and start figuring out how YOU can make it the best night of your jc life. Don't go for the SC. Don't go for the tutors. Go because it's YOUR grad. The culmination of 2 (or 3) yrs in jc. Go because if you don't, you'll never ever have experienced a graduation night. Go because it's your last night EVER as a TJcian. And if you didn't enjoy TJ, go because it'll give you fodder to whine more about it. But for goodness sakes, GO."

Yeah.

Now for other things. I'm not panicked anymore. 34 days, schedule off-kilter, but I'm not panicked. I'll do what I must and leave the rest up to Him.

I've been going for Mass everyday - predominantly because the Redemptorists are doing a novena to the Eucharist this week, and they never fail to draw me. I'm glad I'm going too - there's an infinite sense of peace at Mass - a sense of peace that never really does leave me. So don't worry jinx, I'm in good hands :) I'll probably keep going, even after they finish the novena, because I'm beginning to realise how much I need it. And I'm happy.

"Infinnate Joy." ~Rahel

I've just been hit by a panic attack. I don't know when's the last time I've felt so scared. Staring at questions where I don't even know where to start. And dealing with the plethora of what-ifs. I'm no worse off than most of you, but it scares me all the same.

There's just no limit to the extent to which I could let myself down.

Help.

Let's make this clear straight off, ok?

• I will not tolerate gay/guy/les/girl bashing on my tagboard
• I will not tolerate racist/sexist insinuations on my tagboard
• I will not get involved with any fights you kids have with each other

Got it? So any posts which fall into the above categories will be deleted, and if repeated, banned.

Owkie. The econs symposium wasn't quite as boring as we feared it would be, and I had just about the best 2 days (discounting of course my abysmal econs and maths results). I've got the two bestest girl friends in the world. I've been staring at the screen for about 10 minutes, and still havn't found the words to sufficiently describe how much i love and appreciate them. And those who know me know I'm rarely at a loss for words. So I guess that would have to suffice. :)

Should I get a webcam? It looks like fun. Hrm.

Well the study schedule has started. 38 days. Full steam ahead people.

For the curious, prelims was an ACE. Disappointing, but what I deserve I guess. Aside from econs, which I totally screwed up, having failed all my essays (and landing on the recieving end of a "Study, Valerie Anne Nunis", courtesy of Mrs. Beetsma). It's probably the most frustrating result, because I sacrificed studying both lit AND maths (and for maths it showed, for lit too...paper 5 could have easily killed my A) to do econs. A highly unrewarding endeavour let me tell you. But enough. There's only so much which is really within our control - so that which is within my control, I'll keep control of.

Bon jour mon cheries (cherries. hrm.) - nydc is just a day away MWAhahaha.

And thanks, jinx.

Credits: Song in background is Jesse Mccartney's Take Your Sweet Time. Not only is the music unbelievably hypnotic, his voice melt-worthy, but the words are - perfect. Would that someone had said this, long time ago.

My maths results were so bad, they were almost laughable. And laugh I did, at lunch with vidhidarling, which was wonderful. We ate so much. I've never eaten so much EVER. Calamari and lamb chops (me) fried mushrooms and sticky chewy chocolate sundae (vidhi) mint ice cream fries an EARTHQUAKE. Amazing.

Lit tomorrow I hope. My study timetable has started. 42 days. We'll survive kids. We always do.

Maybe that someone should have been me.

Here we go

Well the prelims are almost over. I've just got 2 s papers on Monday and that will be that - although after Monday we have exactly (sorry jinx) 42 days to the As, so I suppose I shouldn't relax toooo much. Still, taking no break now would be suicidal, and so I have lined up the following calender of events:

1) Tuesday, 27th Sept: Lunch and ice cream with vidhi darling. Who never fails to make me laugh, even when I want to cry. (And that, love, will have to suffice for a testimonial. At least till after the As.)

2) Wednesday, 28th Sept: Open slot, but I think a class lunch would be nice, what do u guys say? *grinz*

3) Thursday, 29th Sept: Lunch (and very possibly dinner) with tootsie. Whom I absolutely adore, and who has kindly proposed VOLUNTARILY to treat me. (Pay attention other lunchees :p)

4) Friday, 30 Sept: Lunch with jannie, my other bestie from kc. I havn't seen her in AGES. Honestly. Miss ya babe. Maybe a late movie with zid and wz. Maybe.

5) Saturday, 1 Oct: If late movie doesn't work out, maybe lunch. (I don't like maybes. Pfft. But there's still after the As, yes I know. In the meantime work on your affection handling skills darling.)

6) Sunday, 2 Oct: Lunch and a movie with aaron and ps. I want to watch Cinderella Man! Grr.

Yes. So as you can see, Next week would be an almost no-study period. Almost. I'm hoping to slip in some studying so that when I actually do get down to studying on the 3rd, I wouldn't have forgotten EVERYTHING completely. I can hardly believe it's slightly more than a month to the As. It's been 3 years coming, so I guess it's only natural for it to still seem to be forever away.

I honestly honestly can't wait for the As to be over. Not only because of all the things I will be able to do once it is over, but also because I feel like I'm not paying enough attention and giving enough time to things I should be paying more attention and giving more time to. There's Youth Ministry of course, and the lounge linus and I were thinking about. But there's also an idea milling around in my mind - and it has been milling around for some time, about an apologetics youth magazine. You know, kinda like useful defense (and occasionally attack) ammunition. We'll see. And of course 4/7, who have had numerous class get-togethers already this year, but none of which I could go for. I feel immeasurably guilty, and thus propose a Christmas party. Whoop. Whay say you girls? Haha.

My guitar and piano skills have almost totally blown. Apart from angst filled Mozart Sonatas (yes, that is possible) everytime I get thoroughly pissed off at the As or random people, and pounding Beethoven Impromptus which drive my sister and Rascal up the wall, I have hardly been playing. As for guitar - I think it's been reduced to random GCGeDbE patterns, which are hardly any fun alone. I tried to play Classical Gas yesterday and nearly bled myself. Speaking of self-induced pain, I've finally gotten an epilator. I don't think the boys will know what it is, but the girls who do...OUCH. Like major ouch. Sigh, the things we do for vanity.

Right. Back to Shakespeare then. I've got a dread feeling I might actually do better for S paper then Lit and Econs itself, which is in itself horrendously funny, but of no practical use. Ohwell. So is life. I could quote Gloucester here and say "As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; They kill us for their sport", but I have more faith in my God, and to Him my life is owed. There are many things I don't and will never understand, (and this extends far beyond Keynes and Conrad) but because He lives, life rockz.

