And still not there yet.
Internship applications, essays, portfolios, deadlines, dissertations, tickets, being around, being involved, perfection, ability, trying hard enough, being uninvolved, falling away, inability, just basically sleeping through everything...and sometimes it all amounts to too much. Though technically, it never really is. And that's the frustrating thing. That it can never be too much. And so I can never not handle it. And therefore shouldn't need anyone around. Because I have Someone. The One.
And though that gives enough comfort to keep me sane, I guess I'm not strong enough for that to give enough comfort, period, though it should. It probably does. It actually does. I just wish there was someone who knew, too.
I miss you, best friend.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Just because.
The Five Love Languages
My primary love language is probablyQuality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.
Complete set of results
| Quality Time: | 11 | |
| Physical Touch: | 8 | |
| Words of Affirmation: | 6 | |
| Acts of Service: | 5 | |
| Receiving Gifts: | 0 |
Information
Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.Take the quiz
No surprises, really. Ah well.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Guilty Purchases
After a jam session where I realised the most contemporary songs I could play off by ear/by heart (essentially the same thing) were the Backstreet Boys, AND walking past Fopp and realising they had an amazing clearout sale happening, I bought:
Gary Jules, Trading Snakecoil for Wolftickets - £1
Richard Ashcroft, Keys to the World - £2
Oasis, Familiar to Millions - £3
Which, even if I convert it to S$, is $18 for 3 albums! C'mon, you've got to admit it was a bargain. Then, because I had a couple of coins left from the $10 I had broken, I walked into the clearance Galloway & Porters on Sidney Street...a bad idea if I don't want to buy anything, because there's inadvertently something I like at a ridiculously low price, and bought a huge tome of 'Best Loved Poems' for £2.95.
Am content now, and have also rationalised away all shopping urges for about 2 more weeks. Who needs new clothes when there are new cds and new books to be had? Also, new jamming possibilities! At this cool event held in a cafe called Songs in the Dark. Maaaybe. We'll see. But I'll have to brush up on picking songs up, am definitely rusty.
Other things I might finally get round to doing? Enter a couple of poetry competitions, start playing classical piano (with scores this time!) again, get back into learning French, finishing essays, trying to go for a poetry reading (stop organising formals on poetry reading days!) and looking for the elusive poetry slammers of Cambridge. They're bound to be here somewhere...
It's all looking good though. And I glad that I'm where I am, when I am, with the people I am, and with who I am. I think one might call this peace.
We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.
Ode, Arthur O'Shaughnessy
Gary Jules, Trading Snakecoil for Wolftickets - £1
Richard Ashcroft, Keys to the World - £2
Oasis, Familiar to Millions - £3
Which, even if I convert it to S$, is $18 for 3 albums! C'mon, you've got to admit it was a bargain. Then, because I had a couple of coins left from the $10 I had broken, I walked into the clearance Galloway & Porters on Sidney Street...a bad idea if I don't want to buy anything, because there's inadvertently something I like at a ridiculously low price, and bought a huge tome of 'Best Loved Poems' for £2.95.
Am content now, and have also rationalised away all shopping urges for about 2 more weeks. Who needs new clothes when there are new cds and new books to be had? Also, new jamming possibilities! At this cool event held in a cafe called Songs in the Dark. Maaaybe. We'll see. But I'll have to brush up on picking songs up, am definitely rusty.
Other things I might finally get round to doing? Enter a couple of poetry competitions, start playing classical piano (with scores this time!) again, get back into learning French, finishing essays, trying to go for a poetry reading (stop organising formals on poetry reading days!) and looking for the elusive poetry slammers of Cambridge. They're bound to be here somewhere...
It's all looking good though. And I glad that I'm where I am, when I am, with the people I am, and with who I am. I think one might call this peace.
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.
Ode, Arthur O'Shaughnessy
Friday, January 18, 2008
::finally::
If
Rudyard Kippling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat these two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
While I reiterate that I'm not a man, nor do I want to be...'If' pretty much sums up the attitude that's gonna be necessary now.
And I'm proud of myself. Dissertation draft done, up on time, room tidied, books to be borrowed planned...weekend (kinda) sorted. Here's to a great Lent.
Rudyard Kippling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat these two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
While I reiterate that I'm not a man, nor do I want to be...'If' pretty much sums up the attitude that's gonna be necessary now.
And I'm proud of myself. Dissertation draft done, up on time, room tidied, books to be borrowed planned...weekend (kinda) sorted. Here's to a great Lent.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
It was a beautiful day
With things which reminded us nothing could be perfect.
