Raffles Institution
The School That Suited You Most!
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Rofl. I don't know if I should be amused or insulted. Probably a little of both. Argh. I hate exams.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
Blogging hiatus: 2 days
Time to read: Priceless
I am rediscovering the joys of reading, thanks to a Humanities day stint which required me to fish for books I loved, and passages I would love others to hear. My first choice was the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice:
On second thoughts, it's way too long to type out here, and I'm not sure if I'll be infringing copyrights.
The day before the event though, I found out that I couldn't do Pride and Prejudice because someone else had chosen it first, (and had chosen the exact same chapter too, as I discovered eventually) and so I had to choose something else. After exactly 4 minutes of brain storming, I remembered my pre-Austen all time favourite: The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint Exupery. I love the whole book, but as I had only about 4 minutes for my passage, I chose this one:
On the fifth day - again, as always, it was thanks to the sheep - the secret of the little prince's life was revealed to me. Abruptly, without anything to lead up to it, and as if the question had been born of long and silent meditation on his problem, he demanded:
"A sheep - if it eats little bushes, does it eat flowers, too?"
"A sheep," I answered, "eats anything it finds in its reach."
"Even flowers that have thorns?"
"Yes, even flowers that have thorns."
"Then the thorns - what use are they?"
I did not know. At that moment I was very busy trying to unscrew a bolt that had got stuck in my engine. I was very much worried, for it was becoming clear to me that the breakdown of my plane was extremely serious. And I had so little drinking-water left that I had to fear the worst.
"The thorns - what use are they?"
The little prince never let go of a question, once he had asked it. As for me, I was upset over that bolt. And I answered with the first thing that came into my head:
"The thorns are of no use at all. Flowers have thorns just for spite!"
"Oh!"
There was a moment of complete silence. Then the little prince flashed back at me, with a kind of resentfulness:
"I don't believe you! Flowers are weak creatures. They are naiive. They reassure themselves as best they can. They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons..."
I did not answer. At that instant I was saying to myself: "If this bolt still won't turn, I am going to knock it out with the hammer." Again the little prince disturbed my thoughts:
"And you actually believe that the flowers - "
"Oh, no!" I cried. "No, no, no! I don't believe anything. I answered you with the first thing that came into my head. Don't you see - I am very busy with matters of consequence!"
He stared at me, thunderstruck.
"Matters of consequence!"
He looked at me there, with my hammer in my hand, my fingers black with engine-grease, bending down over an object which seemed to him extremely ugly...
"You talk just like the grown-ups!"
That made me a little ashamed. But he went on, relentlessly:
"You mix everything up together...You confuse everything..."
He was really very angry. He tossed his golden curls in the breeze.
"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over, just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!' And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man - he is a mushroom!"
"A what?"
"A mushroom!"
The little prince was now white with rage.
"The flowers have been growing thorns for millions of years. For millions of years the sheep have been eating them just the same. And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never of any use to them? Is the warfare between the sheep and the flowers not important? Is this not of more consequence than a fat red-faced gentleman's sums? And if I know - I, myself - one flower which is unique in the world, which grows nowhere but on my planet, but which one little sheep can destroy in a single bite some morning, without even noticing what he is doing - Oh! You think that is not important!"
His face turned from white to red as he continued:
"If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself: 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened...And you think that is not important!"
He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing.
The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment now was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:
"The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will - "
I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.
It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
And, on a related note, it is such a lonely place, the land of fears. (Back to me. Reality calls.)
Fears of falling: out of track. out of mind. in love. apart.
Fears of needing: comfort. people. more than what i have.
Fears of feeling: out of control. powerless. alone. needy.
Powerless-ness. I think most of us fear that. A situation where you can't do anything about anything. Yet somehow, it could be a liberating situation. One in which you have no choice but to put it all in His hands. And then you realise that it's been there all along. And then you are free.
I am rediscovering the joys of reading, thanks to a Humanities day stint which required me to fish for books I loved, and passages I would love others to hear. My first choice was the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice:
On second thoughts, it's way too long to type out here, and I'm not sure if I'll be infringing copyrights.
The day before the event though, I found out that I couldn't do Pride and Prejudice because someone else had chosen it first, (and had chosen the exact same chapter too, as I discovered eventually) and so I had to choose something else. After exactly 4 minutes of brain storming, I remembered my pre-Austen all time favourite: The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint Exupery. I love the whole book, but as I had only about 4 minutes for my passage, I chose this one:
On the fifth day - again, as always, it was thanks to the sheep - the secret of the little prince's life was revealed to me. Abruptly, without anything to lead up to it, and as if the question had been born of long and silent meditation on his problem, he demanded:
"A sheep - if it eats little bushes, does it eat flowers, too?"
"A sheep," I answered, "eats anything it finds in its reach."
"Even flowers that have thorns?"
"Yes, even flowers that have thorns."
"Then the thorns - what use are they?"
I did not know. At that moment I was very busy trying to unscrew a bolt that had got stuck in my engine. I was very much worried, for it was becoming clear to me that the breakdown of my plane was extremely serious. And I had so little drinking-water left that I had to fear the worst.
"The thorns - what use are they?"
The little prince never let go of a question, once he had asked it. As for me, I was upset over that bolt. And I answered with the first thing that came into my head:
"The thorns are of no use at all. Flowers have thorns just for spite!"
"Oh!"
There was a moment of complete silence. Then the little prince flashed back at me, with a kind of resentfulness:
"I don't believe you! Flowers are weak creatures. They are naiive. They reassure themselves as best they can. They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons..."
I did not answer. At that instant I was saying to myself: "If this bolt still won't turn, I am going to knock it out with the hammer." Again the little prince disturbed my thoughts:
"And you actually believe that the flowers - "
"Oh, no!" I cried. "No, no, no! I don't believe anything. I answered you with the first thing that came into my head. Don't you see - I am very busy with matters of consequence!"
He stared at me, thunderstruck.
"Matters of consequence!"
He looked at me there, with my hammer in my hand, my fingers black with engine-grease, bending down over an object which seemed to him extremely ugly...
"You talk just like the grown-ups!"
That made me a little ashamed. But he went on, relentlessly:
"You mix everything up together...You confuse everything..."
He was really very angry. He tossed his golden curls in the breeze.
"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over, just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!' And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man - he is a mushroom!"
"A what?"
"A mushroom!"
The little prince was now white with rage.
"The flowers have been growing thorns for millions of years. For millions of years the sheep have been eating them just the same. And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never of any use to them? Is the warfare between the sheep and the flowers not important? Is this not of more consequence than a fat red-faced gentleman's sums? And if I know - I, myself - one flower which is unique in the world, which grows nowhere but on my planet, but which one little sheep can destroy in a single bite some morning, without even noticing what he is doing - Oh! You think that is not important!"
His face turned from white to red as he continued:
"If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself: 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened...And you think that is not important!"
He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing.
The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment now was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:
"The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will - "
I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.
It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
And, on a related note, it is such a lonely place, the land of fears. (Back to me. Reality calls.)
Fears of falling: out of track. out of mind. in love. apart.
Fears of needing: comfort. people. more than what i have.
Fears of feeling: out of control. powerless. alone. needy.
Powerless-ness. I think most of us fear that. A situation where you can't do anything about anything. Yet somehow, it could be a liberating situation. One in which you have no choice but to put it all in His hands. And then you realise that it's been there all along. And then you are free.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
And this is probably one of the most sublimally beautiful tragic love scenes in the history of literature:
They were strangers who had met in a chance encounter.
They had known each other before Life began.
There is very little that anyone could say to clarify what happened next. Nothing that (in Mammachi's book) would seperate Sex from Love. Or Needs from Feelings.
Except perhaps that no Watcher watched through Rahel's eyes. No one stared out of a window at the sea. Or a boat in the river. Or a passer-by in the mist in a hat.