Whoop. That just says it all, doesn't it.

Now I won't do a rundown of the prelims, because it'll be depressing for me, and just dead boring for you. So, in summary, it was abysmal. BUT the whole idea is to peak at the As, yes? So peak I will.

Got my first letter from Cambridge today. All it said was to sign a form for data-release, but it felt good anyway, seeing the stamp "airmail" and "CAMBRIDGE". Nice.

My darling senior got me a meego *grinz* and it's really pretty. BUT i can't find it on my msn. As in, according to meegos.com it's been installed, but according to my msn, it isn't. *scowls*

I'm 19 years and 6 days old. Old. "What a funny word old was on its own, Rahel thought, and said it to herself. Old." Ditto.

And on an almost totally unrelated but somewhat linked note, there's so much to be lived. To do, and to be. Life Rockz.

I smell like body shop vanilla bath. *big smile*

Right. My opinion that I screwed up Maths Paper 1 has been confirmed by someone in the know. After about half an hour of trying to calm myself down, I've decided there's no point in stressing over it. Paper 2, prepare to be demolished.

Finished Gothic today. Like, wow. I actually finished something I planned to do. Did a bit of stats too - for an odd reason however, I still don't feel like I'm in the middle of my prelims. Anybody with me on that?

Nothing much happened today really. So I'll stop blogging now.

Plans

Well ok, it wasn't so bad. I screwed up Maths Paper 1, but there's still Paper 2. Might have answered the second PC question wrong (darn prose), but there's still Papers 4 and 5. AND, the ultimate aim is the As.

So here is my plan, and I'm so gonna stick to it.

While the prelims are on, I'll focus on the prelims. Roy today, and Gothic and Stats tomorrow. Boey on Friday, and Hardy and Stats on Saturday. IM DE and Vectors on Sunday, and a thorough revision of all Macro topics too. Revision of all Maths and Econs on Monday, and on Tuesday I'll do Lit Paper 5 Revision again. Wednesday I'm gonna mug Econs micro in earnest, getting all the theories down. Thursday it'll be Shakespeare, Friday Macro. Saturday the novels, and Sunday whatever notes I may have made. Monday's the last of the prelim papers, and I'm giving myself the rest of the week off. Hint here to ppl who owe me NYDC. Person, actually. Oh and to darling Tootsie and Jannie, yes we'll go out then. And Yazid and Weizhen, I still wanna watch Lords of Dogtown.

1st October though, will spell the beginning of my intensive A level schedule. I mean intensive. Yes I'll still be blogging, yes I might come online sometimes. But I'll still focus - I've finally managed to find a way to stop myself from daydreaming.

In the meantime though, I'll be exercising. 5 pounds off by the end of this month - I'm down 2 already. Jogging really does help. AND it gives me this adrenaline rush. I've still got flabby arms though, but the weight lifting might help.

And by the end of my As, preferably I would have dropped at least 8 pounds. I saw this gorgeous dress which is so mine for Grad - I can fit it already, it's just a bit tight around my hips. So that would be redeeemed, and the dress will be miiiinne. *enter evil laughter*

Right. That's it for today. Good luck everybody for prelims, and overdue uni projects, and mood-swingy selves. It's gonna be a great 19th year.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

This is an attempt to breathe.

I don't believe I'm blogging the night before prelims. This obsession has got to stop.

I am majorly screwed.

And it's all my fault.

The temptation to swear has never been so great.

Why do they have to start us off with the most horrendous papers? (Ok. Most horrendous for non-history economics students.)

I hate me.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Humour me.

I want kinder buenoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Ok, I admit it. I can't abstain from blogging for nuts. There. Now I shall make a new resolution: Never again to resolve to abstain from blogs.

Pilfered off my best friend's blog (i love you tootsie :)). See what you do is play your media player on random, and pick the first 11 songs. Chronologically. Be honest.

1. What do you think of me, Random Music Player?
Perfect - Simple Plan. Nice.

2. Will I have a happy life?
Ditty - Paper Boy. Erm.

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Give It All Up - The Corrs. I'm not sure if that's a good thing...

4. How can I make myself happy?
We've Got it Going On - Backstreet Boys. Haha. I forgot to add: LEGALLY.

5. What should I do with my life?
Testify to Love - Avalon. Amen.

6. Can you give me some advice?
Why Not - Hillary Duff. That was a rhetorical question. What I was really asking for was...oh nevermind.

7. What do you think happiness is?
Dare You to Move - Switchfoot. I have no idea what to make of that.

8. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Witch Doctor - Cartoons. Ooo eee ooo ahh ahh ching chang wala wala bing bang? Owwwkie.

9. A song for me?
Hey Mama - Black Eyed Peas. Brilliant. Mum again.

10. What will tomorrow be like?
Don't Stop till You Get Enough - Michael Jackson. Even inanimate objects seem to think I havn't studied enough.

11. What will next year be like?
Still Dreaming - Koan. Oh. Dear.

Haha that was fun. Ok back to the books. I'm surprisingly unpanicked. Not sure if that's a good sign.

In my study room, during an oestrogen-filled discussion of our crushes:

Ness: (to me) You look happy. You look like you're in luuuurrve.

Me: *glares*

Ness: Romance isn't just about boy-girl relationships. You can have a romance with what you're studying. I, for one, am intimate with my book.

Me: That is wrong. That is just so wrong.

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

You're a Shy Kisser

You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out But you've got plenty of intensity in return

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I repeat. NOT blogging. So what if I'm suddenly into kisses huh.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 86% Pure

You've hardly ever been kissed But the kisses you've given are very missed

Kissing Purity Test

Doing random rubbish tests online and posting them on a blog does NOT count as blogging.

And so it begins

I'm done with procrastinating. I'm starting in earnest tomorrow, and nobody, least of all me, is going to distract me from that. I've got too much to gain and too much to lose to trifle with time. And much to do too, although too much may be an overstatement. I can do this, and I will.