More snow than I've seen in my life, more fear on the top of a slope than I've felt in my life, more tears than I'm proud of, more happiness than I thought actually doing it...and more comfort drawn from the clowns than I thought possible :)
Skiing was...not less terrifying than I thought it'd be, knowing I never was comfortable with heights, speed, and diminished control...which is exactly what skiing combines. It took me to the last day to dare to trust me, and helluva lot of patience on the Jons' part (one more than the other, but heyyy sometimes one needs yelling to get things done ;))
Am quite gutted my camera died on me, and also that I didn't pick actual skiing up fast enough to actually go skiing with the boys - probably something that's gonna take me some time to get over. There's really nothing more frustrating than knowing you could if you would, but that you won't because you're just too stupidly scared. Sitting inside watching people on the slopes was, well, not fun. And then being bored out of my mind on the magic carpet, but close to tears at the idea of another steep slope. But then the feeling of skiing down the slope I'd taken my skis off and walked down a couple of days before was nothing short of amazing. It really was a shame it was only on the last day...but then, now I can really say I want to go back next year. And I didn't, two days ago.
Also, I've got a proper injury. Ow, my knee. :D
Learnt more than skiing this week, too. Lessons I guess it's about time I decided to retain.
Was it fantastic? Well, no, there were disappointments. But mostly of my own making. And I had the best time with the best friends I have here. So yes, I'll be going back. Varsity 2008, we'll be there :)
More snow than I've seen in my life, more fear on the top of a slope than I've felt in my life, more tears than I'm proud of, more happiness than I thought actually doing it...and more comfort drawn from the clowns than I thought possible :)
Skiing was...not less terrifying than I thought it'd be, knowing I never was comfortable with heights, speed, and diminished control...which is exactly what skiing combines. It took me to the last day to dare to trust me, and helluva lot of patience on the Jons' part (one more than the other, but heyyy sometimes one needs yelling to get things done ;))
Am quite gutted my camera died on me, and also that I didn't pick actual skiing up fast enough to actually go skiing with the boys - probably something that's gonna take me some time to get over. There's really nothing more frustrating than knowing you could if you would, but that you won't because you're just too stupidly scared. Sitting inside watching people on the slopes was, well, not fun. And then being bored out of my mind on the magic carpet, but close to tears at the idea of another steep slope. But then the feeling of skiing down the slope I'd taken my skis off and walked down a couple of days before was nothing short of amazing. It really was a shame it was only on the last day...but then, now I can really say I want to go back next year. And I didn't, two days ago.
Also, I've got a proper injury. Ow, my knee. :D
Learnt more than skiing this week, too. Lessons I guess it's about time I decided to retain.
Was it fantastic? Well, no, there were disappointments. But mostly of my own making. And I had the best time with the best friends I have here. So yes, I'll be going back. Varsity 2008, we'll be there :)
Friday, December 07, 2007
Content.
I've had a productive day. Finished a good part of my dissertation draft, have ideas about my portfolio essay, but most importantly, FOUND THE LAUNDRETTE. Clothes are now spinning happily in the washer. There are 2 salmon fish cakes baking in the oven, and I'm now making up a list of what to bring for Varsity.
I think I might just have finally gotten things under control.
:)
I think I might just have finally gotten things under control.
:)
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Dear friend I love you
are your sheets warm tonight?
Last days are funny things. Last days of term, last days of months, last days of week(days), last days in places, last days of places. Kind of like, ends of beginnings, but beginnings of ends.
I've had an...interesting term. Learnt much, lived much, loved much. And really, what more could be asked?
And in the spirit of beginnings and ends...
The view from my old room at dusk
My new room in the morning
Here's to Advent, Christmas, and the New Year.
Last days are funny things. Last days of term, last days of months, last days of week(days), last days in places, last days of places. Kind of like, ends of beginnings, but beginnings of ends.
I've had an...interesting term. Learnt much, lived much, loved much. And really, what more could be asked?
And in the spirit of beginnings and ends...
The view from my old room at dusk
My new room in the morning
Here's to Advent, Christmas, and the New Year.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Resolution and Independence
There was a roaring in the wind all night,
The rain came heavily and fell in floods;
But now the sun is rising calm and bright;
The birds are singing in the distant woods;
Over his own sweet voice the Stock-dove broods;
The Jay makes answer as the Magpie chatters
And all the air is filled with pleasant noise of waters.
Wordsworth
There was a roaring in the wind all night. And all afternoon, too. And the rain did come heavily and fall in floods. I am, happily, sat in the warmth of my room. Hopefully, this essay will be done before the sun rises calm and bright. I can do without hearing the birds singing in the (not-so) distant woods, thank you..