Except perhaps that it was a little cold. A little wet. But very quiet. The Air.
But what was there to say?
Only that there were tears. Only that Quietness and Emptiness fitted together like stacked spoons. Only that there was a snuffling in the hollows at the base of a lovely throat. Only that a honey-coloured shoulder had a semi-circle of teethmarks on it. Only that they held each other close, long after it was over. Only that what they shared that night was not happiness, but hideous grief.
Only that once again they broke the Love Laws. That lay down who should be loved. And how. And how much.
Yet another excerpt from "The God of Small Things". Honestly, reading this book reminds me again and again why I love lit, and why I'll never regret doing an extra year for it. I would copy out the scene between Ammu and Velutha and the end of the novel, except that I suspect that would be a spoiler (as yet, those who havnt read the book wouldn't know who this particular scene is between). Also, I might horrify certain readers with the blatant eroticism and sexuality of an A-level text. Not that I'm complaining mind you. It's about time people stop seeing sex as dirty, or just plain fun, but as something beautiful. (As a pointed aside, the Catholic Church doesn't view sex as dirty. Sex, as an act of love (and thus pro-creation) is beautiful - as is sexuality.)
Right. Back to Ayemenem then.
They were strangers who had met in a chance encounter.
They had known each other before Life began.
There is very little that anyone could say to clarify what happened next. Nothing that (in Mammachi's book) would seperate Sex from Love. Or Needs from Feelings.
Except perhaps that no Watcher watched through Rahel's eyes. No one stared out of a window at the sea. Or a boat in the river. Or a passer-by in the mist in a hat.
Except perhaps that it was a little cold. A little wet. But very quiet. The Air.
But what was there to say?
Only that there were tears. Only that Quietness and Emptiness fitted together like stacked spoons. Only that there was a snuffling in the hollows at the base of a lovely throat. Only that a honey-coloured shoulder had a semi-circle of teethmarks on it. Only that they held each other close, long after it was over. Only that what they shared that night was not happiness, but hideous grief.
Only that once again they broke the Love Laws. That lay down who should be loved. And how. And how much.
Yet another excerpt from "The God of Small Things". Honestly, reading this book reminds me again and again why I love lit, and why I'll never regret doing an extra year for it. I would copy out the scene between Ammu and Velutha and the end of the novel, except that I suspect that would be a spoiler (as yet, those who havnt read the book wouldn't know who this particular scene is between). Also, I might horrify certain readers with the blatant eroticism and sexuality of an A-level text. Not that I'm complaining mind you. It's about time people stop seeing sex as dirty, or just plain fun, but as something beautiful. (As a pointed aside, the Catholic Church doesn't view sex as dirty. Sex, as an act of love (and thus pro-creation) is beautiful - as is sexuality.)
Right. Back to Ayemenem then.
Attn all guys: This is NOT sweet
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way
Girl: What would you choose: your life..orme?
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.
Now, once and for all, let me make this clear. When a girl asks a guy if he likes her, it is NOT the time to be smart alec-y. SO not the time. The whole rubbish about the 'real' reasons sound more to me like polished attempts at reversing a break-up scenario. Not funny, not very smart. Feelings are not oratorical competitions you nitwits.
Right. All in the world is right again. I can't BELIEVE someone sent me that with the heading: so sweeeeeeeet. I'll like to see the girl in the scenario say the same. Sheesh.
On to more serious stuff. This is one of the most heart-rending passages I've ever read:
This was the stuff their dreams were made of. On the day that Estha was Returned. Chalk. Blackboards. Proper punishments.
They didn't ask to be let off lightly. They only asked for punishments that fitted their crimes. Not ones that came like cupboards with built-in bedrooms. Not ones you spent your whole life in, wandering through its maze of shelves.
Without warning the train began to move. Very slowly.
Estha's pupils dilated. His nails dug into Ammu's hand as she walked along the platform. Her walk turning into a run as the Madras Mail picked up speed.
Godbless, my baby. My sweetheart. I'll come for you soon!
'Ammu!' Estha said as she disengaged her hand. Prising loose small finger after finger. 'Ammu! Feeling vomity!' Estha's voice lifted into a wail.
Little Elvis the Pelvis with a spoiled, special-outing puff. And beige and pointy shoes. He left his voice behind.
On the station platform Rahel doubled over and screamed and screamed.
The train pulled out. The light pulled in.
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No way
Girl: What would you choose: your life..orme?
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.
Now, once and for all, let me make this clear. When a girl asks a guy if he likes her, it is NOT the time to be smart alec-y. SO not the time. The whole rubbish about the 'real' reasons sound more to me like polished attempts at reversing a break-up scenario. Not funny, not very smart. Feelings are not oratorical competitions you nitwits.
Right. All in the world is right again. I can't BELIEVE someone sent me that with the heading: so sweeeeeeeet. I'll like to see the girl in the scenario say the same. Sheesh.
On to more serious stuff. This is one of the most heart-rending passages I've ever read:
This was the stuff their dreams were made of. On the day that Estha was Returned. Chalk. Blackboards. Proper punishments.
They didn't ask to be let off lightly. They only asked for punishments that fitted their crimes. Not ones that came like cupboards with built-in bedrooms. Not ones you spent your whole life in, wandering through its maze of shelves.
Without warning the train began to move. Very slowly.
Estha's pupils dilated. His nails dug into Ammu's hand as she walked along the platform. Her walk turning into a run as the Madras Mail picked up speed.
Godbless, my baby. My sweetheart. I'll come for you soon!
'Ammu!' Estha said as she disengaged her hand. Prising loose small finger after finger. 'Ammu! Feeling vomity!' Estha's voice lifted into a wail.
Little Elvis the Pelvis with a spoiled, special-outing puff. And beige and pointy shoes. He left his voice behind.
On the station platform Rahel doubled over and screamed and screamed.
The train pulled out. The light pulled in.
Excerpt from "The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy
Really, really beautiful book. Word after word, line after line, passage after passage, page after page of heartbreak. So that you never want to read it again. But you do (and not just because I'm studying it for paper 5, although that IS a pretty good reason), simply because of the sheer beauty of her words, and the compulsive-ness of the story. If you've never read it, go and read it now. And if you've read it, go and read it again.
In this book I've discovered the most beautiful, and also most heart-rending word: Naaley. Tomorrow.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Back to the Grind
I suppose I should have been prepared for the realisation that nothing is ever over until it really is truly over.
Nobody would have understood that, don't beat yourself up over it.
Well my results were less than satisfactory, for me at least. I've got a long way to go to the results I'm aiming for for both the prelims and the blasted As. Still, it's a shorter way than what it was a month ago, and for that I'm thankful.
I love the ache my body feels after a good swim/run/climb/workout. When I arch my back there's this nice, stretched feeling that runs all the way from the base of my neck to my tailbone. Yes, I know it's called a spine.
Tailbone. A vestige of the tails of a Darwinian ancestor? Although I don't believe in his theory of evolution, there are amazing similarities between our monkey friends and us. Not the least being the incessant chattering one is surrounded with in a predominantly girl class ;)
I love my class. eunice azzah sy dora jac max wilson mos houston libby jinx wulan grass gardine camy janice eunice abel liying persis mel tania yintong. see what i mean by predominantly girl? But they're darlings, all of them. Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes they're brats. *grinz*
On a more sober note: God bless the souls of all who died in the London subway attack. And the souls of those who died and are dying all around the world. With all due respect, it irks me when only terrorist attacks on major (read: developed and rich) countries get major press attention. Did anybody notice the running thingy at the bottom of the tv on CNN last night? There are tragedies everywhere, manmade and natural. Of course it angers people that people kill people - but really by our every action (and non-action), we kill people too. When's the last time the Straits Times published a headcount of the people (Iraqis, not American) killed in Iraq? Why is it we only get updates on American casualties? How come a land that was supposed to be 'freed' is still under occupation? I have no sympathy for violent Muslim extremists. I don't even have sympathy for violent 'Christian' extremists. I say 'Christian' because Christianity is a religion of peace. A violent Christian is an oxymoron. I do however, have much empathy for the thousands of people who suffer because of them.