In the meantime, I'm not going to be blogging. I'm not going to be online during the day. I'm gonna focus solely on what I need to do. The list seems endless, but I'll get through it. Macbeth, King Lear, Othello, Julius Caesar, Hamlet, Twelfth Night, Midsummer Night's Dream, Much Ado About Nothing...The God of Small Things, Boey Kim Cheng, Thomas Hardy...Dracula, Frankenstein, Jekyll and Hyde, The Bloody Chamber, The Turn of the Screw, MR James...Pride and Prejudice, The Handmaid's Tale, Things Fall Apart, The Heart of Darkness...Foundations of Econs, PPD, Production and Cost, Market Structures, The Labour Market, Welfare Economics, Money and Banking, Economic Growth and Development, National Income Accounting, Keynesian Theory of Inflation and Unemployment, Monetary Mechanism, International Trade, Balance of Payments, Foreign Exchange, The Role of the Government...Functions, Trigo, Integration and Differentiation, IM, DE, Complex Numbers, Stats, Curve Sketching...it goes on, but it ends. And it will end too. 14 days.

Till the end of Nov though, here's what's gonna keep me going. Things I want to do after the As:

Read
Sophie's World
The Betrand Russel Basic Philosphy Series
The Odyssey
Middlemarch
The Virgin Suicides
Random chick fluff books

Play
Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue
Taufik's Me and Mrs. Jones
Missy Higgin's Scar
Coldplay's Trouble
Fever
Sarah McLachlen's Angel
Drums.
Edit: Add to the list Tommy Emmanuel's I've Always Thought of You on acoustic guitar.

Learn
French
Malay
Lindy Hop
Cooking (in time for Christmas)
Baking (ditto)
Roller blading
Driving

Lose
The knack of procrastinating
10 pounds

Hmm. The "lose" section I can afford to do before I get to the As. In the meantime, have a nice day. And good night.

3 Days Left of Real School

I remember watching the 0304 batch leave around this time. It doesn't seem to have been so long ago.

Anyway. Random TJ moments:

In the girls' bathroom
2 girls holding organic chem notes stroll in, obviously mugging for a test of some sort.

Science Student 1: "How do you tell the difference between brown bread and white bread?"

Long, expectant silence - during which I assumed the other girl was trying to remember the molecular structure of the aforementioned loaves.

Science Student 2: "I think...white bread is...white, so brown bread should be...brown."

Oh. Intelligent.

Classmate on a class-fund evading fellow classmate

"People become billionaires through entrepreneurship and innovation (aside: She definitely listened to PM Lee's speech); he's gonna become a billionaire through defaulting on payments."

I'm gonna miss everybody.

I just had to blog this. Talking to mp10-er about our combined desire for oxbridge:

azz-o: i know you want it as bad as i do so we have to. havetohavetohaveto.

me: if there was something we could get by sheer willpower babe, this would be it.

azz-o (in an apparent flash of insight): i pray for you you pray for me and we'll get TWO religions rooting for us, yeay!

The Week in Retrospect (According to my Desktop Calander)

Sunday, 14 August 2005
St. Pat's Alumni Concert @ VCH.
Genuinely entertaining, but also slightly disconcerting to have to smile at boys whose faces you used to crush on in yearbooks.

Monday, 15 August 2005
Return Library Books
(Amended to Renew Library Books when I realised I hadn't read them yet.)

Tuesday, 16 August 2005
Lit GOST Test. When Houston and I become the last ones still writing (waaaay after time is up), Mr. Rajesh goes: "Let's see who get's higher. " Oh the joy of competition.

Wednesday, 17 August 2005
Maths Lecture Test. Do-able.
Warwick Uni Talk on Warwick (duh) and How to Write a Personal Statement. Concretized its position on my ucas form.

Thursday, 18 August 2005
Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Friday, 19 August 2005
Girls Napfa 5 items. A for situps, B for sitandreach, C for pullups, D for shuttle run, F for broad jump.

Saturday, 20 August 2005
Complete Cambridge Form. An Agonizing Five Hour Chore.

Sunday, 21 August 2005
A surprisingly enjoyable Homily, by Father Luke no less. According to him, church groups are like fruit cakes. Because fruit cakes are rich with butter and eggs and milk (aside: as are all cakes) and church groups are rich too, with faith and dedication etc. Also, fruit cakes contain a variety of flavours from raisins, sultanas and cherries; likewise, church groups contain a variety of flavours from the different types of people there are. Thirdly (yes, I know, no such word) fruit cakes contain intoxicating ingredients, such as liquor, brandy or sherry. Church groups contain intoxicating ingredients too - people with addictive characters and personalities (although sometimes they may be intoxicated.) But most importantly, church groups are like fruitcakes because both are full of nuts. No more free fruit cake from the canteen aunties for you, Father.
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I have NO LIFE. And I can't even blame the exams for it. Fellow examinees (like Libby) are evidence enough for that.

And it's not like I'm studying much either. I'm still stuck on Day 3 of my study schedule and it's DAY ELEVEN.

Ok that's it. I'm a lost cause. Excuse me while I go bury my head in the sand.

Edit: Upon intense contemplation, I realise that Libby has an unfair advantage. With the number of siblings she has, something has got to be going on at some point of time. I...have 3 dogs. Whose primary aim in life is mostly to keep their tails and paws out of the way, and fight for the coolest and quietest places in the house to sleep. Sometimes that includes fighting for prime space under the desk in my room, upon which I suffer bitten toes and scratched legs, but more often than not they (albeit reluctantly) retreat to the kitchen, whereupon all 3 lie on their backs, legs splayed, dignity disregarded. I want a pet giraffe.

I find it relatively amusing that my one and only breakdown in school was brought about by a stupid napfa test that has no bearing on anything else but my self esteem. Which isn't even really affected. *shrugz* Complicated.

There seems to be so much to do, so much demanded, so much expected, and so much needed. And saying yes to one thing is to say no to another - an answer which is questioned, and used to make me feel guilty, and hopefully to change my mind. But I can't, don't you see? There are too many variables in life to say yes to everything and hope it all goes well. Things just don't. There does not have to be a reason for failure. Or a reason for success. But as long as I have some form of control, I need to, and will use it. Selfish? Maybe. But flip the coin kiddo - aren't you being selfish by demanding things from me? How about sacrifice on your part too. I'm stretched so thin I can hardly see myself. Everybody has legitimate reasons for their demands. How can I say yes to all?

I need this, don't you see. The ability to work for this dream is the only thing I have been able to depend on, at least in a non-spiritual context. And I keep giving up that ability for things which, though perhaps equally important - argh I don't know where this argument is going. Except that I can't do it anymore.

