V.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

~From V for Vendetta

I want to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bah.

On hindsight, that looks like something Yazid might come up with.

Apologies

To all the teachers I have ever given a hard time to, incited anyone to give a hard time to, ignored, rolled my eyes at, were bored at, made fun of, cracked jokes at, talked in class of, didn't pay attention to and was less than cooperative with:


I am truly heartily terribly most genuinely sincerely painfully regretfully a gazillion times sorry.

I don't believe in karma, but that should start me off on a clean slate, shouldn't it? Arghhhhh. I love the kids, I really do, but today was argh-ifying.

Thank God tomorrow's Friday. And that there's LV practice tonight. *breeeeeeathhhhe.

Got this off Ondine's blog.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I'm an incurable procrastinator.

I havn't had as much fun jamming in ages as I had yesterday. And I can now play I will survive on acoustic bass, whoop *grinz.

Still havn't written the usp essay, although I've finally sent in my nus application. On tenterhooks for a call.

Brain not functioning smoothly. Probably a result of sleeping only 4 hours last night, and having to wake up to donkeys, cats, dogs and monkeys on my roof AND drag myself out of bed. There is no justice in this world. I've discovered a delight in caffeine. An iced mocha would be nice right about now.

Found on random blog-surfed blog:

"Right now, however, I sit here mourning my crumbling uterus walls and silently blaming Eve for her Original Sin of greed over one stupid apple. Women."

*bursts out laughing.

*recovers.

*apologises for potential trauma caused to male readers of blog.

Yesterday was a good day. I'd been looking forward to it all week, and have been duly rewarded. I like where we're going, and this is just a start. Decisions have been made, plans will be carried out.

*sends subtle brain signals to relevant government body. Calllll meeeeee.

I sound like a whale.
(stop that thought. NOW. stoppit.)

I think I kinda like where I am. Yes, I'm aware that I've just contradicted my last post. But I'm complex, see. On the cusp of everything (and nothing, but that's not affecting me today). Cusp. I like that word. It's so crisp, and full of potential and HOPE.

(Am procrastinating. Don't mind the randomness.)

I like having things to do. And feeling useful. And although some times it feels like it's all gonna cave in, it never actually does (yes Shane, it's because I have Friends in High Places). Salsa lessons sound fun. Or maybe lindy hop. Or jazz. Or hip hop. I want to dance.

Pensive

Last night was the closest I've come to a meltdown in ages. And it was sparked off, literally, by nothing. Nothing-ness scares me. Emptiness. Loneliness. Being alone in the midst of a crowd. There are times when all I want is to be alone. But I don't ever want to feel alone. It was nothingness crowded in. Like a shadow, with light enfringing jaggedly at its sides. And I don't know what I want. To stay in the cool comfort of the shadow - silent, content; or to let in blinding light, and lose forever a refuge.

There's this sense of desperation, and a slight tinge of panic. About what? I don't know. Perhaps it's the realization, the slow but certain realization, that things are changing. That I am changing.
That it's in my character to let go, to leave behind, but still want to cling on. Memories are never enough. And even the beautiful happy ones are painful, because ultimately they're over. Never to be experienced again. There's this tremendous sense of loss for what has been, and what could have been which jarrs with the hope of what could be. You know moments which you want to last forever? That you want to be fully drenched in? Even if I could wish that into reality, I wouldn't know which to choose. And there'll always be something else you could do, something else you could be. There is no best thing, no most desired. Only what's accepted and lived.

But in some things there is truth. Truth which compels decisions and action. Action which I'm not sure I'm brave enough to take. Or able to be committed enough. Or right enough.

I don't like this period of not knowing. Of being on ground where I have, until a decision is made, no control, not even capacity for control. Where all my decisions and choices are based on "if" and "unless". "If" especially annoys me. I feel like I'm not committing to anything - and I like committing. But for now all my plans have to be short term. I suppose that's just how things are.

We live by faith and not by sight for you.

what now

I'm back! Still tired, but slightly more rested. The trip was alright, fun in some places, not so in others but I'm not complaining :)

This song was playing in my head throughout the whole trip. And you know, what now is probably the most provoking, uneasiness causing question anyone could ask.

I saw the face of Jesus

In a little orphan girl

She was standing in the corner

On the other side of the world.

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my heart

Didn't you say you wanted to find Me

Well, here I am

Here you are

So what now

What will you do now that you've found Me

What now

What will you do with this treasure youv'e found

I know I may not look like what you expected

But if you'll remember

This is right where I said I would be

You found Me

What now

And I saw the face of Jesus

Down on Sixteenth Avenue

He was sleeping in an old car

While his mum went looking for food

And I heard the voice of Jesus

Gently whisper to my soul

Didn't you say you wanted to know me

Well, here I am

And it's getting cold

So come and know

Come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

Oh, come and know

Come, come and know, know me now

Come, come and know, know me now

what now, Steven Curtis Chapman

What now? I don't know. Music ministry? Sure. But is that all? There's so much more I could do. We could do. And it's not that we dont know how. What now.