On a related note: When I heard about the blasts last night, I messaged a couple of friends telling them about it. One of them replied: "Do you think my people did it?" I said: "Your people? Like who?" And the next message was: "You know. My muslim brothers who get labelled as terrorists." I told him people who kill innocent people are nobody's brothers, changed the subject, and we let it go at that. Maybe he was kidding around. Maybe not. But it begs the question - if something like this happens here, in Singapore - how many of us will still hold 'my people' to be Singaporeans, and how many will switch 'my people' to being those who hold the same religious beliefs as we do? Will friend turn against friend, brother against brother (because I know of families with different religions), mother against child? Or will we stand together, back against the wall, banded against the attacker who no longer is part of 'my people', but the enemy? I hope I know the answer, but sadly, I don't quite know for sure. Maybe we wouldn't physically attack each other. But we may just turn away - and somehow, that will be so much more damaging for a society that is just only begin to turn towards.
Well, it's back to the pseudo-reality of mugging, sighing, mugging and mugging again for me. I'm so glad I'm not prone to hormonal crushes on vampires and stationary. Not to mention ingredients in fish-head curry and tools of tictactoe. I can do without anguishing over semi-developed beings with heads so big they need to wear helmets for 2 years to keep them from imploding due to excess space on the inside. (I'm on a roll here, aren't I.) Thus free from alpha chimp-induced trauma, I WILL get those grades I need. And when those grades are done, (or, occasionally, in-between), I would probably enjoy a bit of alpha chimp attention. Till then though, I'm content with my court jesters. *grinz*
Till next time.
Nobody would have understood that, don't beat yourself up over it.
Well my results were less than satisfactory, for me at least. I've got a long way to go to the results I'm aiming for for both the prelims and the blasted As. Still, it's a shorter way than what it was a month ago, and for that I'm thankful.
I love the ache my body feels after a good swim/run/climb/workout. When I arch my back there's this nice, stretched feeling that runs all the way from the base of my neck to my tailbone. Yes, I know it's called a spine.
Tailbone. A vestige of the tails of a Darwinian ancestor? Although I don't believe in his theory of evolution, there are amazing similarities between our monkey friends and us. Not the least being the incessant chattering one is surrounded with in a predominantly girl class ;)
I love my class. eunice azzah sy dora jac max wilson mos houston libby jinx wulan grass gardine camy janice eunice abel liying persis mel tania yintong. see what i mean by predominantly girl? But they're darlings, all of them. Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes they're brats. *grinz*
On a more sober note: God bless the souls of all who died in the London subway attack. And the souls of those who died and are dying all around the world. With all due respect, it irks me when only terrorist attacks on major (read: developed and rich) countries get major press attention. Did anybody notice the running thingy at the bottom of the tv on CNN last night? There are tragedies everywhere, manmade and natural. Of course it angers people that people kill people - but really by our every action (and non-action), we kill people too. When's the last time the Straits Times published a headcount of the people (Iraqis, not American) killed in Iraq? Why is it we only get updates on American casualties? How come a land that was supposed to be 'freed' is still under occupation? I have no sympathy for violent Muslim extremists. I don't even have sympathy for violent 'Christian' extremists. I say 'Christian' because Christianity is a religion of peace. A violent Christian is an oxymoron. I do however, have much empathy for the thousands of people who suffer because of them.
On a related note: When I heard about the blasts last night, I messaged a couple of friends telling them about it. One of them replied: "Do you think my people did it?" I said: "Your people? Like who?" And the next message was: "You know. My muslim brothers who get labelled as terrorists." I told him people who kill innocent people are nobody's brothers, changed the subject, and we let it go at that. Maybe he was kidding around. Maybe not. But it begs the question - if something like this happens here, in Singapore - how many of us will still hold 'my people' to be Singaporeans, and how many will switch 'my people' to being those who hold the same religious beliefs as we do? Will friend turn against friend, brother against brother (because I know of families with different religions), mother against child? Or will we stand together, back against the wall, banded against the attacker who no longer is part of 'my people', but the enemy? I hope I know the answer, but sadly, I don't quite know for sure. Maybe we wouldn't physically attack each other. But we may just turn away - and somehow, that will be so much more damaging for a society that is just only begin to turn towards.
Well, it's back to the pseudo-reality of mugging, sighing, mugging and mugging again for me. I'm so glad I'm not prone to hormonal crushes on vampires and stationary. Not to mention ingredients in fish-head curry and tools of tictactoe. I can do without anguishing over semi-developed beings with heads so big they need to wear helmets for 2 years to keep them from imploding due to excess space on the inside. (I'm on a roll here, aren't I.) Thus free from alpha chimp-induced trauma, I WILL get those grades I need. And when those grades are done, (or, occasionally, in-between), I would probably enjoy a bit of alpha chimp attention. Till then though, I'm content with my court jesters. *grinz*
Till next time.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Let's talk about Sex
Got your attention, didn't I? This got my attention too:
It can be fun, dangerous, a total high and despite the fact that it can also break your heart, more and more women are doing it. It's that uninvolved liaison with a guy you go to bed with, but aren't committed to. Your one night stand.
Pops up on the MSN Today window every time I sign on to MSN. Well, no. Not the same article, but similar ones. Before I offer my opinion though, let's take a look at what the article is, or is not about.
"It wasn't always this way - even a generation ago, casual sex was relatively unknown for women. Men could sleep around and be regarded as 'sowing their wild oats' without a hint of criticism. But a woman who had casual sex was, and often still is, more likely to be labelled a 'slag' and seen as 'unnatural'."
Hmm. I notice a slight bias in the tone here.
"Casual sex is now more acceptable than it was because nowadays women have the freedom and opportunity for uninvolved lovemaking; we meet men through work, through friends or even through the Internet. We also have easy access to contraception and protection, making it far safer to have sex with no nasty repercussions."
Ah. Nasty repercussions like getting pregnant? I see. Funny. I thought getting pregnant was something of a miracle. Y'know. Gift from God.
"...in a survey in the States commissioned by the Oprah Winfrey Show, 50 per cent of respondents said that casual sex was worth it. They thought it exciting, enjoyable - and a statement of their sexual identity, a reflection of the fact that as a 21st century woman, they wanted to be free to have sex when and with whom they wanted."
So, if I am to be a 21st century woman, I should want to be free to have sex when and with whom I wanted? Oh dear.
"So that's the good news. Sadly, here's the bad. The other 50 per cent of Oprah respondents thought that casual sex wasn't worth it - and 80 per cent of them have had regrets. It isn't the morality, it isn't even a feeling of shame. The main reason that casual sex may not deliver is that we often want more than just the instant hit it offers - and even if we didn't want more when we started, we do when we finish."
Yes, that is bad news. 'That' being the fact that women didn't want to have casual sex not because of morality or a feeling of shame, but merely because it doesn't 'deliver' the way we want it to.
Admittedly, this is an msn article, and so is not a reflection of the singaporean woman the way a Today article, for example, would. But it is a reflection of the way more and more people are thinking. Or at least it would seem so, wouldn't it? The way this article is written, one would think almost everybody was dying for casual sex, and just cant figure out why it isn't 'delivering' for them. Which of course, in this world of almost negligible moral authority, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell everyone that everyone, deep down inside, wants to have a fling with the guy down the street, and everyone would probably belive, and eventually end up wanting it. Of course, I'm making gross generalisations. But this article really did annoy me. And before you accuse me of being narrow-minded and conservative, read the rest of the article here. And then let me state, for the record, that I am conservative, so accusing me as such wouldn't hurt much; I am not, I hope, too narrow-minded - but I do like having my own stand.