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

Courtesy of tickle.com:

"Val, you're a Chihuahua

No bones about it, you're an energetic, devoted Chihuahua. For your breed, size definitely doesn't matter. After all, sometimes the best things (diamonds, car keys, Godiva truffles) come in small packages. Honest and straightforward, you're never afraid to speak up for what you believe in, especially if it's a cause near and dear to your heart. Having such a passionate personality can come with a few drawbacks, though. You can be moody at times, and people often find it hard to live up to your high standards. But once you make a friend, it's for life. Saucy and intense, your energy and unfailing loyalty make you a great companion. Woof!"

Brillianto. Not only yappy and annoyingly hyper, my canine alter-ego is vertically challenged too. Life is so unfair. *sulks*

Anyway, I'm blogging from the Hub. In College. Instead of following my jam-packed study schedule (which is currently being ruined anyway, by the plethora of tests and written assignments we are getting.) I'm actually supposed to be doing an Econs article - but, evidently, talking to myself (since nobody seems to tag) is more entertaining.

It's Week 8 people. 2 weeks left of actual lessons (since study break starts in week 10), 2 weeks of pure mugging at home, and it's the prelims. And after that, about 6 weeks to the A levels. It's enough to make anyone religious. I really am seriously contemplating going for morning Masses - and no, it's not just because of the upcoming exams. I've been reading stuff, as those of you who know, know. And the more I read, the more I'm convinced (although, technically, I was supposed to be convinced long ago - but we shan't be delusional about the state of catechetics in Singapore Churches shall we? I loved my catechism classes - and my catechists did try very hard to impart knowledge - but there is still so much more) that I'm in the right place. That the Church really is the true church set up by Christ; that every Mass we do take of His Body and Blood; that purgatory does exist; that Mother Mary and the Saints are interceding for us; that the Traditions and Teachings of the Church were handed down from the Apostles; that the body of intellectual debate and apologetics that I would never have expected have existed since the very first century; that the powers of hell will never prevail in a Church instituted by God Himself. And when you're convinced, first emotionally, then intellectually, then even more powerfully emotionally again - you want to be part of it all, all the time, every day. It's one of the factors that induced that message I sent out (so, you see, I was not suicidal).

Still reading? I really should get back to that econs article. Just 2 more things: I really really really really miss my councillors (of course, they could always remedy that by, say, a birthday surprise. Or an after-prelim treat. Or something). And council day, was, aside from known regrettable factors, brilliant. It wasn't the games (which I wasn't there for), or the food (I only had a slice of pizza and one drumstick), or even the mass dance (although I do like that). Again, as always, it was the people. Predominantly my darling 27th of course, but also the 26th - I kinda miss having seniors around, and the 29th, who are, occasionally, quite adorable. As for the 28th, not having been there at ALL is chastise-able. So there. Count yourselves chastised.

Argh one period's almost over. I just love econs.

Bhachk.

It's time to officially proclaim the start of my intensive study schedule. Any earlier, I would burn out, any later, I would burn, period.

I've got 5 library books to cover by Sunday, 2 new novels for lit s, 3 econs s essays, 2 (3?) lit s essays, and a suitably outstanding personal statement due by the end of this month.

I'm tired of the politics involved in large groups, and frankly if friends are so easily forgotten or even given up on, then maybe the so called friendship isn't quite worth it. I'll just have to accept the fact that yes, although the disintegration of a close-knit group in any circumstance (and there are several circumstances) is sad, it's happened - and I'll just have to get over it. I refuse to spend time making up to people who don't actually need me around; and you know what, I realise I don't really need big groups either. I'm so much happier with people who are comfortable with just meeting up for lunch, one on one or maybe two or three; who don't need to talk to me everyday to feel like we're close; who can, even after months of not meeting or even msging, still call each other best friends, because we know that true feeling and yes even love is not determined by what we say, sometimes not even what we do, but what we know. I'm not going to make the effort, because I'm tired enough already, and because it's already backfired on me. I'll miss you, of course. But I would miss you soon enough anyway, and I've gotten over missing other people. I truly believe that real friendship is intimate, and that it, unfortunately, is confined to a select few. Perhaps not always the few that I would have selected, based on my own flawed judgement, but the few all the same - and the few I thank God everyday for.

I still love all my councillors though. Even when they DON'T reply spur of the moment, national day inspired, emo-filled sms-es. Hmph.

There are 33 days left to the Prelims. That statement is supposed to inspire slight panic and conscious movement towards my open econs notebook. Supposed to. There are 792 hours left to the Prelims. Ah. That did it. Alritey then.

I'll be back. Bach. Bahk.

Bachk.

*My Ox Duke*

By 18th Century Poet John Dyer

'Twas on a summer morn, in Stainsford mead

New mown and tedded, while the weary swains,

Louting beneath an oak, their toils relieved;

And some with wanton tale the nymphs beguiled,

And some with song, and some with kisses rude;

Their scythes hung o'er their heads: when my brown ox,

Old labourer Duke, in awkward haste I saw

Run stumbling through the field to reach the shade

Of an old open barn, whose gloomy floor

The lash of sounding flails had long forgot.

In vain his eager haste: sudden old Duke Stopped:

a soft ridge of snow-white little pigs

Along the sacred threshold sleeping lay.

Burnt in the beam, and stung with swarming flies,

He stood tormented on the shadow's edge:

What should he do? What sweet forbearance held His heavy foot from trampling on the weak, To gain his wishes? Hither, hither all, Ye vain, ye proud!

see, humble heaven attends; The fly-teased brute with gentle pity stays,

And shields the sleeping young. O gracious Lord!

Aid of the feeble, cheerer of distress,

In his low labyrinth each small reptile's guide! God of unnumbered worlds! Almighty power! Assuage our pride. Be meek, thou child of man: Who gives thee life, gives every worm to live, Thy kindred of the dust. - Long waiting stood

The good old labourer, in the burning beam,

And breathed upon them, nosed them, touched them soft,

With lovely fear to hurt their tender sides;

Again soft touched them; gently moved his head

From one to one; again, with touches soft,

He breathed them o'er, till gruntling waked and stared

The merry little young, their tails upcurled,

And gambolled off with scattered flight.

Then sprung The honest ox, rejoiced, into the shade.

The Catechism on War

Taken from Catholic Answers, www.catholic.com

2307 The fifth commandment forbids the intentional destruction of human life. Because of the evils and injustices that accompany all war, the Church insistently urges everyone to prayer and to action so that the divine Goodness may free us from the ancient bondage of war.