The rain came heavily and fell in floods;
But now the sun is rising calm and bright;
The birds are singing in the distant woods;
Over his own sweet voice the Stock-dove broods;
The Jay makes answer as the Magpie chatters
And all the air is filled with pleasant noise of waters.
Wordsworth
There was a roaring in the wind all night. And all afternoon, too. And the rain did come heavily and fall in floods. I am, happily, sat in the warmth of my room. Hopefully, this essay will be done before the sun rises calm and bright. I can do without hearing the birds singing in the (not-so) distant woods, thank you..
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Six weeks, three to go
Don't get me wrong. I love cambridge. And every time I leave it's a painful tearing away. But everybody gets homesick sometimes. And I find myself yearning for home. For simple love, for honest affection, for people who would never lie to me, or hurt me, and who really, genuinely care.
And then I think about it, and I think, well, isn't that really quite selfish? It shouldn't all be about me. I've had that simple love, honest affection, and sincerity, for 21 years. Surely I can handle being away from all that, for 9 months a year. And I can. I have. But I'm tired.
And sometimes all I really want to do is go home.
where the streets have no name
And then I think about it, and I think, well, isn't that really quite selfish? It shouldn't all be about me. I've had that simple love, honest affection, and sincerity, for 21 years. Surely I can handle being away from all that, for 9 months a year. And I can. I have. But I'm tired.
And sometimes all I really want to do is go home.
where the streets have no name
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
So kiss me and smile for me
Departure time: 9am, Changi Airport.
I don't expect anyone to be there, cuz I'm gonna be going in around 8ish, and frankly that's waaaay too early. Shane if you turn up I'm calling your mother.
It's been great.
I can't find my passport. It could be better :p
Going to go look for it, and finish up packing now.
Cambridge, I'm coming hoooooome baby ;)
I don't expect anyone to be there, cuz I'm gonna be going in around 8ish, and frankly that's waaaay too early. Shane if you turn up I'm calling your mother.
It's been great.
I can't find my passport. It could be better :p
Going to go look for it, and finish up packing now.
Cambridge, I'm coming hoooooome baby ;)
Friday, September 07, 2007
The Jeweller's Shop
Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here know how to fight
And it’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from
Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from...
Sarah McLachlan, Ice Cream
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here know how to fight
And it’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from
Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from...
Sarah McLachlan, Ice Cream
Monday, August 27, 2007
Vanessa Carlton, Paradise
Once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight... to fight
And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
As darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes
she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light... her light
And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright... alright
Don't pretend to hold it in just let it out
don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
don't you try to hold it in just let it out and
don't you try to hold it in you hold it in
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight... to fight
And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
As darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes
she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light... her light
And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright... alright
Don't pretend to hold it in just let it out
don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
don't you try to hold it in just let it out and
don't you try to hold it in you hold it in
Monday, August 13, 2007
Summer lovin'
happened so fast
It did, didn't it. It's been over a month since I've come home, and I've got just over a month till I go back. I'm not complaining either way though. It's been a brilliant holiday so far...french classes, lindy hop (finally convinced someone to go with me :D), dancing in a play, poetry slamming, found a writers' circle, relief teaching, poetry teaching, SINGFEST (STRANGLERS.SHAGGY.SUGARRAY.THESASHABACHBAND.CINDYLAUPER.PETSHOPBOYS. wish i could have gone for the second day); and on the horizon, possibly kickboxing and definitely Funeral for a Friend. In between I've managed to read...ohhh about 7 books, 4 of which are no where NEAR being on my reading list. But it's all good.
I love home. I love Cambridge too, though. The intensity of both loves worries me. If I end up being the kind of person who falls in love with every place she spends more than a month in, I'm gonna be rootedly screwed when it comes to deciding where I want to stay. And I want to stay SOMEWHERE. No nomadic lifestyle choice here, thanks. Might help if the boy has strong opinions...assuming there's a boy in the first place. Right now, just to clear things up, there isn't. Which is - really quite alright. And I surprise myself saying that, seeing as how it WASN'T quite alright just a couple of months ago. I really don't seem to feel the need for another half at this point...I'm feeling quite whole as it is. Which is nice. I'm hoping it's not merely because I'm home and therefore helluva lot more secure. Hoping that maybe I've reached some kind of transcendental maturity, emotions wise ;) thinking that's probably quite unlikely and that when I go back to Cam it's all gonna start again. OhWell.