Sex is not something to be ashamed of; neither is sexuality - both are gifts from God. But sex isn't, and cannot, be casual. Even the article admits that "physiologically, sex creates a flood of hormones that naturally create a bond. Oxytocin (the same hormone that women release while breastfeeding) makes us feel close to a partner and dopamine makes us feel content in his company, both of which are released during sex." Does that sound like something casual to you? Sex is the ultimate, but not the only, act of making love between a husband and wife; it forms a bond probably nothing else can. Is that really something we want to do with every other male within a 500m radius?
I know for a fact that many girls don't take casual sex lightly. That most would wait for marriage before doing anything. Why then do we let the rest of the world have their, and only their opinion heard?
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against people involved in casual sex. I do, however, have something against the people and institutions which make these people believe that casual sex in not only alright, but to be desired - if we are confident enough. That's like saying...you don't wanna have casual sex? Aww...it's ok darling. You'll like it soon enough - it's just a matter of getting used to it. Don't worry, nobody will blame you...yet. Wait. That is what they're saying.
If ever articles like this make it to the mainstream newspaper (mainstream being stuff I read ;) like Today, Streats, TNP and Straits Times), I'm writing in.Morality isn't a disease.
It can be fun, dangerous, a total high and despite the fact that it can also break your heart, more and more women are doing it. It's that uninvolved liaison with a guy you go to bed with, but aren't committed to. Your one night stand.
Pops up on the MSN Today window every time I sign on to MSN. Well, no. Not the same article, but similar ones. Before I offer my opinion though, let's take a look at what the article is, or is not about.
"It wasn't always this way - even a generation ago, casual sex was relatively unknown for women. Men could sleep around and be regarded as 'sowing their wild oats' without a hint of criticism. But a woman who had casual sex was, and often still is, more likely to be labelled a 'slag' and seen as 'unnatural'."
Hmm. I notice a slight bias in the tone here.
"Casual sex is now more acceptable than it was because nowadays women have the freedom and opportunity for uninvolved lovemaking; we meet men through work, through friends or even through the Internet. We also have easy access to contraception and protection, making it far safer to have sex with no nasty repercussions."
Ah. Nasty repercussions like getting pregnant? I see. Funny. I thought getting pregnant was something of a miracle. Y'know. Gift from God.
"...in a survey in the States commissioned by the Oprah Winfrey Show, 50 per cent of respondents said that casual sex was worth it. They thought it exciting, enjoyable - and a statement of their sexual identity, a reflection of the fact that as a 21st century woman, they wanted to be free to have sex when and with whom they wanted."
So, if I am to be a 21st century woman, I should want to be free to have sex when and with whom I wanted? Oh dear.
"So that's the good news. Sadly, here's the bad. The other 50 per cent of Oprah respondents thought that casual sex wasn't worth it - and 80 per cent of them have had regrets. It isn't the morality, it isn't even a feeling of shame. The main reason that casual sex may not deliver is that we often want more than just the instant hit it offers - and even if we didn't want more when we started, we do when we finish."
Yes, that is bad news. 'That' being the fact that women didn't want to have casual sex not because of morality or a feeling of shame, but merely because it doesn't 'deliver' the way we want it to.
Admittedly, this is an msn article, and so is not a reflection of the singaporean woman the way a Today article, for example, would. But it is a reflection of the way more and more people are thinking. Or at least it would seem so, wouldn't it? The way this article is written, one would think almost everybody was dying for casual sex, and just cant figure out why it isn't 'delivering' for them. Which of course, in this world of almost negligible moral authority, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell everyone that everyone, deep down inside, wants to have a fling with the guy down the street, and everyone would probably belive, and eventually end up wanting it. Of course, I'm making gross generalisations. But this article really did annoy me. And before you accuse me of being narrow-minded and conservative, read the rest of the article here. And then let me state, for the record, that I am conservative, so accusing me as such wouldn't hurt much; I am not, I hope, too narrow-minded - but I do like having my own stand.
Sex is not something to be ashamed of; neither is sexuality - both are gifts from God. But sex isn't, and cannot, be casual. Even the article admits that "physiologically, sex creates a flood of hormones that naturally create a bond. Oxytocin (the same hormone that women release while breastfeeding) makes us feel close to a partner and dopamine makes us feel content in his company, both of which are released during sex." Does that sound like something casual to you? Sex is the ultimate, but not the only, act of making love between a husband and wife; it forms a bond probably nothing else can. Is that really something we want to do with every other male within a 500m radius?
I know for a fact that many girls don't take casual sex lightly. That most would wait for marriage before doing anything. Why then do we let the rest of the world have their, and only their opinion heard?
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against people involved in casual sex. I do, however, have something against the people and institutions which make these people believe that casual sex in not only alright, but to be desired - if we are confident enough. That's like saying...you don't wanna have casual sex? Aww...it's ok darling. You'll like it soon enough - it's just a matter of getting used to it. Don't worry, nobody will blame you...yet. Wait. That is what they're saying.
If ever articles like this make it to the mainstream newspaper (mainstream being stuff I read ;) like Today, Streats, TNP and Straits Times), I'm writing in.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Sunday, June 12, 2005
I am a...
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead, according to quizilla.
Well I suppose that's better than a footsie, although I really like hugs from behind. Heh.
Anyway. Previous post deleted. All is sunshine and butterflies again. Ooooh and don't forget the strawberries. (B******s not allowed.)
Did quite a lot today, so reasonably pleased with myself. If i keep going at this rate I just might be prepared enough for the JCTs. might. Swimming and running is going good, but I havnt been to the gym yet. Think i'll do that next week - but i dont wanna go aloooooooone. *sulks*
Did you know that it was once law to say "God bless you" when someone sneezed? I need a Vit C.
Well I suppose that's better than a footsie, although I really like hugs from behind. Heh.
Anyway. Previous post deleted. All is sunshine and butterflies again. Ooooh and don't forget the strawberries. (B******s not allowed.)
Did quite a lot today, so reasonably pleased with myself. If i keep going at this rate I just might be prepared enough for the JCTs. might. Swimming and running is going good, but I havnt been to the gym yet. Think i'll do that next week - but i dont wanna go aloooooooone. *sulks*
Did you know that it was once law to say "God bless you" when someone sneezed? I need a Vit C.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
There's so much more to life than this. No this isn't going to be a whining post. But I sure as hell can't wait for the As to be over, just so that I can be. Just be. And live. Without the guilt of not studying or whatever. Somehow when you lose the status of student, certain boundaries dissolve.
Of course, life after school isnt all it's cut out to be. Everybody says once you're working you really miss schooling. But right now, logic isn't making sense to me. Ever had the feeling of physically wanting to break loose? Yeah. Dangerous feeling. No cause for it either. No immediate cause anyway. It's just a built up tension, resulting in me taking it out on the pool or track. Still not healthy though.
And you know what's really depressing? No matter what, everything's going to remain fake and contrived. Even if i DO get that scholarship. Even if i DO get to where I want to go. It's a short burst of freedom, followed by a stifling by procedures and expectations. There's no where to go but up...but eventually you're gonna hit the ceiling. And wake up with a tremendous headache.
This is, I suppose, where religion and spirituality come in. There at least I know there are unimaginable depths to be explored, and experiences to encounter. There at least I see the authenticity I don't get from mere life. It's a challenge, intellectually and spiritually, to defend what I know to be true. And there at least, but perhaps most importantly, I'm beginning to know true satisfaction.
Of course, life after school isnt all it's cut out to be. Everybody says once you're working you really miss schooling. But right now, logic isn't making sense to me. Ever had the feeling of physically wanting to break loose? Yeah. Dangerous feeling. No cause for it either. No immediate cause anyway. It's just a built up tension, resulting in me taking it out on the pool or track. Still not healthy though.
And you know what's really depressing? No matter what, everything's going to remain fake and contrived. Even if i DO get that scholarship. Even if i DO get to where I want to go. It's a short burst of freedom, followed by a stifling by procedures and expectations. There's no where to go but up...but eventually you're gonna hit the ceiling. And wake up with a tremendous headache.