2308 All citizens and all governments are obliged to work for the avoidance of war.However, "as long as the danger of war persists and there is no international authority with the necessary competence and power, governments cannot be denied the right of lawful self-defense, once all peace efforts have failed" (Gaudium et Spes 79).

2309 The strict conditions for legitimate defense by military force require rigorous consideration. The gravity of such a decision makes it subject to rigorous conditions of moral legitimacy. At one and the same time:
- the damage inflicted by the aggressor on the nation or community of nations must be lasting,
grave, and certain;
- all other means of putting an end to it must have been shown to be impractical or ineffective;
there must be serious prospects of success;
- the use of arms must not produce evils and disorders graver than the evil to be eliminated.

The power of modern means of destruction weighs very heavily in evaluating this condition.These are the traditional elements enumerated in what is called the "just war" doctrine.The evaluation of these conditions for moral legitimacy belongs to the prudential judgment of those who have responsibility for the common good.

2310 Public authorities, in this case, have the right and duty to impose on citizens the obligations necessary for national defense.Those who are sworn to serve their country in the armed forces are servants of the security and freedom of nations. If they carry out their duty honorably, they truly contribute to the common good of the nation and the maintenance of peace.

2311 Public authorities should make equitable provision for those who for reasons of conscience refuse to bear arms; these are nonetheless obliged to serve the human community in some other way.

2312 The Church and human reason both assert the permanent validity of the moral law during armed conflict. "The mere fact that war has regrettably broken out does not mean that everything becomes licit between the warring parties" (GS 79).

2313 Non-combatants, wounded soldiers, and prisoners must be respected and treated humanely.Actions deliberately contrary to the law of nations and to its universal principles are crimes, as are the orders that command such actions. Blind obedience does not suffice to excuse those who carry them out. Thus the extermination of a people, nation, or ethnic minority must be condemned as a mortal sin. One is morally bound to resist orders that command genocide.

2314 "Every act of war directed to the indiscriminate destruction of whole cities or vast areas with their inhabitants is a crime against God and man, which merits firm and unequivocal condemnation" (GS 80).

A danger of modern warfare is that it provides the opportunity to those who possess modern scientific weapons—especially atomic, biological, or chemical weapons—to commit such crimes.

2315 The accumulation of arms strikes many as a paradoxically suitable way of deterring potential adversaries from war. They see it as the most effective means of ensuring peace among nations. This method of deterrence gives rise to strong moral reservations. The arms race does not ensure peace. Far from eliminating the causes of war, it risks aggravating them. Spending enormous sums to produce ever new types of weapons impedes efforts to aid needy populations; it thwarts the development of peoples. Over-armament multiplies reasons for conflict and increases the danger of escalation.

2316 The production and the sale of arms affect the common good of nations and of the international community. Hence public authorities have the right and duty to regulate them. The short-term pursuit of private or collective interests cannot legitimate undertakings that promote violence and conflict among nations and compromise the international juridical order.

2317 Injustice, excessive economic or social inequalities, envy, distrust, and pride raging among men and nations constantly threaten peace and cause wars. Everything done to overcome these disorders contributes to building up peace and avoiding war: "Insofar as men are sinners, the threat of war hangs over them and will so continue until Christ comes again; but insofar as they can vanquish sin by coming together in charity, violence itself will be vanquished and these words will be fulfilled: ‘They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more’" (GS 78; cf. Is. 2:4].

An interesting counter to the total pacificism advocated by Father Zabelka. Again, I'll comment later.

An extract from a speech by Father George Zabelka, at a Pax Christi Conference in August 1984, on the 40th Anniversary of the Hiroshima bombings

From the New Sunday Times, August 7 2005
"I worked with Martin Luther King Jr during the Civil Rights struggle in Flint, Michigan.

His example and his words of non-violent action, choosing love instead of hate, truth instead of lies, and non-violence instead of violence stirred me deeply.

This brought me face to face with pacifism - active nonviolent resistance to evil.

I recall his words after he was jailed in Montgomery, and this blew my mind.

He said: "Blood may flow in the streets of Montgomery before we gain our freedom, but it must be our blood that flows, and not that of the white man. We must not harm a single hair on the head of our white brothers."

I struggled. I argued. But yes, there it was in the Sermon on the Mount, very clear: "Love your enemies. Return good for evil."

I went through a crisis of faith. Either accept what Christ said, as unpassable and silly as it may seem, or deny him completely.

...

Ethical hairsplitting over the morality of various types of instruments and structures of mass slaughter is not what the world needs from the Church, although it is what the world has come to expect from the followers of Christ.

What the world needs is a grouping of Christians that will stand up and pay up with Jesus Christ.

What the world needs is Christians who, in language that the simplest soul can understand, will proclaim: the follower of Christ cannot participate in mass slaughter. He or she must love as Christ loved, live as Christ lived and, if necessary, die as Christ died, loving one's enemies.

...

As a Catholic chaplain I watched as the Boxcar, piloted by a good Irish Catholic, dropped the bomb on Urakami Cathedral in Nagasaki, the centre of Catholicism in Japan.

I knew that St. Francis Xavier, centuries before, had brought the Catholic faith to Japan. I knew that schools, churches, and religious orders were annihilated. Yet I said nothing.

Thank God that today I'm able to speak out against war, all war. The prophets of the Old Testament spoke out against all false gods of gold, silver and metal.

Today we are worshipping the gods of metal, the bomb. We are putting our trust in physical power, militarism, and nationalism. The bomb, not God, is our security and our strength.

The prophets of the Old Testament said simply: Do not put your trust in chariots and weapons, but put your trust in God. Their message was simple, and so is mine.

We must all do something for peace. We must stop this insanity of worshipping the gods of metal. We must take a stand against evil and idolatory. This is our destiny at the most critical time of human history.

But it's also the greatest opportunity ever offered to any group of people in the history of our world - to save our world from complete annihilation."

This, obviously, isn't the whole speech. It isn't even the whole of what was printed in the New Straits Times (which my dad brought back from KL). But he did bring up lots of points of interest. Like pacificism.

Unfortunately, i've got to go now. So i'll come back to this later. Ciaoz peeps.

I don't know how to start this, because I don't know how it will end. What I do know is that things have gotten messy in between, and maybe it's my fault. In fact, it probably is, because the choices I've made are all my own. So I suppose the resulting recriminations are just that. Resulting.

Is it gone forever? What I know is that it'll never be the same.