Eerily Romantic

I'll put a spell on you

You'll fall asleep

I'll put a spell on you

And when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you'll see

And you'll realise that you love me

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful

Didn't go to school today, went to the doctor again instead. Planned to clear out my study room - get all the papers sorted out, books arranged, files neatened. Instead I popped my medicine, and am now falling asleep on the keyboard. Think I should take a nap before I go for my driving lesson. Wouldnt be wise to crash the Ubi school car.

I just realised. It's so A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Midweek, end of term

And still sick.

Me: I'll do almost anything to get rid of this stupid flu.

Friend-who-shall-not-be-named: Kiss me and I'll take it away from you.

Sigh. If only it were that easy.

Went for my first driving lesson yesterday - it was more fun than scary (yes, I expected it to be mildly apprehension-causing). And I love the feel of the accelerator. Purrr.

I also sent in my PSC application yesterday. All of it. And my results, to Trinity. Now I just have to wait and pray.

Come to think of it, I did lots of things yesterday. Went to Siglap CC (which used to have lovely, if old, badminton courts...well at least playable, if not lovely, but which has now been renovated into a space occupying Arts and Cultural Centre) to enquire about the Salsa dance classes. Sy love they start in April and end in June - fine by me, still wanna go? Went for band too, which though marred by our human-ness, was still as always deeply refreshing. Just the music alone, melody filled worship, was good enough.

The kids are halfway through Orientation 2 now, and the sounds of enthusiastic albeit slightly hoarse cheers are wafting up into the staff room. Brings back memories it does - of my 1st Orientation in TJ, which was amazing fun (and where I had not a few crushes on several seniors); of Ohana 2 and the E-comm, those crazy mass dance sessions and cheer sessions and Pepsi TWIST; of Genesis, the long overnighters we had, the fights, the stupid crazy ideas, those bloody pebbles, the video, the KOI POND. Honestly, those poor fish.

It all seems so long ago, yet so recent. And yet if you think about it, it's my 4th year here. Almost as long as I spent in KC. Sure, it's different, being on the "other side", but it's still the same. I don't know what I mean by that.

In May though, I'll be off somewhere else. Missing the kids like hell, but hey, people have to move on. And I don't know what I'll do then. Continue with comm work of course, and the youth ministries. But as for work? Real work? I don't know. Teach for a month in a secondary school? Or get an internship somewhere. But doing what? Waitress? Perhaps. It would be eye-opening, and novel. AND a job. But I'm such a butterfingers I'll probably be fired on the first day.

By May too I'll know where I'll be in October. Whether it'll be my third month in stolid, reliable NUS, or whether it'll be my first week in adreamcometrue. That's the funny thing about dreams. You dream a dream longlongago, then forget about it for years as that dream part of you bows down and retires humbly in the expanding presence of ambition. And you tell yourself those were the dreams of naiive childhood. Then one day you realise that that naiivity told the truth, and you abandon ambition - or at least you think you do, for the dream. As you work for it though, you realise that the dream WAS true ambition, and the ambition of teenagehood was really pride. False pride, in the acknowledgement that society, and thus you, had fallen for the lie that Science would rule. And in the refusal to follow your heart, the tacit submission to the status quo - that "brighter" kids do Science. That really, other than the fact that you've loved every subject you've done, you didn't want to be stereotyped as "the Arts student", even though you knew there was nothing wrong with that. And now, in retrospect, you see how childish that truly was. And admire the courage of those who had chosen it from the start.

This is a very long post.

I've got a sudden hankering for Fish and Co. The platter for two. Yum. I'm making my mouth water. Ohhhhh those chips.

Dear Green Phlegm,

Please go away.

Thank you.

Bugged!

I swear there's a bug going around. A sore-throat causing, grumpiness-inducing, crabby mood-inspiring bug. Half the youth min has it, and the kids at school are coming down with it too. I was feeling positively miserable yesterday, but have happily recovered enough to actually SPEAK (and thus whine, to my sister's misfortune) today, so all is good. *grinz.

While we're on the subject of my sister, she came home yesterday and presented me, her poor, sick, unwillingly silent sister a magnet/plaque reading:

I'm smiling because

you're my sister.

I'm laughing

because you can't do

anything about it.

And I'm ordered to thank her. Sheesh.

It's always like this you know. I never get sick before stressful events, only after. So while everybody is out partying and celebrating, I'm stuck at home. Bah. AND I'll have to miss Amplify prayer meet today. Double bah. Ohwell. Hopefully I'll be well enough to go for the Warwick reception tonight. And my cousin's baptism tomorrow. And the Lenten Vigil Music team's inaugral meeting after that. Please please pleeeeeeeease.

Alright. I WILL finish my essay. Right now.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

Buddies

These are the people I spend Tuesdays

(Shane has scary eyes) and Fridays

with.

Efforts in a certain crutial area are being thwarted by mindless bureaucracy. What happened to pen and paper?! Gah.

Looking forward to tonight.

Happy :)

Thrilled, and humbly grateful to Him I could have done nought without.

Into marvellous light I'm running