This is, I suppose, where religion and spirituality come in. There at least I know there are unimaginable depths to be explored, and experiences to encounter. There at least I see the authenticity I don't get from mere life. It's a challenge, intellectually and spiritually, to defend what I know to be true. And there at least, but perhaps most importantly, I'm beginning to know true satisfaction.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
The Keys to Your Heart |
| You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
| In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
| You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. |
| You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
| Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
| Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
| You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
| In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
Substantially accurate. Haha.
Only in Singapore
Seen on the back of a moving van:
Rosak
Spoilt
Pai Liao
Kettu Pochi
Hilarious. Only in Singapore I tell you.
And after several days of soul-searching and pillow-bashing, life is looking up. Cheers everyone.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
One Shot
more accurately, the last shot.
I'm tired of the feelings and emotions. The constant swing from high to low. I'm tired of being affected by words and non-words, of anticipation and disappointment. I refuse to be held hostage by my heart. It's been through enough, and I've sure as hell put others through enough. I don't claim any innocence in the situation, but from now on I claim indifference. Insouciance. Distance. Old wounds don't heal, they only crust over.
I'm not depressed. I'm angry. The kind of anger that seethes - productive anger, since it's been channeled into prep for JCTs. And while it is uncomfortable, and probably not very healthy, it's a happier alternative to wistful, wanful lethargy. I'm not about to ruin the one shot I have at gaining control. So if I seem to talk less and mug more, forgive me. Dreams are all that are keeping me afloat right now.
It's a complex spiral. The more I distance myself, the more I crave companionship. But when there's companionship...I crave solitude. More than anything however, I crave the kind of relationship I had with God in Sec. 3. I miss the ability to wake up every morning and smile because I actually felt Him by my side. I miss the ability to turn to Him every few minutes with a random thought or prayer. Of course, the capability is still there. He has never left. I've just never felt so far away from Him - possibly because before this, I've never felt so close.
And I suppose that's the crux of the whole situation.
What you give is yours for good. What you keep is lost forever.
I'm tired of the feelings and emotions. The constant swing from high to low. I'm tired of being affected by words and non-words, of anticipation and disappointment. I refuse to be held hostage by my heart. It's been through enough, and I've sure as hell put others through enough. I don't claim any innocence in the situation, but from now on I claim indifference. Insouciance. Distance. Old wounds don't heal, they only crust over.
I'm not depressed. I'm angry. The kind of anger that seethes - productive anger, since it's been channeled into prep for JCTs. And while it is uncomfortable, and probably not very healthy, it's a happier alternative to wistful, wanful lethargy. I'm not about to ruin the one shot I have at gaining control. So if I seem to talk less and mug more, forgive me. Dreams are all that are keeping me afloat right now.
It's a complex spiral. The more I distance myself, the more I crave companionship. But when there's companionship...I crave solitude. More than anything however, I crave the kind of relationship I had with God in Sec. 3. I miss the ability to wake up every morning and smile because I actually felt Him by my side. I miss the ability to turn to Him every few minutes with a random thought or prayer. Of course, the capability is still there. He has never left. I've just never felt so far away from Him - possibly because before this, I've never felt so close.
And I suppose that's the crux of the whole situation.
What you give is yours for good. What you keep is lost forever.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Yesterday I realised that true friendship never changes. Friends may, as people and individuals - but the friendship - the reluctantly loving, teasing, eye-rolling occasionally embarassing relationship, never does. I realised that watching 5 people (who will remain un-named to protect their sanity) trying to tie cherry sticks into knots with their tongues, in a brave attempt to prove that they are great kissers. In an attempt to defend my delayed cherry-tying abilities, I was distracted by a couple of monkeys. AND the fact that my cherry stick kept breaking. You know these epiphanies you have sometimes - when you realise you can do infinitely stupid things in front of a bunch of people in general public, and not only will they not stop you, they'll do it with you. (Which is, in retrospect, not merely not quite a good thing, but also potentially rather dangerous - but nevermind.)
And to think I was afraid things might have changed. Well sure they have - it was quite strange watching my batch mates collect graduating prizes, and listen to the girls talk about work and uni, and still be worrying about the JCTs. The morning wasn't devoid of strange looks and whispered nudges either. But sitting in that row 3 rows from the top of the audi, I realised it didn't matter. Cuz we had, no matter what, been through 2 years together. And people who pretended they didn't know you after that really aren't worth bothering about. Besides, it's stimuli to be back next year. Collecting a Best in Something and a 3As award. That would be nice.
I can't wait to be free of all this. This constant pressure to prove myself, to prove that I didn't stay back for nothing after all. To prove that my decision was the right one. And that it was also my best one. The pressure to perform I know I'll always have, because the pressure's coming from me. I need to do well, because otherwise I don't see a point in doing anything at all. (This does not make me anal retentive Libby. I would still do things for fun, but only the fun things. Mugging for As is not one of them.) It's one of the reasons why I decided to switch combis. A decision I should have made much earlier perhaps - in the first 3 months of Year 1 I already knew I was going to struggle with Chem. But then there was pride - the refusal to admit I couldn't do something I put my mind to. And academics had rarely been a problem. When I failed it in June, I blamed it on the extra time I spent on Music and dropped it. Played around with the idea of switching combis then, but wasn't sure of myself enough to push my case. By the time the Promos came I knew I was in serious trouble, but I thought I was too far gone to be turning back. It took the combination of absymal JCT results, an unsympathetic person who will remain anonymous, several supportive Economics tutors, 2 darling wonderful bloody brilliant best friends who said they'll always be behind me AND a particularly decisive frame of mind to make the decision. I havn't regretted it, and I won't. Ever. Still, it has made the pressure to do well even higher, since now ammunition has been provided to naysayers. I'm gonna make sure that backfires.
How a discussion of cherry sticks turned into a rather boring self-affirmation passage I havn't a clue.
Guitar Concert is next week, and I've still got 2 tickets left to sell. $7 each, Friday night 7.30pm at TJ Audi. If anybody's interested just msg me.
Right. Gonna swim tomorrow. In the meantime, it's back to Sudder Street, Calcutta. Happy Vesak Day.
And to think I was afraid things might have changed. Well sure they have - it was quite strange watching my batch mates collect graduating prizes, and listen to the girls talk about work and uni, and still be worrying about the JCTs. The morning wasn't devoid of strange looks and whispered nudges either. But sitting in that row 3 rows from the top of the audi, I realised it didn't matter. Cuz we had, no matter what, been through 2 years together. And people who pretended they didn't know you after that really aren't worth bothering about. Besides, it's stimuli to be back next year. Collecting a Best in Something and a 3As award. That would be nice.
I can't wait to be free of all this. This constant pressure to prove myself, to prove that I didn't stay back for nothing after all. To prove that my decision was the right one. And that it was also my best one. The pressure to perform I know I'll always have, because the pressure's coming from me. I need to do well, because otherwise I don't see a point in doing anything at all. (This does not make me anal retentive Libby. I would still do things for fun, but only the fun things. Mugging for As is not one of them.) It's one of the reasons why I decided to switch combis. A decision I should have made much earlier perhaps - in the first 3 months of Year 1 I already knew I was going to struggle with Chem. But then there was pride - the refusal to admit I couldn't do something I put my mind to. And academics had rarely been a problem. When I failed it in June, I blamed it on the extra time I spent on Music and dropped it. Played around with the idea of switching combis then, but wasn't sure of myself enough to push my case. By the time the Promos came I knew I was in serious trouble, but I thought I was too far gone to be turning back. It took the combination of absymal JCT results, an unsympathetic person who will remain anonymous, several supportive Economics tutors, 2 darling wonderful bloody brilliant best friends who said they'll always be behind me AND a particularly decisive frame of mind to make the decision. I havn't regretted it, and I won't. Ever. Still, it has made the pressure to do well even higher, since now ammunition has been provided to naysayers. I'm gonna make sure that backfires.