The last shot, then maybe I'll know if it is time, finally (and as I knew, inevitably), to draw away. Maybe I do have a problem. But maybe I don't. I'm going, but I don't know how I'll feel - which is probably the worst part of it all. I hate this.

And you know, the next time you want to make racist jokes, bear in mind who you're with. Stereotypes may be fine, especially around friends who take it all with a pinch of salt. But calling some races dirty, and shuddering at the mention of a mixed relationship, is never acceptable. Maybe you forgot who, or what I am. And to you, who didn't make the joke, but laughed abashedly, as if you were afraid that if you didn't laugh, you would be laughed at, now I know your true colours. Do you know why I left when I did? Because it wasn't funny anymore. And because it hurt.

Yesterday I attended a beautiful wedding in kl. My mum's flowergirl was getting married. She's Indian, like most of my mum's side of the family - and the groom was Japanese. Remember that the next time you want to make or participate in a racial slur. I'm a product of mixed marriages. If you think we are "tainted", to use your word, then maybe you should stop hanging out with me. Or at least stop pretending to be my friend. Don't give me rubbish about liking me for the person I am, not the race I am - my race is part of who I am, and if you can't accept that, then well, I'm sorry for you. I have gotten past the stage, thankfully, where being called a mongrel to my face results in me dissolving into tears. I will never cry in front of you, or because of you, because your words don't mean anything to me.

The thing about the truth is, it's hardly ever what you want it to be.

Scar

He left a card, a bar of soap and a scrubbing brush next to a note which said

"use these down to your bones"

And before I knew that I had shiny skin, it felt easy being clean like him

and I thought"this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze into a circle

He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?

And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?

And so that I do remember to never go that far;

Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats;

She smelt like sugar and spoke like the sea

And she told me, don't trust them, trust me

Then she pulled at my stitches one by one

Looking at my insides clicking her tongue

and then she said"this will all have to come undone"

A triangle trying to fit into a circle

She tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver, the way things could have gone?

And doesn't it feel peculiar, when everyone wants a little more?

And so that I do remember to never go that far

Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time,

although my old self was so hard to find

You bathe me in your finest wine,

but I won't give you mine

'Cos I'm a little bit tired of feeling

like I'll be the bad fruit that nobody buys

Tell me, did you think that we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver, the way things could have gone?

Doesn't that feel peculiar, when everyone wants a little more?

And so that I do remember to never go that far

Could you leave me with a scar?

I do. Have scars. But for some inane reason I keep forgetting to look at them. Thanks for nothing.

Raffles Institution


The School That Suited You Most!
brought to you by Quizilla

Rofl. I don't know if I should be amused or insulted. Probably a little of both. Argh. I hate exams.

Blogging hiatus: 2 days

Time to read: Priceless

I am rediscovering the joys of reading, thanks to a Humanities day stint which required me to fish for books I loved, and passages I would love others to hear. My first choice was the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice:

On second thoughts, it's way too long to type out here, and I'm not sure if I'll be infringing copyrights.

The day before the event though, I found out that I couldn't do Pride and Prejudice because someone else had chosen it first, (and had chosen the exact same chapter too, as I discovered eventually) and so I had to choose something else. After exactly 4 minutes of brain storming, I remembered my pre-Austen all time favourite: The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint Exupery. I love the whole book, but as I had only about 4 minutes for my passage, I chose this one:

On the fifth day - again, as always, it was thanks to the sheep - the secret of the little prince's life was revealed to me. Abruptly, without anything to lead up to it, and as if the question had been born of long and silent meditation on his problem, he demanded:

"A sheep - if it eats little bushes, does it eat flowers, too?"
"A sheep," I answered, "eats anything it finds in its reach."
"Even flowers that have thorns?"
"Yes, even flowers that have thorns."
"Then the thorns - what use are they?"

I did not know. At that moment I was very busy trying to unscrew a bolt that had got stuck in my engine. I was very much worried, for it was becoming clear to me that the breakdown of my plane was extremely serious. And I had so little drinking-water left that I had to fear the worst.

"The thorns - what use are they?"

The little prince never let go of a question, once he had asked it. As for me, I was upset over that bolt. And I answered with the first thing that came into my head:

"The thorns are of no use at all. Flowers have thorns just for spite!"
"Oh!"

There was a moment of complete silence. Then the little prince flashed back at me, with a kind of resentfulness:

"I don't believe you! Flowers are weak creatures. They are naiive. They reassure themselves as best they can. They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons..."

I did not answer. At that instant I was saying to myself: "If this bolt still won't turn, I am going to knock it out with the hammer." Again the little prince disturbed my thoughts:

"And you actually believe that the flowers - "
"Oh, no!" I cried. "No, no, no! I don't believe anything. I answered you with the first thing that came into my head. Don't you see - I am very busy with matters of consequence!"

He stared at me, thunderstruck.

"Matters of consequence!"

He looked at me there, with my hammer in my hand, my fingers black with engine-grease, bending down over an object which seemed to him extremely ugly...

"You talk just like the grown-ups!"

That made me a little ashamed. But he went on, relentlessly:

"You mix everything up together...You confuse everything..."

He was really very angry. He tossed his golden curls in the breeze.

"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over, just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!' And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man - he is a mushroom!"
"A what?"
"A mushroom!"

The little prince was now white with rage.

"The flowers have been growing thorns for millions of years. For millions of years the sheep have been eating them just the same. And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never of any use to them? Is the warfare between the sheep and the flowers not important? Is this not of more consequence than a fat red-faced gentleman's sums? And if I know - I, myself - one flower which is unique in the world, which grows nowhere but on my planet, but which one little sheep can destroy in a single bite some morning, without even noticing what he is doing - Oh! You think that is not important!"

His face turned from white to red as he continued:

"If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself: 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened...And you think that is not important!"

He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing.

The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment now was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:

"The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will - "

I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

And, on a related note, it is such a lonely place, the land of fears. (Back to me. Reality calls.)

Fears of falling: out of track. out of mind. in love. apart.
Fears of needing: comfort. people. more than what i have.
Fears of feeling: out of control. powerless. alone. needy.

Powerless-ness. I think most of us fear that. A situation where you can't do anything about anything. Yet somehow, it could be a liberating situation. One in which you have no choice but to put it all in His hands. And then you realise that it's been there all along. And then you are free.

In (predominantly wishful) anticipation of not blogging for a while, I've left several links below my Previous Posts sections. Probably worth checking them out. :)

And this is probably one of the most sublimally beautiful tragic love scenes in the history of literature:

They were strangers who had met in a chance encounter.
They had known each other before Life began.