I've been doing a little soul-searching since coming home. Didn't really like the person I was becoming in Cam, didn't always like the things she was doing, was agreeing to do and beginning to enjoy doing. And the things she was surreptitiously choosing not to do, even though she wanted to or felt she should. But things are pretty intense, and happen really fast. I never really got a chance to stop and think (though chances to cry over it I had ample), and question. I've decided the only person responsible is me. I guess my need for people too often took precedence over beliefs and behaviourial choices I should have made, or made clear. And when it comes to it, I'm for some reason strangely insecure there...and ok, fine Shane, naturally quite manja. Lack of affection rattles me. Which, I suppose, accounts for my emo-ness, and the generally annoying personality which was beginning to form. I think she was still around, the first couple of weeks home. But she's pretty much disappeared now, I hope...and the nicer results of being away from home are (also hopefully) beginning to show. Like a thicker skin, for example ;) Though still not as thick as it could be. Not sure if I want it any thicker, to be honest. People should realise words hurt, regardless of long-term intent.
The other bone I had to pick with me was the distance I was allowing to form between me and God. I'm not sure if allowing is the right word. Many times I deliberately turned away...guilt's not a nice feeling, and my reasoning went, the further away I am from God, the less guilt I'll feel, right? Well, right, to a point. 'cept I suppose it makes a difference when you know He's still around, waiting patiently for you to come back to your senses. I do a lot of sulking in my prayers. Most prayers went something like.."I KNOW I shouldn't have. But it was so much easier to...and look, I'm here all alone. Alloooone. The least you could do was send me ONE person who'd understand. But nooooo. *sulk*" SomeoneWho'dUnderstand hasn't shown up yet...but I figure it's only a matter of time. And I got the reassuarance I needed from someone I really respect, here at home. It's so much easier to be Catholic, here. Going to Church isn't something you have to plan for, making the right decisions aren't really decisions at all, and, I feel, most essentially...there are Catholics too. Catholics who pray, who sing, who face problems and share them together. Who think, who read, who question, who believe. Who are there to love, and to advise, and to hug. Just...Catholics who are there. I don't know what I would have done if I had come home, and the people I knew to be there just...weren't. In Cam I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, if I'm fighting at all. Here...I'm part of an army. Which is...empowering, I guess. So while waiting for SomeoneWho'dUnderstand to show up, I'll just wait, and pray, and build.
Still there? Amazing. And if you've skipped the words, I'll summarize it for you. I'm so glad I'm home.
But I can't wait to go back, either. I miss the kids, I miss the place, I miss the books...I miss the learning. AND I want to take up modern dance, I want to start a poetry slam club, I want to start a weekly Ask-the-Priest thing in my room. I want to work on my diss (I could work on it now, really...I should, actually. But hey.), I want to keep writing poems, I want to write in literary journals. I want to punt, want to learn horseback riding, can't wait for the ski trip at the end of the year. I want to keep doing French and pick up Spanish, I want to win book prizes and travel grants and build an army.
And to top it all, I'm 21 in just over a month. No, I don't want any presents. I've got all I need. I've got the best friends, the best family, the best (the only, really) God...I don't need any presents. Just your laughter, your hugs, and your prayers. :)
I want to be that matchstick.
It did, didn't it. It's been over a month since I've come home, and I've got just over a month till I go back. I'm not complaining either way though. It's been a brilliant holiday so far...french classes, lindy hop (finally convinced someone to go with me :D), dancing in a play, poetry slamming, found a writers' circle, relief teaching, poetry teaching, SINGFEST (STRANGLERS.SHAGGY.SUGARRAY.THESASHABACHBAND.CINDYLAUPER.PETSHOPBOYS. wish i could have gone for the second day); and on the horizon, possibly kickboxing and definitely Funeral for a Friend. In between I've managed to read...ohhh about 7 books, 4 of which are no where NEAR being on my reading list. But it's all good.
I love home. I love Cambridge too, though. The intensity of both loves worries me. If I end up being the kind of person who falls in love with every place she spends more than a month in, I'm gonna be rootedly screwed when it comes to deciding where I want to stay. And I want to stay SOMEWHERE. No nomadic lifestyle choice here, thanks. Might help if the boy has strong opinions...assuming there's a boy in the first place. Right now, just to clear things up, there isn't. Which is - really quite alright. And I surprise myself saying that, seeing as how it WASN'T quite alright just a couple of months ago. I really don't seem to feel the need for another half at this point...I'm feeling quite whole as it is. Which is nice. I'm hoping it's not merely because I'm home and therefore helluva lot more secure. Hoping that maybe I've reached some kind of transcendental maturity, emotions wise ;) thinking that's probably quite unlikely and that when I go back to Cam it's all gonna start again. OhWell.