How a discussion of cherry sticks turned into a rather boring self-affirmation passage I havn't a clue.
Guitar Concert is next week, and I've still got 2 tickets left to sell. $7 each, Friday night 7.30pm at TJ Audi. If anybody's interested just msg me.
Right. Gonna swim tomorrow. In the meantime, it's back to Sudder Street, Calcutta. Happy Vesak Day.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
15 minutes to post
and just about 11 minutes left
There were countless things to blog about, seeing that I havn't blogged in a while, but I won't say too much cuz I've only got about 10minutes left.
It's been hot. HOT. hot hot hot here. I don't know what the temperature is, or maybe it's just me, but it's so stifling. Your eyes just don't feel good, and your head starts throbbing, and you just don't feel like doing anything. Or maybe it's just plain laziness.
As usual, I've done nothing all weekend. Which is really nothing to be guilty about, since that's what the weekends are supposed to be for. Doing nothing. Still, seeing that I do almost nothing on weekdays too, i should probably aim to balance everything out. Probably.
Sunday nights are fun primarily because of 3 things: Kumars at No. 49, Oprah, and Parkinson. All talkshows, and all (usually) hilarious. Kumars because they are just simply so funny, Oprah because she bullies most of her guests into pure submission and Parkinson because it's British humour damnit. And no, I'm no anglophile. Although Cambridge is pretty.
It's interesting when you can be over your head with homework and studying and tests and rehearsals and meetings and stuff, and still be able to suddenly lean back, breathe in and go: Hey. There is so much more to this. And then shake yourself and get back into the daily grind. But you're surviving because you know there is so much more, so nothing quite gets you down. (That doesn't mean you can mess with me. Or my friends. Or whatever I'm doing. Just because I'm beyond getting annoyed doesn't make me above being annoyed. If you get that.)
I still think it's religion that holds everything together though. The ability to get through the week, with all it's annoyances and pitfalls, failures and downright frustrations, and still shrug it off the next day seems to come from the knowledge that there is a higher order, and the more patient I am with this order the closer I get to reaching the next. I havn't quite reached where I want to be, or even where I used to be in terms of closeness to God, but I'm getting there - with a lot of help from a Friend.
It's Pentecost Sunday today - hands up those who know what that is. No? Ah. Well, that's when the Holy Spirit came down on Jesus' disciples in the Upper Room. In the form of tongues of fire - and that's when they stopped being afraid of the Jews, and proclaimed to everyone the Good News, in all the languages of the people there, so that everybody, whichever nation they came from, understood what they were saying. I heard someone saying it's also known as the birthday of the Church, but I'm not quite sure how accurate that is - I'll check and get back to you.
Talking to my friends, it's kinda true that there are generally a lot of misconceptions about the Catholic Church. I know I keep saying I'll start posting about it, and I never do, but I will the next time I blog. Found this site too, that may answer some questions. www.catholic.com Check it out if you're interested, nevermind if you aren't.
As it is, my 15 minutes are up. Next week is gonna be...interesting. Week 9. Bring it on.
There were countless things to blog about, seeing that I havn't blogged in a while, but I won't say too much cuz I've only got about 10minutes left.
It's been hot. HOT. hot hot hot here. I don't know what the temperature is, or maybe it's just me, but it's so stifling. Your eyes just don't feel good, and your head starts throbbing, and you just don't feel like doing anything. Or maybe it's just plain laziness.
As usual, I've done nothing all weekend. Which is really nothing to be guilty about, since that's what the weekends are supposed to be for. Doing nothing. Still, seeing that I do almost nothing on weekdays too, i should probably aim to balance everything out. Probably.
Sunday nights are fun primarily because of 3 things: Kumars at No. 49, Oprah, and Parkinson. All talkshows, and all (usually) hilarious. Kumars because they are just simply so funny, Oprah because she bullies most of her guests into pure submission and Parkinson because it's British humour damnit. And no, I'm no anglophile. Although Cambridge is pretty.
It's interesting when you can be over your head with homework and studying and tests and rehearsals and meetings and stuff, and still be able to suddenly lean back, breathe in and go: Hey. There is so much more to this. And then shake yourself and get back into the daily grind. But you're surviving because you know there is so much more, so nothing quite gets you down. (That doesn't mean you can mess with me. Or my friends. Or whatever I'm doing. Just because I'm beyond getting annoyed doesn't make me above being annoyed. If you get that.)
I still think it's religion that holds everything together though. The ability to get through the week, with all it's annoyances and pitfalls, failures and downright frustrations, and still shrug it off the next day seems to come from the knowledge that there is a higher order, and the more patient I am with this order the closer I get to reaching the next. I havn't quite reached where I want to be, or even where I used to be in terms of closeness to God, but I'm getting there - with a lot of help from a Friend.
It's Pentecost Sunday today - hands up those who know what that is. No? Ah. Well, that's when the Holy Spirit came down on Jesus' disciples in the Upper Room. In the form of tongues of fire - and that's when they stopped being afraid of the Jews, and proclaimed to everyone the Good News, in all the languages of the people there, so that everybody, whichever nation they came from, understood what they were saying. I heard someone saying it's also known as the birthday of the Church, but I'm not quite sure how accurate that is - I'll check and get back to you.
Talking to my friends, it's kinda true that there are generally a lot of misconceptions about the Catholic Church. I know I keep saying I'll start posting about it, and I never do, but I will the next time I blog. Found this site too, that may answer some questions. www.catholic.com Check it out if you're interested, nevermind if you aren't.
As it is, my 15 minutes are up. Next week is gonna be...interesting. Week 9. Bring it on.
Monday, May 09, 2005
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there
Is it really? Do friends really turn on each other, hide things from each other, pull the rug out from under each others' feet? Do people really spitefully manipulate situations, so that they do not merely win, but that you lose? Am I really going to have to be more selfish, more reserved, less trusting, in order to survive?
I guess the answer is yes. As much as I don't like it. And as much as I wish it were different.
I guess I always knew that. As much as I deny it. And as much as I pretend to live in delusion.
I guess I always hoped that I would be wrong. Proven wrong. Without a doubt.
I guess I always knew that wouldn't happen. Never. Ever.
Some things jade you. Scar you. And you ignore them, until someone pours salt on the wound. And while they are at it, insult your stupidity for trusting them. Some things I never want to relive, ever again.
Sometimes the smallest things can become the thorn in the side which causes the stampede. The minutest slip of tongue or memory. The most trivial happening. And once the avalanche begins, there's no stopping it.
Yes, it is competition. And that of the most painful kind. Yet somehow I still believe in that cocoon of friends. And I thank God that at least this comfort I have. Even if that comfort consists of berating, scolding, and nagging, and constant refrains of "grow up."
Even if I don't want to.
Thank God I have friends who tell me what I don't want to hear. And who don't expect me to be anything but me. Even if that me is rather annoying sometimes. =)
And finally. Dear God, please give me the courage to run this race. And the strength not to win by losing. Thank You.
I guess the answer is yes. As much as I don't like it. And as much as I wish it were different.
I guess I always knew that. As much as I deny it. And as much as I pretend to live in delusion.
I guess I always hoped that I would be wrong. Proven wrong. Without a doubt.
I guess I always knew that wouldn't happen. Never. Ever.
Some things jade you. Scar you. And you ignore them, until someone pours salt on the wound. And while they are at it, insult your stupidity for trusting them. Some things I never want to relive, ever again.
Sometimes the smallest things can become the thorn in the side which causes the stampede. The minutest slip of tongue or memory. The most trivial happening. And once the avalanche begins, there's no stopping it.
Yes, it is competition. And that of the most painful kind. Yet somehow I still believe in that cocoon of friends. And I thank God that at least this comfort I have. Even if that comfort consists of berating, scolding, and nagging, and constant refrains of "grow up."