There is very little that anyone could say to clarify what happened next. Nothing that (in Mammachi's book) would seperate Sex from Love. Or Needs from Feelings.

Except perhaps that no Watcher watched through Rahel's eyes. No one stared out of a window at the sea. Or a boat in the river. Or a passer-by in the mist in a hat.

Except perhaps that it was a little cold. A little wet. But very quiet. The Air.

But what was there to say?

Only that there were tears. Only that Quietness and Emptiness fitted together like stacked spoons. Only that there was a snuffling in the hollows at the base of a lovely throat. Only that a honey-coloured shoulder had a semi-circle of teethmarks on it. Only that they held each other close, long after it was over. Only that what they shared that night was not happiness, but hideous grief.

Only that once again they broke the Love Laws. That lay down who should be loved. And how. And how much.

Yet another excerpt from "The God of Small Things". Honestly, reading this book reminds me again and again why I love lit, and why I'll never regret doing an extra year for it. I would copy out the scene between Ammu and Velutha and the end of the novel, except that I suspect that would be a spoiler (as yet, those who havnt read the book wouldn't know who this particular scene is between). Also, I might horrify certain readers with the blatant eroticism and sexuality of an A-level text. Not that I'm complaining mind you. It's about time people stop seeing sex as dirty, or just plain fun, but as something beautiful. (As a pointed aside, the Catholic Church doesn't view sex as dirty. Sex, as an act of love (and thus pro-creation) is beautiful - as is sexuality.)

Right. Back to Ayemenem then.

Attn all guys: This is NOT sweet

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way
Girl: What would you choose: your life..orme?
Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

Now, once and for all, let me make this clear. When a girl asks a guy if he likes her, it is NOT the time to be smart alec-y. SO not the time. The whole rubbish about the 'real' reasons sound more to me like polished attempts at reversing a break-up scenario. Not funny, not very smart. Feelings are not oratorical competitions you nitwits.

Right. All in the world is right again. I can't BELIEVE someone sent me that with the heading: so sweeeeeeeet. I'll like to see the girl in the scenario say the same. Sheesh.

On to more serious stuff. This is one of the most heart-rending passages I've ever read:

This was the stuff their dreams were made of. On the day that Estha was Returned. Chalk. Blackboards. Proper punishments.

They didn't ask to be let off lightly. They only asked for punishments that fitted their crimes. Not ones that came like cupboards with built-in bedrooms. Not ones you spent your whole life in, wandering through its maze of shelves.

Without warning the train began to move. Very slowly.

Estha's pupils dilated. His nails dug into Ammu's hand as she walked along the platform. Her walk turning into a run as the Madras Mail picked up speed.

Godbless, my baby. My sweetheart. I'll come for you soon!

'Ammu!' Estha said as she disengaged her hand. Prising loose small finger after finger. 'Ammu! Feeling vomity!' Estha's voice lifted into a wail.

Little Elvis the Pelvis with a spoiled, special-outing puff. And beige and pointy shoes. He left his voice behind.

On the station platform Rahel doubled over and screamed and screamed.

The train pulled out. The light pulled in.

Excerpt from "The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy

Really, really beautiful book. Word after word, line after line, passage after passage, page after page of heartbreak. So that you never want to read it again. But you do (and not just because I'm studying it for paper 5, although that IS a pretty good reason), simply because of the sheer beauty of her words, and the compulsive-ness of the story. If you've never read it, go and read it now. And if you've read it, go and read it again.

In this book I've discovered the most beautiful, and also most heart-rending word: Naaley. Tomorrow.

Back to the Grind

I suppose I should have been prepared for the realisation that nothing is ever over until it really is truly over.

Nobody would have understood that, don't beat yourself up over it.

Well my results were less than satisfactory, for me at least. I've got a long way to go to the results I'm aiming for for both the prelims and the blasted As. Still, it's a shorter way than what it was a month ago, and for that I'm thankful.

I love the ache my body feels after a good swim/run/climb/workout. When I arch my back there's this nice, stretched feeling that runs all the way from the base of my neck to my tailbone. Yes, I know it's called a spine.

Tailbone. A vestige of the tails of a Darwinian ancestor? Although I don't believe in his theory of evolution, there are amazing similarities between our monkey friends and us. Not the least being the incessant chattering one is surrounded with in a predominantly girl class ;)

I love my class. eunice azzah sy dora jac max wilson mos houston libby jinx wulan grass gardine camy janice eunice abel liying persis mel tania yintong. see what i mean by predominantly girl? But they're darlings, all of them. Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes they're brats. *grinz*

On a more sober note: God bless the souls of all who died in the London subway attack. And the souls of those who died and are dying all around the world. With all due respect, it irks me when only terrorist attacks on major (read: developed and rich) countries get major press attention. Did anybody notice the running thingy at the bottom of the tv on CNN last night? There are tragedies everywhere, manmade and natural. Of course it angers people that people kill people - but really by our every action (and non-action), we kill people too. When's the last time the Straits Times published a headcount of the people (Iraqis, not American) killed in Iraq? Why is it we only get updates on American casualties? How come a land that was supposed to be 'freed' is still under occupation? I have no sympathy for violent Muslim extremists. I don't even have sympathy for violent 'Christian' extremists. I say 'Christian' because Christianity is a religion of peace. A violent Christian is an oxymoron. I do however, have much empathy for the thousands of people who suffer because of them.

On a related note: When I heard about the blasts last night, I messaged a couple of friends telling them about it. One of them replied: "Do you think my people did it?" I said: "Your people? Like who?" And the next message was: "You know. My muslim brothers who get labelled as terrorists." I told him people who kill innocent people are nobody's brothers, changed the subject, and we let it go at that. Maybe he was kidding around. Maybe not. But it begs the question - if something like this happens here, in Singapore - how many of us will still hold 'my people' to be Singaporeans, and how many will switch 'my people' to being those who hold the same religious beliefs as we do? Will friend turn against friend, brother against brother (because I know of families with different religions), mother against child? Or will we stand together, back against the wall, banded against the attacker who no longer is part of 'my people', but the enemy? I hope I know the answer, but sadly, I don't quite know for sure. Maybe we wouldn't physically attack each other. But we may just turn away - and somehow, that will be so much more damaging for a society that is just only begin to turn towards.