I've been doing a little soul-searching since coming home. Didn't really like the person I was becoming in Cam, didn't always like the things she was doing, was agreeing to do and beginning to enjoy doing. And the things she was surreptitiously choosing not to do, even though she wanted to or felt she should. But things are pretty intense, and happen really fast. I never really got a chance to stop and think (though chances to cry over it I had ample), and question. I've decided the only person responsible is me. I guess my need for people too often took precedence over beliefs and behaviourial choices I should have made, or made clear. And when it comes to it, I'm for some reason strangely insecure there...and ok, fine Shane, naturally quite manja. Lack of affection rattles me. Which, I suppose, accounts for my emo-ness, and the generally annoying personality which was beginning to form. I think she was still around, the first couple of weeks home. But she's pretty much disappeared now, I hope...and the nicer results of being away from home are (also hopefully) beginning to show. Like a thicker skin, for example ;) Though still not as thick as it could be. Not sure if I want it any thicker, to be honest. People should realise words hurt, regardless of long-term intent.
The other bone I had to pick with me was the distance I was allowing to form between me and God. I'm not sure if allowing is the right word. Many times I deliberately turned away...guilt's not a nice feeling, and my reasoning went, the further away I am from God, the less guilt I'll feel, right? Well, right, to a point. 'cept I suppose it makes a difference when you know He's still around, waiting patiently for you to come back to your senses. I do a lot of sulking in my prayers. Most prayers went something like.."I KNOW I shouldn't have. But it was so much easier to...and look, I'm here all alone. Alloooone. The least you could do was send me ONE person who'd understand. But nooooo. *sulk*" SomeoneWho'dUnderstand hasn't shown up yet...but I figure it's only a matter of time. And I got the reassuarance I needed from someone I really respect, here at home. It's so much easier to be Catholic, here. Going to Church isn't something you have to plan for, making the right decisions aren't really decisions at all, and, I feel, most essentially...there are Catholics too. Catholics who pray, who sing, who face problems and share them together. Who think, who read, who question, who believe. Who are there to love, and to advise, and to hug. Just...Catholics who are there. I don't know what I would have done if I had come home, and the people I knew to be there just...weren't. In Cam I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, if I'm fighting at all. Here...I'm part of an army. Which is...empowering, I guess. So while waiting for SomeoneWho'dUnderstand to show up, I'll just wait, and pray, and build.
Still there? Amazing. And if you've skipped the words, I'll summarize it for you. I'm so glad I'm home.
But I can't wait to go back, either. I miss the kids, I miss the place, I miss the books...I miss the learning. AND I want to take up modern dance, I want to start a poetry slam club, I want to start a weekly Ask-the-Priest thing in my room. I want to work on my diss (I could work on it now, really...I should, actually. But hey.), I want to keep writing poems, I want to write in literary journals. I want to punt, want to learn horseback riding, can't wait for the ski trip at the end of the year. I want to keep doing French and pick up Spanish, I want to win book prizes and travel grants and build an army.
And to top it all, I'm 21 in just over a month. No, I don't want any presents. I've got all I need. I've got the best friends, the best family, the best (the only, really) God...I don't need any presents. Just your laughter, your hugs, and your prayers. :)
I want to be that matchstick.
Friday, June 15, 2007
It's funny, she thought, how you unconsciously give up trying. How slowly, but surely, you learn to look away, fight back the tears, swallow the pain, and deal. How quickly you discover an ability to make friends and then watch them walk away, all the time struggling not to run after, knowing that they're really happier moving on. Funny too, how rapidly people forget promises of everlasting friendship, of offers of interest, of time. Time is funny, the way it belongs to everyone, but is never satisfactorily yours. Funny how nothing ever actually seems satisfactorily yours. Not time, not friends, not love. They belong to everyone. And sometimes to someone. But never, really, you. So you share - not always gracefully, but nobody seems to notice anyway. It's so easy to be, unnoticed. Of course everyone's aware you're there, and almost definitely if you weren't, someone would say they wished you were. Since you are though, there's no need for that. It's funny, she thought, how you unconsciously give up trying...but never consciously give up.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Watching the world spin round
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?
It is breaking me down
No more friend around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself...
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself
Losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?
I'm exaggerating. But I do really need to find someway to vent things, or at some point I probably will explode. I'm thinking kick-boxing. Or possibly, just a really long, long, hug, from someone who'd understand. The latter condition probably being the reason why kick-boxing lessons will just be an easier way forward.
Damn it, Val. Deal like you always do.
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