Even if I don't want to.
Thank God I have friends who tell me what I don't want to hear. And who don't expect me to be anything but me. Even if that me is rather annoying sometimes. =)
And finally. Dear God, please give me the courage to run this race. And the strength not to win by losing. Thank You.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
And the countdown begins
The Countdown to the JCTs that is.
For any Yr 1 who happens to read this post, this is for you: Take the first major exam of your JC life very very seriously. Don't believe the seniors who tell you it's ok to fail it, don't bother everybody does. Cuz the truth is, fail this exam, and you lose a lot of opportunities you could have had. Things I wish my seniors had told me.
But it's too late for wishing, so the only option left is acting. There are exactly 45 days left to the very first paper - Lit Paper 4 (Boey Kim Cheng & Thomas Hardy). I have done nothing all weekend, and am thus currently indulging in a guilt-induced ice-cream eating session. Which of course does nothing for my weight-loss campaign. If only I could lose weight just by being stressed. Just check out next week's schedule:
Monday: Hardy Test. Lit S PC due (well, not much, but I'm still working on it. Have been for the last month. Doh.)
Tuesday: AiryFairy MuggerToot Day. Well ok, not stressful. But - ahhhh no buts.
Wednesday: Maths Test. Guitar practice till 5, then fulldress rehearsal with Choir till 8. 8-ish.
Thursday: Meeting at NYC. Fun. But stressful.
Friday: Choir Concert.
You know, looking at it this way, it doesn't seem much. But it feels much. I was looking at my calender of events for May, and the much just overwhelmed me. Maybe I am taking on a little more than I should. Yes zid I don't feel like I'm doing nothing anymore. Heh. That's a good thing. Right? Right.
And having a fixed goal helps I guess. And boy do I have a fixed goal. Fixed as in applications in by 20 Sept fixed. Fixed as in I'm gonna have to ace my JCTs to get a decent referral fixed.
My blog is so self-centered. Sometimes I don't even like myself. If the persona on my blog is the real me, then I'm selfish, goal-orientated, cold, purely ambition-driven, and occasionally psychotically emo. Not a nice me.
I've done nothing. NOTHING. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
For any Yr 1 who happens to read this post, this is for you: Take the first major exam of your JC life very very seriously. Don't believe the seniors who tell you it's ok to fail it, don't bother everybody does. Cuz the truth is, fail this exam, and you lose a lot of opportunities you could have had. Things I wish my seniors had told me.
But it's too late for wishing, so the only option left is acting. There are exactly 45 days left to the very first paper - Lit Paper 4 (Boey Kim Cheng & Thomas Hardy). I have done nothing all weekend, and am thus currently indulging in a guilt-induced ice-cream eating session. Which of course does nothing for my weight-loss campaign. If only I could lose weight just by being stressed. Just check out next week's schedule:
Monday: Hardy Test. Lit S PC due (well, not much, but I'm still working on it. Have been for the last month. Doh.)
Tuesday: AiryFairy MuggerToot Day. Well ok, not stressful. But - ahhhh no buts.
Wednesday: Maths Test. Guitar practice till 5, then fulldress rehearsal with Choir till 8. 8-ish.
Thursday: Meeting at NYC. Fun. But stressful.
Friday: Choir Concert.
You know, looking at it this way, it doesn't seem much. But it feels much. I was looking at my calender of events for May, and the much just overwhelmed me. Maybe I am taking on a little more than I should. Yes zid I don't feel like I'm doing nothing anymore. Heh. That's a good thing. Right? Right.
And having a fixed goal helps I guess. And boy do I have a fixed goal. Fixed as in applications in by 20 Sept fixed. Fixed as in I'm gonna have to ace my JCTs to get a decent referral fixed.
My blog is so self-centered. Sometimes I don't even like myself. If the persona on my blog is the real me, then I'm selfish, goal-orientated, cold, purely ambition-driven, and occasionally psychotically emo. Not a nice me.
I've done nothing. NOTHING. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Life goes on
Alright, time for updates.
Meet the Parents session: Went well, as did my progress report. On my way to what I want whoopee.
Guitar SYF: TJC's the only college to get Gold with Honours this year. *grinz*
Council Campfire: Was nice. Really. Well, the performances left some things to be desired somewhat, but hey it doesn't really matter - I was there for the company anyway. Dhanaaaaaaaaa why didn't you tell us you were coming earlier huh? haha. And Wan Ni love, I'm sorry about your birthday cake, but you did not confirm you were coming. heh. I don't like my curfews. *sulks*
I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend, and I've only done one essay. There's a myner on the table in front of me with what looks like Junior's puppy biscuit in his mouth. And while we are at random statements, aaron takes more than 36 hrs to reply a msg.
I'm supposed to be participating in some Cambridge online seminar on the 5th, but the person in charge hasn't contacted me about exactly what's gonna happen. Yet. Haiz.
I'm finally done with my "Literature is erotic because it is always concerned with seducing the reader, Discuss." essay. Now I've got "Can men ever write successfully about women or vice versa?" Argh. Not to mention that Econs essay. I love school.
Me: So. What you doin?
Wan Ni: Nothing. :D
Me: That's probably the most annoying respons you could have come up with.
Wan Ni: No, i could have used this smiley (insert evil grinning smiley) or , i could have said something along the line of "i'm so bored! i've got nothing to do!"
Grr. Gonna go be annoyed and do my essays. Adios mon cheries!
(ahh. the beauty of transnational language.)
Live life till it hurts.
Meet the Parents session: Went well, as did my progress report. On my way to what I want whoopee.
Guitar SYF: TJC's the only college to get Gold with Honours this year. *grinz*
Council Campfire: Was nice. Really. Well, the performances left some things to be desired somewhat, but hey it doesn't really matter - I was there for the company anyway. Dhanaaaaaaaaa why didn't you tell us you were coming earlier huh? haha. And Wan Ni love, I'm sorry about your birthday cake, but you did not confirm you were coming. heh. I don't like my curfews. *sulks*
I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend, and I've only done one essay. There's a myner on the table in front of me with what looks like Junior's puppy biscuit in his mouth. And while we are at random statements, aaron takes more than 36 hrs to reply a msg.
I'm supposed to be participating in some Cambridge online seminar on the 5th, but the person in charge hasn't contacted me about exactly what's gonna happen. Yet. Haiz.
I'm finally done with my "Literature is erotic because it is always concerned with seducing the reader, Discuss." essay. Now I've got "Can men ever write successfully about women or vice versa?" Argh. Not to mention that Econs essay. I love school.
Me: So. What you doin?
Wan Ni: Nothing. :D
Me: That's probably the most annoying respons you could have come up with.
Wan Ni: No, i could have used this smiley (insert evil grinning smiley) or , i could have said something along the line of "i'm so bored! i've got nothing to do!"
Grr. Gonna go be annoyed and do my essays. Adios mon cheries!
(ahh. the beauty of transnational language.)
Live life till it hurts.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
The Bottom Line
You're multi-layered. Show someone a previously hidden side of you.
In Detail
You're the very soul of accommodation. You love to make others happy and you'll offer your services to achieve those ends any time you think you're needed. That's lovely, but you often forget about your own needs in the process. Don't let that happen now. You were recently introduced to someone who could make this a wonderful weekend for you -- if you let them. Allow the rest of the world to take care of itself, just for now.
Gee. Who've I most recently been introduced to? Haha...the secret of horoscopes is to make your fortune-telling so general it could apply to just about anybody - except perhaps a hermit living somewhere on a Tibetian mountain.
I'm gaining momentum - I guess that's a good thing. Maybe ken was right - I need to have distractions in order to focus better. Well, as long as the distractions aren't too distracting. Or long term. Or commitment-demanding. I sound like I'm describing a relationship. Hmph. Well I'm not lah. I hope I don't become one of those people whose lives revolve around the work they do - I want my life to revolve around people. Humanity. Not objects and objectives.