Well, it's back to the pseudo-reality of mugging, sighing, mugging and mugging again for me. I'm so glad I'm not prone to hormonal crushes on vampires and stationary. Not to mention ingredients in fish-head curry and tools of tictactoe. I can do without anguishing over semi-developed beings with heads so big they need to wear helmets for 2 years to keep them from imploding due to excess space on the inside. (I'm on a roll here, aren't I.) Thus free from alpha chimp-induced trauma, I WILL get those grades I need. And when those grades are done, (or, occasionally, in-between), I would probably enjoy a bit of alpha chimp attention. Till then though, I'm content with my court jesters. *grinz*

Till next time.

Let's talk about Sex

Got your attention, didn't I? This got my attention too:
It can be fun, dangerous, a total high and despite the fact that it can also break your heart, more and more women are doing it. It's that uninvolved liaison with a guy you go to bed with, but aren't committed to. Your one night stand.

Pops up on the MSN Today window every time I sign on to MSN. Well, no. Not the same article, but similar ones. Before I offer my opinion though, let's take a look at what the article is, or is not about.

"It wasn't always this way - even a generation ago, casual sex was relatively unknown for women. Men could sleep around and be regarded as 'sowing their wild oats' without a hint of criticism. But a woman who had casual sex was, and often still is, more likely to be labelled a 'slag' and seen as 'unnatural'."

Hmm. I notice a slight bias in the tone here.

"Casual sex is now more acceptable than it was because nowadays women have the freedom and opportunity for uninvolved lovemaking; we meet men through work, through friends or even through the Internet. We also have easy access to contraception and protection, making it far safer to have sex with no nasty repercussions."

Ah. Nasty repercussions like getting pregnant? I see. Funny. I thought getting pregnant was something of a miracle. Y'know. Gift from God.

"...in a survey in the States commissioned by the Oprah Winfrey Show, 50 per cent of respondents said that casual sex was worth it. They thought it exciting, enjoyable - and a statement of their sexual identity, a reflection of the fact that as a 21st century woman, they wanted to be free to have sex when and with whom they wanted."

So, if I am to be a 21st century woman, I should want to be free to have sex when and with whom I wanted? Oh dear.

"So that's the good news. Sadly, here's the bad. The other 50 per cent of Oprah respondents thought that casual sex wasn't worth it - and 80 per cent of them have had regrets. It isn't the morality, it isn't even a feeling of shame. The main reason that casual sex may not deliver is that we often want more than just the instant hit it offers - and even if we didn't want more when we started, we do when we finish."

Yes, that is bad news. 'That' being the fact that women didn't want to have casual sex not because of morality or a feeling of shame, but merely because it doesn't 'deliver' the way we want it to.

Admittedly, this is an msn article, and so is not a reflection of the singaporean woman the way a Today article, for example, would. But it is a reflection of the way more and more people are thinking. Or at least it would seem so, wouldn't it? The way this article is written, one would think almost everybody was dying for casual sex, and just cant figure out why it isn't 'delivering' for them. Which of course, in this world of almost negligible moral authority, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell everyone that everyone, deep down inside, wants to have a fling with the guy down the street, and everyone would probably belive, and eventually end up wanting it. Of course, I'm making gross generalisations. But this article really did annoy me. And before you accuse me of being narrow-minded and conservative, read the rest of the article here. And then let me state, for the record, that I am conservative, so accusing me as such wouldn't hurt much; I am not, I hope, too narrow-minded - but I do like having my own stand.

Sex is not something to be ashamed of; neither is sexuality - both are gifts from God. But sex isn't, and cannot, be casual. Even the article admits that "physiologically, sex creates a flood of hormones that naturally create a bond. Oxytocin (the same hormone that women release while breastfeeding) makes us feel close to a partner and dopamine makes us feel content in his company, both of which are released during sex." Does that sound like something casual to you? Sex is the ultimate, but not the only, act of making love between a husband and wife; it forms a bond probably nothing else can. Is that really something we want to do with every other male within a 500m radius?

I know for a fact that many girls don't take casual sex lightly. That most would wait for marriage before doing anything. Why then do we let the rest of the world have their, and only their opinion heard?

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against people involved in casual sex. I do, however, have something against the people and institutions which make these people believe that casual sex in not only alright, but to be desired - if we are confident enough. That's like saying...you don't wanna have casual sex? Aww...it's ok darling. You'll like it soon enough - it's just a matter of getting used to it. Don't worry, nobody will blame you...yet. Wait. That is what they're saying.

If ever articles like this make it to the mainstream newspaper (mainstream being stuff I read ;) like Today, Streats, TNP and Straits Times), I'm writing in. Morality isn't a disease.

I've got anger management issues.

14 pounds.

6 days.

3 years.

24 hours.

It's all about the numbers.

I am a...

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead, according to quizilla.

Well I suppose that's better than a footsie, although I really like hugs from behind. Heh.

Anyway. Previous post deleted. All is sunshine and butterflies again. Ooooh and don't forget the strawberries. (B******s not allowed.)

Did quite a lot today, so reasonably pleased with myself. If i keep going at this rate I just might be prepared enough for the JCTs. might. Swimming and running is going good, but I havnt been to the gym yet. Think i'll do that next week - but i dont wanna go aloooooooone. *sulks*

Did you know that it was once law to say "God bless you" when someone sneezed? I need a Vit C.

There's so much more to life than this. No this isn't going to be a whining post. But I sure as hell can't wait for the As to be over, just so that I can be. Just be. And live. Without the guilt of not studying or whatever. Somehow when you lose the status of student, certain boundaries dissolve.

Of course, life after school isnt all it's cut out to be. Everybody says once you're working you really miss schooling. But right now, logic isn't making sense to me. Ever had the feeling of physically wanting to break loose? Yeah. Dangerous feeling. No cause for it either. No immediate cause anyway. It's just a built up tension, resulting in me taking it out on the pool or track. Still not healthy though.

And you know what's really depressing? No matter what, everything's going to remain fake and contrived. Even if i DO get that scholarship. Even if i DO get to where I want to go. It's a short burst of freedom, followed by a stifling by procedures and expectations. There's no where to go but up...but eventually you're gonna hit the ceiling. And wake up with a tremendous headache.

This is, I suppose, where religion and spirituality come in. There at least I know there are unimaginable depths to be explored, and experiences to encounter. There at least I see the authenticity I don't get from mere life. It's a challenge, intellectually and spiritually, to defend what I know to be true. And there at least, but perhaps most importantly, I'm beginning to know true satisfaction.