The new mattress for my bed came today. See this is the story: I've been complaining that my bed's slanting to one side for some time now. At first my parents thought it was the mattress, so they switched it with another old one. But it was still slanting, so then they thought it was the bed. And i got a new bed. Still slanting. My dad decides he'll buy a new mattress - one with springs and other high techie stuff. Still slanting. So my mum takes over, tells my dad she told him it was the floor, and rearranges the room. No more slanting. Heh. So now me and my sister have got new mattresses, new pillows, and a new room arrangement. Beautiful.
I've still got loads more hw to go. 2 Lit essays, 1 PC, 1 Econs essay, and tons of mugging. I really really wanna go for the campfire - but it won't be any fun going alone. There wouldn't be much point either. *shrugz* Guess I could always see you guys during the june hols..sometime.
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is now Pope Benedict XVI. Yes I know this is a little late, but so far I havn't had much to say. Was talking to a couple of friends just now though, and realized the extent of the misconceptions many people have about the Catholic Church. Well, no, I didn't just realize the extent, but the conversation did ire me enough to warrant a post. But you know what, I'm just not in the mood. It's late anyway. I'll post about it soon enough.
Nothing left to say.
Even the best fall down sometimes; even the stars refuse to shine.
The Bottom Line
You're multi-layered. Show someone a previously hidden side of you.
In Detail
You're the very soul of accommodation. You love to make others happy and you'll offer your services to achieve those ends any time you think you're needed. That's lovely, but you often forget about your own needs in the process. Don't let that happen now. You were recently introduced to someone who could make this a wonderful weekend for you -- if you let them. Allow the rest of the world to take care of itself, just for now.
Gee. Who've I most recently been introduced to? Haha...the secret of horoscopes is to make your fortune-telling so general it could apply to just about anybody - except perhaps a hermit living somewhere on a Tibetian mountain.
I'm gaining momentum - I guess that's a good thing. Maybe ken was right - I need to have distractions in order to focus better. Well, as long as the distractions aren't too distracting. Or long term. Or commitment-demanding. I sound like I'm describing a relationship. Hmph. Well I'm not lah. I hope I don't become one of those people whose lives revolve around the work they do - I want my life to revolve around people. Humanity. Not objects and objectives.
The new mattress for my bed came today. See this is the story: I've been complaining that my bed's slanting to one side for some time now. At first my parents thought it was the mattress, so they switched it with another old one. But it was still slanting, so then they thought it was the bed. And i got a new bed. Still slanting. My dad decides he'll buy a new mattress - one with springs and other high techie stuff. Still slanting. So my mum takes over, tells my dad she told him it was the floor, and rearranges the room. No more slanting. Heh. So now me and my sister have got new mattresses, new pillows, and a new room arrangement. Beautiful.
I've still got loads more hw to go. 2 Lit essays, 1 PC, 1 Econs essay, and tons of mugging. I really really wanna go for the campfire - but it won't be any fun going alone. There wouldn't be much point either. *shrugz* Guess I could always see you guys during the june hols..sometime.
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is now Pope Benedict XVI. Yes I know this is a little late, but so far I havn't had much to say. Was talking to a couple of friends just now though, and realized the extent of the misconceptions many people have about the Catholic Church. Well, no, I didn't just realize the extent, but the conversation did ire me enough to warrant a post. But you know what, I'm just not in the mood. It's late anyway. I'll post about it soon enough.
Nothing left to say.
Even the best fall down sometimes; even the stars refuse to shine.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Thoughts
Has it ever occured to you, that in this nanosecond, the second you took to read this word, someone's mother was born, someone's best friend has died, and a saint is made? Have you ever wondered how anyone, anybody, could keep track of what goes on in this world? Has the staggering amount of information, of insights into private lives the Internet has given us, ever suffocated you with the sheer weight of the knowledge that you truly are insignificant, that you are but a drop in the ocean of humanity - no, an atom in that drop - and yet you are still significant - significant enough to warrant attention for failing a test, to be assessed for suitability as a scholarship candidate, to break someone's heart, to make someone's day, maybe even to save someone life. Yet, is that significant? Is your life significant? Will it matter to the world at large, if you were dead or alive? Is that a question you can handle? What if the answer is no. What if, even if you did live your life to the fullest, and touched the lives of millions, it never mattered in the long run, because in the long run, everybody dies.
How does one believe an omnipotent, all-powerful God is really concerned, really loves, really cares for each individual. Yet I believe it. And I guess that's what Faith is about. Despite the mind-boggling issues I tussle with every minute, every day; despite the rushes of doubt and bewilderment and the whole point of life; despite the arguments I hold with myself everytime life doesn't rock, I believe. Despite the various assailing missiles of friendship, kindred-spiritship, tentative love even; despite the echoing voices and fingers pointing to the contrary; despite the temptation of taking the easy way of relativism out, I believe. And because I believe, I have to deal with issues which attack my belief. And everything seems to nowadays. More so because I'm thinking about it. But if we never thought about what we believe in - never even tried to understand the ultimate Mystery of Life, how can we profess to believe? How can we say we believe in something or Someone we don't even try to know? How do i reconcile what I believe in with what my best friends do, when our beliefs stand so firmly apart? Yet I would have been poorer for not knowing and not loving, even if knowing and loving hurts. How can a human proclaim all who do not believe in what he believes in go to hell, and still know and love the people around him? Which then, do I choose? The proclamation, or the knowledge and love? Can I choose both? God doesn't work in the ways of men - I suppose then, what we believe is logical, is not neccessarily divinely so. Yet how then do I know what is right? Is right even important, at this stage? To whom do I direct these questions? Why do I question.
Why do people have such a hold on each other? How can we have such great capacity to love, when the same capacity can be turned to hate? How can someone love a child, and kill a man? How can you be both good and evil? Why don't we understand ourselves? Why do we hurt each other, if we know what pain feels like? Why do we need each other? Why can't we stand on our own? Why doesn't our heart ever listen to what our mind says? Is that a good thing?
Random questions, which beg answers we don't have. And probably never will.
It's a lot darker at the deeper side of the pool.
How does one believe an omnipotent, all-powerful God is really concerned, really loves, really cares for each individual. Yet I believe it. And I guess that's what Faith is about. Despite the mind-boggling issues I tussle with every minute, every day; despite the rushes of doubt and bewilderment and the whole point of life; despite the arguments I hold with myself everytime life doesn't rock, I believe. Despite the various assailing missiles of friendship, kindred-spiritship, tentative love even; despite the echoing voices and fingers pointing to the contrary; despite the temptation of taking the easy way of relativism out, I believe. And because I believe, I have to deal with issues which attack my belief. And everything seems to nowadays. More so because I'm thinking about it. But if we never thought about what we believe in - never even tried to understand the ultimate Mystery of Life, how can we profess to believe? How can we say we believe in something or Someone we don't even try to know? How do i reconcile what I believe in with what my best friends do, when our beliefs stand so firmly apart? Yet I would have been poorer for not knowing and not loving, even if knowing and loving hurts. How can a human proclaim all who do not believe in what he believes in go to hell, and still know and love the people around him? Which then, do I choose? The proclamation, or the knowledge and love? Can I choose both? God doesn't work in the ways of men - I suppose then, what we believe is logical, is not neccessarily divinely so. Yet how then do I know what is right? Is right even important, at this stage? To whom do I direct these questions? Why do I question.
Why do people have such a hold on each other? How can we have such great capacity to love, when the same capacity can be turned to hate? How can someone love a child, and kill a man? How can you be both good and evil? Why don't we understand ourselves? Why do we hurt each other, if we know what pain feels like? Why do we need each other? Why can't we stand on our own? Why doesn't our heart ever listen to what our mind says? Is that a good thing?
Random questions, which beg answers we don't have. And probably never will.
It's a lot darker at the deeper side of the pool.
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